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  1. #1
    Cero Miedo Mystic's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018

    What's She Doing Now?

    Whatís She Doing Now?

    ďLast time I saw her it was turning colder, but that was years ago.Ē

    I tell my girlfriend that I like moody weather, not moody people. We look to the sky as it turns purple, wind relentless like a warning close and far. The sky may break, and it may pour and we donít have an umbrella, but I donít care.

    I like moody weather, so Iím OK if it rains on me.

    ďWhere sheís now I donít know.Ē

    Maybe I should be with my girlfriend tonight. Maybe, since my life is getting ready to turn upside down once more. In just a few months, I will once again leave every human being I know on earth and start over in another new state.

    Perhaps, then, I should be with my girlfriend, or my friends, or my mentors, or my family.

    But Iím here, thinking about her.

    Iím here. Writing this.

    ďThereís something Ďbout this time of year. It spins my head around. Takes me back. Makes wonder. What she doing now?Ē

    Maybe Iím here now because this is the time of the year when I met her, so long ago now. She looked like nobody Iíve ever seen. She brought colors into my life I had never dreamt to mix. Before she left me, six years after we met, I didnít know which colors belonged to her, which to me, and which only came to be when we shared company.

    Do you think of her, too?

    Do you ever think about how, so much of what you know, what you feel, how you know it and how you feel it, is bound up in what you shared with her?

    Or did you find a way to let her go? Did you move on? Did you find another?

    ďJust for laughs, I dialed her old number. No one knew her name. Hung up the phone, sat there and wondered, if sheíd ever done the same.Ē

    Even in our information age, sometimes I believe thereís no trace of her left in this world. Maybe I like to believe that. Would that make me sick? If I preferred she no longer exist than to exist with others, for others, like she did with me, for me, when I no longer exist with or for anyone else like I did for her. That would make me sick, wouldnít it?

    That must mean Iím sick, then.

    Because one time I heard an officemate talking about someone who sounded like her. She was treating this guy right. Giving him everythingóthe way I used to receive from her. And yet he had been spoiled by her, because he was complaining about the tiniest details she didnít get right. I wanted to jump my desk and strangle him.

    Sometimes people who once knew her speak of her, but, goddammit, they misrepresent her. They talk like she was needy, damn near a gold digger, always bringing financial ruin to those in her life. They call her disorganized. They act like she was never who I saw her as.

    And sometimes it makes me wonder if I never saw her as she was.

    Perhaps, when I was with her, I didnít see anything as it was.

    Perhaps that is what I loved most about her.

    ďI took a walk in the evening wind, to clear my head somehow. But tonight, I lie here thinking, What she doing now?Ē

    Itís not just the weather that has me thinking about her tonight.

    Itís not just the fact that my life starts over [again] in three months.

    No, this time isnít like last time, or the time before that, or the time before that.

    This year isn't like last year, or the year before that, or, hell, the decade before that.

    So, Mr. Brooks, I wonít need the rest of those lyrics.

    I donít need to hear that what sheís doing now is ďfilling up my mind and emptying my heart.Ē

    I donít need to read how, ďI can hear her call each time the cold wind blows.Ē

    Because, the truth is, I havenít really been able to hear her call for more years than Iíve let on.

    Sure, Iíve flirted with anything that looked like her: Christian Cage in TNA; Bobby Roode with the longest reign in TNA history; Bobby Roode, again, in nXt.

    But tonight,

    is unlike any of those nights.


    is not like 2018,








    Nor is it






    or '06.

    And, no, itís not like






    or that damn 2000,

    which ended the 90's decade and made me wonder

    if the world ended then,

    or even three years prior,

    and I had been sentenced

    to entertainment purgatory.

    No, tonight, I donít miss her.

    Because tonight, when I say her name,


    she responds with this:

    When I ďdial her old number,Ē

    she answers with,

    "We're back in the wrestling business!"

    And she takes a photo, just so I know it's real.


    Iím older now.

    I know nothing lasts forever.

    In childhood I walked in fandom and she was not only my first love but the love of my life.

    And tonight, on my father's birthday of May 16th, in this here 2019, because of a guy born two years after me, in the neighboring state of Georgia, because he fell in love with her from inside a WCW locker room while I fell in love with her through Turner Broadcasting, she exists again.

    She walks among us,

    and she is, again, showing me colors I havenít seen since 1997.

    And yes,

    I know the sky will break again one day,

    and I am still without an umbrella,

    and I will be soaked.

    But I donít care.

    I know what it's like to walk too long without feeling her.

    So fuck an umbrella.

    I want to feel every last drop of this journey while I have it here again.

  2. #2
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    There's nothing like getting back in touch with true, honest to goodness, fandom. This has been a hell of a journey already and I hope it doesn't stop any time soon.

  3. #3
    Absolument magnifique. It touched me in many ways, since my true fandom isn't really with wrestling, but your writing echoes so loud it's deafening. Seeing people happy about wrestling, any wrestling, anywhere, makes me incredibly happy. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart!

  4. #4
    Very good column. You made the rain so real I threw a coat over my keyboard when I read it. It is damn hard to fall in love all over again. I do love wrestling, but just because you love it, don't mean you're wanting to buy it flowers. Looks like you're wanting to do that. I'm excited for AEW. I still think Ross has something to give. I like the young talent. I hope Double or Nothing blows the lid off. Good read. Good song.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    This was brilliant!

    I don't know if I'll ever get my initial fandom back. Most wrestling fans do not. Yet I tend to ignore my past fandom and try my utmost best to appreciate wrestling for what is now, no matter how hard that may be.

  6. #6
    A beautiful way to start the day, reading this column.

  7. #7
    Cero Miedo Mystic's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Big thanks for the support here. I got home late, had a million things to do, and didn't have one "word" in mind for this. I just had a felt sense and knew I had to sit down and type. Been a while since I felt that. That's that relationship with FANDOM. Might be reaching out to a couple of you. Might see about talking a little more fandom. Thanks for the support here.

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