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  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018

    Freshly Squeezed: The Tale Of A Legend Or Something

    Orange Cassidy was born a baby (who knew?!?!). Some reports say he came out of the womb with Aviators and a denim jacket on, giving the half thumb for a largely unspectacular birthing process. Nobody knows who his parents are to this very day. Many speculate that they are people, but who knows? My guess is his dad is his mom- Bill Belichick can produce offspring asexually. But that's unofficial. He was born some year, weighing a good amount of pounds in a local hospital someplace. Truly an amazing time in human (or whatever) history.

    This is baby OC with some rando people that just found him hanging out in a parking lot. He didn't give a fuck about your favorite bands then either!

    Orange had a childhood. He did some stuff. Cooler stuff than you did. Easily. He grew. Got cooler, or something. He started wearing pants. He never went to school, cause well he's Orange fucking Cassidy. He likes juice, but sometimes he doesn't. Many people speculate on why his jeans are ripped, but that's because those people are Boomers. He decided to dominate the wrestling game early, but not too early one day, and the rest is, well… duh.

    This is a young Orange Cassidy not giving a shit about anyone, or anything. He's largely unimpressed.

    OC was a teenager for a while, but who cares? He did more stuff. Grew more. He said things sometimes. He modeled for a while, cause he's like perfect or something, but whatever. This was one of his pictures. Look at it, or not...

    He stopped modeling after he got sick of so many girls bothering him. He likes to do things, but not that many things. At that point, as Orange recalls, he got into stealing cars and drag racing them, using nitrous to boost his way to infamy with his rag tag pals. They became too infamous though, so they were heavily pursued by federal agents led by the Rock. It was pretty wild, fast, and furious times- but it didn't last long. And it left OC casually, calmly, and slowly trying to find his purpose.

    Orange knew he needed to do something, sometimes, so he decided to save some pro wrestling companies, because why not? He saved Chikara a few times. GBW on many occasions. Some other places too, but who cares, really?

    Everyone thinks OC is perfect, but sometimes his life isn't perfect. He has bad times too as I kind of described above, but not really. We won't get into those times. One of those times though, after seconds of soul searching, Orange Cassidy then decided to sign with AEW to save them. It worked. They've been successful ever since thanks entirely to him, or whatever. He's like a modern day savior or something. You could say he saved the entire professional wrestling industry, by making AEW viable, thus loosening WWE's monopoly on the industry, increasing a companies incentive to earn consumers, and making it a golden age for pro wrestling fans. You could also not say that, it really doesn't matter.

    Squares wonder why Orange doesn't care. They wonder why he doesn't even try to win matches, or try to get the AEW Championship, or any Championship in the company. They grow increasingly angry at him leaving his hands in his pockets all the time, in their eyes making a mockery of the illustrious sport that used to feature monkeys, farm hands, and slaves at traveling carnivals. Honestly though, who gives a shit? I mean, why should Orange try for a belt if he's gonna get paid to just hang out anyways? Sounds like a bad deal. Way more work. Fuck that! If you ask me doing stuff is way overrated. And lame. And boring.

    Many people agree that he's like a God or not, but who knows? All we do know is he doesn't give a single fuck about anything, ever. Until he does, then who knows beyond that. If he takes his hands out of his pockets it very well might signal the apocalypse, but I don't know. I'm somewhat sure it might be pretty damn cool though.

    Regardless of whatever you say or think about him, we all can agree that he is a trend setter. And everything he does is freshly squeezed. And he could very easily dominate this entire planet, if he cared to. He doesn't though.

    Anyways, shameless plugs aside, I'll leave you with this OC promotional video to the tune of "Jane" by Jefferson Starship. Watch it, don't watch it...whatever. It's a loop anyway…*shrugs*

    Last edited by Kleckamania; 11-22-2019 at 07:58 PM.

  2. #2
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Kleck, I had a blast with this, not to mention you're showing great range between this and your last column! I can understand why he could be the opposite of what some fans are looking for in wrestling, but I've had fun watching him for years and it makes me happy that others are enjoying him so much as well now. He gave even less of an eff in Chikara if you can believe it, and his GCW (not GBW!) stuff has been fun to watch as he evolves his character and shtick. Thought you hit the tone of this perfectly, really nice job Kleck.

  3. #3
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I love you, Kleck. This made me so happy! Or maybe it didn't. I don't care.

  4. #4
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I had no idea who or what he was before he turned up in AEW.

    To be honest, I still don't really. I can't imagine him actually wrestling a match without having to break character. Aside from him being a gimmick, I haven't yet seen what the point of him is.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    I think this encapsulates the Orange Cassidy gimmick. I only really started seeing him doing his thing in AEW and I really enjoy it. He even does flips and shit with his hands in his pockets! It would be interesting to see him wrestle and actual match though and see how wrestles with this gimmick as a limitation. One thing's for sure though; he's super over with the AEW crowd.

    Good stuff Kleck.

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