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  1. #1
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    Sorry! It's TheLAW: The One with the Asphyxia

    Welcome back to My...NOPE, that shit's out now! It's high time for a change around these parts. I have been reading around for the last few weeks, trying to find a way to bring something new to the hallowed halls of wrester writing-dom, and what I have found is that there is way too much happiness going on here! Amongst all of the predictions and reviews, all of the Wednesday Night War talk, and all of the excitement the bombastic awesomeness that is Seth Rollins and his stellar career, there simply isn't enough hate, anger, and discontent in this house!

    Well, my friends, that shit stops now! No longer will we naysayers and malcontents be kept down in the shadows by our bright-eyed and bushy-tailed oppressors! It's time to head deep into the complaint department and start lighting shit on fire! No more glad-handing or pussyfooting around the real issues that plague this pseudo sport we all know and secretly despise. We will rise and fight against the lame, the stupid, the unadulterated bullshit that is modern professional wrestling! This is your new unsafe space, sugar tits, so put on your fucking helmet and come along for the best ride since Mary Jane Rotten Crotch popped your pretty pink cherry!

    Now let me see, who's first up on the fuck you list this week? If you're gonna "snatch wigs" as the kids these days say, why not start with the broad who seems to never run out of them in the same way she never runs out of fresh dick to hop on, Lana. How in the fuck could you ever sign off on a storyline that would present your husband as a limp dick loser? What the fuck happened to stand by your man, you trash bag ho? Not to mention the fact that this is not the first, but the second time you have cheated on your husband on live TV! Worst of all, the supposed super athlete (Who's in shape for the first time in his fucking career) signed off on it too? Are you people so desperate for the Mac Daddy money that you would sell yourselves out as a whore and a cuck on a god damned kids show?! What the sweet chocolate christ is the matter with you two? Are you so lacking in an actual skill that the only way you can remain relevant that you would take a story from Mike Bennett and Maria of all people? Not only have you taken the story, RooRoo, but you started as a crossover character who was supposedly the new Kanellis Baby Daddy! Welcome to the WWE, where EVERYBODY fuckin!

    Speaking of Mike and Maria Who-Gives-a-Fuck, it appears that Mikey doesn't like it anymore and has asked for his release from the company. Well, if that just doesn't make all of the rumors true, you henpecked little bitch!! Got the job because of your wife, CHECK! Made sure to plan your two pregnancies around contract signings, CHECK!! Complain about your spot on the card right before the last kid is born and sit out the rest of your five-year contract doing nothing, CHECKADOODLEDO!!!

    Couples like these are why we're not allowed to have nice things. Post this rant, I am now convinced that the four of you are in some small way responsible for my divorce. So, fuck you for that too! I can't wait to not watch next week so that I can read about how Rusev is now slamming Becky in a bid for yet another title match that he'll lose because he's Rusev and "That's What He Do!"

    New LAW: Stop shitting where you fucking eat! The world has enough relation-shit problems and WWE can't write for shit, so keep them out of my fucking show.

    Let's talk about Wednesday nights, shall we? For months now, maybe even a full year, we have heard about how AEW is coming and they're going to tear WWE apart from the inside out. It's going to be a new Monday Night War, but it'll be on Wednesdays with the WWE C-Show in direct competition for a Wednesday Night Tickle Fight! Give me a fucking break! You have billions of dollars and a hype machine that hasn't existed since fucking Goldberg and you can barely pop over a million viewers two weeks running? Oh, but don't worry, I'll be over the fucking moon now that I know that you have TAZ-Been as your guest commentator for the YouTube show this week! Can't wait to watch that on fucking mute!

    It's called AEW Dark, Guys! They called it that because it's their dark matches that they actually recorded but they are going to use industry language because they're so fucking edgy and different. Suck my pasty nuts you WCW wannabes! You want, so badly, to be a company that failed miserably back in 2001 that you even hired back Tony Fucking Schiavone who was miserable on commentary back then! Speaking of bad, how's that bright idea to pull J.R. back out from the graveyard? Seriously, NOONE realized that he was only at his best with a script in front of him? Now he's in a 3-man booth with Tony Shows-No-Charisma and some dipshit in a Lucha Mask. Whoooo! Good play boys! AEW! Where all the guys under 6'5" except for the fucking dinosaur play with themselves!

    For those of you that think I'm Stanning WWE right now, blow yourselves. NXT sucked eggs too. They put out their biggest possible fucking shows and had a two-week advantage. "NXT is their best brand!" "Give Triple-H control of RAW and SmackDown!"

    800 Thousand = Limp Dicks

    New LAW: Don't talk shit a year out from your actual debut and then expect me to give a fuck about your Impact weak-ass ratings. There's another thought that I had here about a man wrestling for your Women's title, but PC PC PC and hey, Harvey Whippleman did it once.

    Hey, do you guys remember when WWE signed Ronda Rousey with zero wrestling acting ability and pushed her to their biggest match on the biggest card of the fucking year? Do you also remember how she never learned how to cut a fucking promo and looked like she was going to cripple every woman she was in the ring with? Do you also remember that awesome time when she went all over YouTube and shit all over professional wrestling?

    Well, guess what? They're doing it all over again, only this time, it's with a guy who hasn't been relevant in MMA in almost a decade and has two wrestling matches under his belt! Is it sad that Cain Velasquez has MORE wrestling experience than Ronda did? Oh, and they're putting him in the ring with the guy who wrestles 3 times a year, just won the world title in two seconds because "hahaha racism is funny!", and has zero ability to pull a good match out of non-wrestlers. The best part of this fuckfest is that they're going to put the match on at Blood Money in the Bank because I guess money is everything and fuck all those people dying because of religious hatred!

    The most important thing for us all to remember here is that pro wrestlign is fake, and MMA is real. DID YOU HERE US YET?? PRO WRESTLING IS FAKE! DID YOU KNOW THAT?! NEVERMIND THE FUCKING FACT THAT THESE TWO ARE GOING TO HAVE A WRESTLING MATCH AND WE'VE SPENT THE LAST TWO YEARS TRYING TO BRING IN MMA FANS BY LETTING EVERYONE KNOW THAT PRO WRESTLING IS FAKE. PLEASE PAY TO SEE THIS FAKE PRO WRESTLING MATCH BETWEEN TWO REAL FIGHTERS!!!

    Fuck you!

    New LAW: The only god that should be involved in wrestling is Mr. McMahon's Tag Team Partner! Also, Fuck MMA! This is pro god damned wrestling, you stupid Sons of Stephanies!

    I want my good, old fahsioned, pro fucking wrestling back, goddamnit! I want to see Chris Benoit rip Triple-H's nose off again so that maybe he won't eventually stick it nostril deep in Vince's ass in 2017. I want Cody Rhodes to realize that his daddy was a shit booker and that WCW is not a goal to aspire to! I want MMA out if pro wrestling. I want Alexa Bliss to sit on my face until I asphyxiate while new, Hot Bayley slobbers my knocker! These are just a few of the things that I want right now. Tune in next week for more ramblings of a disjointed, pissed off, and possibly intoxicated wrestling fan!

    Sorry! It's TheLAW
    Last edited by TheLAW; 4 Weeks Ago at 02:08 AM.

  2. #2
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    Kind of already commented on this in your last column....

    I've no idea who this new MMA guy is, but if they expect us to believe he can take the fight to Lesnar they need to make him keep his shirt on. He looks like a fat bloke I could beat up.
    FACT or FICTION: The Battle for Authority
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  3. #3
    The Brain
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    You promised a rant, that was a fucking rant! As a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed oppressor I can only say so much here, but I can certainly appreciate the gusto with which you approach the topics, and how nobody is above being equally targeted!

  4. #4
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    @Dyno: Yeah, I feel bad for calling him a fatass because I'm a fatass. But you're right. Dude is not larger than life. He's just flabby.

    @Mizzie: I like to keep my promises!


    Who's got gripes they'd like me to tear into for nexr weeks edition?

    Any and all Ideas welcome!

  5. #5
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheLAW View Post
    Who's got gripes they'd like me to tear into for nexr weeks edition?
    Read most of my columns for the answer to that one!
    FACT or FICTION: The Battle for Authority
    PM me to get involved.

  6. #6
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    Dude, how right you are about Rusev and Lana. They have no self-respect. Whoring their relationship out on live tv, for the second time? I geuss money means more to them than their pride. Unless Rusev is into watching other guys kissing/fuckinng his wife? That shit is messed up. All I know is that I will never take Rusev seriously again. Rusev should make like Mike and ask for his release.

    I think with AEW everybody is just excited at the thought of some form of competition for WWE. Although, this is an extremely watered down version of the "Monday Night Wars". It's still early days and anything is possible but they need better numbers to start truly competing.

    Fuck Brock. Fuck Cain. Fuck MMA in a pro wrestling context.

    I loved this. Looking forward to reading more rants.

  7. #7
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    I am almost finished with Rant number 2! Who's excited?

    Don't be. We have already established that the things you like actually suck. lol


    I did want to come back and do a final F2F for this first one.

    Don made a phenomenal point that I think could require further discussion down the line.

    "I will never take Rusev seriously again."

    How fucking true and sad is that for a lot of us. Another day, another wife destroying any potential that her husband has. The Circle of Life!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by TheLAW; 3 Weeks Ago at 07:43 PM.

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