Results 1 to 20 of 20
  1. #1

    (YLC - RD1) Two Shields In The Same Universe - A Tale Of Duality Put To The Sword

    YOUNG LION COLUMN COMPETITION
    Two Shields In The Same Universe - A Tale Of Duality Put To The Sword


    Both these developmental fledglings gritted teeth for the holy grail by becoming main roster competitors in WWE. Both these men were once household names in their retrospective worlds - Heartland Wrestling Association (HWA) and Ring Of Honor (ROH.) Both these men were once Tyler Black shifted to Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley turned to Dean Ambrose. Nearly a decade on who'd have thought of such a paradigm shift. Ambrose returning to the Moxley mantra and away from being drip-fed in his WWE Prison. Yet, we have Rollins at the top of the card, holding the Universal Championship in his WWE kingdom. It is fascinating, however, that the WWE had a small glimmer of a long-haired "Jon Moxley" over 10 years ago...

    In 2006 Jon Moxley debuted for WWE...And you're saying: what do you mean? Moxley tag-teamed in an episode of Velocity as a whippy enhancement talent vs MNM in a losing effort. Interestingly, despite his blue "Moxiator" shorts being a mere comedy-act by commentary, he wrestled some crisp chain wrestling maneuvers and sold like a champ - thus maximizing what he was fed by creative. Following defeats vs The Big Show four months later then matched versus Val Venis in January 2007 on an episode of Heat, the man behind the character can be summarized by the handshake given from Val during the match - Respect. Even though throughout this run he was a mere jobber without fanfare, you can see the twinkle in his eye that his passion for wrestling was evident.

    And passion is what the artist formerly known as Tyler Black had in abundance. In 2006, a teenage Tyler faced The Phenomenal Aj Styles in a singles match at NWA (National Wrestling Alliance) "No Limits." The match was an early hallmark into an already Hall Of Fame Career which contained excellent chain-wrestling, ring psychology and athleticism full of aplomb. "This man gave me one of the best matches of my life. He's the future of our business and he's 19 years old. Thank you." This was, much like Moxley and Venis, was followed by a roaring handshake. 2007 was a curse for Black's tag-team partner Marek Brave as with a back injury shelving him out of action, Black began his singles' career from his past exploits. From this point forward, The Boy into "The Man" came to fruition. Matches in ROH against the likes of Austin Aries, Bryan Danielson, and Kenny Omega gave the architect the tools needed to become the "Main Event Rollins" we know today.

    The journey seemed arduous already for both Moxley and Black upon arriving at developmental: Tyler arrived in Florida Championship Wrestling in 2010 while Moxley arrived in 2011. Intriguingly, even though the independent wrestling scene the creme de la creme tends to face one another eventually, it wasn't until the July 3rd episode that not only Moxley made his debut...But it was in a challenge against the one and only Tyler Black himself. Finally, within a shared universe, both men battled to a 20-minute Iron-Man match draw with neither men scoring a pinfall. Tyler Black narrowly won the rematch to which are the seeds of the brotherhood between the two truly began. Both these character arcs and individuals are intertwined with one another.

    However, it is clear with different eyes bring different worlds, even within the same universe.

    Enter: Survivor Series 2012.

    Alongside Roman Reigns, the newly dubbed Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose cascaded the ring and fed Ryback in exploding the Announcers Table with the trifecta of the Triple Powerbomb. The intensity of the celebratory fist of Ambrose and the cold-faced Rollins displayed an air of remodeling the very fabric of not only WWE but the very face of the wrestling industry today. With the "Forgotten Generation" of stars such as The Miz, Sheamus, John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler and co archived before the incumbent of the Shield not fully utilized, this is the opening of a new era of stars with "The Lunatic Fringe" and the future "Kingslayer" to unleash their full plethora of skills onto the wrestling world. Both Dean and Seth are trailblazers for their current and future generations. The legacy of both wrestlers is secured...However, the happiness and congenial levels of both cannot be further paralleled.

    The duality of both superstars can be painted by pre and post-injury. In the case of Seth, 2014 and 2015 were years where he was "Main Event Rollins" since teaming up with "The Authority;" breaking the back of the Shield in the process. With the unfortunate twist versus Kane during a European House show, he had to rebuild and redesign his wrestling upon his 2016 return. Despite the asinine existence of Lesnar derailing the current generations' current stars, Rollins has been booked with the storyline, direction and an arc that is far more tender, love and care in comparison to his peers. It could be argued the only two other wrestlers that have been booked with logical instrumentation are AJ Styles and Daniel Bryan, wrestlers that were imperative tales in Rollins' highlight tapes. This demonstrates the beginning of creative's throat stomping on Dean Ambrose and his character assassination.

    Ambrose was the speaker of The Shield. Yet, bar flashes of brilliance and spark with his first main-roster rivalry with Rollins among other trinkets of excellence, when the shield split, the "Wacky Dean" moniker became too literal with Vince becoming a parodist to Dean's character rather than committing intrigue. For every match with AJ Styles, you get Mitch The Plant. For every mid-card, to main event run, there's the car-crash monstrosity of Lesnar versus Ambrose. Deans' post-injury was meant to be a jump lead start of revving the creative engine of the genius mind of such a wrestler. However, the character became misled by defamation of his arc and the man himself Jonathan became disillusioned. Let us not forget that Dean Ambrose, despite the jagged booking, was ON SIZZLING FIRE during the first half of 2016. Yet, the flames were dampened on Dean and thus fully began the disparity between Dean and Seth.

    The mind of Ambrose has run dry. Being scripted to curse Roman Reigns Leukemia to the point he even point-blank refused to speak on air certain lines is one of many straws that broke the camel's back. He was a good soldier for the WWE and has honored his contract all the way through until it's last day. Crossing off the calendar dates for him to be unleashed and brick out the walls from the prison his mind laid on. And Rollins? he is still a good soldier for the WWE and the prison cells for a good percentage of talent is Seth's mansion.

    By no means, it is the fault of two men that want the pleasure in doing what they love. By no means, it is hatred for either the re-anointed Jon Moxley and Seth "Freakin" Rollins. This is the downfall of the creative process and now we suddenly see two men batting for different teams. The handshake given to both men displays that despite the dissensions and the disputation of their paths...It demonstrates that these men still have the adulation of their peers around them.

    Respect.

  2. #2
    Huge step up from your last piece. Wonderfully written story on duality. With columns like this, I hope your stay in the CF is a long one!
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 07-03-2019 at 01:30 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    913
    From someone that reads most every column but rarely leaves feedback, I’d recommend checking your formatting before posting. I’m reading this on mobile, and the light blue letters on a standard white background makes it impossible to read. Which sucks because I was drawn in by the title alone, but I can’t read it.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by meandi View Post
    From someone that reads most every column but rarely leaves feedback, I’d recommend checking your formatting before posting. I’m reading this on mobile, and the light blue letters on a standard white background makes it impossible to read. Which sucks because I was drawn in by the title alone, but I can’t read it.
    Ah right! Okay on my next column i'll do that! My apologies! I forgot about the different formatting style on mobile! I sadly won't be able to edit the colouring on this post because that will get me penalised!

    If you'd like if you send me your twitter or email I can email it to you

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Benjamin Button View Post
    Huge step up from your last piece. Wonderfully written story on duality. With columns like this, I hope your stay in the CF is a long one!
    Thank you muchly! I really worked hard on ensuring there's a flow and keeping to my points whilst keeping to my writing style! Appreciated

    EDIT - I see my column on the phone view! If you select/highlight all text you can see but legit lesson learned! But yeah I sadly can't change the colour of the text due to the rules of being penalised by editing so I do apologise again!
    Last edited by DrayZera; 07-03-2019 at 03:02 PM.

  6. #6
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    TrowVegas
    Posts
    723
    Nice topic, albeit one that's been discussed in a number of different ways. Some excellent research into the early careers of the two guys, but I'm not sure the rest of the column stands out from others that have been written about them.

    Could have done with a couple more proof reads before posting too. Re-read these sentences:
    Both these men were once Tyler Black shifted to Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley turned to Dean Ambrose.
    With the "Forgotten Generation" of stars such as The Miz, Sheamus, John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler and co archived before the incumbent of the Shield not fully utilized
    Those are the main examples that jumped out at me whilst reading, it's obvious what you mean but it's also obvious that you re-wrote the sentences a few times without properly editing out the original version.

    A definite improvement on your first column, the mistakes you're making are fairly common for a rookie writer, but as someone who claims to have published a book you can't really claim the status of rookie. Don't let it put you off though, you certainly have potential once you've cut out these sort of mistakes.


    Quote Originally Posted by meandi View Post
    From someone that reads most every column but rarely leaves feedback, I’d recommend checking your formatting before posting. I’m reading this on mobile, and the light blue letters on a standard white background makes it impossible to read. Which sucks because I was drawn in by the title alone, but I can’t read it.
    I always use the main site even when on my mobile because the colouring of the mobile site is crap. Looking at it on the main site, this column uses the standard font and colour so I'm guessing this must be an issue with ALL columns, not just this one. Maybe worth raising that as a general site improvement suggestion, it doesn't seem fair to use it as feedback against a single column.

  7. #7
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,614
    Oh boy, you took a swing at Ambrose and Rollins! Great choice, certainly a topic I enjoyed sinking my teeth into as a writer. Very solid work too. As this is a comp let's get into detail though.

    STRUCTURE
    This piece had a good structure in how it progressed its ideas. You had a great indroduction that (minus the typo Dyno pointed out) built the topic of this column up. I personally love it when a writer uses repetition to create emphasis and you nailed that in your intro.

    I also really liked how the subject of this column looped back on itself, you went from one wrestler to the other fairly seamlessly blending the narrative of the pair. it really helped keep the subject of the column and how it linked to the topic of duality at the forefront.

    However I feel a little like you ran out of space towards the end. At the start you went into a lot of detail on their early career but towards the end instead of being able to focus on the way their two careers seemed to diverge at the start of this year but wind up with them at the same spot but on opposing team it felt like you had to rush the entry. Obviously you are at the mercy of the word limit but an important part of structure in a tournament like this is fitting it into the word limit.

    CREATIVITY
    I already said I loved some of your choices language wise here, the repetition of 'both of these men' helped strengthen that link between them and is just a technique that I like. I also found the piece quite descriptive of their early careers, it really added colour to what you were talking about and fleshed out the pictures you were drawing of each wrestler.

    You also played with different words a little like when you played with Ryback's catch phrse where you said they fed him to an announcers table.

    Good stuff here, you have a flair for language and I enjoy reading it.

    CONTENT
    This is a subject I love. The Rollins/Ambrose relationship is one of the greatest story lines the WWE has ever constructed and it will be interesting to see how it continues on in the future as the pair now sit at the top of opposing companies.

    I would say that I appreciate all of Dean's work pre-injury and don't agree that his great moments were only 'sparks' as you said. In my mind he was a raging fire of creativity, character and in-ring excellence up until his first injury. I know he went a little off the boil in terms of crowd response but his work even against the likes of Baron Corbin still stands up. It wasn't the greatest stuff he has ever produced but it leaves the majority of segments that are on TV today for dead. Hell I was even a huge advocate for the initial heel turn before things did go off the rails. It may have been him making good stuff out of a terrible creative situation but it doesn't change that he was producing really great work.

    That said you still make a pretty clear argument for how the pair's careers are linked, my own personal feelings aside, I do just wish you had been able to go into more detail towards the end as there does seem to be some small parts missing that would really strengthen your argument that both men were linked by how they command or demand respect.

    INTANGIBLES
    Not much to say here.

    WHAT YOU CAN WORK ON
    Obviously I haven't read a whole lot of your work but I think you are a guy who has a fair bit to say and that is good however as you have to stick to a word limit you do need to work on ensuring that the whole piece gets the same amount of love.
    Also as Dyno pointed out this could have used a second proof read. I'm freakin' terrible about these and I still see errors on my main page pieces to this day (and get heckeld in the comments for it). My problem is that I can't get my head out of the piece so my brain tricks me into thinking i've got things right. Try reading out loud if you are anything like me, that often helps me pick things up.

    Overall though this was a really fun read. A topic I will always enjoy reading about because there is just so much to dig into when it comes to the story of these two men.
    Looking forward to seeing more from you man.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by DynamiteBillington View Post
    Nice topic, albeit one that's been discussed in a number of different ways. Some excellent research into the early careers of the two guys, but I'm not sure the rest of the column stands out from others that have been written about them.

    Could have done with a couple more proof reads before posting too. Re-read these sentences:


    Those are the main examples that jumped out at me whilst reading, it's obvious what you mean but it's also obvious that you re-wrote the sentences a few times without properly editing out the original version.

    A definite improvement on your first column, the mistakes you're making are fairly common for a rookie writer, but as someone who claims to have published a book you can't really claim the status of rookie. Don't let it put you off though, you certainly have potential once you've cut out these sort of mistakes.




    I always use the main site even when on my mobile because the colouring of the mobile site is crap. Looking at it on the main site, this column uses the standard font and colour so I'm guessing this must be an issue with ALL columns, not just this one. Maybe worth raising that as a general site improvement suggestion, it doesn't seem fair to use it as feedback against a single column.
    Ah I will say my book is a book on poetry and I will say poetry has more free form with less structure compared to article writing! Not dampening what you said but I fully agree! I appreciate your words and yeah! I feel I am someone that needs to work on more patience in proof reading and such! In my poetry book I had someone else from my publisher to proof read for me! So I will definitely do my best in proof reading! Ah, and you see, I went into this column not reading about a column about it from the columns forum! My main influences were listening to TRSOTP podcast and just being an avid fan of both!

    I'm really thankful for the feedback and I appreciate it!


    Quote Originally Posted by SirSam
    Oh boy, you took a swing at Ambrose and Rollins! Great choice, certainly a topic I enjoyed sinking my teeth into as a writer. Very solid work too. As this is a comp let's get into detail though.

    STRUCTURE
    This piece had a good structure in how it progressed its ideas. You had a great indroduction that (minus the typo Dyno pointed out) built the topic of this column up. I personally love it when a writer uses repetition to create emphasis and you nailed that in your intro.

    I also really liked how the subject of this column looped back on itself, you went from one wrestler to the other fairly seamlessly blending the narrative of the pair. it really helped keep the subject of the column and how it linked to the topic of duality at the forefront.

    However I feel a little like you ran out of space towards the end. At the start you went into a lot of detail on their early career but towards the end instead of being able to focus on the way their two careers seemed to diverge at the start of this year but wind up with them at the same spot but on opposing team it felt like you had to rush the entry. Obviously you are at the mercy of the word limit but an important part of structure in a tournament like this is fitting it into the word limit.

    CREATIVITY
    I already said I loved some of your choices language wise here, the repetition of 'both of these men' helped strengthen that link between them and is just a technique that I like. I also found the piece quite descriptive of their early careers, it really added colour to what you were talking about and fleshed out the pictures you were drawing of each wrestler.

    You also played with different words a little like when you played with Ryback's catch phrse where you said they fed him to an announcers table.

    Good stuff here, you have a flair for language and I enjoy reading it.

    CONTENT
    This is a subject I love. The Rollins/Ambrose relationship is one of the greatest story lines the WWE has ever constructed and it will be interesting to see how it continues on in the future as the pair now sit at the top of opposing companies.

    I would say that I appreciate all of Dean's work pre-injury and don't agree that his great moments were only 'sparks' as you said. In my mind he was a raging fire of creativity, character and in-ring excellence up until his first injury. I know he went a little off the boil in terms of crowd response but his work even against the likes of Baron Corbin still stands up. It wasn't the greatest stuff he has ever produced but it leaves the majority of segments that are on TV today for dead. Hell I was even a huge advocate for the initial heel turn before things did go off the rails. It may have been him making good stuff out of a terrible creative situation but it doesn't change that he was producing really great work.

    That said you still make a pretty clear argument for how the pair's careers are linked, my own personal feelings aside, I do just wish you had been able to go into more detail towards the end as there does seem to be some small parts missing that would really strengthen your argument that both men were linked by how they command or demand respect.

    INTANGIBLES
    Not much to say here.

    WHAT YOU CAN WORK ON
    Obviously I haven't read a whole lot of your work but I think you are a guy who has a fair bit to say and that is good however as you have to stick to a word limit you do need to work on ensuring that the whole piece gets the same amount of love.
    Also as Dyno pointed out this could have used a second proof read. I'm freakin' terrible about these and I still see errors on my main page pieces to this day (and get heckeld in the comments for it). My problem is that I can't get my head out of the piece so my brain tricks me into thinking i've got things right. Try reading out loud if you are anything like me, that often helps me pick things up.

    Overall though this was a really fun read. A topic I will always enjoy reading about because there is just so much to dig into when it comes to the story of these two men.
    Looking forward to seeing more from you man.

    Thanks very much man for your words and for your analysis! Was really touching for you to go into detail and analyse my work in such a way! I did feel I was nowhere near the word limit but then poof! I realised my structure of all the cake slices are unequal! So, I will work on making things more spread for a home run in future! And do my best of course!

    I will see if speaking out loud would help and thanks again SirSam for all your feedback! Was really touched and thankful of your words!

  9. #9
    Do I shit in the woods? BEAR's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    130
    Yeah. I think the edit rule should be waived here, it’s pretty much unreadable in that colour scheme.

    However, if you had reached out to all of the mentors on offer, someone would have pointed that out.

  10. #10
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    TrowVegas
    Posts
    723
    Just had a look on the mobile site, I see what you guys are talking about now.

    Never use that version of the site cos I hate how it looks generally, but yeah that definitely looks unreadable.

    I'm happy for the edit rule to be waived to get that sorted so others can read it.

  11. #11
    Administrator Prime Time's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    4,337
    I've taken the liberty of intervening and removing the formatting tags that were causing the problem.

    So long as the only edit visible is the one made by me, there'll be no penalty, obviously.

    "The worst moron is the one too stupid to realise they're a moron."

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Prime Time View Post
    I've taken the liberty of intervening and removing the formatting tags that were causing the problem.

    So long as the only edit visible is the one made by me, there'll be no penalty, obviously.
    Thanks Prime Time and others for your words! I appreciate it!

    Apologies, it was a last second decision to change the colour of the text haha so I felt the colour of the text wouldn't have been asked by me! But really appreciate it! I'll talk to mentors more and of course other column writers too because I want to be better

    Thanks all!

  13. #13
    Main Pager Maverick's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Hipsterville By Sea, United Kingdom
    Posts
    98
    Now this is what I'm talking about! An excellent piece, and one which I'd love to see extended into a series sometime in order to give yourself the room to really explore the issues you began to uncover here. Ambrose and Rollins is obviously my favourite thing to talk about, and I loved your take on their careers running in parallel but diverging post 2016. What might have been interesting was to delve into the kayfabe of the characters as well, as they were always written as a ying yang, especially after 2014. There were a couple of awkward turns of phrase here and there "cascading into the ring" for example, but this was the most accomplished column I've read thus far by a distance. Well done!

  14. #14
    Author of 101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die Samuel 'Plan's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    673
    Mav an Ambrose guy, me a Rollins guy - don't think I can't see what you tried here Dray!

    Joking aside, I really got a kick out of the bravery with which you clearly approached your writing here. It certainly wasn't short an attempt or two at flare! But my advice, hoping not to sound as if I'm patronising you, is to essentially to chill out a little bit. Your phrasing is sometimes so curious that what you're trying to say gets lost, distracted by trying to think of the most colourful way to say it. Writing that reads as if every other word was selected from a thesaurus is not good writing. Not every single sentence of a column needs to be quite as intense as they were here. While I don't want to see you lose a jot of the verve you so clearly and wonderfully write with, at the same time I'd like to see your writing just relax a little bit.

    That's really my only major gripe though. It's clear to me, through the nature of this piece, who you are as a wrestling fan and the fact it's focused on the fiction rather than the presumed 'fact', for the most part at least, means that it played very much to my tastes and is an example of something I wish was in much greater abundance in wrestling circles, especially the IWC. You even found space to inform, with a little selection about both men before they even got to WWE - a nice addition that I'm sure would have it stand out against comparable pieces.

    I enjoyed this a lot, but I do think your phrasing needs a lot of work, ironically mostly in the form of pulling back on it a little bit and simplifying. Remember: less is more, always, and one linguistic flourish in ten will stand out far more than ten shoved up against each other.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Maverick View Post
    Now this is what I'm talking about! An excellent piece, and one which I'd love to see extended into a series sometime in order to give yourself the room to really explore the issues you began to uncover here. Ambrose and Rollins is obviously my favourite thing to talk about, and I loved your take on their careers running in parallel but diverging post 2016. What might have been interesting was to delve into the kayfabe of the characters as well, as they were always written as a ying yang, especially after 2014. There were a couple of awkward turns of phrase here and there "cascading into the ring" for example, but this was the most accomplished column I've read thus far by a distance. Well done!
    I felt like sometimes (as I will delve deeper in what Plan said) I wanted to really be bold and abrasive over my wordplay. Because of my poetry background, there's more license of free verse and less structure in comparison to an article piece. I feel for me it is a learning curve to me to continue to work hard and for me to find a b
    a balance between my natural writing style and a good flow to it all! I appreciate you praise and feedback and honoured too thank you! Ambrose and Rollins (At the moment Ambrose especially) has been my two favourite wrestlers for a long while too within the WWE stratosphere in modern times! The moment that Moxley released his AEW shirt, I IMMEDIATELY bought it and paid that extra postage as you know how it is by being british and waiting for atlantic deliveries! But yes, thanks so much! I'll take what was said on board and work hard for the next round!


    Quote Originally Posted by Samuel Plan
    Mav an Ambrose guy, me a Rollins guy - don't think I can't see what you tried here Dray!

    Joking aside, I really got a kick out of the bravery with which you clearly approached your writing here. It certainly wasn't short an attempt or two at flare! But my advice, hoping not to sound as if I'm patronising you, is to essentially to chill out a little bit. Your phrasing is sometimes so curious that what you're trying to say gets lost, distracted by trying to think of the most colourful way to say it. Writing that reads as if every other word was selected from a thesaurus is not good writing. Not every single sentence of a column needs to be quite as intense as they were here. While I don't want to see you lose a jot of the verve you so clearly and wonderfully write with, at the same time I'd like to see your writing just relax a little bit.

    That's really my only major gripe though. It's clear to me, through the nature of this piece, who you are as a wrestling fan and the fact it's focused on the fiction rather than the presumed 'fact', for the most part at least, means that it played very much to my tastes and is an example of something I wish was in much greater abundance in wrestling circles, especially the IWC. You even found space to inform, with a little selection about both men before they even got to WWE - a nice addition that I'm sure would have it stand out against comparable pieces.

    I enjoyed this a lot, but I do think your phrasing needs a lot of work, ironically mostly in the form of pulling back on it a little bit and simplifying. Remember: less is more, always, and one linguistic flourish in ten will stand out far more than ten shoved up against each other.
    As someone that has met wrestlers but also have connections to prominent wrestling promoters in the UK to the point that I spent one evening after an indie show chilling with Big Damo eating at a kebab place near Colchester (The man now known as Killian Dain - not bragging just using an example) and remembering that at the end of the day we want to be entertained. We want it to be a show and we want to ensure that things make sense and things have a beginning, middle and end because we want stories to be coherent. It's why I am angered by WWE and the fact of their muddy waterings of their creative. It's what makes me captivated by these two wrestlers here because of the amount of backstory and intrigue they have made!

    My natural persona in real life is of someone that is naturally eccentric. Of course, as with age i'm learning slowly how to be a more chill human being! Let alone be more relaxed in my work!

    Thanks so much for the praise and the feedback! I'll definitely take it on board

  16. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    367
    Loved the topic of this column. This was super informative as well as I had no idea Moxley was in WWE prior to FCW nor did I know Moxley debuted in that very promotion to face off against Rollins. Boy, how they were destined for each other. I will forever hold out hope that they will feud somewhere down the line once more, whether in WWE or otherwise.

  17. #17
    You know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    72
    Nice to see you writing in here, first and foremost.

    I liked this column. I appreciated the topic and the commitment to detail. It read, however, like a very raw column writer's work. There's eloquence to be found in your writing, but in this instance it felt forced to me. I also thought it read as fairly choppy and had resulting issues (off and on) with flow, which is one of the most important dynamics to column writing for me unless you're doing a list column.

    This piece had a very conversationalist tone, so the best piece of advice I can give is to hone in on the skill of translating your voice to paper.
    Author of The WrestleMania Era book series, author of The Doctor's Orders columns on LOP since 2010, LOP Columns Hall of Famer, former host of The Doc Says podcast on LOP Radio (2013-2018), former LOP Raw and WWE PPV Reviewer (2006-2007), and former LOP Smackdown Reviewer (2004-2006)

  18. #18
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    3,281
    The core of this was fantastic, exactly the kind of stuff I would love to see if I was a judge. You clearly did your research on (or already knew about) some very interesting but lesser known parts of the careers of both men, and you did a good job weaving that into the better known run of the Shield and beyond, right up to the modern day. The only really difficult part were some of the jumbled sentences and thoughts that I had trouble following, but let me urge you to send me a copy of your next piece and I'll be only too happy to help you sort them out, because I see potential greatness all over this piece.

  19. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    167
    I think the strength of this column shines when you consider it holistically. It has a strong overarching narrative of the similarities and differences in Ambrose and Rollins, going chronologically but avoiding a Wikipedia-ish feel. Describing the stories of each, capturing a nice feeling of “to be continued” in your conclusion, having a nice feel of “in the early days…” in your opening – those are the strengths of your column.

    When you look at it more analytically, though, I think issues crop up a lot more. There are a number of awkward sentences that could easily be ironed out with only a small tweaking of words. “Both of these men were once Tyler Black shifted to Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley turned to Dean Ambrose” feels awkward. Either scrap “Both” – “These men were Tyler Black and Jon Moxley, respectively transformed to Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose” – or add something after the first couple of words that applies more to a “Both” situation – “Both of these men were once less-recognized wrestlers; Seth Rollins was merely a Tyler Black; Dean Ambrose was only a Jon Moxley”. There are numerous other instances of similarly clumsy wordings – the crème de la crème line, “fed Ryback”, and the prison cells/mansion sentence are a couple of examples. Other minor grammatical errors appeared in “Deans’” and inconsistencies in capitalizing Shield and not capitalizing it.

    Regarding content, I think you paint a good picture overall, though I’d argue at times you reach to extremes to further romanticize the narrative. “Throat stomping” and “character assassination” seem a little exaggerated. Unless Seth Rollins had the nickname The Boy in his pre-WWE days (and if so, forgive my ignorance), saying The Boy turned into The Man is a reach. Even identifying the twinkle in Ambrose’s eye in his jobber days, suggesting that he showed something that no other wrestler in that exact role in those days did, comes across as a little romanticized to me.

    I think having a very accomplished feel to the whole arc of your column is a big win for you, and it’s far easier to iron out mistakes within an overall good piece than it would be to try to fix a situation where crisp writing is ultimately saying nothing in the big picture. In other words, you’ve displayed a great set of tools and just need to smooth the hiccups – although I did think there were quite a few hiccups.

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by The Doc View Post
    Nice to see you writing in here, first and foremost.

    I liked this column. I appreciated the topic and the commitment to detail. It read, however, like a very raw column writer's work. There's eloquence to be found in your writing, but in this instance it felt forced to me. I also thought it read as fairly choppy and had resulting issues (off and on) with flow, which is one of the most important dynamics to column writing for me unless you're doing a list column.

    This piece had a very conversationalist tone, so the best piece of advice I can give is to hone in on the skill of translating your voice to paper.
    Thanks so much Doc for all the feedback! I felt the forcefulness of the piece is partly due to me being nervous! But hey ho, i'll ensure to try and be less choppy and more flowy Let's roll over to round 2 !


    Quote Originally Posted by mizfan
    The core of this was fantastic, exactly the kind of stuff I would love to see if I was a judge. You clearly did your research on (or already knew about) some very interesting but lesser known parts of the careers of both men, and you did a good job weaving that into the better known run of the Shield and beyond, right up to the modern day. The only really difficult part were some of the jumbled sentences and thoughts that I had trouble following, but let me urge you to send me a copy of your next piece and I'll be only too happy to help you sort them out, because I see potential greatness all over this piece.
    Yeah i follow you man and i will definitely use mentors for advice for my next piece! Thank you so much and I look forward to listening to the next podcast


    Quote Originally Posted by skullduggery
    I think the strength of this column shines when you consider it holistically. It has a strong overarching narrative of the similarities and differences in Ambrose and Rollins, going chronologically but avoiding a Wikipedia-ish feel. Describing the stories of each, capturing a nice feeling of “to be continued” in your conclusion, having a nice feel of “in the early days…” in your opening – those are the strengths of your column.

    When you look at it more analytically, though, I think issues crop up a lot more. There are a number of awkward sentences that could easily be ironed out with only a small tweaking of words. “Both of these men were once Tyler Black shifted to Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley turned to Dean Ambrose” feels awkward. Either scrap “Both” – “These men were Tyler Black and Jon Moxley, respectively transformed to Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose” – or add something after the first couple of words that applies more to a “Both” situation – “Both of these men were once less-recognized wrestlers; Seth Rollins was merely a Tyler Black; Dean Ambrose was only a Jon Moxley”. There are numerous other instances of similarly clumsy wordings – the crème de la crème line, “fed Ryback”, and the prison cells/mansion sentence are a couple of examples. Other minor grammatical errors appeared in “Deans’” and inconsistencies in capitalizing Shield and not capitalizing it.

    Regarding content, I think you paint a good picture overall, though I’d argue at times you reach to extremes to further romanticize the narrative. “Throat stomping” and “character assassination” seem a little exaggerated. Unless Seth Rollins had the nickname The Boy in his pre-WWE days (and if so, forgive my ignorance), saying The Boy turned into The Man is a reach. Even identifying the twinkle in Ambrose’s eye in his jobber days, suggesting that he showed something that no other wrestler in that exact role in those days did, comes across as a little romanticized to me.

    I think having a very accomplished feel to the whole arc of your column is a big win for you, and it’s far easier to iron out mistakes within an overall good piece than it would be to try to fix a situation where crisp writing is ultimately saying nothing in the big picture. In other words, you’ve displayed a great set of tools and just need to smooth the hiccups – although I did think there were quite a few hiccups.
    I follow! I felt that I went too extreme with the duality theme! But you know, I live and learn

    thank you so much for your comments and will take it forward!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •