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  1. #1
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    May 2018

    Kingzak Presents: Video Games vs Wrestling 2

    What’s up guy’s, Kingzak is back with another column. It’s that time of the year again, I’m sure you are wondering what I mean. I am of course referring to Zaktober, for those of you that are new to the forums, last October I renamed it Zaktober and then I won columnist of the month. So the plan is to do it again this year, but competition is looking a bit fiercer this year, so that means more columns for you guys.

    We are kicking off the month with the return of an idea I had several years back, in the form of the Wrestlers vs Video Games series. The idea is a simple one, take a look at some video game charecters and see how they would do in the weird and wonderful world of wrestling. Initially the idea was flawed because the majority of the forums didn’t play enough video games and I had picked some slightly less mainstream games.

    So today I am going to take more of a step back in the format and go for more generalised characters from the world of video games, that way when you don’t know them, it is 100% your fault and not down to the fact that you haven’t dived deep enough into the world of gaming. So without further ado, let’s take a look at our first candidate shall we.

    We’ll start with one of gamings most iconic characters, Mario is to gaming what Hulk Hogan is to wrestling, got big in the 80s, was a part of one of the great wars of their medium, and while a lot quieter these days, they are still a huge deal in wrestling. The only difference is Mario hasn’t been outed as racist or had a sex tape released.

    Fun Fact: Just came across this on Wikipedia, there was a Super Mario TV Show in the late 80s, and it had Captain Lou Albano playing the role of Mario. I love coming across these sorts of weird crossovers between wrestling and video games.

    Mario has become the anchor for the whole of Nintendo, flanked by the Pokemon and Zelda games, the three have carried Nintendo for a good 15 or so years. The games are typically more marketed towards children, which makes sense given the fairly simple gameplay and colourful characters. It is that simple fact that starts me in think that Mario may cope well in the WWE. Colourful and child friendly, he could be like an Italian John Cena.

    However that is where the comparison to Cena ends. While popular, Mario does have a lot of drawbacks as a wrestler. The first and foremost being the fact that he dies in a couple of hits and relies heavily on powerups. In your average wrestling match you are going to get hit with something, it is inevitable. While the many powerups will help Mario defend himself from other wrestlers, the big problem for them is that the majority will likely see him disqualified. Couple in that Mario’s main attack is jumping on his opponent, which is usually quite an easy thing to counter early in a match, he is not going to be getting a lot of offense in.

    On top of this, he isn’t exactly a big talker. While that isn’t necessarily a drawback, it would definitely hurt, all Mario does for the most part is spout catchphrases and other short sentences. Typically a wrestler in any promotion needs to be able to manage a couple minutes of cutting a promo, and Mario doesn’t fill me with hope for that. And he doesn’t exactly have a physique that could really do the talking for him, he is less than five foot tall when he is at his full size, and isn’t exactly bulging with muscle.

    However, there is one thing above all else that means that Mario would not make it as a pro-wrestler, and that is his reliance on mushrooms. Now I don’t know the ins and outs of wrestling’s drug laws, but I’m pretty sure taking a bunch of Magical power mushrooms to help win is probably against it. No reputable wrestling company would take him.

    Wrestling ability: 3/10
    Promo ability: 2/10
    Look: 3/10
    Charisma/It Factor: 8/10 (Hard to deny his success)

    Final score: 4/10

    So in summary, while Mario may be a great video game protagonist, he would make a god awful wrestler. So while it may be game over for Mario, let’s take a look at our next player and see if they have what it takes to be a potential superstar.

    Our second hopeful is another of video gaming’s most iconic characters and franchise rival to Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic is the WCW to Marios WWE, both were huge in the 90s and at war, and then the 2000s hit and everything went downhill. Unlike WCW, Sonic is still going with new games, though nowhere near the success he had back in the 90s.

    So as a wrestler, Sonic is definitely at a disadvantage because he is a hedgehog and they are naturally more of a prey/defensive creature than a predator. However Sonic has a handful of attacks that don’t require potentially illegal supplements to perform. Like every character from the 2D platformer era, he can jump on foes to beat them. However Sonic can also roll himself into a ball to take out foes with a spin dash, which means he can attack from all angles.

    The biggest advantage Sonic would have over his foes is obviously the speed advantage. His speed varies depending on the source, but typically the agreement is that he can move faster than the speed of sound, and for anyone wondering that is 767 MPH, for reference, the average person can go 10-15 MPH when running. So there is no real way you could hit him when he moves 50 times faster than you.

    Based on this you would think it impossible to beat him, however he has been hit by plenty of things slower than him so it is far from impossible. On top of this, Sonics health is tied to the number of rings that he has at that moment, when any hit is taken, Sonic drops all rings in his possession, he can pick them back up before they go but after a while they just disappear. Based on the lack of stray rings I see in day to day life, he won’t have much of a defence. So h may be a bit of a glass cannon as a wrestler (high damage, low defence)

    As far as promos and such go, he is definitely more of a talker than Mario, but not by much. He talks often, but usually it’s a conversation, whereas promos tend to be a bit more of a speech. So while good, I doubt he would ever be known for it. Furthermore, while there is an undoubtable charisma to Sonic, it has fallen since the turn of the millennium. He is no longer a big star of the gaming world and I am doubtful he would really draw quite as well these days

    Wrestling ability: 6/10
    Promo ability: 4/10
    Look: 2/10
    Charisma/It Factor: 6/10

    Final Score 4.5/10

    Scoring slightly better than Mario, Sonic also falls short of the halfway mark that I am going to arbitrarily say is the threshold for becoming a wrestler. With two of gamings most recognisable mascots down, who will be next on the list? Let’s take a look shall we.

    Okay so we are onto proper humans now, and we kick things off with gamings most recognisable woman. Lara Croft, AKA Tomb Raider has been a series around since the mid 90s, and has been one of the few video games to cross over into the world of films. Since the series inception there have been 16 or so games released. The series is currently on it’s second reboot and released the third game in that series, I’m a bit behind, still haven’t started the second one yet, though the first was genuinely a very good game so I have high hopes.

    So there are three version of the Lara to look at, the 1996 version who is a talented treasure hunter, the 2006 version who is a renowned explorer, and the 2013 version who is an archaeology graduate that gets stranded on an island and is more or less tortured for the first 20 minutes of the game. Since I have the best knowledge towards the 2013 version, that will be my focus, though I will try and offer a balance between the three, aiming for stuff that is consistent among the three.

    So as always we’ll start with her wrestling ability and that is actually gonna be no problem. Lara is an incredibly athletic person, she could easily be a female Ricochet with the number of flips and cartwheels she can do. On top of that she is has a good martial arts talent and is deceptively strong, frequently able to beat guys that are twice her size. Overall she makes Ronda Rousey look like Lana, and if that doesn’t put her in a good position for wrestling, then nothing will.

    I’d be worried if she ever found herself in a no DQ situation, not for her though. Lara is really dangerous with weapons, even if it’s not a gun. Her melee weapon of choice is a climbing axe, that spends about the same amount of time being used for climbing a wall as it does being embedded into someone skull. While you can say “it’s wrestling, no one uses sharp objects” and that is true, would you really be okay with being across from someone that, is not just able to but is okay with splitting skulls open. I would stay well the fuck away.

    To make things worse for her opponents, she is insanely resilient. At the start of the 2013 version, she is impaled on a rusty metal bar right near the kidney and her reaction is to rip it out, and then she proceeds to escape a collapsing cave. I think if I got stabbed all the way through anywhere on my body, I would probably give up there and accept the end. Maybe that’s just me, but if being stabbed isn’t keeping her down for long, what the fuck is a suplex gonna do.

    So as far as wrestling ability goes, she is pretty much set (quite possibly too powerful), how about in the other categories. As for the promo/talking, she does fine, I wouldn’t put her on the sort of top level of talkers, but she can convey emotion and that is a good start. While I wouldn’t put her down anywhere near as charismatic as Mario or Sonic, she does have an upper class English accent which American audiences seem to love, so a bonus point for that.

    I’m not going to go into the discussion on look much because discussing the look of women is not exactly an appropriate topic for a civilized wrestling forum. But I think Lara should have no problems whichever version of her is used, she’ll be fine. Though maybe a bit bland, she doesn’t have a lot that makes her stand out. But overall she definitely could pass as a professional wrestler.

    Wrestling ability: 10/10
    Promo ability: 8/10
    Look: 8/10
    Charisma/It Factor: 7/10

    Final Score: 8/10

    So it’s settled, if she ever gets bored of adventuring, Lara Croft would make a great professional wrestler. I fear for the women’s division if she does. But that is an issue for them. As for us, we have one last potential superstar to check out.

    For those of you not in the gaming bubble, these are Steve and Alex, they are the default male and female characters for Minecraft. Minecraft is a sandbox game, basically the idea is to survive and build stuff. An incredibly simple game, but a lot of fun too. And it is incredibly popular too, it is currently the best selling game of all time having sold 176 million copies, beating the legendary Tetris by six million copies. So simply put, this is a modern classic of gaming, enjoyable for people of all ages.

    As for character, they are completely blank slates; the Steve and Alex are just the defaults, so really I’ll be looking more at Minecraft characters in general. When playing you can use a̶n̶y̶ ̶s̶k̶i̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶ any skin Microsoft is willing to sell you. Going with this, the characters are completely mute, unless you count text to voice software that the game has, in which case the Minecraft characters have the promo ability of your average Twitter profile … so let’s just chalk this one as a 0/10 and move on.

    As far as wrestling ability goes, while there definitely isn’t anything there as far as grappling goes, there is a chance as a brawler; I imagine the punches from the character would hurt a lot. Mostly because they are strong enough to hold a metre by metre cube of stone in their hand, a quick research say that would weigh 2400kg. While I am not sure if that is right, even if that is actually meant to be lbs instead, that is still insane levels of strength.

    Aside from this, I am curious how the health situation would work, with the others you have fairly standard health styles, with Minecraft you just gradually regain health when your character has eaten and is full. Now I don’t know about you, but if I eat a meal at around six PM or so, I’m full until the next morning, save for maybe a biscuit or something. So theoretically he would constantly be regenerating health throughout the match, that would be real interesting to see. Would anyone actually be able to stop him.

    Theoretically yes, while he may be constantly regenerating health, he does only have 20 hits in him. 20 punches and he is done, so long as he doesn’t regen. So while not likely to do much, the endurance is off the charts, a Royal Rumble run would be astounding, take a few hits and go down, then a minute later springing off the ropes like nothing happened. So there is definitely something there if they can learn to actually wrestle.

    As for the look, well like I mentioned, the character is completely customisable, so they could manage any sort of look to them. However a stat that does remain a constant across almost all skins, they are always 1.8 metres tall (Or 5 foot 9 if you prefer it in actual height). This goes for both male and female, so the female side is a bit bigger than average while the guy is a bit smaller than average.

    I honestly don’t know how to describe the charisma here, the game is wildly popular and the Steve skin is very recognisable once you know it. However I don’t know that the character has any innate charisma to him/her. There is definitely a fearlessness and adventuring spirit in the character, otherwise they wouldn’t do anywhere near the amount of stuff they do in game. This one is genuinely hard because it is, like I said earlier, a blank slate to work from. So truly the characters can develop in any way you can conceive of them developing, so there is definitely something there that I just can’t put my finger on. I have never thought this before but damn I wish Minecraft had cutscenes in to see if there is any character there.

    Wrestling ability: 6/10
    Promo ability: 0/10
    Look: 7/10 (+1 if female)
    Charisma/It Factor: 5 or 6/10

    Final Score: Between 4.5 and 5/10

    I dunno whether to say if this if this is a pass or a fail. There is merit for both arguments, and I can’t really think which way to go here, I mean they are at least better than Mario and Sonic for scores. I’m gonna go ahead and say yes but only on a developmental level, Steve and Alex aren’t ready for the bright lights of the WWE just yet.

    And that is game over for now. Mario couldn’t get passed the drug test, Sonic found himself lacking and probably ended up wrestling in a bingo hall, Steve and Alex are in development while Lara Croft is on her way to a women’s championship, making her the winner of today’s column. Are there winners in this, well it’s video game based so of course there has to be a winner. And on that note it is time I bid you all a fond farewell, I’ll be back Saturday with predictions for Hell in a Cell, but until then I hope you have enjoyed today’s column and I will see you next time.
    Creating the greatest card in Survivor Series history.
    Booking by Committee: Survivor Series

  2. #2
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
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    May 2018
    I really like this idea although I think Sonic would do much better as a high flyer, he is also bright blue so he would be totally down with the kids. Like John Cena crossed with Rey Mysterio but brighter and faster.

    You are bang on that Lara Croft would be an absolute star, she is athletic and charismatic, I'm surprised Vince hasn't tried to give someone her gimmick already (could be because I doubt he has ever played a video game in his life).

    If you're gona continue this then I'd love to see any of the following:
    Duke Nukem
    Tommy Vercetti
    Ezio Alditori
    Comander Sheppard

    Please and thank you.

  3. #3
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    May 2018
    I didn't expect to have a clue what you were talking about, but I'd actually heard of the first three and even though I hadn't heard of those last two characters, I had heard of Minecraft (although not a clue what the game is about).

    I haven't heard of any of the ones SirSam suggested.

    Good luck with your quest for a COTM, but remember that quality is more important than quantity.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2018
    Santino Marella as Mario FTW. That's like the perfect comparison. Maybe WWE could market the mushrooms as a vegetable (It's actually a type of fungus) and have Marios gimmick be that he eats mushrooms throughout the match to powerup which sends a message to the kids to eat their veggies.

    Sonic is a jobber haha. Although, I'm sure he'll get the obligatory legend pop when he comes out.

    Totally agree that Lara Croft has the potential to be at the top of any Womens Division and with her supreme athleticism she would certainly be over with live crowds.

    This was really fun Zak. I loved this.

  5. #5
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I could definitely get into Lara Croft vs. Asuka.

    I don't remember the first one of these but I like the idea, very fun!

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