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    May 2018

    Bearly Reviewing 33 1/3

    Bearly Reviewing A House Show in Saudi Arabia

    Previously in Saudi Arabia, the Umayyad Caliphate was one of the biggest empires in history until the Brits came and smashed the record, the Saud family started a dynasty that got destroyed by the Ottoman viceroy of Egypt, a much smaller Saudi state tried to revolt against the Ottoman Empire because the Brits asked them to very nicely and there was a war on, and then they found oil and all got rich. And nothing bad happened! Ever! And if anything bad was going to happen, WWE are coming to stop it.

    The Greatest Royal Rumble comes from King Abdullah’s very own stadium in his very own city. Other things to come from King Abdullah include:

    - His 34 children
    - That one gay son that they don’t like to talk about.

    Triple H vs John Cena

    This is actually quite a good choice for the first match because people who’ve never seen wrestling will pop for a chinlock.

    John Boy wins, and then thanks everyone for helping him get over his relationship breaking down.

    Kalisto vs Cedric Alexander

    This is the best match on the show for various reasons, not least because they just start throwing loads of shit at each other during the finishing stretch.

    Point is, this was actually quite exciting. Good old 205 Live.

    The Bar vs Sister Twister

    This is for the Raw Tag Team Championships but only one team is on Raw so…*Kanye shrug* #DragonEnergy

    The Raw team wins, of course.

    Jinder Mahal vs Brother Jeffrey

    One of these guys has done a tonne of supplements and can’t wrestle.

    The other is Jinder Mahal.

    Brother Jeffrey wins and then preaches to the assembled crowd. ‘I have accepted the Lord as my one and true saviour, and I urge you all to do the same! Repent the evil that runs through your veins and join me as I break the body of Christ and drink his blood. Let your sickness be healed by the Lord!

    Somehow this doesn’t go over very well in Saudi Arabia. Who’d have thought it?

    The Usos vs The Bludgeon Brothers

    I enjoyed this, so whatever. People will tell you that The Bludgeon Brothers aren’t working, but that’s just because they’re a sort of old school tag team the like of which we don’t really see now. Not like The Revival old school, like Legion of Doom old school.

    Seriously, if some wrestling commentators writing now had been about in the 80s they’d all have had aneurysms.

    Joey Samoa vs Finlay Balor vs The Miz vs Seth Rollins

    Well, this is exciting, isn’t it evewyone? Our vewy first time in Saudi Awabia, performing for these people.

    Thut up Mith, you don’t even go here no more! You’re on Thmackdown now, not Raw like Finlay and I! We’re on the A thow, aren’t we Finlay?

    Well, actually, the concept that there is an A or B show is a moot point in the modern age and, given the fluidity of the rosters and the fact that we’re all performing on the same pay per views anyway, I don’t think such a definition really matters. Besides, if Smackdown really were the B show…


    Now now, clam down Thamoa Joe, we were jutht thaything that thuch definithionth donn’t really have a plathe in the world now that we all do our thows together. I don’t think anybody actually thinkth that Thmackdown ith the B thow…


    Look Samoa Joe, you and I are on Smackdown together now, and we now full well that we are the twue A show of WWE. Bwand wivalwy has always been a part of the bwand split, and it will wemain that way. Now, why don’t we go and get you a nice steak?


    Seth wins, because he’s the champion and this is a house show. Are you starting to see theme emerging?

    They do a bit where the Daivari brothers are all ‘Iran is the best! Iran number one!’ in people’s faces. Surprisingly enough, this ends badly for them in more ways than one.

    Do you think WWE just didn’t realise that wading into a serious political battle would be problematic? Poor Ariya.

    AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura

    Can I just say how much I’m enjoying Shinsuke Nakamura – Ball Puncher? It’s the best. Worship the ground that man walks on.

    They do a double count out because it’s a house show.

    Rusev vs The Undertaker

    ‘Bury me softly, brother’

    Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar

    They do the WrestleMania match again but this time Roman also hits a powerbomb.

    In the end, Brock Lesnar catches a running Roman Reigns and DDTs him through the cage wall.

    The ending is ‘controversial’ because Brock’s feet never touch. How great. You had one job, the pair of you!

    The Greatest Royal Rumble Ever

    Daniel Bryan wrestles for 75 minutes and gets his chest turned inside out by Roderick Strong.

    Sami Zayn doesn’t take part because he’s part Syrian and Saudi Arabia are doing bad things there. Or good things there. Nobody really seems to know if there is a goodie or a baddie in Syria. Saudi Arabia fund the rebels, anyway.

    American Hero Braun Strowman wins a trophy that nobody wants to touch in case it falls apart. He also gets a lizard to go around his waist.

    And that’s the show! Tune in for Raw to watch them try to explain why they fucked up the end of the Universal Championship match!

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, Wurzel Gummidge. Being a scarecrow, I don’t have much time to read, but when I do, I read Bearly Reviewing. It’s the number one place on the internet for mild comedic relief from the omnipresent fear of impending nucelar war.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw from a couple of weeks ago

    Previously, on Raw – that up there, plus the women main evented.

    We’re live from the Bell Centre, which is coincidentally what you call a women in the middle of a bukkake.

    Raw starts with old men talking. Roman says he’s the real Unicorn Champion, and demands that Brock and Joe apologise for eating his best friend. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

    Joey Samoe comes out, and then so does Jinder Mahal, and more and more people keep coming until there’s enough people in the ring to make a tag team match.

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    ♫ It’s me your friend, Elias,
    My followers are pious,
    I’ll beat Bob Roode,
    His wrestling’s crude,
    And that’s the story of Elias ♫

    Elias does actually win, which makes a nice change from him getting beaten up all the time by someone more famous than him.

    Of course, this just means that Bob Roode gets to qualify attacking him unprovoked for the next 4-6 weeks.

    The Authors of Pain vs Jean-Paul & Francois

    The Authors win, because the other goes don’t even work here.

    Afterwards they unveil their scroll again. They’ve been working on a new chapter of their book. They turn it around to show the audience. It just says ‘pain’ again.

    Hello, it’th me, Theth Rollinth. Now that I am rid of that thcourge The Mith ath he hath gone to Thmackdown, I’m free to rule over the midcard of Raw with the Intercontinental Championthip. Now, I’ve been litheninng to my good friend Finlay Balor rethently and I just bought mythelf a new thell phone. Look at this! It’th got a fingerprint bit for unlocking it and thuperb camera on the back, 13 megapixthels. Do all thmile, I want a photo for my wall.

    Seth, I can’t help but see that you’ve purchased your telecommunication device on pay as you go.

    Why yeth Finlay, it ith on pay ath you go. Why do you athk?

    Well, everyone knows that the best deals are those on a contract, and sometime you even get a free gift. I got this spectacular Sonos speaker system (other speaker systems are available) when I signed up with Verizon, and would recommend that you did this post haste.

    No thankyou, Finlay, I think I have taken quite enough of your advithe rethently and will be continuing on my own path from here forth. I don’t need you telling me what to do, or anybody elthe for that matter. Now why don’t you go backthtage and look at that picture of Robbie Keane in your journal…

    Hello there Finlay and Seth, it’s me, Bo Dallas. Now that I’m no longer working for The Miz I don’t have to use that widiculous speech impediment – but somehow it has stuck.

    Curtis think it funny.

    Shut up Curtis, we all know you’re not weally mentally wetarded and it was just an act. Now, you had a vewy good idea for what we should all do, can you tell Finlay while I twy and come to terms with the fact that this is not my weal speaking voice!

    Yes, that’s right, I did – I think that we could all be the new Four Horsemen! Just think about it, Bo as the Flair, me as the Windham, Seth you would be a great Arn, and Finn, well, you can be Ole…

    Ole?!? I am horrendously offended by the very notion. If anything I would be Flair!

    No I would motht thertainly be Flair, you rathcal Finlay!

    That’s wight, you two do a fight!

    Somehow the kind extension of friendship from Bo and Curtis results in them being punched in the face. And then Finn attacks Seth for saying he wouldn’t be Ric in the new Horsemen.

    Sasha Banksonovic vs Rubyy Riott

    ‘This is for the motherland!’ screams Sasha, as she charges at Ruby. ‘You stupid Americans come here with your piercings and your tattoos, but know this – Putin respects nobody with body modification. Only modification Putin likes is political vote rigging.’

    Because she has extra friends and Sasha doesn’t, Rubyy wins.

    AHAHhahaHhhahHAahAHhaHaaaaHHHHH Yeeeeeeeeesss, let me see, Bray Wyatt you have ohfficially become my WOKEN warrior, yes, let me see now, as I read from the book of light and dark, see here us at the Pyramids of Geezer during their construction, yes, and here we are harassing the Moaner Lisa, yes. We are simply the greatest Tag Team to ever walk this earth, and through hundreds of Millenia and many more the seven souls have chosen us as their vessels, yes. RUN!

    Jinder Mahal, Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs Bobby Lashley, Roman Reigns, & Braun Strowman

    So is Braun finished with Roman now or what?

    It’s his hometown, so Big Kev takes the pin.

    Baron Corbin vs No Way Jose


    Drunk Aunt vs Natalya

    Ronda is in Natalya’s corner, but she spends most of her time chasing Alexa Bliss for some reason.

    Drunk Aunt spills her appletini all down the chest of her new poolboy Steve. As she licks it off, Natalya rolls her up and wins.

    Afterwards Nia appears and is grumpy. She looks at Ronda with intent and then raises her arm.

    Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins

    It might just be because it comes off the back of that Saudi Arabia thing, but this feels like match of the year when I watched it.

    Seth wins and then does a victory lap, high fiving babies out of their pushchairs. He then breaks a knee.

    And that’s Raw! Tune in next week to see whether Sasha has had her citizenship revoked for that vote rigging thing, whether Roman will finally get a new Unicorn, and oh hang on wait there’s Backlash first I’d forgotten.

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, Ian Botham here. As a child growing up in Somerset, I use to scrump apples to with the tunes of the day skittering around me head, like a persistent grasshopper in the field rubbing his legs togevver. But nowadays if I’m ever out scrumping I do it whilst reading Bearly Reviewing, the premier review column for cider drinkers everywhere.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown from a couple of weeks ago

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    Well it is wonderful to be back here on Smackdown, and vewy much far away fwom that scourge Daniel Bwyan, yes. Now, Miz TV is going to be on, that’s a given, we’re in Canada so evewyone will call it La La Land. I might do a musical number, do you like musical numbers? I’m never sure whether it’s a good idea or not, but I do weally like to watch musicals at home. High School Musical is my favouwite, I watch it evewy day when I’m at home with Monwoe and Mawyse, while I eat a nice spicy bit of chicken and some plain boiled rice. Nothing too exciting, but a tasty meal nonetheless.

    Now, I think I’ll pwobably have some guest, may Jeffwey and Wandall, they’re always nice. And that fellow, Shelton Benjamin, he talked to me wecently and had some vewy intewesting insights into whether the Earth is wound or flat. I think he’d make for quite stimulating conversation. So those thwee and me – four people in a wing at the start of Smackdown. What can go wwong?

    We should have those lovely little Austwalian ladies to do some talking and maybe a little bit of wwestling, I do quite like them, they have funny voices and faces which is always good for some comedy. And pwobably something with Wusev and Aiden together, maybe we should split them up, who knows, it’s not like they’re alweady to popular. Oh, and Big Cass beating up a midget, that went over well once in 1999 so it’s always a good idea to have it again.

    Samoa Joe could look quite foreboding, so I think we should make him look forebodingly at someone, maybe with a little bit of anger in his eyes while he says some words. And then Sheamus and Xavier Woods should do a fight, that will pwobably start hour two with only the first match of the night because the viewing public definitely weally like people talking. Do you like people talking, Oliver? I think it’s the best thing when someone does a weally intewesting talk. I love a good talk, I do, I like the TED talks, and the Google talks, and the walkie talks…so many good talks. Sometime I just like to sit and have a good talk all on my own, like, looking at a wall of paint and talking to it. It never talks back, though, but it’s a good fwiend of mine is the wall.

    Maybe we should get some ladies to do some wwestling, let’s put lots of them in the wing together wight at the end of the show so that not evewyone sees it. We’ll do those two lovely Austwalian ladies and that Carmella, she’s weally funny with her swimming costume. And we could have them face Asuka, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch, those are thwee good wwestlers aren’t they? Weally good at wwestling, they are. It would be nice to make evewyone happy at the end of the night too, so why don’t we let the good people win and the bad people lose.

    Well, it’s going to be a gweat night of wwestling and fun, Oliver. I’m going to go now, I hope you have a nice evening and get a good Chwistmas pwesent this year. I’ve got Mawyse a picture of my face with my face inside my mouth, and that little face has an even smaller face inside it’s mouth, and then wight at the end there’s a weally weally weally tiny face in the mouth of that one. I think she’s going to weally like it.

    Thanks, like, for listening and all that. It does get a bit boowing talking to the wall and stuff.

    The Miz’

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there, it’s me, the ghost of Prince. Sometimes I look down from my purple heaven and make sure that everyone I knew and loved when I was alive is still doing well. But before I do that, I like to read Bearly Reviewing to give me a little giggle in my throat.

    Bearly Reviewing Backlash

    It’s the third PPV in a month, and it’s coming to you live from the Prudential. Other things to come from the Prudential include:

    - Pensions
    - Investments
    - Savings

    The Miz vs Seth Rollins

    This is great, even though it all gets a bit ‘Ring of Honor 2008’ in the middle and Seth kicks out of everything.

    Seth wins, of course, and then breaks his own fibula when he walks down the ring steps.

    And that was the end of Backlash! Nothing else happened and it was all great!

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Cristiano Ronaldo thinks that you should do what Cristiano Ronaldo does and read Bearly Reviewing, because whatever Cristiano Ronaldo does is guaranteed to be a good thing because Cristiano Ronaldo knows thins he does are important, unlike things that Lionel Messi does, the little Argentinian midget.

    Bearly Reviewing the Raw after Backlash

    Raw opens with old men talking. Braun Strowman talks about giving people hands, which is a bit like giving people head in my book, the dirty little perv. He could fingerbang Darling Alexa and tickler her diaphragm. Any, Big Kev comes out, family man he is, and points out this is all a bit disgusting. As a heel has interrupted a face in the presence of a GM, the GM makes them have a match.

    American Hero Braun Strowman vs Big Kev

    American Hero Braun Strowman wins because he’s being overpushed but nobody has actually realised yet because we quite like him.

    I’m struck now by how much ‘Mike Rome’ sounds like ‘My Chrome’ when you say it, so now that’s all I think of when he’s mentioned. It’s like they’re sending us to interviews conducted with a tiny subservient Collosus.

    Jinder is a very grumpy young man, so Kurty Angels makes him wrestle Chad Gable to cheer him up.

    No Way Jose, Apollo Crews, & Titus O’Neil vs Baz Corbz & The Revival

    They should replace Baz Corbz with Bob Roode.

    Seriously though, the best WWE tag team of the decade, the team that was on half of the greatest modern WWE match, are now feuding with Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews. What the fuck is wrong with this stuff?

    I don’t even read who wins, I don’t care. I hope Baz Corbz punches Jose so hard he gets sent back to the Copacabana.

    Sasha Banks vs Rubyy Riott vs Ember Moon

    Howl! I’m a werewolf but also possibly a vampire! Look at my red eyes and hairy chin! Howwwwl!

    Ember wins because she’s new and fun and gets to be in the Money in the Bank match. There is a 99% chance this ends with Eclipse-off-a-ladder.

    Robert Franklin Lashley would like to tell you how much he loves his family. Bless.

    Jinder Mahal vs Chad Gable

    Watching Chad Gable hit Chaos Theory suplexes is basically foreplay to me.

    Do you think Jinder could run with a Big Poppa Pimp gimmick? I want to see them really run with the fact that he’s just a big muscular fucker who can hardly move but can punch very, very hard.

    Anyway, Jinder wins, which impresses Kurty Angels.

    Drolph Zintyre vs Heath Slater & Rhyno

    Drolph win, which is nice for them. It’s great to put two good wrestlers with a net charisma of about -100 together in a team, isn’t it?

    ♫ The wanderer Elias,
    You, beat me? Just try us,
    Bob Roode you smell,
    You don’t grapple well,
    And that’s the story of Elias ♫

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    Because Elias won a week ago, we now have about 4-6 weeks of Bob Roode getting ‘revenge’.

    Seth Rollins does the open challenge thing, because they’ve forgotten they were going to do a lengthy Finlay vs Rollins feud, apparently. Anyway, Mojo Rawley appears.

    Seth Rollins vs Mojo Rawley

    Is there a way to work ‘MVP’ into Rollins’ name? And also how organically over as a babyface is this guy? Holy shit they should push him. Actually, flip the roles. Give Rollins Reigns’ slot and give Reigns Rollins’ one. Or, maybe give Rawley Rollins’ one and give Reigns Rawley’s. Whatever, my point is Rollins might be about to have a career year.

    Sister Twister vs Bo and Curtis

    I’m not sure anybody cares.

    Samuel Zayn vs Finlay Balor vs Romaine Reigns

    It’s good.

    Also WWE is now so desperate for us all to cheer for Romaine that they’re going to feud him with Jinder Mahal. Which is like saying ‘look, we know you think dog shit is bad, but have you ever tried cat shit? It’s so much worse that now you’ll definitely like dog shit!’

    Anyway, Finlay wins, which puts him in the 205Live Money in the Bank match.

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hello there loves, it’s Pauline Fowler here. I know I’m dead now, after that rotter of a husband of mine struck me with a frying pan. That Joe, I should have seen he was a little shit when he wouldn’t put ham in my breakfast pancakes and insisted on me having blueberries. ‘They’re full of anti-oxidants, mam!’ he’d say. ‘Fuck anti-oxidants’ I’d reply ‘just give me some salty cubes of meat ye twat’. Well, he wasn’t happy about that, was he? Hit me with the pan. Bastard. Anyway loves, I just wanted to say that if there’s one thing I like to read from beyond the grave it’s Bearly Reviewing. I have a lovely little laugh with Mark and Barry.

    Bearly Reviewing the Smackdown after Backlash

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    Well, I thought that you might like another little letter fwom me, your best fwiend and penpal for life, The Miz. I’m having a lovely time on Smackdown, I weally am, I get to feel like I’m an important part of a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Perhaps a little corner, or maybe one of those bits with the thwee nubbles on and one hole. I like those bits, they’re my favouwite bits of jigsaws, they are, all nubbly and wubbly and pointy but wounded, not like pointy and sharp like a pair of scissors or the beak of a budgewigar.

    So I think it’s time I told you what I’m planning for Smackdown this week. It’s going to be another gweat show. I’ll start, of course, and I think I’ll pwobably face Jeffwey Hardy for the wight to be in the Money in the Bank match. I think that will be a lovely opener for all the boys and girls who have come to watch me be weally important and an integwal part of the blue bwand. And I think if I’m weally clever I can beat him by pinning him when he stuns himself on the Swanton Bomb he does, because it’s really vewy silly to keep landing on your neck at his age and delicacy.

    We should have those lovely little Austwalian ladies to do some talking and maybe a little bit of wwestling, I do quite like them, they have funny voices and faces which is always good for some comedy. And pwobably something with Wusev and Aiden together, maybe we should split them up, who knows, it’s not like they’re alweady to popular. Oh, and Big Cass beating up a midget, that went over well once in 1999 so it’s always a good idea to have it again.

    We’ll do some funny little backstage bits, they’re always weally good to make people do a laugh, pwobably something with pancakes and the New Day. Do you think that now Xavier Woods and Paige are on the same show maybe he gets some pwefewential tweatment because he went balls deep in her, or do you think they actually have some animosity? I’m vewy pwoud of Paige for having sex with all the people of colour, though, I always thought people fwom Nowwich didn’t weally like non-whites and pwobably voted for Bwexit, but she’s pwoven me vewy wwong. Oh, and maybe we should have that Japanese fellow, Shinsuke, he should dick punch someone, yeah, that’s his thing now.

    Charlotte vs Peyton Woyce, now there’s a weally important match up that will be lots of fun for evewyone in the awena and watching at home like my Monwoe and Mawyse. I do love my family, and it’s good that evewyone is so family fwiendly at WWE shows now. Charlotte will win, but we’ll have Peyton look good too because that’s vewy important.

    The less said about the wapscallion Daniel Bwyan the better, I think. I hope Big Cass knocks him out of his little fuwwy boots!

    Xavier Woods vs Cesawo will pwobably be good too, and we might as well have a pancake shower or something vewy funny like that. Do you think, like, that pancakes are a bit of a funny food gwoup? What are they, are they actually cakes or do you have to market them as biscuit like Jaffa Cakes in the UK? Or were Jaffa Cakes declared to be cakes in the end? I can’t wemember, but it was a vewy long time ago in 1991 that they did the twibunal. Anyway, what exactly are pancakes? Are they a fwied food? I don’t like fwied food, it gives me a dicky tummy.

    Mandy Wose vs Becky Lynch sounds like it could be pwoper wubbish, I don’t know. And then maybe we’ll make Daniel Bwyan do a main event but lose to Wusev, because that would be so funny! He’s such a wubbish wwestler, not like me, I’m weally good at gwappling and doing wwestling. And he’s basically just four bamboo canes now because he got bwoken in his bwain!

    I think that going to be a weally, weally good show, and lots of fun for evewyone. Well, I better go and put my twunks on now, I’ve been weawing a towel while I wwite this, like, but I can’t wwestle in one, it would be vewy limiting to my movements and vewy distwacting to evewyone if Little Miz peeked out. Thanks for listening again, it’s been lovely wwiting this letter. I hope your little girls are doing well, do send a picture next time and we’ll have to set up a play date with Monwoe when she’s a little older.

    Your fwiend, The Miz’

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    Hi all, it’s Steve here, from LoP Forums and LoP Radio. To be honest, if you’re going to get a review of the shows and stuff, you’re probably best off listening to the Late Shift rather than reading this thing. It’s what I’d do.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw from this week

    Thank Christ, we’re nearly there.

    Raw’s in London this week, which probably means there’s a taxi and a red phone box somewhere, and perhaps and effigy of Theresa May literally fucking the country, riding Cornwall like a dildo.

    Roman Reigns is grumpy because he didn’t get handed yet another bloody opportunity. He thinks he can demand that he’s entered into another qualifier, but Kurty Angels is like ‘LOL fuck you Roman, you’ve had 100 title matches in the past year and lost 101 of them so nope’.

    Roman walks backstage and beats up Jinder because he’s a petty little bitch.

    Do you think that Roman is basically what Stone Cold would have been like if nobody wanted to cheer him so he felt unloved? Do you think he keeps making these demands because we, the fans, don’t love him and he needs someone to validate his existence by constantly giving him what he demands so when he doesn’t get it he acts out and punches someone because it’s worked in the past to get him what he wants? Is he basically a 4 year old being told they’re not having any more sweets?

    Seth Rollins vs Big Kev

    It’s the open challenge thingy again, so everyone looks good but Seth ultimately wins. He’s still the best thing on Raw, which is good going because it has Darling Alexa’s bottom on it too.

    They can’t stop telling us about Ronda Rousey and Nia Jax having a match on the upcoming Pay Per View because neither of them is on the show tonight.

    No Way Jose vs Baz Corbz vs Bob Roode

    Christ, these Money in the Bank qualifiers have fallen off a cliff haven’t they?

    Bob wins, because he’s the only one who actually has anything like main event potential out of these guys.

    I actually quite want him to win the case, to be honest.

    Breezanngo vs The B Team

    I mean, they’re just taking the piss out of Bo and Curtis now.

    BUT THEY WIN! Hurrah! Justice for Burtis!

    Thee Riott Squadd vs Sasha Bankns, Natalya, & Ember Moon

    You! American pierced woman! You disgust me with your skin drawings and silver decoration. You are exact representation of capitalist pig in my country, and I despise that you exist. I will defeat you fast and then we find out what else you have pierced, no? I rip silver from you and smelt it into necklace of memories to remind of your failure!

    Nattie Hart uses her *checks notes* Dad Bret Hart’s finisher to tap out Liv Morgan, which is essentially like submitting a lemon meringue pie.

    Sister Twister vs The Revival

    It’s a non-title match, but the champions win so whatever.

    I miss when The Revival felt important.

    Apparently Sami Zayn is going to expose Robert Franklin Lashley next week. This 100% ends in tiny midget ladies pretending to be his sisters, right?

    Darling Alexa vs Drunk Aunt vs Bayley

    Look Mickie, you don’t have to comply to the stereotype these men have crafted for you of a floozy drunk auntie who is sexually promiscuous with a procession of Latin sounding gentlemen. You needn’t stoop to the male gaze or those watching at home with one hand under their desks! Become stronger as a woman and own your right to allow who you want to pass the gates of your labia and enter you!

    Drunk Aunt stumbles at this tirade, shocked by the principal of it, and drops the olive out of her martini. Bayley slips on it and falls on her back, knocking herself out, which allows Darling Alexa to pin her and proceed to Money in the Bank.

    Spoilt Brat Roman puts Jinder through a wall backstage, the little shit.

    Finlay Balor & American Hero Braun Strowman vs Drolph Zintyre

    American Hero Braun Strowman has his big trophy at ringside. I bet that’s a complete coincidence, given that he’s not had it there before now.

    Oh look., the trophy gets knocked over and Braun is too distracted to break up the pin, so Drolph win.

    Elias vs Robert Franklin Lashley vs ???

    Turns out ??? is Big Kev, which is nice for him and means he has a 133 1/3% chance of winning.

    He wins.

    And that’s Raw! Isn’t that good? Raw has actually been good recently, what fun for everyone involved.

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    My name is Michael Paine, and I am a nosey neighbour. Now, not a lot of people know that I know this, but I saw Margaret from number 16 reading Bearly Reviewing the other day. Bearly Reviewing! At her age! Who’d have thought that the comedic wrestling review would reach the old aged pensioner market.

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    We’re in Euwope wight now, and tonight we’ve got a show in London which is wather excellent. I do like London, home of The Queen and Bwadley Wwight-Phillips. It’s gweat, I get to go and have a little steak pie with a little bit of mashed potato and a splash of gwavy on it. It’s vewy delicious. Do you like pies? You look a bit svelte so I imagine you don’t have them vewy often, maybe they’re a weekend tweat, once in a while, you just tuck into a little pie with some vegetables and gwavy. Twy them if you don’t, they’re weally tasty.

    Anyway, Daniel Bwyan is starting Smackdown this week and I’m staying out of his way. He looked at me a little bit last week and I saw some anger in his eyes which I didn’t like. He’s a nice blue eye though, he doesn’t get too angwy, more fwustwated I think with the fact he can’t wwestle so much anymore, or at least for a little while there he couldn’t. I wonder if he misses Birdie and Bwie now that he’s abwoad. I know I miss Monwoe and Mawyse dweadfully, but I send them pictures on Whats App evewy day of what I’m doing and a picture of an intewesting wall or dwain cover I’ve seen.

    So then The New Day will wwestle The Bar, which should be quite exciting. One of the winning team gets to be in Money in the Bank which I think is a wonderful and intewesting new twist on the concept. I hope it’s Xavier Woods, he seems vewy happy now Paige is pwesent on Smackdown and it would be nice to see his big smile on top of the ladder at the end of the show. Or maybe Big E should win it, he’s a vewy talented young man. Of course, that’s assuming that they win, and they might not! Maybe Cesawo will get to thwow some ladders awound instead, that would pwobably make for quite a sight.

    Andwade Cien Almas is going to wwestle someone I don’t know, so I suspect he wins that one, what a lovely debut for him. He’s vewy good at doing a wwestle, although I do wish he’d go back to weawing a suit with his mask, that’s the best look. And then we’ll do a bit with Wusev and his lovely wife Lana and Aiden English too, that will be lovely. The people like them like I like a nice little bit of salmon with wice, nothing too fancy, just steamed salmon and bwown wice, sometimes I might had a little bit of bwoccoli if I’m feeling adventuwous, like.

    They’re going to do a little bit about the Woyal family with Carmella here, which to be honest I think sounds like a bad idea. Just because we’re in London doesn’t mean we have to do the steweotypes, you know? I think we’d be better having someone pay homage to Carlton Cole or perhaps even Wonnie Boyce, you know, someone local and man of the people like. Anyway, appawaently Carmella is facing Asuka at Money in the Bank, so that’s a funny thing to do isn’t it? I bet Carmella is shitting herself, she doesn’t like getting hurt much at all. I once saw her dwy the floor of a lavatowy with a towel because it was a little wet and she was wowwied about slipping and hurting her coccyx.

    Then we’ve got to get more women into their little ladder match, so Becky Lynch gets to look important for a bit and beats some other ladies. And then to finish it we’ll get AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamuwa to do a non-title match, that’ll be fun, and Shinsuke’ll pwobably win too as long as he doesn’t hit AJ in the nutsack again like he was twying to send a potato into orbit with the cwook of his elbow.

    So lots of good wwestling tonight Oliver. I’m going to go, I’ve got to facetime Mawyse, she’s a bit wowwied because the last wall I sent her was painted black and not a nice wed bwick one like I had been sending her. It was a nice wall but, to be honest, I think I’m a bit depwessed out here on my own and just felt a certain kinship with that particular wall like. I suppose that’s why it’s nice for me to wwite to you, too, because it makes me feel a little bit less lonely. Thanks for those Tesco vouchers you sent, by the way, vewy kind, I got myself a nice bottle of orange juice – smooth, I don’t like the texture with the bits in it, you know – and a little pot of cous cous with a plastic fork for my lunch. Weally, weally tasty, and I’m vewy gwateful.

    Your fwiend, The Miz’

    Rating – We NEVER miss a show.

  2. #2
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Holy god! I'm not sure the "Bearly" double meaning works anymore if you're this thorough. Welcome back.

  3. #3
    LOP Freebirds Buddy Roberts SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    It returns....

    Although I feel like it should be on the main page already.

  4. #4
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    186 miles from Sheepster
    I love you. Welcome back.

  5. #5
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver View Post
    Raw’s in London this week, which probably means there’s a taxi and a red phone box somewhere, and perhaps and effigy of Theresa May literally fucking the country, riding Cornwall like a dildo.
    This is now something that I have thought of … fuck you Ollie. I'm never gonna be able to look at Cornwall the same after this.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Best running thing in the CF. You keep writing, and I'll keep reading. That's axiomatic.

    And I've said it before; I'll say it again. Woof to the Open Challenge. Was fun when Cena did it. Lame when Styles copied it; lame when Reigns copied it; lame if Rollins is copying it. Get your own thing, you goons.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Thanks pals, and sorry for the radio silence over the past couple of weeks. Will catch this up now, but probably going to need a few days to really get it all done.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw from a couple of weeks ago

    Previously on Raw – wrestling! With consequences! It made the show feel important!

    We’re live from Albany, which is what a Blur album without Graham Coxon sounds like. Little Britpop joke for you there, please do enjoy and rate on iTunes.

    Raw starts with old people talking. You’ve watched Raw before, right? The old people (Kurty and Den Mother Stephanie) talk a bit, a face (Roman Reigns) turns up, a heel (Kevin Owens) interrupts, they have a match right now because the Raw card is never fluid.

    During that match, a heel (Jinder Mahal, for some reason) causes a disqualification so another face (Seth Rollins, because Brotherhood) saves the first face and then we have a tag team match (Playa)

    That’s the first hour. I’m not even going to bother talking about it at length, it saves me time and you time not to.

    About two decades ago, The Rock and Mick Foley, two of the most charismatic performers in WWE history and both at the peak of their powers, did a ‘This Is Your Life’ segment. It popped a number, and everyone loved it because of the shuffling, endearing nature of Mick and the jockish indifference of The Rock to this guys overtures when he just wanted to be his friend and was trying to do a nice thing.

    20 years later, imagine that but with Sami Zayn and A Sentient Piece Of Cardboard. It’s…not as good. Let’s leave it there.

    Ember Moon vs Darling Alexa

    ‘Wait! Ember! I know you feel like the radical feminist movement is becoming dominated by the struggles of the white middle class woman and is exclusionary to people of colour, but that isn’t me. I embrace all races, and I want equality for women of all races. Fighting each other will only make the white man victorious! It’s only together that we can finally overthrow the patriarchy and compete on a level playing field with the men who have ruined our lives for so long. Join with me, take my hand, and let us march together, ebony and ivory, white chess pieces and black chess pieces, Nutella and cream crackers, on to a better life for all women!’

    ‘Hoooooowl! I’m a wolf, a wolf, and your butt is a full moon causing my transformation! Howwwwwl!’

    Ember wins, because fighting an actual werewolf would be hard.

    American Hero Braun Strowman squashes an apple with his bare hands. The animal.

    No Way Jose vs Baron Corbin


    Kurty Angle meets Chad Gable backstage and is like ‘hey, that would have made more sense than that Jason Jordan stuff, wouldn’t it?’

    The B Team vs Breezango

    I mean, The B Team win, so let’s not hate on this right now.

    Ronda Rousey and Nia Jax have Den Mother Stephanie McMahon cut a pair of promos on each other. It’s actually quite remarkable, as if they’ve decided that neither of them can speak for themselves so she has to.

    Chad Gable vs Dolph Ziggler

    Get me to the American Alpha fireworks factory, please.

    Drew McIntyre beats down Chad after Ziggler wins.

    Dana Brooke vs Ronda Rousey’s extremely good friend Natalya vs Livv Morgann vs Sarahh Logann

    So Ronda wins the title and Natalya is MitB holder, right?

    Elias vs Bob Roode

    ♫I am the wanderer
    I play guitar and walk the roads
    My feud with Bob Roode
    Walks an endless road♫

    Elias actually wins, which is nice. Does this feud ever end?

    Finn Balor vs Braun Strowman

    You and I both know Braun wins.

    They end up being friends. Isn’t that nice for them?

    And that’s Raw! Good wrestling with bad ideas. There’s still a month to go until Money in the Bank, so that means the rest of these shows are going to be full off people in the MitB matches fighting each other for ‘momentum’.

    We’ll be back after this short message from our sponsors

    ‘So you take the cigar and just gently slide it down through the flaps…oh, hi there, it’s me, Bill Clinton. When I’m not busy getting some oval orifice in the Oval Office, I like to read Bearly Reviewing to keep up to date with all the great wrestling that’s happening in this country.’

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown from a couple of weeks ago

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    It’s been weally lovely talking to you for the last couple of weeks by letter while I was on the Euwopean tour with my fwiends on Smackdown, so I thought I would wwite you another little letter fwom the desk of The Miz and keep you updated with things, you know, so you’re fully abweast of all the Smackdown happenings. Mawyse says it’s a bit silly because you don’t wwite back to me but, you know, sometimes it’s good just to get these things out in the open, air some gwievances like, and it does get lonely on the woad even if I can face time my wife and child.

    So I’m going to start Smackdown again because that’s what makes an exciting start to a show isn’t it? Just me and a micwophone in the wing. I’m vewy wawy of that Daniel Bwyan fellow, but I think he’s pwobably been detained wight now and I can make a good effort to pwotect myself from his pwesence, especially if I’m in fwont of people. So maybe The New Day can come out and talk with me too, but that will pwobably turn into a match with Big E or something and that’s not something I would particularly savour at the moment, what I weally would savour is perhaps a little bit of sushi, maybe with some of those rice thingies with the bwown tofu awound them, I bet you know all about them being vegan and all, is your diet mostly tofu or do you eat other times of wefined plant pwotein? I quite like most of them but I don’t like seitan because it sounds too much like an evil thing. I don’t like evil foods, I like my food to sound nice and cuddly, like white wice or bwown bwead or something. I don’t very much care for evil foods, I imagine they make your tummy quite upset and a bit bwoken inside, you know?

    Anyway, like, I’ll pwobably beat Big E even though he’s a vewy big boy because The New Day have a feud with The Bar going on and I suspect they’ll interfere and help me out a bit which will be nice of those two lovely lads. Daniel Bwyan will pwobably have something to say because he’s going to wwestle Jeffwey Hardy, and then Lana’s going to beat Billie Kay which is a cuwious booking decisions but one which I think we can all agwee is pwobably quite a good idea weally as it makes us have a new stwong woman in the division which is vewy important.

    Andwade Almas will have a vewy easy match against someone who’s name we don’t even know, which is quite a shame weally, I always like to know the names of the people I beat so I can put them in my little notebook for when I have to wwite my memoirs later on in life. I’ve alweady made a start like, about my childhood and all that, saying how gweat it is that I was born and was a magical human being fwom day one, but I do like to know names.

    AJ Styles and Nakamuwa have a contwact signing, they always end well don’t they? Or maybe it’s not a contwact signing actually, maybe it’s a little tete-a-tete – that’s Fwench for head to head, do you see what I learnt in Euwope? It was vewy lonely there so I picked up a Fwench dictionawy for a short time. I do weally miss twavelling with Bo and Curtis, they were such good fwiends to me and we had some weally fun times together in the end, even though it turns out they weren’t weally that good fwiends I still enjoyed our time together, like. Anyway, Nakamuwa will do some punching and then say he’s having a last man standing match at Money in the Bank, which is quite a positive thing I think.

    Oh, there’s still quite a lot to go here – The Club, they’re going to beat The Usos with their little bald heads which look like peas on top of a normal human body, quite a funny look is that, I once called them pea heads but I don’t think they heard me because I only whispered it vewy vewy quietly under my bweath when they had their backs turned. And then Naomi gets to win and be in Money in the Bankl for the women, that’s nice.

    Daniel Bwyan wins the main event, it says here, which I think is quite upsetting but as he’s wwestling Jeffwey Hardy it’s pwobably not that surpwising. And then Samoa Joe is going to attack him and that’ll mean that Daniel Bwyan has a third qualifier match before he can get in the ladder match, which is a bit too many I think.

    Anyway, that’s the show, like, it’s going to be a bit of an intewesting one with all the wwestling and the talking and the wunning and the fighting. I hope you like it and you’re all doing well.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  8. #8
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep In The Heart
    I forgot to mention it before, but the idea of Mickie licking appletini off my chest gave me half a stalk. Bless.


  9. #9
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    No Way Jose vs Baron Corbin

    Haha, fucking perfect.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I read the Raw and Smackdown results between that pair up there and Money in the Bank and, let me tell you, nothing happened. So we’re going to skip to the good stuff.

    Bearly Reviewing Money in the Bank

    We’re live from Chicago, which is probably called ‘crazy town’ or something on commentary.

    Daniel Bryan vs [name redacted]

    D-Bry wins because he’s not too bothered about being stuck in a toilet on a bus.

    Big Kev, pretty much the only consistent character on the show right now, continues his attempts to get everyone to gang up on American Hero Big Braun. The New Day tell him to do one.

    Sami Zayn vs Robert Franklin Lashley

    Why is Lashley’s finisher a standard suplex? I’m confused by this. Anyway, he wins, because he’s got bigger muscles than that little skanking ginger.

    Quick, what’s worse, Zayn losing to a regular suplex or Cesaro losing to a nine year old?

    Elias vs Seth Rollins

    ♫Elias is my name
    I win matches, I play the game,
    My rivals, all the same
    Losers, like a driverless train♫

    The hardest thing here is to tell the two apart. Do you think if we put Elias in Rollins’ gear anyone would notice?

    Seth wins, of course, he’s the champ and also the best guy on Raw.

    Women’s Money in the Bank

    Whisper it, but Naomi is kind of dope.

    Everyone lies around a lot and then Darling Alexa and her Fabulous Fartbox climb the ladder of success.

    Did anybody in the World think that the manager of BAMF would be the most successful of any current woman on the roster?

    Roman Reigns vs Jinder Mahal

    I mean.

    This happened, I guess?

    Asuka vs Carmella

    This ends with Jimmy Chinless Ellsworth returning dressed as Asuka to help Carmella win.

    Why if you’re fucking ASUKA you wouldn’t just kick this person dressed as you in the face instead of standing and looking at them until someone finally does something else, I don’t know.

    Shinsuke Nakamura vs AJ Styles

    It’s a Last Man Standing match, so within the first couple of minutes the referee starts to count after a dropkick. A dropkick! A dropkick won’t even get you a three count, even if you’re Kazuchika Okada.

    They both kick each other in the balls a lot, and then AJ wins by putting Nakamura through a table with a forearm strike. I don’t know, it sounds kind of shit.

    Ronda Rousey vs Nia Jax

    They wrestle for a bit and then Darling Alexa beats them both up with her briefcase like she’s Mongo and steals the title.

    Darling Alexa has now been champion of Raw or Smackdown for 16 months out of 18. That’s pretty fabulous, isn’t it?

    Men’s Money in the Bank

    Kofi gets picked to be the New Day person in the match, which isn’t surprising because they needed a bouncy person to compete in it.

    Braun gets ganged up on, but he barely cares. He throws Big Kev off a big ladder and then runs straight through one for fun. No, seriously, he just charges through a ladder.

    Obviously Braun wins.

    The end.

    Bearly Reviewing Raw

    We’re in Michigan, which is in America, for Raw.

    Raw kicks off with the walking gaffa tape and drain pipe corpse that is Kurty Angels asking for Darling Alexa to come to the ring and have a party.

    Party Pooper Ronda Rousey turns up and poops on her party, because she has uncontrollable rage. She’s been watching Mongo tapes too so beats everyone up with a briefcase.

    Inevitably, Ronda gets suspended for 30 days. Probably to go and film a movie or something. Full-time my arse.

    Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler

    It’s the open challenge.

    Last night, Seth won by grabbing his opponent’s tights. So tonight he loses because someone grabs his tights. Storytelling!

    This means Dolph Ziggler is now the Intercontinental Champion again, for reasons.

    He’ll probably relinquish next week.

    Robert Francis Roode Jr vs Curt Hawkins

    The inevitable happens, and Curt loses.

    American Hero in the Bank Braun Strowman has a short chat with Kevin Owens, and it turns out that Big Kev will be the first person to beat Braun while he holds the briefcase, because that’s what happens with these things isn’t it?

    Sister Twister vs Rhyno & Heath Slater

    The best thing here is that The B Team turn up and impersonate Sister Twister. The rest is inconsequential.

    Constable Corbin walks in on Kurty Angels, who’s presumably having a little tug to himself backstage before this happens. Tucking himself away, he stares at the light reflecting off of the newly shaved bonce of Corbin which reminds him of the stars, or the belly of a football fan covered in lard. Anyway, they don’t like each other, what a shame.

    Jinder Mahal vs Chad Gable

    They keep up the Jinder thing for a bit longer.

    Thee Riott Squadd are big bullies.

    Thee Riott Squadd vs Sasha & Bayley

    Remember when we were all ‘hahaha, they’re going to make Sasha and Bayley split up and then give them a high profile, non-title singles match at WrestleMania which will be great’ and then they never did it?

    Someone remembered that storyline, so they now can’t coexist and are heading to have a little argument.

    Kurty Angels is all ‘I’m going to tell you who’s going to face Brock Lesnar when he next decides to come to work’ and then Roman Reigns is like ‘it’s going to be me Kurty, because I’m the bestest and also because I put up my hand first and rocked on my heels and toes to make sure you noticed me’ and then Robert Franklin Lashley is all ‘hey don’t be racists, positive discrimination isn’t favouring black people above white people it’s just favouring them as much as white people, are you a racist Kurty don’t be a racist’ and then The Revival come out for some reason and they have a match.

    The Revival vs Roman Reigns & Robert Franklin Lashley

    Deep breaths everyone. It’ll all be OK. The Revival will recover.

    Mojo Rawley vs No Way Jose


    ♫Elias vs Brock
    That match is a lock
    I will do a win
    Seth Rollins is my twin♫

    Finlay Balor & Braun Strowman vs Big Kev & Constable Corbin

    Constable Corbin wins, for some reason, and nothing else matters I guess.

    And that’s the end of that show, which was a bit like having sex but ejaculating right at the start and then having to keep on banging until your lass comes too, your penis becoming gradually more flaccid.

    Bearly Reviewing Smackdown

    ‘Dear Oliver,

    I’m sowwy you haven’t found the time to wwite back to me in the last couple of weeks. I know you’ve been vewy busy, it must be vewy difficult twying to keep up with these things when you’re wunning awound after a couple of childwen and work and all that. I do weally like wwiting these letters though, so I hope you find time to wwite back again. I’ve seen the Smackdown scwipt again, so would you like to know what’s going to happen? It’s going to be a vewy good show, I think, especially now that James Ellsworth is back and cwoss dwessing as a Japanese woman. That was such a funny thing to see! I think they are going to start the show, if I wemember wightly fwom what I wead.

    Wasn’t it nice to see Chicago love Becky Lynch still? She can act like a Marlon Bwando or Sylvester Stallone, she’s weally vewy good and I liked stawwing alongside her in The Mawine 6: Close Quarters, we had weally good fun filming that and evewy so often she would come along with me when I went to photogwaph walls because she was intewested in the pointing on the corners. I don’t weally like corners, I think they’re a little bit point and pwefer a slightly more cylindwical or even a well-designed hemisphewical building with a nice curve, they’re more intewesting walls like that because stones aren’t twaditionally curvy so it’s quite an art to pwoduce a curved building out of them don’t you think? Anyway, Becky beats Billie, and then Jeffwey has some vewy mean words for Shinsuke Nakamuwa.

    Do you wemember Sanity? Well they’re going to appear and have a little fight with The Usos because they’re not vewy happy with each other and also a little bit gwumpy that it’s taken them so long to get onto the television wight now. Anyway, they didn’t weally have a match, but The Club and The Bludgeon Bwothers will have a little set to again like they did before Money in the Bank, and The Club will lose again which is a bit sad weally, they’re vewy good but just stwuggling. I think I might make them my new fwiends and see if I can bwing them some success like I did with Curtis and Bo because that was a lot of fun and I don’t weally have any fwiends here on Smackdown now.

    I’m going to be in a gauntlet match to end the show, which is going to be weally fun I think. Daniel Bwyan and Big E are starting it, so that’s fun isn’t it? They’ll do some lovely wwestling, and Bwyan is booked to win but then – uh oh! – Samoa Joe is going to enter! Watch out for your neck Daniel, Joe likes to choke people which is wather agwessive. Bwyan is going to win that one, but then I’m going to let the Bludgeon Bwothers beat him up a bit before I enter and win weally easily! Haha, Bwyan can’t touch me, I am the winner! Wusev is the last person in, and I think it would be weally nice to let him win because the cwowd weally like him and sometimes it’s good to let the cwowd have a nice man they can cheer for win a match which will be lots of fun for them and get them chewing and shouting his catchphwase.

    That will be the end of it all, I think, nothing too gweat this week but the gauntlet match should be weally, weally good, I’d wecommend you watch that one.

    Your fwiend,

    The Miz’

  11. #11
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I am starting to feel like the SmackDown reviews are slowly becoming like that Eminem song, Stan. Please don't have Miz drive himself off a bridge.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  12. #12
    Word Enthusiast Steve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Deep In The Heart
    I just find it interesting that the poor bastard has such a severe speech impediment that it finds its way into his spelling.

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