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  1. #1
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    Sorry! It's TheLAW: The One That Took Five Years

    Holy Santa Clause Shit, you guys! It fucking happened! I can't believe it happened! Right when it looked like WWE Backstage was going to go off the air, Renee started acting all weird. Then she counted down from three, and THAT music hit! Out he came after 5 long years! CM PUNK IS BACK MUDDA FUKKAS!!!!!!!

    I am so fucking excited! I know my new thing is to be the curmudgeonly one around here, but I just can't do it tonight. The show literally just ended and I had to start writing immediately. I haven't popped like this since the debut of Firefly Fun House earlier this year. 2019, got damn I tell you I am ready for this! There's so much to talk about. What is this going to mean for Survivor Series? It's in fucking Chicago! He has to go he HAS TO. What if he brings AJ with Him!?!?! This is going to be big, guys! Bigger than WrestleMania, bigger than Saudi Arabia, bigger than Shane McMahon cuz the Best in the World is finally home... on FS1, for millions of dollars, because he's a goddamn lying twat-waffle!

    All the bitching and all the fucking whining and all the shit that he talked about the doctors and Vince and Triple H. What happened, Phil, did your balls drop off? Did those two absolute shit kickings in front of millions of people make you miss your safe space? You fucking liar. It's all about the fucking money once again! I sincerely hope that WWE neuters you on live TV and shows the world that in spite of all your tough talk, you're still Mac Daddy's bitch.

    Three weeks ago... THREE FUCKING WEEKS AGO you were being your typical keyboard warrior self saying that WWE would have to start the conversation at 20 Million to get you back. Did they do it? I know they paid the dip shit boxer 15 Mil for one night, so tell me, Punkass, did they open up their wallets and suck your straight edge peepee? They did, didn't they? The company that has literally fucked up every big star since you and definitely didn't change since then paid you the fuck off. I was mad when you bitched out and left the company after lying and saying that you were wanting to change things there. Now I just realize that was a sound byte to get Twitter talking. There's not one thing that's real about you is there, Chick Magnet?

    Let's not forget that we all know the real reason that you're back. Outside of not being remotely close to a mixed martial artist, you also have a lot of legal bills lately, don't you? You wanna know who else does? Colt Fucking Cabana you fuck face! Ok, I'm done talking to you now and I'm going to talk to the real people in the room. Punk Bitch!

    By the way, folks, guess where Moxley, Cody, and Jericho will be in five years? They'll still be in AEW because integrity is a thing and I'm going to take them at their word until they prove me wrong! I wish I could say I was shocked that yet another millionaire trades his word on the almighty dollar, but this is exactly why pro wrestling along with the rest of the world is so royally fucked right now. Everyone else might be stoked about this, but not me! I refuse to accept that this is anything other than a money grab for Punk until the WWE slaps him one for saying something they don't like (because: edgy) and they get FOX to show him the door once again. Then he'll go on Jericho's Podcast and spend another 3 hours trying to keep his name relevant for the next five years.

    Please do not support this fuck-bag coming back to WWE, and pray to whatever man in the sky you pay for that he doesn't wrestle again. Like Brock before him, he is going to take fat paydays to stay home for weeks on end and only show up when he feels like it. IT's all hype, my dudes. This is 100% not worth getting excited about and it will not lead anywhere good. Facts are facts. CM Punk is to retuning to pro wrestling, as Brock Lesnar and Ronda Rousey are to... well, pro wrestling.

    Total sidebar here, but how fucking annoying was Paige at that moment. Poor Samoa Joe and Adam Cole too. Once again, someone returns to steal the spotlight from the guys who have been holding it down every show. Seems oh so familiar... Oh, that's right he did that in UFC for those two fights he tanked in too, didn't he? This is not going to be over quickly, Folks, and I promise you we will not enjoy this.

    By all means, enjoy the goosebumps, embrace what will undoubtedly be one of the largest pops ever if he shows at Survivor Series, but please remember who we're dealing with. Also, remember who's dealing with him?


    NewLAW: Sometimes, ya just gotta sing this shit!

    Look in my eyes, what do you see?
    CM Punkass back on my TV.
    I'm feeling anger, I wish this was a dream.

    The Cunt Sellout Personality

    Like Triple H and Vince McMahon,
    All that money's back in Brooksy's Hands.
    Oh! Sellout back in Dub Dub Yeee!

    The Cunt Sellout Personality

    Lost two fights, then ran to hide
    When it comes to Cabana, lied fuckin twice!
    Only cool thing about him is AJ Lee

    I hope it burns when he pees!

    Cuz he's The Cunt Sellout Personality

    He sold his soul, to the man again.
    Lied to all of us and screwed his friends.
    He'll exploit you, steal your money.

    Just like he did in 2014.

    He's The Cunt Sellout Personality

    The Cunt Sellout Personality
    The Cunt Sellout Personality

    OH!

    He's a cunt oh
    He's a cunt oh
    He's a cunt oh
    Fuck CM Punk yo
    Sold out yo
    To WWE
    Cuz he's The Cunt Sellout Personality


    Sorry! It's TheLAW!
    Last edited by TheLAW; 11-13-2019 at 03:42 AM.

  2. #2
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    Money talks....

    Any hopes that he'll come back at Survivor Series are likely to be in vain though, he's supposedly signed up with Fox, not WWE. When it was being rumoured a few weeks ago though he did admit that any comeback, even just to the Backstage show, would inevitably have to result in him wrestling but I don't see it happening that quickly.


    By the way, folks, guess where Moxley, Cody, and Jericho will be in five years? They'll still be in AEW
    Cody kind of has to stick with them if they're still in business.
    Moxley? He'll go where the money is. When WWE offers him more, he'll be back. And yes, that's 'When', not 'If'.
    Jericho? He'll be retired by then. At best he'll have a part time deal with WWE performing at the Saudi shows.
    Last edited by DynamiteBillington; 11-13-2019 at 07:24 AM.

  3. #3
    The Brain
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    I'd be surprised but not completely shocked if Moxley headed back to WWE one day. He's been so open about how miserable he was there. Then again, look at the subject of today's column!

    Ah, it's been too long since somebody wrote a song in the CF, to say nothing of one laden with swears. I can't summon the same vitriol against the man using a loophole to get paid for an easy job without technically coming back to the company he had such problems with, but it's a pretty unsatisfying move to say the least. Ah well, we all know Punk is a dick and I won't waste too much time worrying about him. I'll admit, I would have been stoked if he did show up anywhere else though.

    My favorite rant so far, LAW!

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    You just beat him up nearly as bad as his two L's in UFC. Nearly as bad as Ultimate Beastmaster canning him after 1 season of announcing cause he was utterly terrible.


    Your best column to date for me. Dripping with rightful disdain. Punk is a sell out man baby.


  5. #5
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    Haha thanks for the feed boys! A Punk fan, I am not. I used to be, but he shredded all of his rights to respect over the last 5 years for me. This one flowed really easy and it was fun rewriting Cult of personality.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    I guess this goes to show that no matter who you are, everybody has a price. I will admit that I will be excited if Punk were to be on WWE TV again (as a wrestler), but the truth you spoke here is undeniable.

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