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  1. #1
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018

    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: A Retired Brain Is Busier Than Ever! (June '91)

    Greetings, mizfan fans! And welcome back, at last, the Heenan series. I know Iíve had questions from some of you about whether I would continue the series in view of Heenanís imminent retirement from his managerial role. Let me assure you Iím committed to at least finishing out the Brainís time with the WWF, and perhaps beyond that! So there will be much more Heenan to come, as long as I can carve the time in my life out for it. Thatís the kicker, as always! But now itís time, so letís get rolling!

    WWF, June 1991
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    This Is The End

    BH: Look how confident Mr Perfect was looking backstage!

    GM: He was sweating!

    BH: He was standing in a hot area!!!
    Itís the June 15th edition of WWF Superstars of Wrestling, and the great Paul Bearer is hosting the Funeral Parlor. His guest this week is Intercontinental Champion Mr Perfect, who introduces us toÖ his FORMER manager, a man who has taken him to great heights and championships, Bobby Heenan. Perfect says he urged Heenan to focus on his career of broadcast journalism. Heenan compares himself to Walter Cronkite and other great broadcasters, and says heíll put them all to shame. The Brainís last act as Perfectís manager is to turn him over to a newcomer, who is called Coach (not to be confused with Jonathan Coachman). Coach talks with a whistle in his mouth and itís pretty damn clear heíll be no substitute for Heenan.

    GM: Coach is really annoying me with that whistle.

    BH: Well you annoy me, and you donít even have a whistle.
    After almost 30 years of taking wild bumps, including some very bad ones from the likes of the Ultimate Warrior, Heenanís body was in no shape to keep going, and if he wasnít able to bump he didnít think it was right to continue as a manager. Itís the right call and we know Heenan will bring us many more years of fantastic commentary. And yetÖ

    I am heartbroken watching this. One of the greatest talents of this or any generation having to end such a brilliant part of his career, that hurts. For the first time in decades, there is no more Heenan Family. I hope youíve all enjoyed this part of the journey as much as I have, and I really look forward to seeing what mischief Heenan can get into from the booth.

    GM: So youíre not going to be running down to ringside with anyone anymore?

    BH: Nope, Iím stuck with you.

    Fujiís Final Challenge

    Barbarian (w/Mr Fuji) vs. Bret Hart 6/3/91 WWF MSG

    Whatís this now? If youíll recall, I mentioned last month that Heenan actually managed his final client back in May, so even though it wasnít yet announced Heenan had already stepped away from ringside. The reason given here is provided by Howard Finkel, who informs us that Heenan has leased Barbarianís contract back to Mr Fuji for the night so he can continue with his broadcasting duties.

    GM: I know you took the Barbarianís contract because you thought heíd be easier to bamboozle out of money than Warlord.

    BH: Are you going to sit here and say to the whole world that I, that I-

    Neidhart: Lie? Cheat?

    GM: Steal? You forgot steal, Anvil.
    This is a reasonably enjoyable match, Barbarian is a perennially underrated talent. Really wish they had done more with his team with Haku, they could have added hugely to the tag division of this era.

    GM: Hakuís not as dumb as he looks, you know.

    BH: He couldnít be. I mean, heís not!
    Meanwhile Bret is really hitting his stride as a singles guy by now.

    GM: Hitman is the Excellence of Execution!

    BH: Does he pay you to sit out here and sing his praises? How long have you been complimenting this guy now?

    GM: How long has he been in the WWF?

    BH: Too long.
    Even the Brain is impressed, but only to a point.

    BH: The Hitman is a great athlete, no question, but heís soÖ gooey. His hair is gooey.

    GM: How would you like to tell that to his father?

    BH: I think his father knows his hair is gooey.
    Things in fact get a little vicious at times in the ring, and Bret does what he has to in order to survive!

    GM: Bret Hart, biting to get out of this hold! Thatís a move youíd expect from the Barbarian!

    BH: Hey, has he bitten anyone?

    GM: You mean since coming to New York?

    BH: Well, at least this afternoonÖ
    The drama flares up when Fuji hits Barbarian in the face with the cane by mistake and costs him the match! Heenan is enraged!

    BH: Fuji, if I get my hands on you Iím gonna shove that cane so down your throat, itíll be a tongue depressor youíll never get rid of! Now that loss goes on my record!

    GM: Donít worry Brain, Iím sure thereíll be an asterisk next to it in the record books.

    BH: Iím gonna kick Fuji in his asterisk!
    The Brain jumps into the ring and almost starts a fight with him! I love any kind of manager drama from this era, retired or not I am here for this!

    Manager Fight!!

    Awesomeness Rating: ***ľ

    Later on in the show, Mr Fuji is backstage with Sean Mooney. Fuji declares he is the greatest manager in the WWF and challenges Heenan to bring two Family members to fight against two of Fujiís men next time they are in MSG! Iím not sure this ever actually happens, but itíd be cool to see Faces of Fear vs. Orient Express or something. Or a six man tag with the managers involved! That definitely wonít happen, but I would have loved it.

    Neidhart: When I watch the Hitman in the ring, it kind of makes me want to get moving too!

    BH: So you do what he does?

    Neidhart: Well, it gets me moving!

    BH: Iíve got an idea, when he leaves the ring, why donít you leave too?

    Prime Time Overtime

    AH: Introducing, Vincent K McMahon!

    BH: I know that K is for.

    VM: Oh, whatís that?

    BH: K-mart, looks like you do most of your shopping there.
    A whole explosion of stuff having on Prime Time this month! If Heenan retiring from managing means he has more time for Prime Time shenanigans, itís almost worth itÖ almost. Just for a start, weíve got Heenan trading barbs with Jameson, who apparently has become a regular audience member:

    BH: Oh, this is great TV. A guy with the IQ of a door knob is sneezing into a rag.

    Jameson: Well, it takes one to know one.

    VM: I guess he told you!
    Heenan going after random audience members:

    BH: Whatís your name, little boy?

    Kid: Josh.

    BH: Yeah? Who cares?
    And of course, picking on his three biggest fans:

    BH: We were lucky with the Rosatiís, three people could have been killed. Thatís how much they usually eat. (Crowd boos) Thank you!
    There are also a wealth of guest stars over the course of the month, including Mr Fuji himself! Iím pretty sure their feud is for the New York market only, as they seem to be getting along just fine. Fuji brings something special for Bobby Heenan. It turns out to be a ďgeisha girlĒ. She washes his feet. Heenan wonders if thatís all she does, but Vince tells him itís a family show!

    BH: I wanna see a replay of Berzerker throwing this guy over the top.

    GM: Weíre not gonna see that.

    BH: Why donít I ever get to see what I want to see???
    Fuji also brings on The Berzerker, to show him off to the Prime Time crowd. He even promises a real Viking ceremony, and needs a volunteer. Heenan points out Jameson, and Berzerker drags him out of the crowd! The crowd actually chants for Jameson as Berzerker ties him to a wooden post.

    VM: So what is a traditional Viking ceremony?

    BH: Well, he ties him to a post, it looks like, and thenÖ I dunno, they have a rotisserie?
    Berzerker piles up hay at his feet and tries to light a fire with sticks!! It doesnít work, so Heenan loans them a lighter!! Jameson calls for Andre the Giant to save him in a funny moment. Berzerker canít get the fire to light, so he freaks out and carries Jameson away!! I couldnít find a clip of it, but Iím pretty sure he also throws him off the roof later. Sadly, Jameson survives, though not without injury.

    Jameson: You know, they had to take part of my colon.

    BH: Donít start talking about your colon on TV!

    Jameson: Now I got a semi-colon.

    BH: Hey, does somebody want to wheel this guy back out of here?
    Jameson is back next week, though heís bandaged up on a stretcher. He has a hot nurse with him. Okerlund is subbing in for Vince, and he and Heenan are both hitting on her, poor thing.

    BH: Can I get a little jello from Nurse Betty?

    Jameson: No, sheís my nurse, not yours.

    BH: You donít need a nurse, you need a vet.
    In more insane news, we also get treated to a segment where Hogan chases Heenan down a hallway on a motorcycle!! What the hell, Hogan?!?

    A Sane Reaction

    Hogan also bullies Heenan into riding a tricycle, and then pushed him off it. Hogan is such an ass.

    Be A Star!

    They also bring on Ted DiBiase, who is still having issues with Virgil and his trainer, Roddy Piper.

    GM: Virgilís got a nice shuffle.

    BH: You been playing cards with him?

    Neidhart: Oh, cute.

    BH: Why thank you!
    DiBiase comes on the show and admits Virgil and Piper have some talent, but Virgilís greatest talent is following orders, and Piperís is lying about his injured leg. In a return to the greatest days of the Million Dollar Man gimmick, DiBiase pays a guy $300 to kiss Heenanís foot!!! And the guy does it!! Heenan keeps trying to volunteer for DiBiaseís humiliating tests, in a great moment.

    TDB: It was worth a lot more than $300 to see that man kiss Heenanís foot!

    BH: I got a lot of other body parts too, if he needs more cash!
    DiBiase challenges a kid to hold an egg between his chin and chest for 20 seconds. At 19, DiBiase breaks the egg!! So evil. So great.

    GO: It seems Virgil has an older sister named Virgilina.

    BH: Itís just Virgil! Theyíre trying to pull something!

    GO: No, Iíve seen her!

    BH: ANY woman looks good to you!
    Ok, so stay with me folksÖ They also bring Virgil on, but apparently Virgil has a mysterious sister named Virgilina. Heenan doesnít buy it and he takes a camera man backstage to expose this. In a great segment we see Heenan walking to Virgilís locker room and insulting everyone he passes! Heenan starts going through Virgilís stuff but itís all ladies stuff. Virgil shows up in drag and yells at him in a high voice. Why does Virgil do this? We may never know, but Piper closes the door and apparently Virgil beats up Heenan. In a great payoff, we see ďVirgilinaĒ dragging Heenan through the same backstage areas from earlier and he begs for help from the people he insulted. Nobody lifts a finger, so he tries to fire everyone as heís dragged along! Nobody can make a segment work like Heenan, just incredible.

    BH: This week on Prime Time, weíre gonna have the Big Bossman as guest. Oh, I hope he doesnít bring his mother.

    GM: Iím gonna tell him you said that.

    BH: You donít have to do that! Letís talk about Tugboat instead!
    Bossman is next up this month, and Heenan puts plenty of space between the two of them! Bossman has a gift for Heenan to pass along to Jimmy Hart. Itís a pair of handcuffs, but when Heenan manhandles them he gets a shock!

    Pretty sure the world is just out to get Heenan at this point.

    GM: I donít think Tugboat knows how big and strong he really is.

    BH: I donít think he knows his own middle name.
    Later in the show, Earthquake and Jimmy Hart are on, and they show a clip of Tugboat turning heel. Jimmy Hart brings him out and renames him Typhoon. Heenan apologizes for ever insulting him and says heís clearly a smart guy! Tugboat says he was there for Hogan, but Hogan was never there for him, which sounds about right. Remember when you were gonna be ďmarried to Tugboat for the 90sĒ, Hogan?!?

    JN: You know, Jakeís new snake Lucifer LOVES weasels.

    BH: WellÖ then he wonít like me!
    The parade of stars continues, as Jake Roberts comes on the show next. Jake seems to think Heenan took Lucifer! Heenan begs ignorance and goes off to find Jimmy Hart. Jake implies to Mooney that his snake isnít lost at all, and heís just making Heenan sweat.

    BH: Jake Roberts seems to be extra vicious lately.

    GM: Losing a loved one like Damian can make anyone vicious!

    BH: He didnít lose a loved one, he gained a belt.
    We see footage that Jake put the snake in Jimmy Hartís dressing room, and the Mouth of the South is so scared he screams and jumps on a chair.

    BH: I talked to Paul Bearer, and he says he has a 30 foot box ready for Lucifer if Earthquake wants to put him in it.

    GM: What a stupid mortician. Donít make a 30 foot box, just coil the snake up!

    BH: WellÖ he wants it done right.
    They have on Snuka as a guest and he climbs a rope down from the ceiling, for some reason.

    GO: Jimmy Snuka, entering via rope!

    BH: What are you doing? We do have doors here, you know!
    Heenan tries to play the Hogan phone game and Snuka says he doesnít know about phones because heís from the islands, so thatís something.

    The Phone Saga Will Never End

    Last and definitely least, Vince has a bodybuilder on one of the shows to talk about the stupid WBF. The guy talks about how he eats so few carbohydrates that he canít think straight for weeks before a show. Great idea, idiot.

    Phew! What a lot of wonderful Prime Time content. I hope they make the show a priority, now that Heenan is less busy with other things.

    Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

    Hogan Contines To Spiral

    The insane Slaughter/Hogan feud continues, forever it seems. We see a clip from Prime Time of Slaughter picking on a muscular Hogan fan and forcing him to do intense workouts until he canít get up. Hoganís response is to start wearing a stupid mask. He also warns the kids that there could be a landmine under their seats. Hogan has really gone over the deep end, no wonder people will be booing him by the Rumble.

    Sergeant Slaughter vs. Hulk Hogan, I Quit, WWF Championship 6/3/91 WWF MSG

    Itís marginally better than their other matches, mostly thanks to Slaughter bleeding like a stuck pig and creating some additional drama. This is a pairing that just doesnít work for me though, watching Hogan self righteously maul the enemies of America has lost what little campy value it ever had.

    GM: Youíve got blood all over your table there, Brain, why donít you clean that mess up?

    BH: IíM not touching it!!!
    Awesomeness Rating: *ĺ

    Wrestling and Romance

    GM: Did you not see, were you asleep at Wrestlemania when Elizabeth literally fell into the arms of the Macho Man?

    BH: You know why she did that? She didnít have a ride back to the hotel.
    No big developments yet, but they are starting to talk about Savage and Liz getting married. The match made in heaven is coming!

    GM: Itís common knowledge, the Macho Man is in love with Elizabeth!

    BH: So are all the other humanoids, big deal.

    Smash the Magic Dragon

    BH: Thereís an old saying, you can lead a Dragon to water butÖ

    GM: Öbut you canít make a duck out of him.

    BH: I- yeah.
    Ricky Steamboat vs. Smash 6/3/91 WWF MSG

    Iím including this purely because itís sort of a weird little historical nugget. On the one hand, youíve got Smash with a straight up jobber entrance, and Crush is nowhere to be seen. No Fuji either, so Smash has officially hit bottom. Considering how huge Demolition was even a year ago, thatís pretty ridiculous. What the heck happened there? Not that Steamboat is doing much better, heís referred to exclusively as ďThe DragonĒ and gets very little attention aside from his fire blowing entrance gimmick. Seems like such a waste. ďThe DragonĒ does at least get the win, so heís got that going for him..

    Awesomeness Rating: ***

    Bird of War

    Koko B Ware vs. Warlord 6/3/91 WWF MSG

    GM: Warlordís got a nice haircut, if youíre going to the electric chair.

    BH: Kokoís got a nice haircut if youíve already been to the chair.
    Iíll keep saying it, now and forever. Koko B Ware is GREAT, so underrated. Obviously Warlord gets the win but itís actually quite a good match, if you donít mind Warlord wearing out his welcome a bit with a bearhug in the middle. Koko has a beautiful missile dropkick and Iíll always sing his praises and highlight his good work!

    GM: Warlordís bench press is impressive, but of course weightlifting isnít wrestling.

    Neidhart: Thatís right.

    BH: Thatís right. Wait, did I just agree with you two?

    GM: Oh boy, weíre in trouble.
    Awesomeness Rating: ***Ĺ

    International Justice
    Big Bossman vs. Jacques Rougeau 6/3/91 WWF MSG

    Bossman lays an epic beatdown on Jacques in this one! I have to say, I never loved the Rougeaus as a team but Jacques has really committed to the ridiculous campiness of the Mountie character and itís really working for me. Bossman is great as always, throwing those stupendous punches and cleaning Jacquesí clock. But the Mountie wins with his trusty shock stick! Very fun, very glad there is more of this on the way.

    GM: I thought Bossman was coming right for you, Brain.

    BH: You know, I always liked him.

    GM: Bossman goes down on the clothesline!

    BH: The big dummy! Come on Mountie, shove that shock stick down his Cobb County throat!
    Awesomeness Rating: ***ĺ

    The Ultimate Burn

    BH: What kind of hairstyle would you call that on Beefcake? Early schizophrenic?
    Irwin R Schyster is on the Barbershop. The only reason I mention this is because IRS asks Beefcake why, if he is such a great barber, canít he afford a whole outfit? I nearly died laughing.

    Miscellaneous Quotes

    Hawk: When weíre good, weíre very good, and when weíre bad, weíre very bad!

    BH: He forgot to say ďwhen weíre ugly, weíre very uglyĒ!
    BH: Kerry Von Erich says heís the pride of Texas. Well, if youíve got a horse with a hat on and the ears sticking through, heís the pride of Texas! If you can spit 30 feet into a little round can you carry around in your pocket, youíre the pride of Texas! If youíve got an IQ of 6 and no teeth, youíre the pride of Texas, maíam! Big deal, being the pride of Texas!

    GM: For a guy who says he doesnít like the place, you act like you know a lot about it!

    BH: You donít have to go to the electric chair to know it hurts!
    GM: Why would you make the Tornado mad, when heís got so many tools to make your life miserable?

    BH: Youíre right, he could come over to your house and talk to you for 30 minutes. Thatíd make me miserable!
    VM: I daresay the British Bulldog looks like heís got the Intercontinental Championship written all over him.

    BH: No, whatís all over the British Bulldog is called mange.
    GM: Parts Unknown, is that somewhere in Iowa do you think?

    Neidhart: It just means they donít know where heís from!

    BH: No, it means from downtown Newark.
    BH: What a slow count! I want this ref for my match, if I ever get back in the ring.

    GM: I donít think Madison Square Garden is that desperate, Brain.
    BH: If youíre in front of a crowd of 20,000 people, are you worried if they like you or are you worried about your opponent? If you want the crowd to help you, youíre a loser.

    GM: You wouldnít know what itís all about, nobody ever cheered for you.

    BH: The lady at the bank in Beverly Hills is always happy to see me!
    GM: Today is our first ladyís birthday!

    BH: Itís Sensational Sherriís birthday?

    JN: No, Barbara Bush!

    BH: Oh sure, they like her so much they put her on the dollar bill! See?

    JN: Let me see thatÖ thatís George Washington!

    BH: Hard to tell them apart, isnít it? Hey, give me my dollar back!

    JN: Why donít you come and get it?

    BH: I donít need a buck THAT badÖ

    GM: Letís go back to ringside!

    BH: Hey Gorilla, loan me a buck?
    GM: Here come the Rockers!

    BH: I can never remember which one is Laverne and which one is Shirley.
    GM: Look, I have a box of cigars backstage, you can give that to your dad instead of that horrible plastic tie!

    BH: Iím not giving the tie to my dad anymore. I sold it for three bucks.

    JN: I feel sorry for the weaselís dad.

    BH: Well, heís proud of me. Thatís good enough.
    GM: I always hated the biel toss when I was wrestling, I would always stop anyone who tried it on me if possible.

    BH: If possible? Who could biel you??

    GM: Well, if I was in a compromising positionÖ what would you know about it?

    BH: Thatís true, I donít know about it. Iíve never been in a compromising position.
    BH: You know, when I was a kid, I paid another kid to keep trouble away from me.

    GM: And whatíre you paying him now?

    BH: I donít have to pay him now, I donít get in troubleÖ why, you looking to make a few bucks?
    BH: Andre stepped on my hand, as a journalist how am I supposed to write?

    GM: Youíre lucky he didnít step on your face!
    GM: Hereís the Figure Four! Ask Chief Jay Strongbow about that sometime, it terminated his career!

    BH: Why would I ever talk to him?
    BH: Why does Davey Boy have that Whoopi Goldberg haircut? Does the Queen know he looks like that?

    GM: He likes it that way, and so does the Queen!

    BH: she told me heís a disgrace to the country.

    Phew! If I thought I would have less to talk about with Heenan retiring from ringside, clearly I was fooling myself! I have no doubt the WWF is smart enough to find something for Heenan to do even if heís no longer presiding over the Family. That doesnít mean it isnít a bitter pill to swallow, but I still canít wait to see what comes next for the Weasel.

    Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

  2. #2
    Beautiful Fandom Mystic's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Man, we're getting right into the heart of when I started watching wrestling. I agree with what you say here, that the end of managing is hardly the end. This is what AEW needs to do/be. This is what character driven, personality work can do. Think about what we've covered for months. There has been no wrestling, yet some folk, like MJF, as example, find ways to shine a hundred different ways.

    The quotes you gather and bring here are treasures that deserve to be taken out and viewed in this regard. I read all the quotes 3 times already, and I'll probably read them again. Again, I notice, some are really good lines but others evoke quality simply from a group of people being who they are, consistent characters, over a long haul.

    So much to learn here.

  3. #3
    Great to see this back! It's hard to know where to start. I believe this captures the spirit of Bobby better than anything I've seen. It's the best tribute I've seen for him. He deserves much more as they don't make entertainers like him. PG era wouldn't matter if the talent was this good.

    It's good to see Monsoon was so much behind Bret the entire time. As for Barbarian, I think his and Haku's best days were in WCW and even then, they didn't reach their full potential. Should have been serious business.

    I couldn't believe what I read, here , with the Heenan/Fuji thing. I can't help but wonder where they were going with that.

    Smash as a jobber? Man, that's sad. I think Demolition just went on the decrease as soon as LOD came in. One of the few times, WWE seemed to prefer the outside talent over their own. Crush didn't help the cause. He's a three time flop. Flopped in Demolition, flopped as the Hawaiian, flopped as the jail bird nation member. I think Smash and Ax, even the men behind the paint, complimented each other so well. Ax the veteran, Smash the power house and energy.

    I remember seeing Steamboat as the Dragon when I first tuned into wrestling all those years ago. Was a nice surprise to see him return to WCW at that Clash, after this run.

    Was surprised to see the Mountie get the duke over the Big Boss Man.

    Every back and forth with Heenan and Vince and Monsoon and Anvil and Jameson. Heenan's stuff with Prime Time and the million dollar man. All of it. Gold!

    Great read!
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 05-22-2019 at 01:26 PM.

  4. #4
    One of the best things your series has demonstrated, when Heenan compares himself to Cronkite and the other great tv broadcasters, it's not hyperbole!! The archive of quotes continues to be just plain awesome.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Glad to see this back!

    I get why Heenan would want to retire because he was of the old school that believed managers should take bumps from their face opposition. And based off what I read and saw here Heenan certainly did not shy away from taking bumps. It's sad that he was still able to be a mouthpiece but decided that that wasn't good enough for him. That shows how committed he was to being a proper manager. I never lived through or watched as much footage you did about The Brain , but following along with this series it does make one sad to think about such a time.

    Still loving this series!

  6. #6
    Really funny column. Heenan was one of the funniest people in the history of wrestling. Prime Time Wrestling had lots of great over the top segments that are never talked about. I'm surprised Hogan appeared on it.

    The Barbara Bush/dollar bill banter was probably my favorite.

  7. #7
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    A little feed for the feeders!

    Mystic – As soon as I heard “The Match Made In Heaven, The Match Made In Hell”, I knew we were close to your childhood! Character driven, that’s truly the key. Truly pleased how many people respond to the quotes, makes it worth all the time I spent digging them all up. Thank you for the read and feed my friend.

    Benny Butts – PG era wouldn’t matter if the talent was this good, preach it my friend! PG is the straw-iest of straw men. Meng and Barbarian always deserved more, wherever they went. Heenan and Fuji even wrestled one on one on certain house shows just before Heenan retired from physical action, but I think no footage exists. I hope to one day be proved wrong about that. Ax and Smash were magic together, I think their partnership is one of the most underrated historically. Steamboat’s return to WCW will be legendary, amazing how WWF wasted him in this run. Thanks greatly for the read!

    Prof – Thank you so much, glad you enjoyed!

    Donnie – I do respect Heenan for hanging it up in the ring when he couldn’t take the bumps anymore, comeuppance is one of the most important parts of wrestling and Heenan understood that deeply. I agree though, it’s sad he couldn’t apply himself in the same way, though stay tuned and there may be a bit more of that to come. Glad you’re loving this, I’m loving the reactions!

    Ripper – This era of Prime Time is filled with guest stars, even the rare Hogan appearance. I think he’ll be on a few more times before he backs away from WWF appearances. I absolutely loved that dollar bit, the comedy of Heenan is just out of sight. Thanks very much for the read!

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