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  1. #1
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018

    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: Let's Get Ready To Rumble! (Dec '91)

    Greetings, mizfan fans! And welcome back to what will hopefully be a less gigantic edition of the Life & Times of Bobby Heenan. The Brain keeps finding ways to stay busy despite being mostly relegated to the commentary booth, and with his latest client Flair hot in the mix with all the top names in the WWF, Iím sure thereíll be plenty to talk about. Itís almost the end of the wild ride that was 1991, so letís get right to it!

    WWF, December Ď91
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    Jack Tunney Finally Pays Attention

    BH: Hulkamaniaís gonna be buried tonight, and what a lousy place to be buried. Texas!
    Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Hulk Hogan, WWF Championship 12/3/91 WWF Tuesday in Texas

    We jump right into the action with a continuation of the WWF Championship saga between Hogan, Flair, and Undertaker! After Taker shockingly took the belt from Hogan at Survivor Series under controversial circumstances, a quick rematch was scheduled on this experimental Tuesday PPV. Things start off hot as Taker and Bearer both attack Hogan as he gets in the ring! Hogan throws them both off, but Taker keeps coming! Similar match to Survivor Series overall, maybe slightly better as it feels more heated. Flair comes down as Hogan is hulking up!

    GM: Who did Ric Flair beat to get that ďrealĒ world title belt?

    BH: Everybody.

    GM: You donít know, do you?
    WWF President Jack Tunney, who decided to review the match personally from ringside to avoid further controversy, confronts Flair before he can interfere with the match! Hogan clobbers Flair in the back with a chair, sending Flair crashing into Tunney. Flair recovers but he accidentally hits Taker with a chair instead of Hogan. Hogan gets the urn and throws ashes in Takerís face, but Flair forces Tunney to get up just as Hogan is cheating. Where was Flair to expose Hoganís cheating for all these years? Hogan gets the 1-2-3, but the situation ends up in more chaos than ever.

    Awesomeness Rating: **

    In the aftermath of the event, Jack Tunney declares he saw a blatant disregard of the rules at Tuesday in Texas. More proof that the WWF President skipped most of Hoganís matches over the year! Tunney vacates the title and puts it up for grabs in the Rumble.

    BH: Ric Flair might eliminate all 29 other men himself!

    GM: Does he walk on water too?

    BH: About 2 Ĺ feet above it, actually.
    Tunney also declares Hogan and Undertaker will be entered in the final 10 as compensation for losing the title controversially.

    BH: Would you enter the Rumble if you were still competing?

    GM: Absolutely.

    BH: I wouldnít. What good is the title if your legs are broke?

    GM: That could happen to you in the locker room!

    BH: Thatís why I donít go back there much.
    Hogan doesnít feel very compensated, and says that Tunney stripping him is the same as leaving the children of Hulkamania without food!!! No wonder people booed this asshole at the Rumble.

    BH: Ric Flair wants that WWF title so he canÖ

    GM: Shove it down everyoneís throat?

    BH: Or up their nose, whatever you prefer.
    Flair continues to parade his blurred out world title around, and various wrestlers look to stake their claim for the top title in the business.

    GM: More video distortion on Flairís supposed world title!

    BH: They should put that in front of Mike McGuirkís face.
    The storyline settles down for the rest of December as we draw closer to that famous Rumble, as Heenan, Flair, and their executive consultant Mr Perfect promise a win for the REAL worldís champion, the Nature Boy.

    GM: What exactly is it supposed to mean that Perfect is the ďexecutive consultantĒ?

    BH: If you had a corporate mind, youíd know what we were talking about.

    GM: Stooge is what comes to mind!
    I can hardly wait for next month!

    BH: Me, Flair, and Perfect, weíre not here to make friends, weíre here to make money.

    GM You havenít made any friends!

    BH: Good.

    GM: You havenít made any money either!

    Prime Time Shenanigans

    VM: By the way, whatís your new yearís resolution going to be?

    BH: Iím gonna be a little more outgoing this year, Iím not gonna hold back, Iím gonna talk more about the real worldís champion, Ric Flair. Iím really gonna get out of my shell and let it happen.
    Prime Timeís final form continues to evolve as they move into what looks like a board room of some sort, and the babyface side of the table starts to rotate more quickly. Slick even comes on as a good guy, now a ďreverendĒ to reflect his real life conversion to Christianity. While Iím thrilled he found personal fulfillment in religion, I dearly miss his classic heel character. Heenan and Perfect mock him by humming hymns whenever he tries to talk.

    BH: Ah, my neck!

    VM: Did you hurt yourself?

    BH: Yeah!

    VM: You never had a neck problem.

    BH: I always had a neck problem.

    VM: Youíre a pain in my neck problem.
    Thereís also a clip from earlier in the year, but not exactly sure where so Iím just sticking it here since the month is a little light. One of the Rosati sisters comes into Prime Time to dance with Slick and then with Heenan. You gotta love the Rosati sisters!

    The inspiration for ďSo You Think You Can DanceĒ

    Tis The Season

    Just a brief gag but one that cracked me up. On the Christmas week episode of Wrestling Challenge, Monsoon gives Heenan a big present at the start of the show. Heenan is pleased, until he realizes itís ticking and runs off!! He later returns and scolds Monsoon for giving him a giant alarm clock.

    They should have had their own sitcom

    BH: I canít believe you would trick me with a gift at Christmas time, my favorite time of year. The time of year people give me things.

    Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

    Poisoned Love

    December of í91 isnít terribly active for the WWF, but thereís one storyline that is absolutely on fire, and thatís the conflict between Jake Roberts and the newly reinstated Macho Man!

    Randy Savage vs. Jake Roberts 12/3/91 WWF Tuesday in Texas

    Jake cuts an awesome pre-match promo about how he enjoyed Elizabethís fear. He says anything he does is the fault of Jack Tunney, who allowed this to happen. Savage is cutting an intense promo backstage but he hears Jakeís entrance music start up, he charges right out and attacks him in the aisle!! I love it, heís wild!! Jake takes the advantage by going after Savageís arm, the same arm which was famously bitten by a cobra very recently. Itís very strong psychology and the crowd is hot for it. Savage counters the DDT and Jake goes down, and Savage hits the Savage Elbow for a rather sudden win. Pretty good match but feels like they had something twice as long and layered in them.

    Awesomeness Rating: ***ĺ

    Savage tries to attack Jake more after the match, but Jake puts him down with a DDT. Jake gets a bag from under the ring but Liz comes out and covers Savage, and tells Jake to leave. Jake grabs Savage and DDTs him again while taunting Liz. Jake threatens to bring out the snake while saying ďdo you love him, Elizabeth?Ē Iíve got chills watching this. He demands Liz beg him to spare Savage. He says Savage is nothing. This feels so dangerous. Jake grabs Liz by the hair!!! He even smacks her once!!! Monsoon screams that he should be suspended for life. Jack Tunney appears and orders Jake out of the ring. Jake reveals thereís nothing in the bag after all, and that he kept his promise not to bring a snake to the ring! He does finally head to the back and leaves pure carnage behind him. What an amazing segment.

    Jake goes backstage and tells Okerlund nobody wants a woman who grovels, only one who stands up for her man and herself. He says he slapped her but heíll slap himself, Okerlund, and anybody. But he says it did feel good, so good heíd pay to do it again. Jake tells Savage if they meet again, he should bring Liz so he can touch her again. He comes off really sick here, and itís great.

    Savage cuts an amazing promo of his own later on where he is furious almost beyond words but also filled with regret, saying it was his fault Liz was in harmís way. He literally falls to the ground in pain, fury, and anguish. This should have gone to ĎMania. Mooney looks genuinely terrified to interview Savage and I donít blame him one bit. This may never get the payoff it deserves, but Iíll get the most out of it I possibly can!

    Miscellaneous Quotes

    GM: What is that Skinner has?

    BH: I believe itís the left parathesis of an alligator.

    GM: Will you be serious??

    BH: Ok, you got me, itís the right one.
    GM: The Warlordís got his hands caught in the hair of the Bulldog!

    BH: Well if he didnít have hair like Whoopi Goldberg, heíd be in better shape!
    BH: You know, RepoMan repoíd the Lone Rangerís mask. He owed Tonto 50 bucks.

    GM: Iím just gonna ignore you.
    BH: The Matadorís newest move, El Tito de Blobbo!

    GM: Itís El Paso de Muerte.

    BH: Thatís what I said!
    GM: IRS says plenty of nasty things about Bossman, all of which he denies!

    BH: Whatís he gonna say, Monsoon? Iím crooked? Iím on the take?

    GM: That could describe you, you know.

    BH: Iím not on the takeÖ but if you want to send something my way-

    GM: Didnít I see you in the locker room, rifling through other peopleís bags?

    BH: I was looking for my pencil, Iím a journalist!
    GM: Are you talking to yourself?

    BH: You have that effect on me.

    GM: Itís when you start answering yourself that youíre in trouble!

    BH: I always answer myself, that way I know what the answer is.
    GM: I still donít know what the Repo Man is doing with a rope.

    BH: Itís his rope. He likes it.
    GM: I hope all your payments are up to date.

    BH: My car is paid off!

    GM: You donít have a car, you just mooch rides off other people.

    BH: Hey, when you saw me on the side of the highway with that luggage, itís just that my rental car broke down, I wasnít mooching!
    GM: Thereís actually 12 children in the Hart family.

    BH: Thatís not a family, thatís a herd!
    GM: Jameson in the crowd, the biggest fan of the Bushwhackers.

    BH: Thatís a perfect trio.

    GM: Nobody likes a wise guy, Brain.

    BH: And nobody likes a dirtball like Jameson.
    GM: Undertaker looking at Jameson!

    BH: I wouldnít put him in a bodybag. Maybe one of those big green hefty bags.
    BH: I heard Bossman is too afraid to even enter the Rumble!

    GM: Iím gonna tell him you said that.

    BH: Wait, donít tell him that I said that!

    GM: Iíll tell him you said something about his mother too.

    BH: A lovely woman! I never said anything!
    GM: Does Sherri think that looks good, all that junk on her face?

    BH: Thatís called ďstyleĒ.
    GM: Whatís Jameson eating?

    BH: Probably something he found under the seat.

    GM: No! It looked like a cheese stick.

    BH: I guarantee you, he doesnít know what it is.
    BH: I bet Jim Neidhart wants a new kneecap for Christmas.

    GM: And I bet the Genius wants a brain.

    BH: Too bad, Iím busy.
    BH: Itís actually tough if you have a tag team partner in the Rumble. Imagine if you and I were partners-

    GM: I would NEVER have you as a tag team partner.

    BH: Great, Iíll take the title then, see you later!
    And that concludes December! A rather tame month by comparison to some, after things blew up at Tuesday in Texas with the two biggest storylines, the company is just letting things simmer as we ramp up to the Royal Rumble. I really canít wait to get there! Join me next time for what may well be Bobby ďthe BrainĒ Heenanís finest hour!

    Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Bobby was such a legend at on the spot humour. His split second quips are legendary. The more of these I read, the more I remember him making me laugh through the years, the more I think he would be an amazing guy to have a few drinks with. Just hilarious naturally.

    You a d your Hogan hate! . I get it. He was ego centric. He kind of had to be really though.

    Always love these, Mizzington.

  3. #3
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I'm much less of a Hogan hater than I used to be!! Though I do think his babyface run peaked in the 80s and by this time was he was phoning it in to some degree.

    But hell yeah, Heenan seems like he'd be great to hang out with. Imagine going to dinner with Heenan, Monsoon, and Okerlund!

    Thanks for the read Kleck, this stuff seems like it should be right up your childhood alley so I'm glad you enjoyed!

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    To this day I don't understand the point of having Undertaker win the title to lose it seven days later. Taker could have just lost in the same way he did at Tuesday in Texas and the same outcome would have been achieved with the title being vacated. So many questions. Why didn't they have Hogan hold the belt until Wrestlemania so Flair could beat him for it then if the plan was for Flair to win the title? Did the fans still see Taker as his initial presentation or did that perception lessen because he lost the title so quickly? I don't know man, but this was a very curious development.

    Woah, that Savage/Roberts stuff seemed really intense! Smaccking a female?! I would have never thought that would happen. You mentioned this match never got the payoff it deserved, how so? Jake just comes accross as sick and twisted here, which always makes for great character work.

    Favourite Lines:

    GM: Are you talking to yourself?

    BH: You have that effect on me.

    GM: It’s when you start answering yourself that you’re in trouble!

    BH: I always answer myself, that way I know what the answer is.

    BH: I bet Jim Neidhart wants a new kneecap for Christmas.

    GM: And I bet the Genius wants a brain.

    BH: Too bad, I’m busy.

    Another awesome entry, Mizzie.

  5. #5
    Beautiful Fandom Mystic's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Quote Originally Posted by mizfan View Post
    I'm much less of a Hogan hater than I used to be!! Though I do think his babyface run peaked in the 80s and by this time was he was phoning it in to some degree.
    I respect your saying this. If WWF: TLS did anything for me, it woke me up fully to the force that was Hulk Hogan, was with Hulk Hogan, in the 80s. I imagine it's a small adjustment going from such a force with you in everything you do to thinking, I can just force this along continually.

    Tuesday in Texas, and WWF 91/92 is about my favorite thing that ever existed. It's all the colors, but I think it's also that nice line where WWF 80s/90s were overlapping each other.

    Great work as always, mizfan. Reading those Heenan/Monsoon lines feels like improv where each person's goal is to take the story, whatever it may be, and add to it by a single line.

  6. #6
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I live for the miscellaneous quotes at the end of these columns. I wonder if there's ever gonna be a commentator that has the skills of Bobby again. He was unnaturally hilarious! I think the only person who has even attempted to work this way is King, and he's awfull at it.

    Do you think no one does it because they can't pull it off, or is it something that the bosses don't want anymore?

  7. #7
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Donnie! Thanks for coming by. I think one reason WWF went such a screwy route with Taker's win is they wanted Flair to be champ but they didn't want him to beat Hogan, so they had to figure out a circuitous route to get the belt off Hogan and onto Flair, with the original plan of Hogan beating Flair to regain the title at Wrestlemania. As for why they picked Taker, I think in part he was just a pretty fresh monster in the right place at the right time. But I wouldn't be surprised if they also saw some potential in the guy and figured it might give him a little boost, and I think it did to a certain extent. Remember, almost nobody got to champion in those days, so even a short reign actually elevated Undertaker a bit, particularly because Hogan didn't beat him cleanly in the rematch.

    Keep reading for more on the Savage/Jake situation, but believe me it's red hot stuff, as hot as they come. Thanks for the read and I love those lines you picked out!

    Shane! Putting a close eye on Hogan's 80s run was a true shocker for me originally. I'll never forget how, even before he came to the WWF, he had AWA screaming so hard the cameras would shake uncontrollably as the sounds of Eye of the Tiger blasted across the arena. Hogan brought all that energy to the WWF and forged a genuine legacy. I think you're spot on, as ever, that once Hogan recognized his own success, it was hard ever after for him to imagine he could fail. This is indeed a golden bridge between the best of the 80s and the early 90s. Appreciate the read and feed very much, sir!

    Lawman! If there's a commentator out there as good as Heenan, I've surely never heard them. I remember when people were claiming Corey Graves had potential to be the modern Heenan, but more often than not he rubs me the wrong way. I think it's possible we could get another Heenan if someone damn witty gets the full backing of their boss, but I'm not going to hold my breath for it. The state of modern commentary is pretty poor, with few exceptions. I think there will only ever be one like Bobby Heenan. Come back soon (I hope) for more excellent Heenan quotes!

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