Creative Works

[mizfan]

Loaded with symbolism, really. Intriguing stuff.

Wrote another short play for my sister's students to perform. It's a bit cheesier than OTHGODS but I like it just the same.

Punchforce Five

CAPTAIN UPPERCUT The leader of Punchforce!

BROCK SLABJAW A member of Punchforce!!

SQUISH BONECRACKER A member of Punchforce!!!

BOOM McDYNAMITE A member of Punchforce!!!!!

KEVIN He’s a nice person.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: PUNCHFORCE means all but Kevin. For costuming, Kevin is dressed like a normal young man. The members of Punchforce can be dressed as normal kids, “cool” kids, or outlandish battle gear, director’s choice.

SETTING: Anywhere young men congregate.

AT RISE: KEVIN is alone onstage. He is holding a basketball.


(KEVIN looks up and carefully studies an unseen hoop, measuring his shot. He’s focused and meticulous. He’s taking his time. He thinks he can make the shot. He knows he can make the shot. He’s going to take the shot. Just as he takes the shot, CAPTAIN UPPERCUT enters at full speed and violently smashes the ball out of his hands! UPPERCUT starts doing an obnoxious dance! KEVIN is more taken aback than upset.)

UPPERCUT
Rejected!!! Ohhhhhh, in your face!!! Boys, get in here!

(PUNCHFORCE enters, whooping and hollering!)

BROCK SLABJAW
Captain! Did you just school this fool?

UPPERCUT
Right in his face!

SQUISH BONECRACKER
Ohhhh, look at him! What a loser!

BOOM McDYNAMITE
Dude, what is it even like to lose your whole life like that??

UPPERCUT
Oh yeah boys, you know what to do!

PUNCHFORCE
Punchforce victory dance!

(PUNCHFORCE do a synchronized taunting dance towards KEVIN! They end and pose dramatically!)

UPPERCUT
Aw yeah, what do you think of us now boy?

KEVIN
Uh… that’s a very nice dance. Did you practice it very long?

(PUNCHFORCE doesn’t like this comment! UPPERCUT walks away angry, and ends up retrieving the basketball.)

BROCK
Uh, it’s not a dance, moron? It’s a victory dance.

SQUISH
Big difference. We don’t just dance, that’d be weird.

BOOM
And it’s not nice! And we didn’t practice, we’re just that good!

KEVIN
Well, it’s very impressive.

(UPPERCUT gets in KEVIN’s face, looking tough)

UPPERCUT
Yeah man. Yeah, we are impressive. As in, you better be impressed.

KEVIN
(Pleasantly) I am!

(UPPERCUT suddenly walks away angry! He doesn’t like how KEVIN is reacting! He comes back and gets in KEVIN’s face again!)

UPPERCUT
Hey man. You want your ball back?

KEVIN
That’d be great!

UPPERCUT
Hey guys, baby wants his ball back!

SQUISH
You gonna cry, baby?

BOOM
Oh wow, what are you gonna do about?

BROCK
He ain’t gonna do nothing!

UPPERCUT
You want your ball back, huh? Then I guess you better take it back then, huh? Huh?

KEVIN
Ok, sure!

(KEVIN reaches out and UPPERCUT yanks the ball away)

UPPERCUT
Oh, you gotta be quicker than that! You gotta be-

(KEVIN reaches out quickly and smoothly and takes the ball back while UPPERCUT is gloating)

KEVIN
Thanks, I’ve been working on my ball stealing skills. This is good practice.

(PUNCHFORCE is very still. UPPERCUT is frozen in rage for a moment, then he violently yanks the ball back! He stalks upstage and starts pacing in a muttering fury!

BROCK
Oh wow… you shouldn’t have done that, son!

KEVIN
What did I do?

SQUISH
You messed with the captain… you should never mess with the captain!

BOOM
You mess with the captain, we mess with you!

(BROCK, KEVIN, and SQUISH advance on a still cheerful KEVIN!)

KEVIN
He’s a captain? Captain of what?

(UPPERCUT abruptly stops and screams dramatically to express his manly rage! He then hurls the basketball offstage and gets back in KEVIN’s face! KEVIN remains cheerful as PUNCHFORCE menaces him. Suddenly, UPPERCUT becomes pleasant as well!)

UPPERCUT
You’ve got good moves, kid! Not just anybody can get the drop on me!

(The rest of PUNCHFORCE quickly follows his lead!)

BROCK
Wow, real slick man, you could be something special.

BOOM
Like lightning man! I could barely see you move!

SQUISH
You must have trained like a madman to get one over on the Captain!

KEVIN
Well thanks, I’ve been working pretty hard. I find that practice makes perfect!

BOOM
Amazing!

SQUISH
Stupendous!

BROCK
Dazzling!

UPPERCUT
(Under his breath) Cool it guys…

BOOM
I mean, you’re ok.

SQUISH
I’ve seen better.

BROCK
Could use some work, really.

KEVIN
Good feedback, thanks for that!

UPPERCUT
Alright, bottom line buddy… how would you like to be a part off…

PUNCHFORCE
Punchforce Five!!!

(BOOM starts to play air guitar and make rock music with his mouth, as UPPERCUT, BROCK, and SQUISH start jumping around the stage, doing action moves against invisible opponents! BOOM continues his guitar music between announcements!)

BOOM
Punchforce Five! The greatest team of punching fighters in the world! Meet Brock Slabjaw!

BROCK
(Full of intesity!!!) Punching is life!!!

BOOM
Brock once punched a man so hard his face flew up to the moon, and that face became the man in the moon we all know today! And here’s Squish Bonecracker!

SQUISH
(Pauses to be cool!) Hello, ladies!

BOOM
Squish once fought 37 ninjas, 12 cowboys, 7 samurai, 6 velociraptors, 3 tanks, and 1 very confused spider monkey all in one battle! And of course, I’m the great Boom McDynamite! So named because my fists and feet are like dynamite, I rent myself out to a demolition company on weekends, or I did until they all fired me for being too awesome! And here’s our leader, the amazing Captain Uppercut!

UPPERCUT
I’ll punch the whole world!!!

BOOM
He founded Punchforce Five so we could all learn the ways of the PUNCH!

(PUNCHFORCE all hit a cool pose!)

PUNCHFORCE
We are Punchforce Five!!!

KEVIN
(Applauds) That was very good!

UPPERCUT
(Breathing heavily) Thanks… ah, I mean, of course it was good, it was great, because we’re great! And who are you, to stand in the presence of Punchforce?

KEVIN
I’m Kevin. I practice basketball.

UPPERCUT
Ok… Kevin. But hey, what if your name was… Blasto Von Smashface?

BROCK
Stomp Rumblecrash?

SQUISH
Hunter T Dangerblood?

BOOM
Max Overkill?

KEVIN
Ha… no, I’m Kevin. I practice basketball.

UPPERCUT
Kevin, buddy, my boy, my man, my son, we’re trying to ask you something very simple… how would you feel about joining…

PUNCHFORCE
Punchforce Five!!!

(PUNCHFORCE poses around KEVIN for a moment in cool positions! KEVIN joins in the pose by giving a friendly thumbs up!)

UPPERCUT
So, what do you think?

KEVIN
I guess you do need a fifth member so you can be Punchforce Five, don’t you?

SQUISH
What do you… hey yeah, why have we been calling ourselves that?

UPPERCUT
(Very quickly) Shut up Squish never question your leader!

SQUISH
Sorry, I’m just saying-

UPPERCUT
(A bit manic) Well just don’t say! Ok??

SQUISH
Fine…

KEVIN
I just don’t know, you’re very kind to ask but I’m not sure I would fit in. What do you all even do?

UPPERCUT
Oh man, what do we do? Tell him, boys!

SQUISH
Ok, ok, check this out man… you know how sometimes something really sad happens, and you want to cry?

KEVIN
Sure, I know all about that. Toy Story 4 really got to me, I was sobbing in the theater. You too?

SQUISH
Um, NO! Gross man! Don’t be weird… I’m saying, if you join our group, you don’t have to cry anymore.

KEVIN
But what if something really sad happens?

SQUISH
Then you take your hand, ball it up into an all powerful fist, and punch your tear ducts until they shut up and take it like a man!

KEVIN
(Taken aback but trying to be pleasant) O...K. Whatever works for you, my friend!

SQUISH
Oh yeah, it works. It works like crazy. And the best part is, if you forget, Punchforce Five will do it for you! (Suddenly reliving a traumatic memory) Like when my mom went to the hospital.

UPPERCUT
Oh yeah, we punched you good that time! You were all like, wah, wah, I’m scared for my mommy!

SQUISH
(Dazed) Yeah… thanks guys…

KEVIN
But that seems like a good reason to cry!

SQUISH
(Snaps out of it) Uh, dude? There is NO good reason for a guy to cry! You’re only supposed to feel angry or sometimes happy, like if you just punched someone. But don’t be too happy, or it’s weird. Like be cool and happy, like (acts cool) oh yeah, good punching bro.

KEVIN
I’m not sure…

BROCK
Ok, shut up Squish, with your weird Mom stories. She was fine eventually, wasn’t she? Besides, what Punchforce is really about is totally dominating all the competition! You like sports, right? You were throwing that little ball around?

KEVIN
That’s right, I’m trying to make the team this year. I want to do my best!

BROCK
Bzzzt, wrong!! You don’t want to do your best!

KEVIN
I don’t?

BROCK
No way dude! You want to totally crush everyone in your path and put their heads on pointy sticks!

KEVIN
I… do not, actually.

BROCK
Oh, you absolutely do! What, do you want to be a loser? Do you want to be a weak little girl?

KEVIN
(Brightly) Our girl’s team won the state championship last year!

BROCK
UH THAT WAS THE STATE OF NOTHING SO DON’T BRING IT UP!!!

KEVIN
Ok, ok… but they did.

BROCK
(Seethes for a minute, then continues) Ok, but for real, what’s the point of trying unless you’re going to win so hard you smash everyone else’s dreams?

KEVIN
To have fun?

BROCK
To have… WHAT ARE YOU

(SQUISH leads a sputtering and shaken BROCK away from the conversation)

SQUISH
I know, I know, he’s a weird one but we’ll get him.

BROCK
He’s not human…

BOOM
Wow Brock, pretty weak. Preeeeetty weak. A member of Punchforce is never supposed to be WEAK like that. That’s another reason you should join, you know.

KEVIN
Seems like you all put a lot of pressure on yourself.

BOOM
Uh, that’s because a man can HANDLE the pressure, duh! What are you trying to say, we’re all just scared and lost deep down?

KEVIN
Well…

BOOM
(Getting a little frantic) Like, what, we just walk around, constantly afraid someone will recognize that we aren’t good enough, that we’ll never be good enough for anyone?

KEVIN
I didn’t say-

BOOM
(He’s losing it!) That we know, every second of every day, that our existence is shallow and worthless, that we contribute nothing of value and only tear others down, and if we all went away nobody would miss us???

KEVIN
I think everyone feels like that once in a while, don’t they?

BOOM
(He’s a wild eyed fanatic!!) Well, not Punchforce Five! I’ve never felt that way ever, not even for one second! Be strong all the time with Punchforce Five! Endure the pain with the power of the fist!!

KEVIN
I’m just not sure this is for me.

UPPERCUT
Man, don’t listen to these morons. Don’t you ever feel like you need to just cut loose and kick some butt?

KEVIN
I mean, I get frustrated sometimes like anyone, if that’s what you mean.

UPPERCUT
Sure, gotta deal with frustration, right? Gotta let off some steam? So why not do it by launching your fist into someone’s deserving face?

KEVIN
So you guys are like… punching vigilantes?

SQUISH
More like masters of punching evil.

BROCK
More like fist tornadoes of justice.

BOOM
More like punching superheroes.

UPPERCUT
All of the above, my man. There’s nothing better.

KEVIN
I like to let off my aggression by playing sports or building something. Maybe for a walk, try to think about the problem.

UPPERCUT
Do you also think about being a dork?

KEVIN
(Awkward silence) Oh, was that a real question?

UPPERCUT
Man, are you just walking around trying to be constructive all the time? You gotta be destructive man! Punch! Kick! Shoot! Blow something up! You gotta do something, or you’ll be the one who explodes!

KEVIN
But it sounds like you’re exploding all the time.

UPPERCUT
But think how much more we’d be exploding if we didn’t let off that steam?

KEVIN
I appreciate the sales pitch, everyone, but I just don’t think this is gonna happen.

UPPERCUT
Ok man, I see there’s only one thing that will convince you. We need to introduce you to… the love of punching!

PUNCHFORCE
(They all punch the air!) The love of punching!!!

UPPERCUT
Have you ever punched anything before, buddy?

KEVIN
I… guess not? Like, a pillow I guess.

BOOM
Punching someone is better than punching a million pillows.

KEVIN
Is punching a million pillows good…?

SQUISH
A million punches is ALWAYS good!

BOOM
But it’s even better to punch a person!

KEVIN
I’ve got to be honest, I just don’t see the appeal.

UPPERCUT
Well don’t know it til you’ve tried it, right? Why don’t you punch… Brock?

BROCK
Uh, what? No, you don’t want to punch me man…

UPPERCUT
Brock...

BROCK
I mean, it’d be like punching a brick wall, really. You’ll probably break your hand right on my jaw. Why don’t you punch Boom?

BOOM
Oh, woah! You can’t just punch Boom!

BROCK
And why not, exactly?

BOOM
I’ve got an explosive personality man! I’m a mass of fighting instincts! If someone comes at me, I’ll dodge them without even thinking about it!

BROCK
Oh really?

BOOM
Yeah, and before I can stop myself I’ll hit the seven nerve points on the human body that causes your skin to turn inside out!

BROCK
I told you, that is not real!

BOOM
It’s so real, bro! Don’t come at me!

(BROCK reaches out and pokes BOOM in the forehead. BOOM is shocked and indignant!)

BROCK
Guess what genius, my skin is still right side out.

BOOM
You’re just lucky! My defenses are up to 110% now! Nobody should come near me! He should punch Squish anyway!

SQUISH
And for what possible reason should he punch Squish?

BOOM
Well, you’re named Squish. Isn’t it your destiny to absorb blows?

SQUISH
I was named Squish for the delightful noise my socks make on day 37 of me not washing them. Oh yeah, Kevin, being gross is also a perk of being on Punchforce!

KEVIN
(Not enthused) Great…

SQUISH
Speaking of, I don’t think you want to get close enough to punch me, dude. I’m on day 167.

BOOM
Ugh! That’s probably why my defenses were weakened, you sicko!

BROCK
You don’t have any defenses, you dummy! I could smack you right now!

BOOM
Just try it, punk!

SQUISH
Nice, I want to see some inside out skin! I want to see it flopping all around!

(BROCK, BOOM, and SQUISH descend into a shouting match until-)

UPPERCUT
(Shouting) Enough, morons! You’re just a bunch of huge wussies, huh? I gotta do everything myself? Ok Kevin… punch me!

KEVIN
Uh, really?

UPPERCUT
Yeah!!! (KEVIN raises his fist hesitantly and UPPERCUT flinces!) But, uh, not in the face… or stomach… ok, just like, punch me in the arm ok?

KEVIN
Do you really want me to?

UPPERCUT
(With gritted teeth!) Just do it bro! (KEVIN taps him very lightly) No, not like that! Really do it! Do it! DO IT!!!

(KEVIN punches UPPERCUT in the arm with medium force, not with anger but hard to enough to make a decent impact. UPPERCUT tenses up on impact, his eyes wide. He walks stiffly away in tense silence, everyone watching with bated breath. Finally, he lets out a prolonged, strangled, almost whispered scream of pain as he struggles to control his reaction! This reaction may be quite drawn out and elaborate. Finally he composes himself and walks back to KEVIN.)

UPPERCUT (cont)
Didn’t even hurt!

BROCK
Oh. Wow.

SQUISH
What a man!!

BOOM
This is why you’re the king, dude!

KEVIN
I’m… glad?

UPPERCUT
But didn’t it feel great??

KEVIN
(He looks at his hand, flexing it and wincing) Honestly… no, it didn’t. There’s a little rush to it, I admit. I can understand it might be exciting or satisfying in some way. But I don’t feel good about it. What’s to feel good about? I didn’t accomplish anything, didn’t help anyone, didn’t build anything up.

UPPERCUT
(Disgusted) You just don’t get it, dude.

BOOM
Pathetic!

SQUISH
What kind of man doesn’t like a good punch?

BROCK
What man? Do you guys see a man around here? I sure don’t!

UPPERCUT
I guess we’re just wasting our time, guys. I thought you had the stuff, Kevin, but you’re just weak. You’re worthless. You’re nothing! You’re-

(KEVIN steps up and hugs UPPERCUT, who is shocked into silence. Nobody on PUNCHFORCE has any idea what do. The hug is held for several moments, until KEVIN lets go. He keeps his hands on UPPERCUT’s shoulders in a comforting way.)

KEVIN
I’m sorry. I’m sorry somebody told you that you had to be this way. I know it’s hard to act differently. But this is not the way. I’ve got it in me to love you. I’ve been lucky, the people around me have built me up. But not everyone is as lucky as me. It’s going to be hard for people to love you when you’re being like this. And if they don’t, they won’t be wrong.

BROCK
Hey, you can’t talk to us like-

(KEVIN hugs BROCK as well. UPPERCUT is still frozen, stunned, as are the other PUNCHFORCE members as KEVIN goes to them.)

KEVIN
It’s ok not to compete and not win. (He hugs BOOM) It’s good to feel your emotions. (He hugs SQUISH) It’s ok to acknowledge your insecurities and still be strong. (He turns back to UPPERCUT) It’s ok. You can touch others without lashing out.

UPPERCUT
(He struggles to come out of his shock) You don’t… you don’t know us. About our lives, what makes us… what kind of...

KEVIN
It can be ok.

UPPERCUT
(After a beat of silence) Squish! Brock! Boom! Come on, we’re out of here!

(PUNCHFORCE exits quietly, unsure of what just happened, throwing puzzled looks at KEVIN. Should they feel angry? Ashamed? They don’t know how to respond. UPPERCUT is the last to leave, but before he does…)

KEVIN
Hey, Captain. (UPPERCUT turns back, wary) Can I get my ball back?

(UPPERCUT pauses a moment longer, then motions offstage. Someone passes him the ball, and he tosses it back to KEVIN. KEVIN goes back to dribbling the ball and looks offstage the opposite way, up at the unseen hoop, at peace. UPPERCUT watches him for a moment.

UPPERCUT
Hey, Kevin.

KEVIN
Yeah?

UPPERCUT
Maybe… maybe there is a better way. A better way to… to be a guy.

KEVIN
You don’t have to be anything you don’t wanna be. Just be.

(UPPERCUT thinks about this a moment, then exits as well. KEVIN looks after him and spares a smile, hopeful that maybe his words and actions will have impact. He turns back to the unseen hoop once more, trying to focus, but he has one last thought...)

KEVIN (cont)
Hugforce Five? (He thinks it over and laughs to himself) Well, maybe someday.

(He finally takes the shot, shooting offstage. We hear the ball bounce away. KEVIN shrugs, and it’s not clear if he made the shot or not this time. But he’s still smiling, because it’s enough that he tried and he’s getting better every day. He jogs off to retrieve the ball, ready to try again.)

THE END

[Benjamin Button]

That's really good, man...really works on a lot of levels. Here's a kid trying to get better against degenerates who self sabotage themselves. You can see Kevin is not where he wants to be but is in a great place mentally to practice and get there.

I somehow picture the bully from F is for family when picturing all of the punchforce and Kevin makes me think of the young boy for some reason.

I enjoyed it. Thought all of it was really good and positive with a message very true to adolescents and the core message true to adults as well.

It's nice to know where the man in the moon got his origins.

[mizfan]

Thanks man, I think it'll be cool to see it actually performed by teenage boys who are likely wrestling with the good and bad aspects of modern masculinity and figuring out who they want to be. Also I hope they have a hell of a good time with the sillier parts.

[Benjamin Button]

I could definitely see this as a really fun play. The hug could go over really well...might want to pull the punch though! Lol, but even the reaction of the kid getting punched is a great opportunity for fun for the kids and the audience. Hope you get to see this one done. It is awesome.

[TheLAW]

Edit: creating a new thread with this poem to encourage more feedback.

[Benjamin Button]

Good god, man, that was a great piece of work.

[TheLAW]

Thanks Benny! Much appreciated.

[Mystic]

Regarding that play, how quickly I get to know the characters and how easily I can visualize it playing out on a stage is an obvious nod to your talents in this genre.

[Benjamin Button]

Johnny Jack are you jacking again?
She only showed you her knee.
Johnny Jack, its just a blue skirt over crossed legs.
Beat it, Johnny Jack. You're just whack.

Johnny Jack, stop beating it.
Johnny Jack, you're just whack.
Johnny Jack, she's just vacuuming.
She's not bending over for you.

Johhny, listen to that vacuum.
Johnny, put away your broom.
She's just dusting.
She doesnt know your lusting

Johnny Jack, your just whacking
Whack, whack, whack,
you're going to strain your sack.

[Mystic]

I don't wish to signal doom
but if he's showing his face
Lil' Johnny's gonna catch a case
instead of catching his broom

[mizfan]

That's some relatable adolescent content right there!

[Mystic]

This is what happens when you're driving alone for four hours while listening to Bob Seger

Just take those VHS tapes off the shelf
I'll sit and watch 'em all by myself
‘Entertainment’ ain't got the same soul
I like that old-time Race 'n' Rhodes

Don't try to make me read Seth Rollins
His cyber gimmick, man, it’s a bore
Ten tweets later and I start to snore
I like that old-time Al-dis-Storm

Still like that old-time Flair ‘n’ Rhodes
Their whole dynamic just soothes my soul
I reminisce about the Bash and tour
With that old-time Flair 'n' Rhodes

Call me a relic, call it preference for heels
Say ‘OK, Boomer,’ but it’s how I feel
Scripted promos ain't got the same soul
I like that “All In” Co-dy Rhodes

Still like that old-time Al-dis-Rhodes
Their whole dynamic just soothes the soul
I reminisce about ten pounds of gold
With that old-time Aldis-Rhodes

[mizfan]

Ha, I love it. Everyone knows I like a lot of modern stuff, but I don't know if I've liked anything I've watched recently as much as I liked the Nitros from 1996 I'm binging. And watching wrestling on VHS! Ah, the nostalgia!!

[Mystic]

haha, thanks for reading. Def. not a 'real' knock on modern stuff or people who enjoy them. Just playing the frames the piece demands!

[Benjamin Button]

I created this joke while my family went to vacation without me...

Comedic guy: Did you know there's no place in town that fulfills the wifely duties when your wife goes on vacation without you?

Straight man: Really, no way.

Comedic Guy: Yeah, I went to area erectors and told them I needed an erection for my area, and they said, "Sir, we don't do that here..."

Straight Guy: Well, that's false advertising

Comedic Guy: You're telling me. When I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and told the lady behind the counter I needed a good sport for my dick, I thought they'd arrest me.

Straight Guy: That had to be traumatizing. What did you do then?

Comedic Guy: I gave up and went to the rundown Panda Express across the street. But you know what?

Straight Guy: What?

Comedic Guy: It's cheaper than the fried rice...