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    Bearly Reviewing 33 1/3



    Bearly Reviewing A House Show in Saudi Arabia

    Previously in Saudi Arabia, the Umayyad Caliphate was one of the biggest empires in history until the Brits came and smashed the record, the Saud family started a dynasty that got destroyed by the Ottoman viceroy of Egypt, a much smaller Saudi state tried to revolt against the Ottoman Empire because the Brits asked them to very nicely and there was a war on, and then they found oil and all got rich. And nothing bad happened! Ever! And if anything bad was going to happen, WWE are coming to stop it.

    The Greatest Royal Rumble comes from King Abdullah’s very own stadium in his very own city. Other things to come from King Abdullah include:

    - His 34 children
    - That one gay son that they don’t like to talk about.

    Triple H vs John Cena

    This is actually quite a good choice for the first match because people who’ve never seen wrestling will pop for a chinlock.

    John Boy wins, and then thanks everyone for helping him get over his relationship breaking down.

    Kalisto vs Cedric Alexander

    This is the best match on the show for various reasons, not least because they just start throwing loads of shit at each other during the finishing stretch.

    Point is, this was actually quite exciting. Good old 205 Live.

    The Bar vs Sister Twister

    This is for the Raw Tag Team Championships but only one team is on Raw so…*Kanye shrug* #DragonEnergy

    The Raw team wins, of course.

    Jinder Mahal vs Brother Jeffrey

    One of these guys has done a tonne of supplements and can’t wrestle.

    The other is Jinder Mahal.

    Brother Jeffrey wins and then preaches to the assembled crowd. ‘I have accepted the Lord as my one and true saviour, and I urge you all to do the same! Repent the evil that runs through your veins and join me as I break the body of Christ and drink his blood. Let your sickness be healed by the Lord!

    Somehow this doesn’t go over very well in Saudi Arabia. Who’d have thought it?

    The Usos vs The Bludgeon Brothers

    I enjoyed this, so whatever. People will tell you that The Bludgeon Brothers aren’t working, but that’s just because they’re a sort of old school tag team the like of which we don’t really see now. Not like The Revival old school, like Legion of Doom old school.

    Seriously, if some wrestling commentators writing now had been about in the 80s they’d all have had aneurysms.

    Joey Samoa vs Finlay Balor vs The Miz vs Seth Rollins

    Well, this is exciting, isn’t it evewyone? Our vewy first time in Saudi Awabia, performing for these people.

    Thut up Mith, you don’t even go here no more! You’re on Thmackdown now, not Raw like Finlay and I! We’re on the A thow, aren’t we Finlay?

    Well, actually, the concept that there is an A or B show is a moot point in the modern age and, given the fluidity of the rosters and the fact that we’re all performing on the same pay per views anyway, I don’t think such a definition really matters. Besides, if Smackdown really were the B show…

    WHO SAID SMACKDOWN’S THE B SHOW? I’LL KILL ‘EM, I’LL TEAR ‘EM LIMB FROM LIMB!

    Now now, clam down Thamoa Joe, we were jutht thaything that thuch definithionth donn’t really have a plathe in the world now that we all do our thows together. I don’t think anybody actually thinkth that Thmackdown ith the B thow…

    IT WAS YOU! YOU SAID SMACKDOWN WAS THE B SHOW! I’M GOING TO TEAR YOUR ABS APART AND EAT YOUR INTESTINES!

    Look Samoa Joe, you and I are on Smackdown together now, and we now full well that we are the twue A show of WWE. Bwand wivalwy has always been a part of the bwand split, and it will wemain that way. Now, why don’t we go and get you a nice steak?

    I LIKE STEAK!


    Seth wins, because he’s the champion and this is a house show. Are you starting to see theme emerging?

    They do a bit where the Daivari brothers are all ‘Iran is the best! Iran number one!’ in people’s faces. Surprisingly enough, this ends badly for them in more ways than one.

    Do you think WWE just didn’t realise that wading into a serious political battle would be problematic? Poor Ariya.

    AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura

    Can I just say how much I’m enjoying Shinsuke Nakamura – Ball Puncher? It’s the best. Worship the ground that man walks on.

    They do a double count out because it’s a house show.

    Rusev vs The Undertaker

    ‘Bury me softly, brother’

    Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar

    They do the WrestleMania match again but this time Roman also hits a powerbomb.

    In the end, Brock Lesnar catches a running Roman Reigns and DDTs him through the cage wall.

    The ending is ‘controversial’ because Brock’s feet never touch. How great. You had one job, the pair of you!

    The Greatest Royal Rumble Ever

    Daniel Bryan wrestles for 75 minutes and gets his chest turned inside out by Roderick Strong.

    Sami Zayn doesn’t take part because he’s part Syrian and Saudi Arabia are doing bad things there. Or good things there. Nobody really seems to know if there is a goodie or a baddie in Syria. Saudi Arabia fund the rebels, anyway.

    American Hero Braun Strowman wins a trophy that nobody wants to touch in case it falls apart. He also gets a lizard to go around his waist.

    And that’s the show! Tune in for Raw to watch them try to explain why they fucked up the end of the Universal Championship match!

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, Wurzel Gummidge. Being a scarecrow, I don’t have much time to read, but when I do, I read Bearly Reviewing. It’s the number one place on the internet for mild comedic relief from the omnipresent fear of impending nucelar war.




    Bearly Reviewing Raw from a couple of weeks ago

    Previously, on Raw – that up there, plus the women main evented.

    We’re live from the Bell Centre, which is coincidentally what you call a women in the middle of a bukkake.

    Raw starts with old men talking. Roman says he’s the real Unicorn Champion, and demands that Brock and Joe apologise for eating his best friend. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

    Joey Samoe comes out, and then so does Jinder Mahal, and more and more people keep coming until there’s enough people in the ring to make a tag team match.

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    ♫ It’s me your friend, Elias,
    My followers are pious,
    I’ll beat Bob Roode,
    His wrestling’s crude,
    And that’s the story of Elias ♫

    Elias does actually win, which makes a nice change from him getting beaten up all the time by someone more famous than him.

    Of course, this just means that Bob Roode gets to qualify attacking him unprovoked for the next 4-6 weeks.

    The Authors of Pain vs Jean-Paul & Francois

    The Authors win, because the other goes don’t even work here.

    Afterwards they unveil their scroll again. They’ve been working on a new chapter of their book. They turn it around to show the audience. It just says ‘pain’ again.


    Hello, it’th me, Theth Rollinth. Now that I am rid of that thcourge The Mith ath he hath gone to Thmackdown, I’m free to rule over the midcard of Raw with the Intercontinental Championthip. Now, I’ve been litheninng to my good friend Finlay Balor rethently and I just bought mythelf a new thell phone. Look at this! It’th got a fingerprint bit for unlocking it and thuperb camera on the back, 13 megapixthels. Do all thmile, I want a photo for my wall.

    Seth, I can’t help but see that you’ve purchased your telecommunication device on pay as you go.

    Why yeth Finlay, it ith on pay ath you go. Why do you athk?

    Well, everyone knows that the best deals are those on a contract, and sometime you even get a free gift. I got this spectacular Sonos speaker system (other speaker systems are available) when I signed up with Verizon, and would recommend that you did this post haste.

    No thankyou, Finlay, I think I have taken quite enough of your advithe rethently and will be continuing on my own path from here forth. I don’t need you telling me what to do, or anybody elthe for that matter. Now why don’t you go backthtage and look at that picture of Robbie Keane in your journal…

    Hello there Finlay and Seth, it’s me, Bo Dallas. Now that I’m no longer working for The Miz I don’t have to use that widiculous speech impediment – but somehow it has stuck.

    Curtis think it funny.

    Shut up Curtis, we all know you’re not weally mentally wetarded and it was just an act. Now, you had a vewy good idea for what we should all do, can you tell Finlay while I twy and come to terms with the fact that this is not my weal speaking voice!

    Yes, that’s right, I did – I think that we could all be the new Four Horsemen! Just think about it, Bo as the Flair, me as the Windham, Seth you would be a great Arn, and Finn, well, you can be Ole…

    Ole?!? I am horrendously offended by the very notion. If anything I would be Flair!

    No I would motht thertainly be Flair, you rathcal Finlay!

    That’s wight, you two do a fight!


    Somehow the kind extension of friendship from Bo and Curtis results in them being punched in the face. And then Finn attacks Seth for saying he wouldn’t be Ric in the new Horsemen.

    Sasha Banksonovic vs Rubyy Riott

    ‘This is for the motherland!’ screams Sasha, as she charges at Ruby. ‘You stupid Americans come here with your piercings and your tattoos, but know this – Putin respects nobody with body modification. Only modification Putin likes is political vote rigging.’

    Because she has extra friends and Sasha doesn’t, Rubyy wins.

    AHAHhahaHhhahHAahAHhaHaaaaHHHHH Yeeeeeeeeesss, let me see, Bray Wyatt you have ohfficially become my WOKEN warrior, yes, let me see now, as I read from the book of light and dark, see here us at the Pyramids of Geezer during their construction, yes, and here we are harassing the Moaner Lisa, yes. We are simply the greatest Tag Team to ever walk this earth, and through hundreds of Millenia and many more the seven souls have chosen us as their vessels, yes. RUN!

    Jinder Mahal, Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs Bobby Lashley, Roman Reigns, & Braun Strowman

    So is Braun finished with Roman now or what?

    It’s his hometown, so Big Kev takes the pin.

    Baron Corbin vs No Way Jose

    SAVE_US.ANYONE

    Drunk Aunt vs Natalya

    Ronda is in Natalya’s corner, but she spends most of her time chasing Alexa Bliss for some reason.

    Drunk Aunt spills her appletini all down the chest of her new poolboy Steve. As she licks it off, Natalya rolls her up and wins.

    Afterwards Nia appears and is grumpy. She looks at Ronda with intent and then raises her arm.

    Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins

    It might just be because it comes off the back of that Saudi Arabia thing, but this feels like match of the year when I watched it.

    Seth wins and then does a victory lap, high fiving babies out of their pushchairs. He then breaks a knee.


    And that’s Raw! Tune in next week to see whether Sasha has had her citizenship revoked for that vote rigging thing, whether Roman will finally get a new Unicorn, and oh hang on wait there’s Backlash first I’d forgotten.


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, Ian Botham here. As a child growing up in Somerset, I use to scrump apples to with the tunes of the day skittering around me head, like a persistent grasshopper in the field rubbing his legs togevver. But nowadays if I’m ever out scrumping I do it whilst reading Bearly Reviewing, the premier review column for cider drinkers everywhere.





    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown from a couple of weeks ago

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    Well it is wonderful to be back here on Smackdown, and vewy much far away fwom that scourge Daniel Bwyan, yes. Now, Miz TV is going to be on, that’s a given, we’re in Canada so evewyone will call it La La Land. I might do a musical number, do you like musical numbers? I’m never sure whether it’s a good idea or not, but I do weally like to watch musicals at home. High School Musical is my favouwite, I watch it evewy day when I’m at home with Monwoe and Mawyse, while I eat a nice spicy bit of chicken and some plain boiled rice. Nothing too exciting, but a tasty meal nonetheless.

    Now, I think I’ll pwobably have some guest, may Jeffwey and Wandall, they’re always nice. And that fellow, Shelton Benjamin, he talked to me wecently and had some vewy intewesting insights into whether the Earth is wound or flat. I think he’d make for quite stimulating conversation. So those thwee and me – four people in a wing at the start of Smackdown. What can go wwong?

    We should have those lovely little Austwalian ladies to do some talking and maybe a little bit of wwestling, I do quite like them, they have funny voices and faces which is always good for some comedy. And pwobably something with Wusev and Aiden together, maybe we should split them up, who knows, it’s not like they’re alweady to popular. Oh, and Big Cass beating up a midget, that went over well once in 1999 so it’s always a good idea to have it again.

    Samoa Joe could look quite foreboding, so I think we should make him look forebodingly at someone, maybe with a little bit of anger in his eyes while he says some words. And then Sheamus and Xavier Woods should do a fight, that will pwobably start hour two with only the first match of the night because the viewing public definitely weally like people talking. Do you like people talking, Oliver? I think it’s the best thing when someone does a weally intewesting talk. I love a good talk, I do, I like the TED talks, and the Google talks, and the walkie talks…so many good talks. Sometime I just like to sit and have a good talk all on my own, like, looking at a wall of paint and talking to it. It never talks back, though, but it’s a good fwiend of mine is the wall.

    Maybe we should get some ladies to do some wwestling, let’s put lots of them in the wing together wight at the end of the show so that not evewyone sees it. We’ll do those two lovely Austwalian ladies and that Carmella, she’s weally funny with her swimming costume. And we could have them face Asuka, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch, those are thwee good wwestlers aren’t they? Weally good at wwestling, they are. It would be nice to make evewyone happy at the end of the night too, so why don’t we let the good people win and the bad people lose.

    Well, it’s going to be a gweat night of wwestling and fun, Oliver. I’m going to go now, I hope you have a nice evening and get a good Chwistmas pwesent this year. I’ve got Mawyse a picture of my face with my face inside my mouth, and that little face has an even smaller face inside it’s mouth, and then wight at the end there’s a weally weally weally tiny face in the mouth of that one. I think she’s going to weally like it.

    Thanks, like, for listening and all that. It does get a bit boowing talking to the wall and stuff.

    The Miz’


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, the ghost of Prince. Sometimes I look down from my purple heaven and make sure that everyone I knew and loved when I was alive is still doing well. But before I do that, I like to read Bearly Reviewing to give me a little giggle in my throat.





    Bearly Reviewing Backlash

    It’s the third PPV in a month, and it’s coming to you live from the Prudential. Other things to come from the Prudential include:

    - Pensions
    - Investments
    - Savings

    The Miz vs Seth Rollins

    This is great, even though it all gets a bit ‘Ring of Honor 2008’ in the middle and Seth kicks out of everything.

    Seth wins, of course, and then breaks his own fibula when he walks down the ring steps.

    And that was the end of Backlash! Nothing else happened and it was all great!


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Cristiano Ronaldo thinks that you should do what Cristiano Ronaldo does and read Bearly Reviewing, because whatever Cristiano Ronaldo does is guaranteed to be a good thing because Cristiano Ronaldo knows thins he does are important, unlike things that Lionel Messi does, the little Argentinian midget.





    Bearly Reviewing the Raw after Backlash

    Raw opens with old men talking. Braun Strowman talks about giving people hands, which is a bit like giving people head in my book, the dirty little perv. He could fingerbang Darling Alexa and tickler her diaphragm. Any, Big Kev comes out, family man he is, and points out this is all a bit disgusting. As a heel has interrupted a face in the presence of a GM, the GM makes them have a match.

    American Hero Braun Strowman vs Big Kev

    American Hero Braun Strowman wins because he’s being overpushed but nobody has actually realised yet because we quite like him.

    I’m struck now by how much ‘Mike Rome’ sounds like ‘My Chrome’ when you say it, so now that’s all I think of when he’s mentioned. It’s like they’re sending us to interviews conducted with a tiny subservient Collosus.

    Jinder is a very grumpy young man, so Kurty Angels makes him wrestle Chad Gable to cheer him up.

    No Way Jose, Apollo Crews, & Titus O’Neil vs Baz Corbz & The Revival

    They should replace Baz Corbz with Bob Roode.

    Seriously though, the best WWE tag team of the decade, the team that was on half of the greatest modern WWE match, are now feuding with Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews. What the fuck is wrong with this stuff?

    I don’t even read who wins, I don’t care. I hope Baz Corbz punches Jose so hard he gets sent back to the Copacabana.

    Sasha Banks vs Rubyy Riott vs Ember Moon

    Howl! I’m a werewolf but also possibly a vampire! Look at my red eyes and hairy chin! Howwwwl!

    Ember wins because she’s new and fun and gets to be in the Money in the Bank match. There is a 99% chance this ends with Eclipse-off-a-ladder.

    Robert Franklin Lashley would like to tell you how much he loves his family. Bless.

    Jinder Mahal vs Chad Gable

    Watching Chad Gable hit Chaos Theory suplexes is basically foreplay to me.

    Do you think Jinder could run with a Big Poppa Pimp gimmick? I want to see them really run with the fact that he’s just a big muscular fucker who can hardly move but can punch very, very hard.

    Anyway, Jinder wins, which impresses Kurty Angels.

    Drolph Zintyre vs Heath Slater & Rhyno

    Drolph win, which is nice for them. It’s great to put two good wrestlers with a net charisma of about -100 together in a team, isn’t it?

    ♫ The wanderer Elias,
    You, beat me? Just try us,
    Bob Roode you smell,
    You don’t grapple well,
    And that’s the story of Elias ♫

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    Because Elias won a week ago, we now have about 4-6 weeks of Bob Roode getting ‘revenge’.

    Seth Rollins does the open challenge thing, because they’ve forgotten they were going to do a lengthy Finlay vs Rollins feud, apparently. Anyway, Mojo Rawley appears.

    Seth Rollins vs Mojo Rawley

    Is there a way to work ‘MVP’ into Rollins’ name? And also how organically over as a babyface is this guy? Holy shit they should push him. Actually, flip the roles. Give Rollins Reigns’ slot and give Reigns Rollins’ one. Or, maybe give Rawley Rollins’ one and give Reigns Rawley’s. Whatever, my point is Rollins might be about to have a career year.

    Sister Twister vs Bo and Curtis

    I’m not sure anybody cares.

    Samuel Zayn vs Finlay Balor vs Romaine Reigns

    It’s good.

    Also WWE is now so desperate for us all to cheer for Romaine that they’re going to feud him with Jinder Mahal. Which is like saying ‘look, we know you think dog shit is bad, but have you ever tried cat shit? It’s so much worse that now you’ll definitely like dog shit!’

    Anyway, Finlay wins, which puts him in the 205Live Money in the Bank match.


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there loves, it’s Pauline Fowler here. I know I’m dead now, after that rotter of a husband of mine struck me with a frying pan. That Joe, I should have seen he was a little shit when he wouldn’t put ham in my breakfast pancakes and insisted on me having blueberries. ‘They’re full of anti-oxidants, mam!’ he’d say. ‘Fuck anti-oxidants’ I’d reply ‘just give me some salty cubes of meat ye twat’. Well, he wasn’t happy about that, was he? Hit me with the pan. Bastard. Anyway loves, I just wanted to say that if there’s one thing I like to read from beyond the grave it’s Bearly Reviewing. I have a lovely little laugh with Mark and Barry.





    Bearly Reviewing the Smackdown after Backlash

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    Well, I thought that you might like another little letter fwom me, your best fwiend and penpal for life, The Miz. I’m having a lovely time on Smackdown, I weally am, I get to feel like I’m an important part of a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Perhaps a little corner, or maybe one of those bits with the thwee nubbles on and one hole. I like those bits, they’re my favouwite bits of jigsaws, they are, all nubbly and wubbly and pointy but wounded, not like pointy and sharp like a pair of scissors or the beak of a budgewigar.

    So I think it’s time I told you what I’m planning for Smackdown this week. It’s going to be another gweat show. I’ll start, of course, and I think I’ll pwobably face Jeffwey Hardy for the wight to be in the Money in the Bank match. I think that will be a lovely opener for all the boys and girls who have come to watch me be weally important and an integwal part of the blue bwand. And I think if I’m weally clever I can beat him by pinning him when he stuns himself on the Swanton Bomb he does, because it’s really vewy silly to keep landing on your neck at his age and delicacy.

    We should have those lovely little Austwalian ladies to do some talking and maybe a little bit of wwestling, I do quite like them, they have funny voices and faces which is always good for some comedy. And pwobably something with Wusev and Aiden together, maybe we should split them up, who knows, it’s not like they’re alweady to popular. Oh, and Big Cass beating up a midget, that went over well once in 1999 so it’s always a good idea to have it again.

    We’ll do some funny little backstage bits, they’re always weally good to make people do a laugh, pwobably something with pancakes and the New Day. Do you think that now Xavier Woods and Paige are on the same show maybe he gets some pwefewential tweatment because he went balls deep in her, or do you think they actually have some animosity? I’m vewy pwoud of Paige for having sex with all the people of colour, though, I always thought people fwom Nowwich didn’t weally like non-whites and pwobably voted for Bwexit, but she’s pwoven me vewy wwong. Oh, and maybe we should have that Japanese fellow, Shinsuke, he should dick punch someone, yeah, that’s his thing now.

    Charlotte vs Peyton Woyce, now there’s a weally important match up that will be lots of fun for evewyone in the awena and watching at home like my Monwoe and Mawyse. I do love my family, and it’s good that evewyone is so family fwiendly at WWE shows now. Charlotte will win, but we’ll have Peyton look good too because that’s vewy important.

    The less said about the wapscallion Daniel Bwyan the better, I think. I hope Big Cass knocks him out of his little fuwwy boots!

    Xavier Woods vs Cesawo will pwobably be good too, and we might as well have a pancake shower or something vewy funny like that. Do you think, like, that pancakes are a bit of a funny food gwoup? What are they, are they actually cakes or do you have to market them as biscuit like Jaffa Cakes in the UK? Or were Jaffa Cakes declared to be cakes in the end? I can’t wemember, but it was a vewy long time ago in 1991 that they did the twibunal. Anyway, what exactly are pancakes? Are they a fwied food? I don’t like fwied food, it gives me a dicky tummy.

    Mandy Wose vs Becky Lynch sounds like it could be pwoper wubbish, I don’t know. And then maybe we’ll make Daniel Bwyan do a main event but lose to Wusev, because that would be so funny! He’s such a wubbish wwestler, not like me, I’m weally good at gwappling and doing wwestling. And he’s basically just four bamboo canes now because he got bwoken in his bwain!

    I think that going to be a weally, weally good show, and lots of fun for evewyone. Well, I better go and put my twunks on now, I’ve been weawing a towel while I wwite this, like, but I can’t wwestle in one, it would be vewy limiting to my movements and vewy distwacting to evewyone if Little Miz peeked out. Thanks for listening again, it’s been lovely wwiting this letter. I hope your little girls are doing well, do send a picture next time and we’ll have to set up a play date with Monwoe when she’s a little older.

    Your fwiend, The Miz’


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hi all, it’s Steve here, from LoP Forums and LoP Radio. To be honest, if you’re going to get a review of the shows and stuff, you’re probably best off listening to the Late Shift rather than reading this thing. It’s what I’d do.



    Bearly Reviewing Raw from this week

    Thank Christ, we’re nearly there.

    Raw’s in London this week, which probably means there’s a taxi and a red phone box somewhere, and perhaps and effigy of Theresa May literally fucking the country, riding Cornwall like a dildo.

    Roman Reigns is grumpy because he didn’t get handed yet another bloody opportunity. He thinks he can demand that he’s entered into another qualifier, but Kurty Angels is like ‘LOL fuck you Roman, you’ve had 100 title matches in the past year and lost 101 of them so nope’.

    Roman walks backstage and beats up Jinder because he’s a petty little bitch.

    Do you think that Roman is basically what Stone Cold would have been like if nobody wanted to cheer him so he felt unloved? Do you think he keeps making these demands because we, the fans, don’t love him and he needs someone to validate his existence by constantly giving him what he demands so when he doesn’t get it he acts out and punches someone because it’s worked in the past to get him what he wants? Is he basically a 4 year old being told they’re not having any more sweets?

    Seth Rollins vs Big Kev

    It’s the open challenge thingy again, so everyone looks good but Seth ultimately wins. He’s still the best thing on Raw, which is good going because it has Darling Alexa’s bottom on it too.

    They can’t stop telling us about Ronda Rousey and Nia Jax having a match on the upcoming Pay Per View because neither of them is on the show tonight.

    No Way Jose vs Baz Corbz vs Bob Roode

    Christ, these Money in the Bank qualifiers have fallen off a cliff haven’t they?

    Bob wins, because he’s the only one who actually has anything like main event potential out of these guys.

    I actually quite want him to win the case, to be honest.

    Breezanngo vs The B Team

    I mean, they’re just taking the piss out of Bo and Curtis now.

    BUT THEY WIN! Hurrah! Justice for Burtis!

    Thee Riott Squadd vs Sasha Bankns, Natalya, & Ember Moon

    You! American pierced woman! You disgust me with your skin drawings and silver decoration. You are exact representation of capitalist pig in my country, and I despise that you exist. I will defeat you fast and then we find out what else you have pierced, no? I rip silver from you and smelt it into necklace of memories to remind of your failure!

    Nattie Hart uses her *checks notes* Dad Bret Hart’s finisher to tap out Liv Morgan, which is essentially like submitting a lemon meringue pie.

    Sister Twister vs The Revival

    It’s a non-title match, but the champions win so whatever.

    I miss when The Revival felt important.

    Apparently Sami Zayn is going to expose Robert Franklin Lashley next week. This 100% ends in tiny midget ladies pretending to be his sisters, right?

    Darling Alexa vs Drunk Aunt vs Bayley

    Look Mickie, you don’t have to comply to the stereotype these men have crafted for you of a floozy drunk auntie who is sexually promiscuous with a procession of Latin sounding gentlemen. You needn’t stoop to the male gaze or those watching at home with one hand under their desks! Become stronger as a woman and own your right to allow who you want to pass the gates of your labia and enter you!

    Drunk Aunt stumbles at this tirade, shocked by the principal of it, and drops the olive out of her martini. Bayley slips on it and falls on her back, knocking herself out, which allows Darling Alexa to pin her and proceed to Money in the Bank.

    Spoilt Brat Roman puts Jinder through a wall backstage, the little shit.

    Finlay Balor & American Hero Braun Strowman vs Drolph Zintyre

    American Hero Braun Strowman has his big trophy at ringside. I bet that’s a complete coincidence, given that he’s not had it there before now.

    Oh look., the trophy gets knocked over and Braun is too distracted to break up the pin, so Drolph win.

    Elias vs Robert Franklin Lashley vs ???

    Turns out ??? is Big Kev, which is nice for him and means he has a 133 1/3% chance of winning.

    He wins.

    And that’s Raw! Isn’t that good? Raw has actually been good recently, what fun for everyone involved.


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    My name is Michael Paine, and I am a nosey neighbour. Now, not a lot of people know that I know this, but I saw Margaret from number 16 reading Bearly Reviewing the other day. Bearly Reviewing! At her age! Who’d have thought that the comedic wrestling review would reach the old aged pensioner market.



    ‘Dear Oliver,

    We’re in Euwope wight now, and tonight we’ve got a show in London which is wather excellent. I do like London, home of The Queen and Bwadley Wwight-Phillips. It’s gweat, I get to go and have a little steak pie with a little bit of mashed potato and a splash of gwavy on it. It’s vewy delicious. Do you like pies? You look a bit svelte so I imagine you don’t have them vewy often, maybe they’re a weekend tweat, once in a while, you just tuck into a little pie with some vegetables and gwavy. Twy them if you don’t, they’re weally tasty.

    Anyway, Daniel Bwyan is starting Smackdown this week and I’m staying out of his way. He looked at me a little bit last week and I saw some anger in his eyes which I didn’t like. He’s a nice blue eye though, he doesn’t get too angwy, more fwustwated I think with the fact he can’t wwestle so much anymore, or at least for a little while there he couldn’t. I wonder if he misses Birdie and Bwie now that he’s abwoad. I know I miss Monwoe and Mawyse dweadfully, but I send them pictures on Whats App evewy day of what I’m doing and a picture of an intewesting wall or dwain cover I’ve seen.

    So then The New Day will wwestle The Bar, which should be quite exciting. One of the winning team gets to be in Money in the Bank which I think is a wonderful and intewesting new twist on the concept. I hope it’s Xavier Woods, he seems vewy happy now Paige is pwesent on Smackdown and it would be nice to see his big smile on top of the ladder at the end of the show. Or maybe Big E should win it, he’s a vewy talented young man. Of course, that’s assuming that they win, and they might not! Maybe Cesawo will get to thwow some ladders awound instead, that would pwobably make for quite a sight.

    Andwade Cien Almas is going to wwestle someone I don’t know, so I suspect he wins that one, what a lovely debut for him. He’s vewy good at doing a wwestle, although I do wish he’d go back to weawing a suit with his mask, that’s the best look. And then we’ll do a bit with Wusev and his lovely wife Lana and Aiden English too, that will be lovely. The people like them like I like a nice little bit of salmon with wice, nothing too fancy, just steamed salmon and bwown wice, sometimes I might had a little bit of bwoccoli if I’m feeling adventuwous, like.

    They’re going to do a little bit about the Woyal family with Carmella here, which to be honest I think sounds like a bad idea. Just because we’re in London doesn’t mean we have to do the steweotypes, you know? I think we’d be better having someone pay homage to Carlton Cole or perhaps even Wonnie Boyce, you know, someone local and man of the people like. Anyway, appawaently Carmella is facing Asuka at Money in the Bank, so that’s a funny thing to do isn’t it? I bet Carmella is shitting herself, she doesn’t like getting hurt much at all. I once saw her dwy the floor of a lavatowy with a towel because it was a little wet and she was wowwied about slipping and hurting her coccyx.

    Then we’ve got to get more women into their little ladder match, so Becky Lynch gets to look important for a bit and beats some other ladies. And then to finish it we’ll get AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamuwa to do a non-title match, that’ll be fun, and Shinsuke’ll pwobably win too as long as he doesn’t hit AJ in the nutsack again like he was twying to send a potato into orbit with the cwook of his elbow.

    So lots of good wwestling tonight Oliver. I’m going to go, I’ve got to facetime Mawyse, she’s a bit wowwied because the last wall I sent her was painted black and not a nice wed bwick one like I had been sending her. It was a nice wall but, to be honest, I think I’m a bit depwessed out here on my own and just felt a certain kinship with that particular wall like. I suppose that’s why it’s nice for me to wwite to you, too, because it makes me feel a little bit less lonely. Thanks for those Tesco vouchers you sent, by the way, vewy kind, I got myself a nice bottle of orange juice – smooth, I don’t like the texture with the bits in it, you know – and a little pot of cous cous with a plastic fork for my lunch. Weally, weally tasty, and I’m vewy gwateful.

    Your fwiend, The Miz’


    Rating – We NEVER miss a show.

  2. #2
    The Brain
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    Holy god! I'm not sure the "Bearly" double meaning works anymore if you're this thorough. Welcome back.

  3. #3
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
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    It returns....

    Although I feel like it should be on the main page already.



    @Sir_Samuel

  4. #4
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
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    I love you. Welcome back.

  5. #5
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver View Post
    Raw’s in London this week, which probably means there’s a taxi and a red phone box somewhere, and perhaps and effigy of Theresa May literally fucking the country, riding Cornwall like a dildo.
    This is now something that I have thought of … fuck you Ollie. I'm never gonna be able to look at Cornwall the same after this.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  6. #6
    Best running thing in the CF. You keep writing, and I'll keep reading. That's axiomatic.

    And I've said it before; I'll say it again. Woof to the Open Challenge. Was fun when Cena did it. Lame when Styles copied it; lame when Reigns copied it; lame if Rollins is copying it. Get your own thing, you goons.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    Thanks pals, and sorry for the radio silence over the past couple of weeks. Will catch this up now, but probably going to need a few days to really get it all done.



    Bearly Reviewing Raw from a couple of weeks ago

    Previously on Raw – wrestling! With consequences! It made the show feel important!

    We’re live from Albany, which is what a Blur album without Graham Coxon sounds like. Little Britpop joke for you there, please do enjoy and rate on iTunes.

    Raw starts with old people talking. You’ve watched Raw before, right? The old people (Kurty and Den Mother Stephanie) talk a bit, a face (Roman Reigns) turns up, a heel (Kevin Owens) interrupts, they have a match right now because the Raw card is never fluid.

    During that match, a heel (Jinder Mahal, for some reason) causes a disqualification so another face (Seth Rollins, because Brotherhood) saves the first face and then we have a tag team match (Playa)

    That’s the first hour. I’m not even going to bother talking about it at length, it saves me time and you time not to.

    About two decades ago, The Rock and Mick Foley, two of the most charismatic performers in WWE history and both at the peak of their powers, did a ‘This Is Your Life’ segment. It popped a number, and everyone loved it because of the shuffling, endearing nature of Mick and the jockish indifference of The Rock to this guys overtures when he just wanted to be his friend and was trying to do a nice thing.

    20 years later, imagine that but with Sami Zayn and A Sentient Piece Of Cardboard. It’s…not as good. Let’s leave it there.

    Ember Moon vs Darling Alexa

    ‘Wait! Ember! I know you feel like the radical feminist movement is becoming dominated by the struggles of the white middle class woman and is exclusionary to people of colour, but that isn’t me. I embrace all races, and I want equality for women of all races. Fighting each other will only make the white man victorious! It’s only together that we can finally overthrow the patriarchy and compete on a level playing field with the men who have ruined our lives for so long. Join with me, take my hand, and let us march together, ebony and ivory, white chess pieces and black chess pieces, Nutella and cream crackers, on to a better life for all women!’

    ‘Hoooooowl! I’m a wolf, a wolf, and your butt is a full moon causing my transformation! Howwwwwl!’

    Ember wins, because fighting an actual werewolf would be hard.

    American Hero Braun Strowman squashes an apple with his bare hands. The animal.

    No Way Jose vs Baron Corbin

    Christ.

    Kurty Angle meets Chad Gable backstage and is like ‘hey, that would have made more sense than that Jason Jordan stuff, wouldn’t it?’

    The B Team vs Breezango

    I mean, The B Team win, so let’s not hate on this right now.

    Ronda Rousey and Nia Jax have Den Mother Stephanie McMahon cut a pair of promos on each other. It’s actually quite remarkable, as if they’ve decided that neither of them can speak for themselves so she has to.

    Chad Gable vs Dolph Ziggler

    Get me to the American Alpha fireworks factory, please.

    Drew McIntyre beats down Chad after Ziggler wins.

    Dana Brooke vs Ronda Rousey’s extremely good friend Natalya vs Livv Morgann vs Sarahh Logann

    So Ronda wins the title and Natalya is MitB holder, right?

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    ♫I am the wanderer
    I play guitar and walk the roads
    My feud with Bob Roode
    Walks an endless road♫

    Elias actually wins, which is nice. Does this feud ever end?

    Finn Balor vs Braun Strowman

    You and I both know Braun wins.

    They end up being friends. Isn’t that nice for them?


    And that’s Raw! Good wrestling with bad ideas. There’s still a month to go until Money in the Bank, so that means the rest of these shows are going to be full off people in the MitB matches fighting each other for ‘momentum’.


    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    ‘So you take the cigar and just gently slide it down through the flaps…oh, hi there, it’s me, Bill Clinton. When I’m not busy getting some oval orifice in the Oval Office, I like to read Bearly Reviewing to keep up to date with all the great wrestling that’s happening in this country.’





    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown from a couple of weeks ago

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    It’s been weally lovely talking to you for the last couple of weeks by letter while I was on the Euwopean tour with my fwiends on Smackdown, so I thought I would wwite you another little letter fwom the desk of The Miz and keep you updated with things, you know, so you’re fully abweast of all the Smackdown happenings. Mawyse says it’s a bit silly because you don’t wwite back to me but, you know, sometimes it’s good just to get these things out in the open, air some gwievances like, and it does get lonely on the woad even if I can face time my wife and child.

    So I’m going to start Smackdown again because that’s what makes an exciting start to a show isn’t it? Just me and a micwophone in the wing. I’m vewy wawy of that Daniel Bwyan fellow, but I think he’s pwobably been detained wight now and I can make a good effort to pwotect myself from his pwesence, especially if I’m in fwont of people. So maybe The New Day can come out and talk with me too, but that will pwobably turn into a match with Big E or something and that’s not something I would particularly savour at the moment, what I weally would savour is perhaps a little bit of sushi, maybe with some of those rice thingies with the bwown tofu awound them, I bet you know all about them being vegan and all, is your diet mostly tofu or do you eat other times of wefined plant pwotein? I quite like most of them but I don’t like seitan because it sounds too much like an evil thing. I don’t like evil foods, I like my food to sound nice and cuddly, like white wice or bwown bwead or something. I don’t very much care for evil foods, I imagine they make your tummy quite upset and a bit bwoken inside, you know?

    Anyway, like, I’ll pwobably beat Big E even though he’s a vewy big boy because The New Day have a feud with The Bar going on and I suspect they’ll interfere and help me out a bit which will be nice of those two lovely lads. Daniel Bwyan will pwobably have something to say because he’s going to wwestle Jeffwey Hardy, and then Lana’s going to beat Billie Kay which is a cuwious booking decisions but one which I think we can all agwee is pwobably quite a good idea weally as it makes us have a new stwong woman in the division which is vewy important.

    Andwade Almas will have a vewy easy match against someone who’s name we don’t even know, which is quite a shame weally, I always like to know the names of the people I beat so I can put them in my little notebook for when I have to wwite my memoirs later on in life. I’ve alweady made a start like, about my childhood and all that, saying how gweat it is that I was born and was a magical human being fwom day one, but I do like to know names.

    AJ Styles and Nakamuwa have a contwact signing, they always end well don’t they? Or maybe it’s not a contwact signing actually, maybe it’s a little tete-a-tete – that’s Fwench for head to head, do you see what I learnt in Euwope? It was vewy lonely there so I picked up a Fwench dictionawy for a short time. I do weally miss twavelling with Bo and Curtis, they were such good fwiends to me and we had some weally fun times together in the end, even though it turns out they weren’t weally that good fwiends I still enjoyed our time together, like. Anyway, Nakamuwa will do some punching and then say he’s having a last man standing match at Money in the Bank, which is quite a positive thing I think.

    Oh, there’s still quite a lot to go here – The Club, they’re going to beat The Usos with their little bald heads which look like peas on top of a normal human body, quite a funny look is that, I once called them pea heads but I don’t think they heard me because I only whispered it vewy vewy quietly under my bweath when they had their backs turned. And then Naomi gets to win and be in Money in the Bankl for the women, that’s nice.

    Daniel Bwyan wins the main event, it says here, which I think is quite upsetting but as he’s wwestling Jeffwey Hardy it’s pwobably not that surpwising. And then Samoa Joe is going to attack him and that’ll mean that Daniel Bwyan has a third qualifier match before he can get in the ladder match, which is a bit too many I think.

    Anyway, that’s the show, like, it’s going to be a bit of an intewesting one with all the wwestling and the talking and the wunning and the fighting. I hope you like it and you’re all doing well.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  8. #8
    Word Enthusiast Steven's Avatar
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    I forgot to mention it before, but the idea of Mickie licking appletini off my chest gave me half a stalk. Bless.

    xoxo

  9. #9
    The Brain
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    No Way Jose vs Baron Corbin

    Christ.
    Haha, fucking perfect.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    I read the Raw and Smackdown results between that pair up there and Money in the Bank and, let me tell you, nothing happened. So we’re going to skip to the good stuff.



    Bearly Reviewing Money in the Bank

    We’re live from Chicago, which is probably called ‘crazy town’ or something on commentary.

    Daniel Bryan vs [name redacted]

    D-Bry wins because he’s not too bothered about being stuck in a toilet on a bus.

    Big Kev, pretty much the only consistent character on the show right now, continues his attempts to get everyone to gang up on American Hero Big Braun. The New Day tell him to do one.

    Sami Zayn vs Robert Franklin Lashley

    Why is Lashley’s finisher a standard suplex? I’m confused by this. Anyway, he wins, because he’s got bigger muscles than that little skanking ginger.

    Quick, what’s worse, Zayn losing to a regular suplex or Cesaro losing to a nine year old?

    Elias vs Seth Rollins

    ♫Elias is my name
    I win matches, I play the game,
    My rivals, all the same
    Losers, like a driverless train♫

    The hardest thing here is to tell the two apart. Do you think if we put Elias in Rollins’ gear anyone would notice?

    Seth wins, of course, he’s the champ and also the best guy on Raw.

    Women’s Money in the Bank

    Whisper it, but Naomi is kind of dope.

    Everyone lies around a lot and then Darling Alexa and her Fabulous Fartbox climb the ladder of success.

    Did anybody in the World think that the manager of BAMF would be the most successful of any current woman on the roster?

    Roman Reigns vs Jinder Mahal



    I mean.



    This happened, I guess?


    Asuka vs Carmella

    This ends with Jimmy Chinless Ellsworth returning dressed as Asuka to help Carmella win.

    Why if you’re fucking ASUKA you wouldn’t just kick this person dressed as you in the face instead of standing and looking at them until someone finally does something else, I don’t know.

    Shinsuke Nakamura vs AJ Styles

    It’s a Last Man Standing match, so within the first couple of minutes the referee starts to count after a dropkick. A dropkick! A dropkick won’t even get you a three count, even if you’re Kazuchika Okada.

    They both kick each other in the balls a lot, and then AJ wins by putting Nakamura through a table with a forearm strike. I don’t know, it sounds kind of shit.

    Ronda Rousey vs Nia Jax

    They wrestle for a bit and then Darling Alexa beats them both up with her briefcase like she’s Mongo and steals the title.

    Darling Alexa has now been champion of Raw or Smackdown for 16 months out of 18. That’s pretty fabulous, isn’t it?

    Men’s Money in the Bank

    Kofi gets picked to be the New Day person in the match, which isn’t surprising because they needed a bouncy person to compete in it.

    Braun gets ganged up on, but he barely cares. He throws Big Kev off a big ladder and then runs straight through one for fun. No, seriously, he just charges through a ladder.

    Obviously Braun wins.

    The end.




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    We’re in Michigan, which is in America, for Raw.

    Raw kicks off with the walking gaffa tape and drain pipe corpse that is Kurty Angels asking for Darling Alexa to come to the ring and have a party.

    Party Pooper Ronda Rousey turns up and poops on her party, because she has uncontrollable rage. She’s been watching Mongo tapes too so beats everyone up with a briefcase.

    Inevitably, Ronda gets suspended for 30 days. Probably to go and film a movie or something. Full-time my arse.

    Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler

    It’s the open challenge.

    Last night, Seth won by grabbing his opponent’s tights. So tonight he loses because someone grabs his tights. Storytelling!

    This means Dolph Ziggler is now the Intercontinental Champion again, for reasons.

    He’ll probably relinquish next week.

    Robert Francis Roode Jr vs Curt Hawkins

    The inevitable happens, and Curt loses.

    American Hero in the Bank Braun Strowman has a short chat with Kevin Owens, and it turns out that Big Kev will be the first person to beat Braun while he holds the briefcase, because that’s what happens with these things isn’t it?

    Sister Twister vs Rhyno & Heath Slater

    The best thing here is that The B Team turn up and impersonate Sister Twister. The rest is inconsequential.

    Constable Corbin walks in on Kurty Angels, who’s presumably having a little tug to himself backstage before this happens. Tucking himself away, he stares at the light reflecting off of the newly shaved bonce of Corbin which reminds him of the stars, or the belly of a football fan covered in lard. Anyway, they don’t like each other, what a shame.

    Jinder Mahal vs Chad Gable

    They keep up the Jinder thing for a bit longer.

    Thee Riott Squadd are big bullies.

    Thee Riott Squadd vs Sasha & Bayley

    Remember when we were all ‘hahaha, they’re going to make Sasha and Bayley split up and then give them a high profile, non-title singles match at WrestleMania which will be great’ and then they never did it?

    Someone remembered that storyline, so they now can’t coexist and are heading to have a little argument.

    Kurty Angels is all ‘I’m going to tell you who’s going to face Brock Lesnar when he next decides to come to work’ and then Roman Reigns is like ‘it’s going to be me Kurty, because I’m the bestest and also because I put up my hand first and rocked on my heels and toes to make sure you noticed me’ and then Robert Franklin Lashley is all ‘hey don’t be racists, positive discrimination isn’t favouring black people above white people it’s just favouring them as much as white people, are you a racist Kurty don’t be a racist’ and then The Revival come out for some reason and they have a match.

    The Revival vs Roman Reigns & Robert Franklin Lashley

    Deep breaths everyone. It’ll all be OK. The Revival will recover.

    Mojo Rawley vs No Way Jose

    [NR]

    ♫Elias vs Brock
    That match is a lock
    I will do a win
    Seth Rollins is my twin♫

    Finlay Balor & Braun Strowman vs Big Kev & Constable Corbin

    Constable Corbin wins, for some reason, and nothing else matters I guess.

    And that’s the end of that show, which was a bit like having sex but ejaculating right at the start and then having to keep on banging until your lass comes too, your penis becoming gradually more flaccid.




    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    I’m sowwy you haven’t found the time to wwite back to me in the last couple of weeks. I know you’ve been vewy busy, it must be vewy difficult twying to keep up with these things when you’re wunning awound after a couple of childwen and work and all that. I do weally like wwiting these letters though, so I hope you find time to wwite back again. I’ve seen the Smackdown scwipt again, so would you like to know what’s going to happen? It’s going to be a vewy good show, I think, especially now that James Ellsworth is back and cwoss dwessing as a Japanese woman. That was such a funny thing to see! I think they are going to start the show, if I wemember wightly fwom what I wead.

    Wasn’t it nice to see Chicago love Becky Lynch still? She can act like a Marlon Bwando or Sylvester Stallone, she’s weally vewy good and I liked stawwing alongside her in The Mawine 6: Close Quarters, we had weally good fun filming that and evewy so often she would come along with me when I went to photogwaph walls because she was intewested in the pointing on the corners. I don’t weally like corners, I think they’re a little bit point and pwefer a slightly more cylindwical or even a well-designed hemisphewical building with a nice curve, they’re more intewesting walls like that because stones aren’t twaditionally curvy so it’s quite an art to pwoduce a curved building out of them don’t you think? Anyway, Becky beats Billie, and then Jeffwey has some vewy mean words for Shinsuke Nakamuwa.

    Do you wemember Sanity? Well they’re going to appear and have a little fight with The Usos because they’re not vewy happy with each other and also a little bit gwumpy that it’s taken them so long to get onto the television wight now. Anyway, they didn’t weally have a match, but The Club and The Bludgeon Bwothers will have a little set to again like they did before Money in the Bank, and The Club will lose again which is a bit sad weally, they’re vewy good but just stwuggling. I think I might make them my new fwiends and see if I can bwing them some success like I did with Curtis and Bo because that was a lot of fun and I don’t weally have any fwiends here on Smackdown now.

    I’m going to be in a gauntlet match to end the show, which is going to be weally fun I think. Daniel Bwyan and Big E are starting it, so that’s fun isn’t it? They’ll do some lovely wwestling, and Bwyan is booked to win but then – uh oh! – Samoa Joe is going to enter! Watch out for your neck Daniel, Joe likes to choke people which is wather agwessive. Bwyan is going to win that one, but then I’m going to let the Bludgeon Bwothers beat him up a bit before I enter and win weally easily! Haha, Bwyan can’t touch me, I am the winner! Wusev is the last person in, and I think it would be weally nice to let him win because the cwowd weally like him and sometimes it’s good to let the cwowd have a nice man they can cheer for win a match which will be lots of fun for them and get them chewing and shouting his catchphwase.

    That will be the end of it all, I think, nothing too gweat this week but the gauntlet match should be weally, weally good, I’d wecommend you watch that one.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  11. #11
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    I am starting to feel like the SmackDown reviews are slowly becoming like that Eminem song, Stan. Please don't have Miz drive himself off a bridge.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  12. #12
    Word Enthusiast Steven's Avatar
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    I just find it interesting that the poor bastard has such a severe speech impediment that it finds its way into his spelling.

  13. #13
    Senior Member
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    Thankyou all so much for your kind feedback. We’re all glad that you can still get it up.

    As for poor little Miz, I still need to write him back. It’s weird though, I read his letters in his voice in my head. He’s had a lonely week, as The Miz, as we’ll find out a bit later on.

    Anyway, this takes us up to Extreme Rules, because I started writing it a week or two ago and then haven’t polished it off until now.




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    We’re a few weeks behind but here’s a dirty little secret – for three weeks Raw has been exactly the same, just with names and running order changed. See here:


    25th June
    Segment 1: Bobby Lashley and Roman Reigns, who want to fight each other, have a discussion about wanting to fight each other. They end up fighting each other.

    Segment 2: The Revival have a tag match with Roman Reigns and Bobby Lashley, and Roman and Bobby don’t get along.

    Segment 3: Matt Hardy wrestled Curtis Axel. Curtis won.

    Segment 4: The Authors of Pain won a match easily.

    Segment 5: Darling Alexa talks and then loses a match to Natalya, with Drunk Aunt at ringside, after Nia Jax interferes.

    Segment 6: Bayley and Sasha are having a falling out. Also, Ember Moon fights some or all of Thee Riott Squadd.

    Segment 7: No Way Jose wrestled Mojo Rawley.

    Segment 8: American Hero Braun Strowman and Big Kev don’t like each other, and neither do Finn Balor and Constable Corbin.

    Segment 9: Seth Rollins and Ziglintyre don’t get along. Somehow this also involves Roman Reigns


    2nd July
    Segment 1: Seth Rollins and Ziglintyre don’t get along. Somehow this also involves Roman Reigns

    Segment 2: Matt Hardy wrestled Curtis Axel. Curtis won.

    Segment 3: Bayley and Sasha are having a falling out.

    Segment 4: The Authors of Pain won a match easily.

    Segment 5: Seth Rollins and Ziglintyre don’t get along. Somehow this also involves Roman Reigns

    Segment 6: Finn Balor and Constable Corbin don’t like each other.

    Segment 7: Ember Moon fights some or all of Thee Riott Squadd.

    Segment 8: The Revival have a tag match with Roman Reigns and Bobby Lashley, and Roman and Bobby don’t get along.

    Segment 9: No Way Jose wrestled Mojo Rawley.

    Segment 10: Drunk Aunt talks and then loses a match to Nia Jax, with Darling Alexa at ringside, after Natalya interferes.

    Segment 11: American Hero Braun Strowman and Big Kev don’t like each other.


    9th July
    Segment 1: Raw starts with Bobby Lashley and Roman Reigns, who want to fight each other, having a discussion about wanting to fight each other. They end up fighting each other.

    Segment 2: Drunk Aunt and Darling Alexa talk, then lose a match to Nia Jax and Natalya.

    Segment 3: No Way Jose wrestled Mojo Rawley.

    Segment 4: Seth Rollins and Ziglintyre don’t get along. Somehow this doesn’t involve Roman Reigns

    Segment 5: Matt Hardy wrestled Bo Dallas. Bo won.

    Segment 6: Ember Moon fights some or all of Thee Riott Squadd.

    Segment 7: Finn Balor and Constable Corbin don’t like each other.

    Segment 8: Seth Rollins and Ziglintyre don’t get along. Somehow this doesn’t involve Roman Reigns


    N/A: The Authors of Pain weren’t actually on the show.


    *shrug*



    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    It’s been quite a while since I wwote last. How have you been? I’ve kept the letter you sent me last time, I thought you weren’t going to wwite back so it was lovely to weceive such a nicely typed wesponse, and vewy thoughtful of you to include a wattle for Monwoe as well. She loves it! We shake it at her, Mawyse and I, and watch here giggle back. It’s a weally lovely wattle.

    We’ve done lots of lovely things on Smackdown wecently. I’ve even got to wun my mouth at that tweachewous turd Daniel Bwyan, which has been weally enjoyable. He’s such a loser! What a wussy. The Bludgeon Bwothers have been having quite a little funk about him intewwupting them that one time so they kept beating him up, but then his old fwiend Kane came back, which nobody saw coming at all, and they weunited with a hug, the little softies. I hope Harper and Wowan bweak them in two and Extrweme Wules, the only night of the year where WWE goes Extweme!

    And Wusev gets to have a little title shot and AJ Styles there too, which is wonderful, he weally deserves it after all the work he’s been putting in wecently. He and Aiden English make a wonderful paiwing, don’t you think? I think they’re weally good together, like caviar and champagne or an enema and anal sex.

    Becky Lynch has been doing weally well as well, she keeps winning which I think is a weally nice thing for her to be doing, wins and losses matter, you know, even if sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. She’s beaten pwetty much evewyone now, weally, Peyton Woyce and Billie Kay and Sonya Deville. Did you know she is a lesbian, Sonya Deville? It’s weally cool to see WWE have someone else openly gay on the woster, especially since Dawwen Young was a bit shitty and nobody weally liked him at all.

    And I got to wwestle for the United States Championship against one of my vewy special idols Jeffwey Hardy! I wemember a young Miz watching him wwestle and jump off ladders, and I never thought I would be in the wing with him but I was wwong! It made me vewy happy, even though I did lose which was a weal shame.

    We had a little bit of intergender wwestling too, when Asuka beat James Elsworth vewy comfortably weally. She even got to punch him two weeks in a wow, which was lovely, and now he’s going to be squashed in one of those tiny little cages above the wing for Extweme Wules. It would suck to be in one of those! Makes me all claustwophobic just looking at it!

    I think that’s evewything that’s weally happened that is significant in the past few weeks, like. They sent out a search party for Andwade Almas and found him cwying into a lucha libwe mask. I said to him ‘don’t wowwy Andwade, I know the film Coco starts sad but it ends vewy nicely in the end if you give it a chance’. He looked at me quizzically, I don’t think I quite got the wight end of the stick to be honest with you but he can be a vewy hard person to wead, not least because he isn’t made out of paper and ink like a book but muscle and blood like a human. People are complicated.

    Hope you’re well, and weally enjoying the summer weather.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  14. #14
    The Brain
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    I think it's very justified that the Miz gets more time than the rest of the WWE roster combined.

  15. #15
    Senior Member
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    Many thanks to our one reader, mizfan, who we truly appreciate and love. We’re a few weeks behind and I’m not making promises, but hopefully we can catch up by SummerSlam and be on track then. We’re not like these people who just take months on end away or anything.




    Bearly Reviewing Extreme Rules

    It’s the one night of the year where the WWE roster gets extreme! Except for, like, when people get thrown off of ladders at Money in the Bank or whatever.

    The rules? There are no rules! Except the regular rules. And then the extra rules on top of that, like ‘you can also escape this cage to win’ or ‘you can use weapons but only if they are made out of at least 90% recyclable material’. That last one’s just a bog roll match.

    Sister Twister vs The B Team

    Old Man Tito probably had a little cry because the tag champs entered first. FINGER OF SHAME… to WWE for that. If they don’t RESPECT the tag title we’ll never retire and continue to COMPLAIN into the empty vacuum that is the internet for another 20 years.

    The B Team win, which is rather pleasant.

    Finn Balor vs The YoungerTaker

    I’m bringing it back.

    For some reason Finn enters riding a peacock. The bird spreads it’s wings wide and shows off all the pretty colours it has, like a tie dye t-shirt or perhaps and rainbow. Big Bad Baz doesn’t have time for that nonsense so snaps it’s neck, the big meanie.

    Finn wins by rolling him up, I presume in some spare carpet he had just lying around.

    The Bludgeon Brothers attack people with their big big hammers, like Timmy Mallet on a Saturday morning. Kane gets hurt, the poor boy.

    Asuka vs Carmella

    Years ago, Triple H accidentally ordered ten shark cages instead of just one for a match. So now, whenever there’s a match without a stipulation, a shark cage is added just to use them up.

    This one has Chinny Ellsworth in it. He causes some trouble, and that makes Asuka lose.

    Weird to think that three months ago she was basically the hottest property in WWE, isn’t it?

    Shinsuke Nakamura vs Brother Jeffrey

    ‘You must renounce the evils of the devil, the red sun country you come from will not be your salvation for only the Lord and Saviour can stop your descent into the fires of hell, Shinsuke! You must repent your sins, leave your clothes and your motorcycle and wear instead the humble robes of the monastery to centre yourself once again!’

    Nakamura punches him in the dick.

    Randall Keith Orton then returns and also punches him in the dick.

    KingSnake, dick punchers in charge.

    American Hero Braun Strowman vs Kevin Owens

    Because he doesn’t understand the rules, American Hero Braun Strowman throws Big Kev out of the cage. This means Big Kev wins, and Big Braun looks stupid. Could have just thrown him into the ring, like.

    The Bludgeon Brothers vs Whatever’s Left of Team Hell No

    Turns out it’s just Daniel Bryan on his own. If I were looking force a column out of myself every week, like perhaps a constipated man might do with his own excrement, I’d probably just jump up and down and say that nobody cares about Daniel Bryan within WWE. It’s cheap clicks, isn’t it? Don’t even need to think about it ‘oooh the internet’s darling Daniel Bryan is being misused…’ ‘OMG yes Oliver, he is so misyoused you r doing really good at riting colums pls keep doin it so I can keep comentin!’.

    Fucking easy.

    Team Hell No loses then has a little cuddle.

    Damp Cardboard vs Extremely Wet Cardboard

    They hit each other and become papier mache.

    Damp Cardboard wins, but Extremely Wet Cardboard will doubtless get his win back in a couple of weeks with something more important on the line.

    Darling Alexa vs Nia Jax

    To recap, Nia Jax spent three months saying she wasn’t a bully, only to win the title then act like a bully towards Ronda Rousey and injure her Extremely Close and Very Important Friend Natalya deliberately in a match. Then she lost the title and now she is again Not A Bully and friends with the person that she injured and showed no remorse about.

    Anyway, Natalya gets into trouble and this make her Extremely Close and Much Much More Important Friend Ronda Rousey start throwing Drunk Aunt around. Darling Alexa gives precisely zero shits and wins the match.

    Her pert little bottom makes Ronda stare.

    AJ Styles vs Rusev

    ‘I’m Phenomenal!’
    ‘Rusev Day!’
    ‘Rusev Day is Phenomenal!’
    ‘Phenomenal is Rusev Day!’
    ‘We could have a Phenomenal match!’
    ‘And it will be on Rusev Day!’

    This goes on for twenty minutes.

    Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler

    Everyone in the crowd is tired by this point in time so they start trying to count sheep instead of watching.

    They pin each other a lot in 30 minutes, as if their previous match didn’t last half an hour without a clear winner and no falls at all.

    Dolph wins in the end, which must be quite nice for him given his current position near his ceiling.

    And that’s a pay per view in 2018! A real one!




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw starts with old men talking. A lot of people turn up in the ring, one of whom is Roman Reigns and another one is Robert Franklin Lashley. Kurty Angels puts the pair of them in separate triple threat matches that they can win so they get to fight each other again.

    Roman Reigns vs Finn Balor vs Drew McIntyre
    They all Face Off, which is a bit terrifying. I didn’t like the Nicholas Cage film where that happened. Doing it as the opening to Raw seems a bit rough. Drew gets Finn’s face in the swap and looks like a giant hairy baby.

    Roman wins, because he is the biggest and the best. Ultimately, nothing else matters *Metallica face*

    Bayley and Sasha are friends again, but also not friends anymore, but might be friends again. I don’t know, they’ve spent seven months doing this to basically still be on day one.

    Robert Francis Roode Jr vs Kurt Russel

    Kurt wins and then clutches his Intercontinental Championship against his balls.

    Tyler Breeze vs Mojo Rawley

    I don’t even know.

    Dana Brooke & Alicia Fox vs Sasha Banks & Bayley

    This one ends because of the old Raw classic too much wrestling. Oh no, you have completed too many perfectly legal moves!’ shouts the referee.

    Sasha and Bayley then have a short conversation about their mutual distrust of each other but also that they love each other. They might be friends! They might not! Let’s hope it doesn’t take another half a year to sort this out!

    The B Team vs The Ascension

    Guess.

    Darling Alexa gets beaten up by Ronda Rousey. Ronda ends up getting suspended some more because she keeps breaking the law. To show her that he really means business about punishing her, Kurty gives her a title match at Summerslam. Wait, what?

    I’m bored just reading this.

    The Authors of Pain beat Titus Worldwide. They’ll probably keep doing that for a while.

    Ember Moon lost.

    Robert Franklin Lashley won his triple threat so basically the main event of Extreme Rules, which was a match between him and Roman and had ‘number one contendership implications’ has now been completely retconned. I don’t know what I expected, nothing really matters *Madonna face*





    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    It’s been a weally fascinating time on Smackdown wecently, like that bwick wall I saw in London a few weeks ago. It was wed bwick and the pointing on it was fwesh, like it had just been neatened up and weady to be pwesentable. A weally beautiful bwick wall, that was. I’m glad they’d done some lovely work with it.

    Jeffwey is starting Smackdown again, and I suspect he’ll be vewy angwy about being kicked in the testicles so much wecently. He’s going to have a wematch for the United States championship but guess what? Wandy Orton is weally gwumpy and pwobably going to have some to say about it! He wants to fight Shinsuke as to who is the best bollock knocker in the business, and only one of them can survive. Who is the best puncher of willies? Who knows! Tune in to Smackdown to find out!

    I’m actually on the wun fwom Daniel Bwyan, so I mustn’t be too long wwiting this even though I am vewy funny. He’s quite angwy about the whole Talking Smack thing, it seems, poor guy, he just can’t handle that I’ve vewy vewy awesome and he isn’t. Anyway, I don’t like it, but he’s going to bweak up my little eulogy for his tag team.

    There’s some other stuff on the show but I weally do have to go, it’s vewy cwamped in this wardwobe I’m hiding in and I need to facetime with Mawyse and Monwoe before I go to the wing. Do you think Andwade Almas is vewy good at pwofessional wwestling? He’s having a match with AJ Styles later, I might actually watch it because it could be quite an intewesting little bout. Becky Lynch is still doing weally well, and Samoa Joe looks vewy stwong. And what’s an Ewic Young?

    Hope you’re well.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  16. #16
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    It is a bad sign for WWE that I couldn't remember who was in the Wet carboard vs Damp cardboard match.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  17. #17
    Senior Member
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    Your continued support warms our collective cold hearts, young Zak. May you get all your Christmas wishes. Now. In August.

    In fairness, that pay per view was, like, three weeks ago and nobody really cared about it then, let alone now. Because nothing that happened on it meant anything.

    Anyway, back once again like a renegade master, D4 damager with the ill behaviour.




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw starts with Den Mother Stephanie McMahon announcing that there’s going to be a 50 women pay per view. Insert your own hotel porn joke here.

    Sister Twister vs The B Team

    FINGER OF PRAISE to WWE for making the champions come out SECOND, like it matters in this soap opera.

    Everyone has brought a picnic. Curtis has a glut of sandwiches with all different fillings, Bo brought some fresh juice, Broken Matt Hardy baked a lovely Victoria sponge and Bray has some alligator steaks and a barbecue. They all get on really well, and the referee doesn’t know what to do.

    Big Bully Baz has got Little Finlay a wendy house as a present. What a lovely man.

    It turns out that Bayley has pledged allegiance to Putin and, with Sasha at her side and Zoya the Destroyer as their manager, they are set to spread the empire of Russia across the globe.

    The Russians vs Some Jabronis

    ‘This is for our motherland!’ scream The Russians as they decapitate their opponents with their new finishing move, the double sickle clothesline. ‘Nobody can stop the spread of Putin, not even puny tariffs or minor issue of electronic voting booth. He has finger in American pie hole. You will soon feel his spread over you’ says Bayley, which to be honest sounds like something that might happen in a Moscow hotel room.

    American Hero Braun Strowman doesn’t really like anyone. Also apparently Jinder is now playing a spiritual guru and is played by Mike Myers.

    Tyler Breeze vs Mojo Rawley

    I don’t even know.

    Drunk Aunt vs Ronda Rousey’s Extremely Close Personal Friend And Confidante Natalya

    ‘Ah’ve left tha kids at home and ma pool boy Julio and I are gonna have frozen margs for lunch, whaddya gonna do about it Natalya?’ howls Drunk Aunt as she totters to the ring in high thigh boots and a bikini, fingering Julio’s tie between her thumb and forefinger. She spills her margarita getting into the ring, and Nattie slips over on it and knocks herself out, giving Drunk Aunt her very first win on Raw in about a year or so.

    Big Kev books himself into a match with Big Braun at Big SummerSlam after Big Baz has a Big Word with Big Stephanie.

    Unfortunately that means the thrilling Bobby Roode vs An Actual Paper Bag match will now be on the pre-show.

    Mojo Rawley vs Tyler Breeze

    I miss Tyler being and feeling really important.

    Mojo wins and stands tall, atop a phone book.

    Finn Balor vs Drew McIntyre

    Do you remember in the 90s, when they were going up against Nitro, and Raw would always be like ‘we don’t DO bait and switches, bait and switches are for OLD MEN who whine on the INNERNET, Maggle!’ and then literally every match in the Attitude Era had a bait and switch ending?

    This has one too. Worthless Son Of A Bitch Dolph Ziggler interferes, the Ghost of Theodore Long inhabits Kurty Angels for long enough to make it a tag team match, playa, and then ‘the challenger has pinned the champion!’ happens while Michael Cole gets his bellend tattooed by Corey Grave so it looks like a yawning cat when he gets an erection.

    Ember Moon vs Livv Morgann

    Ember wins, LOL.

    My Chrome says that Sethy Baby can continue being this generation’s Bret with an Intercontinental Championship match at SummerSlam.

    Robert Franklin Lashley vs Romaine Reigns

    Roman’s new gimmick is that he’s a different salad vegetable ever week. Here, he’s dressed as a lettuce, but has also been trapped inside the plastic bag by CJ Parker to reinforce the threat of plastic packaging to our ocean animals.

    Somehow he still wins.

    This means he gets to face living mutant Brock Lesnar at Summering Slamming, which is a big shock to everyone.




    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    I’ve not heard fwom you for a while now. Are you OK? I wowwy a little when I don’t hear fwom my good fwiends. I’ve been vewy busy but you’re on my mind, hope the kids are well, Monwoe is gwowing up so fast, she can sit now and it’s vewy amazing to see her gwow and learn. And I got a new limousine! I had it dwiven in to Smackdown with Mawyse, wight at the start of the show, I think that’s a vewy special intwoduction to the show, don’t you? And they’re launching our new show tonight, Miz & Mrs, which is on the USA Network evewy week. Tune in! It’ll be a nice time, weally lovely.

    Wandy is still vewy gwumpy. I saw him backstage eating macawoni cheese vewy agwessively, weally spiking the curls with sewious venom. Ha! Geddit? Because he’s a snake! Anyway, I don’t think he’s vewy happy about the fans being not vewy keen on him anymore, because he’s been working vewy hard for a long time and not get enough wespect. It’s twue! Nobody likes Wandy, he’s wather boring and he’s been awound for so long now I don’t think people are weally that bothered about him. That’s all put him in quite a fuffewy buffewy, so he’s wather angwy about it all.

    Wusev and Andwade have another match, I think they’re going to have matches most weeks weally, Aiden English keep causing twouble for his fwiends and that’s making a lot of pwoblems for them all, weally, all of Wusev Day. Hopefully they can all make up soon, they’re so good together, such a wonderful team. R-Twuth exists, he’s going to get beaten by Samoa Joe, I think most people would get beaten by him, he’s vewy stwong and weally like Big Macs. Ha! He’s fat! It’s funny because he’s oversized! Oh man, I make myself laugh a lot.

    Billie Kay, there’s one of the IIconics, she’s going to get beaten up by Asuka because Asuka is weally good at this wwestling thing, almost as good as me! And then Paige is going to have a little chat with AJ Styles, the champion. Oooh, I want that Championship so much! It’s Championship hunting season! For some weason I think James Ellsworth is going to come out and interfere then get fired, but then Samoa Joe will attack AJ so he still has a SummerSlam opponent. I wish it was me, though!

    Becky Lynch gets a win over Carmella which means she now gets to perform at SummerSlam. There’s lovely. She weally deserves that, well earnt all wound I think. And then the New Day beating Sanity, that sounds like a vewy exciting match, I weally like that Alexander Wolfe man, he looks vewy, vewy good and he once did a wwestle with a big hole in his skull which is bwave, much bwaver than that coward Daniel Bwyan who wouldn’t even wwestle when he thought his bwains might fall out of his ear and then is pwobably planning to be a Sneaky McSneakerson and attack me tonight. But fear not, I’ve got local secuwity employed. He’ll never make it past them! This is a foolpwoof plan!

    Please do wwite soon, I miss your missives on life in Northern England. It’s such a foweign land to me, where they put spice on their chips and have gwavy wather than ketchup. How stwange!

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  18. #18
    Your brilliant Miz stories just gave me an inspiration - remember back in CSI, where some of the entrants had to write an entire column without using one letter whatsoever? If somebody had thought to pay homage to your Elmer Fudd-ized Miz, and omitted "r"s for "w"s outright, what a stroke of genius that could've been! Full marks.

    Keep up the good work!

  19. #19
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    I would love to see Mike Myers play Jinder Mahal.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  20. #20
    Senior Member
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    Catching up, you know, very important to do some catching up.




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw starts with Old People talking. It’s really nice to be back in the warm, comforting bosom of the old people. Roman Reigns says ‘bitch’ and everyone goes ‘ooh, what a naughty boy!’ Somewhere in Blackpool an old lady started to swing wildly with her handbag unprompted. In Australia someone spat Fosters out in a fountain over the Opera House. In Texas a man spat tobacco into a bucket so hard it made a hole.

    Finlay Balor vs Big Baz Corbin

    ‘Ooh, look at you, little Finlay Balor, flitting around like a French Fancy, all soft and little with a bit of painting on for decoration. I bet you’re a right French Fancy, y’know what I’m saying? You’re a homosexual. I’m saying you’re a homosexual, Finlay, does that make you angry? Does it? Why don’t you fight me! Come on then!’

    Big Baz wins and then raids a local Mr Kipling factory.

    Important Brock Lesnar update: He’s reading the Backwoodsman and couldn’t give a shit. This is how I also approach watching Raw. It’s really nice to have a man of the people to cheer for. He can’t really be arsed to do anything, and apparently that means Paul E Dangerously will be out on his backside. Sorry Paul!

    Ronda Rousey’s Extremely Good But Very Much Less Important And Ultimately Sacrificial Friend Natalya vs Alicia Fox

    Halfway through, Alicia stops and turns this into a karaoke contest, delivering a stirring rendition of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’ that absolutely wipes the floor with Natalya’s tuneless version of ‘My Heart Will Go On’.

    She then attacks Ronda and gets the better of her, which probably doesn’t end well.

    Elias sings a lovely song from his latest EP and then gets attacked by the coward Robert Franklin Lashley.

    American Hero Braun Strowman vs Jinder Mahal

    The fascinating thing about making Braun Mr Money in the Bank is that, after years of only booking the briefcase holder to lose, creative now have to find ways to make him lose that aren’t really losing.

    So here he loses by count out because Kevin Owens engages in a fun game of tag with him at ringside, which distracts him for long enough to forget how to count to ten.

    It appears that Robert Francis Roode Jr and Mojo Rawley are set to ‘feud’ over who could be less interesting.

    Akam vs Apollo Crews

    It says here that Apollo wins with a roll up, but that can’t be right.

    Afterwards, Akam rolls out the scroll again and writes upon it, a single tear falling from his eye. He turns the page to the crowd. It just says ‘pain’.

    Drew McIntyre vs Seth Rollins

    ‘Guid day, skinny litte cheil! Ah hear yoo're crossfit jesus but Ah reckon yoo're mair loch crossfit kneesless wi' yer recent injuries! Gie th' buck it ay mah rin', aam big an' hairy an' yoo'll ne'er beat me!’

    Seth wins by disqualification when Dolph Ziggler realises he can use his all new Legolas hair to whip him with from about ten yards away.

    The Man With The Wettest Hair gets removed from the building so that he doesn’t attack Brock Lesnar and embarrass himself again.

    Turns out that The B Team are more of an A Team, like that Ed Sheeran song about Greggs cheese and bean melts. The Revival want to be the A Team, though, because they don’t pity no fools or whatever. This all leads to some wrestling.

    The Revival vs Sister Twister

    The Revival win, which probably means something.

    Seriously though, give me these two Arn Anderson-esque motherfuckers just trucking guys hard for weeks on end as tag champions. Then reunite American Alpha, and move over The Usos from Smackdown, and have them wrestle each other for 6-9 months.

    This booking stuff is easy.

    Seth Rollins gets attacked because he doesn’t have any fit and healthy friends who still care about him and their history. If only he had an injured friend who was due to return.

    Thee Riott Squadd vs The Russians

    ‘This one is for Patio Town, Putin’s western puppet collecting data on all of you filthy American scum! You will never stop him, he has credit card details and is already planning to create friction between beer drenched American man and wife by faking charges for prostitutes on card. What will wife do when you cannot pay after eating at Garden of Olives now? You will be stuck with only breadsticks and free tap water! It will be hilarious!’ says Zoya from ringside.

    The distraction causes Thee Riott Squadd to lose the match, the buffoons.

    Sasha Banksonovic, Bayley Vasiliev and Zoya stand tall. ‘The Russian Eagle is hovering high! Our Motherland’s tricolour has lead us to victory once again!’ scream Vasiliev, as Sasha grins widely.

    The main event is a talky bit. Brock Lesnar beats up an old man with no neck and Paul Heyman, which seems rather unkind, truth be told.




    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    It’s all happening on Smackdown! I can’t believe you’re not fascinated by all of this, but I wegard your wadio silence as a bit concerning. I would weally like it if you wwote back to me one day soon, because I weally miss heawing about you and your family, as well as how life is in Northern England.

    But look at the Blue Bwand thwiving since I cam over in the dwaft! Weally I am dwiving the boom in the show, a weal focal point. Watching evewyone else up their levels awound me, the weal star of Smackdown, is weally wewarding and exciting for me. I’m just so enjoying working with these talented people.

    Look at Becky Lynch. She couldn’t even went a victowy before I turned up, and now she is a vewy competent wwestler with a title shot at SummerSlam, and starting things off on the show this week. It’s weally intewesting to hear Carmella speak on what a weally wonderful person Becky was to her in NXT, it seems they actually have a wather lovely welationship behind the scenes. Of course, Carmella is weally a bit cheeky so she’ll punch Becky in the face, but that will just bwing out Charlotte Flair to attack her! Charlotte has had a little bit too much handed to her, I think, and she gets another one here as our tewwific Genewal Manager Paige will tell her to beat Carmella to have a title show. A bit harsh when you consider Becky had to weally work to get that title shot and evewything, Anyway, she’ll win in the main event, she always does.

    We’ve got a weally fabulous tag team tournament going on at the moment, and this week the little whiteboard backstage says The Bar are going to beat The Usos for their chance. That’s good! I weally like Cesawo’s little bald head, sometimes I dwum my fingers on it like a little man playing a lovely bongo dwum in the jungle or the desert. He weally doesn’t mind, he calls me the little dwummer boy.

    Samoa Joe is vewy anngwy. I talked to him backstage tonight and he said that AJ Styles is not a vewy good daddy, unlike me and you Oliver, we are vewy good fathers to our childwen and would never put our work before their happiness. I think that’s qquite upsetting, actually, absent fathers and all that, it’s not weally vewy nice and must be difficult for childwen to gwow up without their daddy awound. It’s why I like to Facetime Monwoe evewy night after a show. I sing her a little song as she suckles on Mawyse’s little nipple and dozes off to bed.

    I think Jeffwey Hardy is getting a bit pawanoid, he keeps looking behind him, and jumps at the words ‘sushi’ and ‘snake’. I know Shinsuke and Wandy have been attacking him wecently, but I think he should maybe just chill out a little bit and unwind. It’s not like those two can appear out of nowhere, is it? And I hear also that Lana and Zelina Vega are going to do a wwestle, which might get some pulses wacing. I do hope poor old Aiden English doesn’t do a whoopsy again, it would be most fwustwating for him to keep costing his good fwiends their matches.

    That low down dirty bastard Daniel Bwyan gets to do some talking and he’s going to talk about me. Oooh, I hate him, I weally do. He’s such a wascal, I just want to lamp him one. He puts me in a wight gwump, especially as he now is nothing to me and I have my on weality TV show. I’m the famous one! Me! I should be main eventing WwestleMania, I should be fwont and centre of Smackdown, and I should be the number one man in Sports Entertainment! Not Daniel Bwyan the cwybaby, he can go back to the bingo halls and Tokyo Domes for all I care, what’s he ever done without my help? Nothing! None of this would be possible for him if it wasn’t for me!

    Oooh, I’m weally angwy now. Sowwy to end this on such a dour note, Oliver, It’s weally vewy tough when you don’t feel you get the appweciation you weally deserve and work vewy vewy hard for.

    Wwite soon, please,

    The Miz’




    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    Raw starts with, you guessed it, Old People talking. Never leave, old people. Some younger people interrupt and they all say ‘bitch’ because they are immense cool.

    Roaming Reigns vs Big Baz Corbin

    Roaming Reigns, being a wanderer, has now grown a full beard and not shaved for six months. He looks like a homeless person, only one with good cheekbones.

    Of course, he wins, but only after Lil Finlay Balor does some intimidating walking because Big Baz called him a homosexual last week, and the only person he’s gay for is Alex Wright.

    Robert Francis Roode Jr vs Mojo Rawley

    Do you think that, somewhere in the afterlife, Aretha Franklin is jamming with, like, Marvin Gaye and Ice Cube?

    Shit, Ice Cube’s not the dead one, is he? Eazy-E? I think I mean Eazy-E.

    Anyway, ponder that instead of watching this.

    Elias, who must be a multi-platinum singer-songwriter by now, or at least should be, gets ruthlessly attacked by the coward Robert Franklin Lashley.

    Rezar vs Titus O’Neil

    Inevitably, Rezar wins because he’s big and strong, whereas Titus is big and wrong.

    Afterwards, it’s Rezar’s turn to write in the book. He scribbles something and then turns it to the audience, as Akam watches in anticipation. It just says ‘pain’.

    Big Kev does a talkshow thingy with Jinder the Guru. As his spiritual adviser, he tells him not to eat so many Pop Tarts and to instead approach life with a high protein, low carb diet and to install treat days into his meal schedule. Jinder refuses to use the term ‘cheat days’ as he feels it’s too negative.

    All this takes place on a stage that has been specifically put there for Big Braun to flip over. Like, it’s not even a regular bit of stage that Raw has, it’s an entirely separate new bit that’s been built from balsa wood and sticky tape.

    Big Braun flips it over.

    American Hero Braun Strowman vs Jinder Mahal

    To continue the ‘the MitB contract holder must always lose but Braun Strowman must never really lose’ tactic, Braun loses by count out because he’s a bit silly, really.

    Drew McIntyre & Legolas vs Seth Rollins

    ‘Ah see yoo're aw oan yer ain it haur coz Roman Reigns didne turn up. Weel it looks loch yoo're gonnae gie a beatin' frae me an' thes wee elf cheil alongside me, sae buckle up sunshine an' tak' a beatin'!’

    Because sometimes logic does prevail, Seth loses to two men.

    The Revival vs The B Team

    Nobody wins, but apparently now Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt can just teleport in and replace people.

    Paul E Dangerously should get a damned Emmy for outstanding services to entertainment or something because he does a damned beautiful interview.

    Thee Riott Squadd vs The Russians

    ‘You are disgrace, you miserable emo girls. What do you do backstage, sit and cry to MCR and think about wrist slitting, no? Have you ever looked in mirror and seen self? Oh, mirror make you scared, does it? You dislike own reflection? Maybe you should go and find solitude in sad little boys with guitars crying that mother never loved them, huh? Our mother has always loved us as our mother is the Motherland and our father is Putin, a man so full of love he spreads it over us like a painter decorating a fence or perhaps a small shed from Patio Town!’

    Somebody in a hoodie turns up. It’s Rubyy Riott, who’s been injured and I didn’t even realise. Anyway, she cause some trouble and that’s just about enough to make Sasha fall on her back and get pinned.

    Afterwards, a distraught Sasha breaks down in the ring. ‘I have failed him! I have failed Putin! This will not stand, we must not look weak against useless American scum, only strong survive in harshest of Siberian winters! I am not strong enough! I do not deserve his love spread over me!’ Bayley cuddles her comrade in arms and escorts her backstage.

    Ronda Rousey vs Alicia Fox

    I heard that there are now new rules available for the women on Raw. It’s essentially the case that whenever Ronda Rousey isn’t there people should be asking ‘where is Ronda Rousey?’ and when she is there she is the most important person.

    Unless Den Mother Stephanie comes by to check on her chicks again, of course.

    Anyway, Ronda wins because when was the last time Alicia Fox did anything important?




    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    That little shithead Daniel Bwyan came on my set, on my show, and he punched me! The weak little wapscallion. I tell you now, I’m going to get my wevenge on him in the best way possible and make his life a living misewy, and I started by smashing in the head with a wather lovely vase. That was a wedding gift from Mawyse’s mother, and she’s now weally upset about it, and it’s all Daniel Bwyan’s fault! Just wait to I get my hands on him, I’m going to gwind him into the dirt like the insect he is!

    Ooh, that Wandy Orton has become a wight little bully! He’s out here slagging evewyone off, all these people that come to watch me and the west of the Smackdown woster work so hard. We do work weally hard! And he’s just a big mean bag pooping baddy. I don’t like him, no sir, not one bit. Oooh, I would love to get my hands on him and give him some woughing up. He’s being vewy mean to Jeffwey as well, I hope they can make up and get along soon, it would be weally nice.

    Charlotte and Becky, well they’re a weally odd paiwing, almost a bit of fwiction between them when I saw them backstage earlier. I think Becky was after the mashed potato but Charlotte managed to push in line and got the last serving – vewy wude! Anyway, they have to pull it together, because tonight they’re going to win against the IIconics. I do like that Peyton Woyce, though, she’s a vewy good wwestler and I would love to wwestle with her too.

    AJ’s going to do a little tiny talky bit about how he’s going to win at SummerSlam, which is wather a nice goal for him, and then Lana is going to lose to Zelina Vega. Aiden English is not doing a vewy good job of helping them out at all wight now, I wonder if he might be cut loose. I could do with a good wight hand man to go with my left hand lady, Mawyse.

    That R-Twuth – he’s such a funny man! He thinks he can get a title shot by pinning Carmella! What a gweat joke that is. I hope they tell that one evewy single week until we get completely bored of it and weally want it to go away. He’s going to lose to that lovely Japanese man Shinsuke Nakamuwa tonight, which means he pwobably won’t get a title shot anyway because he can’t beat the champion to earn a title shot. That’s just how it works awound here, I’m afwaid Mr Twuth.

    I think it’s all ending tonight with some tag team action, which is vewy exciting indeed. First the Bludgeon Bwothers will make it a win against some other guys who I don’t know and don’t care to know, and then the New Day will emerge victowious over the Bar to get a title shot at Summerslam, which is vewy nice for them indeed. I think that will be wather good news for the New Day, I hope they do some clapping and bwing some pancakes to their victowy party. I do so like clapping and pancakes.

    I know you haven’t had time to wwite for a while, so I do hope you are OK. It’s weird that you’re not wwiting, have I done something wwong? I just want to know you’re OK. I just miss you, is all, it’s been too long, can you come back and wwite to me, please?

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  21. #21
    The Brain
    Join Date
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    I would like to commend you on your very authentic and in no way exaggerated depiction of Drew McIntyre's manner of speaking.

    If this is all leading to Sasha teaming up with Zoya the Destroya, I will be very happy.

    Write the poor Miz back, for god's sake. Can't you see he loves you??

  22. #22
    Senior Member
    Join Date
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    525
    Shit, I thought that took us up to SummerSlam but it didn’t and we missed a week.

    Pretend there was another review where not much happened, Roman Reigns said ‘bitch’ a couple of times, Nakamura punched someone in the balls, Dean Ambrose returned looking like the son of Triple H and Chyna, and Samoa Joe fucked AJ Styles’ wife.




    Bearly Reviewing SummerSlam

    CONFESSION – we watched the whole damn show including the pre-show because baseball is just cricket for pussies.

    Rusev & Lana vs Andrade Almas & Zelina Vega

    I want Almas and Vega to have a spin off telenovela where they’re space robots of the future who are in love but also cannot be together because one has an Android operating system and the other has iOS.

    Andrade: I love you, Zelina!
    Zelina: And I love you too, Andrade. But…we can never be together.
    Andrade: You think we cannot coexist because of how our families differ, but look!
    Zelina: Is that…is that a USB-C to Lightning cable?!?
    Andrade: Yes, it is Zelina – and now we can properly interface together.
    Zelina: But Steve Jobs Jr said…
    Andrade: To hell with Steve Jobs Jr! I love you Zelina, and love is all that matters!
    Zelina: Oh Andrade!

    Zelina swoons into Andrade’s arms, and he catches her. Leaning in, he plants a delicate kiss on her lips as behind them the sun sets on another day on Earth-2. As the camera pans up into the air, the sun setting, we see the faint silhouette of a man approaching…

    They win, which…is OK, I guess. Can we get a ten minute Rusev vs Almas match, please?

    Drew Gulak vs Cedric Alexander

    Full ranking of wrestling Drew’s:

    1. Drew Gulak
    2. Drew Carey
    3. Mark AnDREWs
    4. Drew Barrymore in the film Whip It, which has enough contact in to consider Roller Derby wrestling adjacent as a sport.
    5. Everyone else with the name Drew that has ever had a fight
    6. Drew McIntyre

    Cedric wins, LOL. It’s weird that he’s had that title since WrestleMania and yet only defended it four times and didn’t even wrestle on TV for about six weeks at one point.

    The Revival vs The B Team

    Because they’re Top Guys, The Revival lose when Bo falls into them like ‘London Bridge’ did in that Fergie song.

    They’ll probably end up having a rematch.

    Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler

    ‘Och yoo're back ur ye seth, an' Ah see yoo've got yer boyfriend wi' ye an' he's lookin' aw fancy an' 'at. Weel swatch haur, when Ah bit heem in his bonnie wee coopon he willnae ken if he's comin' ur gonnae. There's only sae much muscles can sae ye, ye ken, an' aam jist plain bigger than th' pair ay ye!’

    They wrestle for quite a while without really doing anything but then everything picks up in the last few minutes and Seth wins thanks to his good friend and someone who is definitely not going to cause him personal injury or trouble in a couple of weeks.

    The New Day vs The Bludgeon Brothers

    This is really good, because it has Big E in it and he’s going to be a star. New Day don’t win, though, because Rowan grabs Timmy Mallet and pokes people with the handle so he doesn’t hurt them too much.

    Braun Strowman vs Kevin Owens

    Braun wins, LOL, he’s so overpushed and is definitely the reason why Raw’s ratings are PLUMMETING into a PIT OF DESPAIR. When will Vince realise that instead of fixing the whole show from top to bottom he should just be pushing Shelton Benjamin from 2002?

    Becky Lynch vs Charlotte FLAIR vs Carmella

    Everyone said Becky is going to turn heel.

    That’s what happens, because Charlotte FLAIR is an entitled shithead who gets everything handed to her without having to put any effort in to it just because she has a famous Daddy, making her a good person while Becky is clearly evil for making her own way around Europe on her own at the age of 18 and spending years working at improving as a wrestler until WWE finally took notice of her work and signed her to NXT.

    Wait, what?

    Samoa Joe vs AJ Styles

    Samoa Joe, surfing a comfortable wave of soft, fluffy hot dog buns to the ring, grabs a microphone and says he’s going to defile AJ’s wife in the bumhole or something. AJ gets very angry and hits him with a chair. He should go to therapy.

    The Miz vs Daniel Bryan

    Dear Oliver,
    I wwote you but you still aren’t wwiting back,
    I even wwote a pop up card to thwow glitter as an attack,
    I wwote you letters through all summer, and I thought you’d wwite back,
    You pwobably got busy but that’s no weason to not be courteous, it’s kinda whack,
    I know you got the last one ‘cause It had a number I could twack.
    But anyways, whatever, what’s new with you? How’s your daughters?
    Can’t believe Monwoe’s five months, I’m so glad to be a father,
    Mawyse got pwegnant and we thought ‘bout what to call her,
    I said ‘Monwoe’ because she’s a beautiful daughter,
    I guess that’s kinda corny,
    I wead your work with Skul man, it’s funny,
    I see you have time for other fwiends, the ones who have less money,
    Maybe you you could just take a day, I know I’m your biggest fwiend,
    I even wead the first Bearly you did, it was vewy funny then,
    I hope you get what you want in moving to the main page,
    They always say that thing’s a welic of the stone age,
    I hope it goes over well, you’re turning a new page,
    Don’t leave me behind, wwite me, the same biz,
    This is Miz


    Dear Oliver,
    You’re busy but you still ain’t wwote, I ain’t mad,
    I just think it’s a shame to see a fwiendship turn bad,
    I appweciate you might not want to talk, it’d fine,
    About the English and you all waiting in line,
    But Monwoe’s getting bigger, and Mawyse is getting lonely,
    It’d be nice to have a play date, do you think that’s kind of phoney?
    Kind of lame you just said ‘No’,
    That’s pwetty wough, Mawyse is just twying to be fwiendly,
    Monwoe too, she weally likes her fwiends, wants to be just like them,
    When they’re older perhaps they’ll go and build dens,
    I’ve got to beat up Daniel Bwyan first though,
    He never understood what I had to go thwough,
    To make it here, see man year I’ve stwuggled,
    No wespect fwom the lockerwoom, JBL had me bundled,
    In a stowage closet, what the hell was that about,
    I’m sure he and the others must have heard me shout,
    Anyway, I’ve gotta go, wwite back you wwong ‘un,
    Even if it’s just a top ten Miz match list,
    Your fwiend, The Miz

    Dear Mister ‘I’m too good to wwite to my best fwiends’,
    Well see you’ve done it now, I’ve punched him in the face,
    The bwass knuckles, a gift from Mawyse, I put him in his place,
    And don’t think you an wekindle anything now, I think I deserve it,
    A bit of wespect and time fwom you, I know nobody’s perfect,
    So I’m sending you this letter, the last one I’ll ever wwite,
    I’m not asking much man, just for you to put it wight,
    Wemember me when you’re thirty thwee and life’s catching up weal fast,
    I bet you’ll laugh about this once it’s all in the past,
    But fuck you, you wabbit, you wascal, Boots McBullshit,
    I just wanted us to be fwiends, you had to go and wuin it,
    So I punched Bwyan in the mouth, knocked him out weal cold,
    I bet Bwie didn’t like it but I’ll have her on cwackers too,
    I ain’t twying to boast but I hope I hurt you man,
    I thought we could be fwiends, more than wwestler and fan,
    Well, gotta go, my victowy party’s coming,
    This was your ex-fwiend, you’re last fwiend, The Miz.


    Dear Miz,
    I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy,
    I hope you, Maryse, and Monroe are real happy,
    I’m really flattered you’ve been writing, I’d love to keep a pen friend,
    It’ll be good, the kind of thing that won’t end,
    But look, I know you think I’m being rude but,
    It’s just this time of year is super busy bud,
    I know you like your walls dude so I put some pictures here,
    My house just got repointed, so now there’s sharp edges there,
    Anyway man, don’t take it personal,
    Postage is expensive to send post from me to you,
    And you’re a movie star dude, I saw it in the papers,
    I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
    Sorry dude, a little joke, nothing at your expense,
    Maybe we can laugh about one day, how I kept you in suspense,
    Anyway, I hope you get this letter dude, and the pics inside,
    I never meant to ignore you or nothing, I just ain’t had the time,
    But now I’m putting pen to paper, I just made myself a schedule,
    I’ll keep to it and everything and we can just be confidential,
    Pen friends to the end, but man I’ve got to ask you,
    Why do you write like you speak, the people need to know you,
    You ever tried for elocution or whatever, clean up that lisp,
    Or maybe just for you it’s not that big an ish,
    Anyway man, I gotta go, my train’s coming,
    Write back soon, yeah, or we could Skype or something,
    Your friend, Oliver

    Big Bully Baz vs Finlay Balor

    Finlay has his paint on, which means he wins in a minute. There’s probably a reason for it.

    Jeff Hardy vs Shinsuke Nakamura

    Somehow this doesn’t hand in dick punching.

    Shinsuke wins because Jeffrey is really very silly and like to throw himself onto his neck from a very high place.

    Afterwards, Randall Keith Orton turns up and tries to get everyone to smell his finger.

    Ronda Rousey vs Alexa Bliss

    FINGER OF SHAME for WWE, who make Darling Alexa come out FIRST. Where’s the RESPECT for the CHAMPION? Isn’t she the MOST IMPORTANT?

    Ronda Rousey is the most important, so she wins in about five minutes without Darling Alexa ever doing anything notable.

    Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar


    Roman finally wins and we can all get on with our lives.
    Last edited by Oliver; 08-28-2018 at 10:47 AM.

  23. #23
    I was so happy to see Miz beat Bryan at SummerSlam, and getting a look at his little bit of extra Oliver-inspired motivation made it even better.

  24. #24
    The Brain
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    It makes me happy that you have the correct take on Drew McIntyre.

    And god bless you for finally writing Miz back, even if it was in the form of a 2003 John Cena promo.

  25. #25
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
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    That was amazing. Who knew Miz could rap.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  26. #26
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
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    Oh you think we can get on with our lives now Roman has won.......



    @Sir_Samuel

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