Originally posted by RAW is Snapple, 22nd November 2002


Hello fellow wrestling fanatics, and welcome to the MAIN PAGE DEBUT of Wrestling in a Bottle. For those who are reading for the first time, I am the one simply known as Snapple, a jack of all trades. Just to give a little background, I am currently an undergraduate attending the great University of Texas (Hook 'em horns!). I've been visiting LOP for about a year now, and several months ago I decided the time was right to do a column filled with my own whacky thoughts. That has brought me here, to the front page.

I like to keep my column organized, so allow me to break down the layout for those tuning in. The first section of my column is called "What's Your Story?" That's the longest part of the column usually, and it is simply my analysis of the current direction of the storylines in the WWE. I also sneak in my thoughts on wrestlers, what I think will happen in the future, and so on. The next section, "What Chris Nowinski Did This Week" I think is pretty self explanatory. It's one of the more famous parts of my column that I do partly because I support Nowinski and mostly because I like being random. "Flavor of the Week" is my pick for which wrestler really gave it their all in the past week as compared to other wrestlers. "Chump of the Week" works similarly, except in the opposite direction. I use this space to belittle the person who pissed me off this past week. Next is "Pieces of Randomness", which is just a list of random wrestling blurbs that I write for amusement. To wrap up my column, I borrow a page from Jerry Springer's book and have my "Final Thought", to just summarize my thoughts in general.

This week, in honor of my inaugural main page debut, I have conducted an exclusive interview with the icon himself, Hulk Hogan. I have done two interviews in the past, both of which I did with the Undertaker. The response was so positive that I've been saving this idea for a special occasion. I'll get to that later, though.

What's Your Story?

Ever since Survivor Series, I had been dreading what would happen on Smackdown! I knew that Big Show was going to start eating up airtime, because he's the champion now. Just so I stress the point, by the way, Big Show is a horrible champion. There were so many things the WWE could've done with the Big Show instead of making him a champion. I think a return to his comedy gimmick would've been nice (ie Showkishi, Shownan the Barbarian). One of the biggest running jokes I have which I will continue to use is my idea to push Show into a cannibalism gimmick. I'm telling you people, it's brilliant. Make Big Show a cannibal, and have him try to eat the Cruiserweight Division. It'll be a nice way to give the cruiserweights some attention, and make Big Show entertaining at the same time.

Speaking of Show, thank goodness for Paul Heyman! If Paul Heyman is the person who cuts the majority of Big Show promos and not the tub of lard himself, I can stomach that until he drops the belt. I swear, if Big Show beats any big name superstars cleanly while he's the champ, I will not forgive him. That's why I was glad his match with Edge ended in a No Contest. That was the best possible thing that could've happened, because I would retch if I saw Show pin one of my favorite wrestlers.

Well, with Jamie Noble calling in his "crazy cousin", and Bull Buchanan of all people coming to the aid of John "Big Bad Proto Daddy" Cena, it looks like the WWE is finally trying to make new tag teams on Smackdown! I think it's smart to make new teams and let Edge, Rey, Angle, and Benoit get on with their singles careers. The only problem I see right now is that there will be too many heel teams. The Guerreros are heels. Cena is a heel. Noble is a heel. Those are three heels teams right there, so who do they have to face? Well, I guess Billy Gunn will be healed up soon. Lucky for us! I really enjoy watching Billy and Chuck as a gay heel team. After they turned face, their worth just went down the toilet in my book. At least Chuck has some talent to fall back on, but what does poor Billy have? That's why I think the most sensible thing to do would be to turn Jamie Noble face. The Guerreros wouldn't make as convincing faces as heels, and Cena is fresh off of his heel turn, so it's too soon for him to go back. Noble, on the other hand, I think could become a face with relative ease. He always gets a reaction out of the crowd, his girlfriend is good-looking, and I always love his comedy routine. Imagine the whole Noble family coming out to the ring every week in an old jalopy, much like the one in the Beverly Hillbillies. I see definite possibilities here.

Angle and Benoit confuse me. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a main event Tweener, let alone two of them. Usually when I think tweeners, I think jobbers on Velocity and Hardcore Holly. I really wish they'd let these two guys either go back to being heels or complete their face transition. I still say Angle won't be a complete face until they figure out what to do with the "You suck" chants. It's just impossible.

Having Benoit and Angle turn face would be nice, but I don't think that's very reasonable. The WWE's upper tier is overloaded with faces on both RAW and Smackdown! On Smackdown!, you have Edge, Rey Mysterio, the Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, and now potentially Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit. Meanwhile, the main heels on Smackdown! are the Big Show and Eddie Guerrerro. Does anyone see a problem here? On RAW, it's just as bad. You have RVD, Kane, Booker T, Shawn Michaels, and potentially Scott Steiner all as faces. Meanwhile, only Triple-H and Jericho are holding up the heel part of the show. I won't count Ric Flair, because Flair doesn't wrestle hardly anymore and doesn't feud with anyone. Like Daveyboy says, Flair seems to suck heat from his opponents.

What Chris Nowinski Did This Week

Coming off his surprise appearance at Survivor Series, Nowinski resumed his feud with Al Snow and Maven. Maven wasn't around this week, so let's have a hardcore match with Al Snow instead! I thought the bout was pretty good. It was one of Nowinski's better matches, and I think that may be because of the hardcore rules. Hardcore matches can potentially cover up some of a wrestler's flaws. Nowinski still has that good technical arsenal that he pulls out once in a while, but sometimes he just sells his moves awkwardly. I'm sure that will go away with time though. Chris took some pretty brutal shots from Al. Ouch, I wonder if he was getting payback for working too stiffly at a houseshow or something.

Flavor of the Week

I'm sticking with the same person I chose as flavor in my Tuesday column. That person is Chris Jericho. He's definitely had one of his better weeks. From coming in third during the Elimination Chamber to his awesome promo with Steiner to pulling out that gorgeous frog splash on RAW, Jericho has been giving it a lot of effort lately. This just goes to show, the WWE can job Jericho all they want for months at a time, but they can't make him go away. His wicked talent and natural heat keep getting crowds hot for all his matches. I don't see, however, what the WWE has against Jericho using more high-flying moves. I guess they think main eventers have to be all brawlers and mat workers.

Oh, and I credit the Jericho Juke and Jive for the 0.6 ratings increase over last week.

Chump of the Week

How could I possibly give this award to anyone else? It's the Big Show. What can I say, he's a big talentless slob of a man. He's gone from jobber to champion in a matter of a month. Not only that, but he ended Brock's undefeated streak, an honor that could've really put over some deserving wrestlers (ie Edge, Angle). That's just way too much for my taste. On top of that, I saw him last week talking to Funaki. Yes I did, and do you know what Big Show was trying to do? EAT HIM! Now that just shows very little class. I guess Show is a fan of Japanese food.

Special Feature: An Interview with Hulk Hogan

Snapple: Well, I must say that it's an honor to have such a legend as yourself here with us, Mister Hogan. How are you feeling?

Hogan: I feel great, brother! I'm doing better than I ever have in my entire life.

Snapple: That's good to hear. I hope you can answer some of my questions. There have been rumors lately of your age and health. In fact, in a recent poll conducted by "Wrestling in a Bottle", fans were asked whether they thought you were too old to wrestle. A small percentage of people said no, a slightly bigger percentage said yes, and the majority were too stunned to hear that you're still alive to answer the question. What do you have to say to your fans?

Hogan: I just have to say that Hulkamania is running wilder than ever! The fans have rejuvenated me, and I feel great!

Snapple: Indeed.

Hogan: I proved them wrong. When they said that a dead person couldn't wrestle, I showed the doubters that Hulk still rules!

Snapple: Wait a minute. Did you say dead person?

Hogan: I gotta be honest, Tropicana, when they buried in rotting corpse in the ground last year, that's when I started to worry that my career might be taking a turn for the worse.

Snapple: I think I'm going to be ill.

Hogan: But the fans believed in Hulkamania! Now, the Hulkster is better than ever! Nobody is stopping me from runnin' wild all over the WWF!

Snapple: It's the WWE now...

Hogan: Whatever. I feel just great, and it's because of the fans. I love everyone of them, especially the ones that buy my new DVD, "Hulk Still Rules".

Snapple: Um, you mentioned being dead earlier. How exactly is it that you're talking to me if you're dead?

Hogan: I couldn't rest in my grave when the spirit of Hulkamania was more alive than ever, brother! You can hear all about it in my new autobiography, available on WWEShopZone.com.

Snapple: That's super. So, do you think it's effected your ring work, being... you know, dead and all?

Hogan: Are you kidding? I may be dead, but the energy that I get from seeing all the Hulkamaniacs cheer at all my matches has made me a better performer than I've ever been. I've even designed myself a new finisher, the Van Hulkinator.

Snapple: I'm afraid to ask, but what on Earth is a Van Hulkinator?

Hogan: That's the move where I spinning heel kick a copy of my new autobiography into the face of my opponent! Reserve your copy today!

Snapple: Oh boy. Well, in any case, what do you do when you're not wrestling these days?

Hogan: I keep pretty busy promoting my new line of products! Now Hulkamaniacs can run wild all night long with Hulkamania ribbed latex condoms! Available on WWEShopZone.com.

Snapple: You can't seriously be selling this stuff, can you?

Hogan: I have to, because the fans demand it! Hulk rules from beyond the grave, and now everyone can show it by using new Hulkamania Acne Cleanser! Whatcha gonna do, when acne runs wild on you? Buy my daily face wash! That's what.

Snapple: I swear... if you say "running wild" one more time...

Hogan: I tell ya, it's runnin' wild!

Snapple: Somebody shoot me.

Hogan: Anything else you want to know, Mr. Pibb?

Snapple: Besides whether I should continue the interview or stab myself, would you mind telling your plans for the future?

Hogan: Well, my career in the WWF is great. However, I think that my true talents now that Hulkamania's been resurged are going untapped. I eventually plan to break into that X Division over in NWA-TNA.

Snapple: Um... are you sure about that?

Hogan: Absolutely! If there's one thing the new Hulk is all about, it's Total Nonstop Action! Now that's what I call wild, Gene.

Snapple: I'm not Gene Okerlund.

Hogan: Whatever you say, Funaki. Oh, and I'm tired of the whole Real American and Jimi Hendrix stuff. Those were good theme songs, but this is the 21st century! I gotta stay fresh, brother!

Snapple: I'm afraid to ask... okay, what's your new theme song?

Hogan: "California Love"! I like to kick it west coast now. It represents everything that is Hulkamania 2002. Get down with me, Red Bull!

Snapple: Uh... maybe next time. Goodnight everybody!

Hogan: I like to get jiggy with it.

Snapple: I think I've had enough out of you, mister.

Pieces of Randomness

-Is it me or does Edge look exactly like the lead singer for Puddle of Mud when he wears a cap?
-Stay tuned next week kiddies, as I'm sure we're all on the edge of our seats to hear Bull Buchanan rap!
-After the interview, Hogan asked me to tell y'all to get the new Hulkamania Home Mammogram Test.
-Did anyone see Tough Enough? I was really embarrassed watching Scott call a girl he probably barely knew from four years ago. What a dummie. Take it from me. You should never let the girl you like see you. They like it better when you follow them discreetly and hide in their bushes.
-The Undertaker was arrested this past week under charges of animal cruelty after several dead cats were found in his home. When asked for comments, Mr. Calloway said, "I was trying to housebreak my cats, but I didn't have a newspaper to disciple them. How was I supposed to know they can't sell a Tombstone right?" More on this story as it develops.
-Sean Waltman and Joanie Laurer released a statement today that if you want to give a wedding present, they're registered at Ripley's Believe it or Not.

Final Thought

I hope y'all enjoyed my column. I do try to put forth some effort into my work. Even so, there are a great number of columnists who are absolutely fantastic that are still down in the Columns Forum. Guys like Nad, Skorpio, Dredg, Marty, BJ, GTP, and others are great writers, and I highly recommend giving them a visit. I think I'm going to be counting the days until HBK and Show drop their respective titles. We're coming off of a major PPV, so things may start to simmer down. If they continue to push the Big Show, things will more likely fall asleep. I say give the title to Angle, as that will hopefully convince him to stay instead of training for the next year-and-a-half. That's all for this week. I really enjoy getting feedback. It's what drives me to write, so send questions or comments to happydude5000@msn.com.