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  1. #1
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018

    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: A Very Weasel Christmas (Dec '89)

    Greetings, mizfan fans! And welcome back to this nutty thing called the Life & Times of Bobby Heenan. It's almost time to wrap up the great year of '89, but before we get to the end we've got to make it through the holidays with the Brain! November was tough, so hopefully Santa will leave him something good in his wrestling boots before we hit the new decade. There's only one way to find out though, and that's to get right to it!

    WWF, December ‘89
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    Season’s Beatings

    RP: Hello, big Gorilla! And how is the root canal of the WWF?

    BH: I think he’s talking about your dentures.

    GM: He’s talking about you!

    I’m just gonna… move over here… where it’s safer.

    RP: Have you seen the nose on Martel? You could host the Olympics on that nose!

    BH: Now there’s something I’ve never done, I’ve never gone out and purposely made fun of somebody. Unless they had it coming.
    To the surprise of no one, Heenan and Piper continue to butt heads all month on Prime Time.

    RP: The Bushwhackers may be nuts, but ain’t they great competitors?

    BH: Oh sure, and they’re great at picnics because the flies go for them instead of the food.
    Gorilla tries to keep the peace (meaning, of course, he picks on Heenan along with Piper).

    GM: You’re the instigator here, Piper came in today very cool and collected!

    BH: I’d be cool too, if I could feel the breeze up my skirt.
    The latest battle between them comes to a head on the December 18th episode, where Piper and Heenan go head to head in a wrestling trivia contest. The stakes are simple. If Heenan wins, Piper has to get on his knees and apologize for everything he’s said and done to Heenan and Rude.

    RP: You’re always talking bad about people, the “humanoids”, that’s the backbone of America!

    BH: Some people are designed to push a broom, some are designed to run the company. I know my niche in life.
    However, if Piper wins Heenan has to dress like Santa Claus for the Christmas episode, and what’s more he has to be full of Christmas cheer!

    BH: You know what Christmas means to those humanoids out there?

    GM: A great many things, I’m sure!

    BH: It means they get to mug the guy in red with the bell outside the department store!
    Monsoon moderates the contest, and as you might guess it’s quite intense for a trivia contest! The first question is, who did Randy Savage win the Intercontinental Title from? Piper says Muraco, but Heenan remembers it was Tito Santana because Danny Davis screwed him over. That’s a nice bit of history right there, I can appreciate that! The second question, is what was Hogan’s character’s name in No Holds Barred? I’m not sure that qualifies as wrestling trivia, but here we are. Heenan thinks he was still named Hogan, because he might as well have been, but Piper knows it was actually “Rip”.

    GM: You tried to bribe me during the break with a measly three bucks!

    BH: No, you misunderstood. I asked you for a hint, and I also asked if you needed any extra cash for holiday shopping.
    Heenan’s confidence is shaken, and he starts trying to look through Monsoon’s stuff for the third answer while he’s out of the room! He doesn’t come up with anything though.

    BH: I wasn’t cheating, I swear on Christmas!

    RP: On Christmas? You liar!

    BH: If I’m lying, may Santa catch Mrs Claus with all the elves!
    It comes down to the last question, which is the Wrestlemania III location and attendance. Heenan gets the crowd right but says Detroit, and Piper remembers it was in fact Pontiac, Michigan and wins (on a technicality).

    RP: Remember, you have to be full of frankincense and myrrh!

    BH: I don’t want to dress as a monster!
    Heenan is aghast, and filled with excuses, but Monsoon says if Heenan does not appear and behave as promised, he’ll be fined $25,000! Heenan is so mad he walks off the set!

    RP: Tell me, Bobsie, did you do your Christmas shopping yet?

    BH: Oh, your gift is on the way. Just don’t worry if it’s ticking.
    Despite Heenan’s blustering objections, when December 25th comes around the Brain is, as promised, dressed as Santa!

    GM: You probably never had a Christmas tree in your life!

    BH: I don’t want a Christmas tree in my life. I hate trees.
    He’s very unhappy at first, and does plenty of grumbling whenever he gets the chance.

    BH: Santa has all these aliases, Chris Cringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas! He sounds like he’s on the lam in six states!
    However, over the course of the show he actually seems to get into the spirit of things. He even says Piper has a kilt! It’s a Christmas miracle!! However, at the end of the show he reveals he was just suckering Piper and the kids watching into thinking he was friendly, so he could dramatically reveal to all the kids out there than Santa isn’t real. He’s seriously evil about it too, I’ve got to give credit to him for coming off just about as dastardly as possible.

    BH: Get in real close kids, gather around the ol’ television set. I know you’re probably still excited about Christmas morning, playing with all your toys, but one thing you gotta remember… you don’t really think some slob in a red suit came down the chimney and gave you gifts, do you? Check mom and dad, they’re the ones with the cash!! There’s no Santa, Santa’s a scam!! That guy you sit on at the discount store is fresh out of detox!

    Not a real beard! What a SWERVE!!

    GM: If you keep this up, I’ll knock you out myself!

    BH: Would you beat up Santa?

    GM: I’d beat up someone like you!
    Piper does an awesome job of selling this, thinking back to when he was a kid on the streets and how Santa gave him a warm feeling, and thinking about his own kids waiting for presents to come down the chimney. Piper gets so worked up that he storms out of his studio.

    GM: I can’t believe you, why don’t you take these gifts back while you’re at it?

    BH: There was nothing in them anyway!
    Heenan gloats about his victory… until suddenly Piper busts into the main studio and attacks him!! Holy smokes, Piper beats the stuffing out of him!!

    Wait for it…

    What an awesome segment, I got chills all over again just thinking about it now. Piper is crazy and more than a little bad himself, but you can see he could have a soft spot for the kids, and to see this rich, entitled guy spit in the face of Christmas itself for no other reason than spite? I can totally buy that being the straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t know if these guys can co-exist on the same program anymore, so we’ll have to see if Piper is still the third man on Prime Time in the New Year. That was just great though.

    Merry Cage Match, Everyone!

    Roddy Piper vs. Rick Rude (w/Bobby Heenan), Steel Cage 12/28/89 WWF MSG

    Whether Piper returns to Prime Time or not, you can bet that he’ll take every chance to take revenge in the squared circle when he gets the chance! Since there have been so many issues with their past matches, we see things culminate here in the dreaded steel cage. There’s something nice about the era where this kind of match can decisively end a feud, isn’t there?

    Rude tries to jump Piper on his way in, but Piper fights him off quickly and sends him into the wall. Rude tries to climb out but Piper whips him with a belt! Rude gets bloodied, but a Heenan distraction allows him to get ahead of Piper again. They do a fun spot where Rude knocks down Piper but is blinded by the blood and can’t find the door, and Heenan tries to guide him through the cage wall. Both guys climb up at the same time and punch it out as they climb down, and both guys hit the floor at the same time. Fink declares the match must continue, so Rude waffles Piper with a chair. Rude takes Piper back in, but instead of winning Rude climbs to the top and hits a diving… something, off the top? It doesn’t look like much of anything, very weird spot for a heel to bust out. Rude climbs up AGAIN, but now Piper shakes the cage and Rude is scarily hung upside down from the top. Piper tries to go out the door and Heenan slams it on his face! Heenan tries to give Rude brass knuckles, but Piper gets them and clobbers Rude so he can finally escape for the win.

    That may be the final say in what turned out to be a pretty fun feud, not filled with classic matches but very fun on a character level and enjoyable enough when it came time to get it done in the ring.

    Awesomeness Rating: ***

    Better Get Those Belt Extenders

    Haku & Andre the Giant (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Ax & Smash, WWF Tag Team Championships 12/30/89 WWF Superstars

    Now that Heenan has made a clean break from this Brain Busters (miss those guys), he’s wasted no time pushing his latest tag team straight to a shot at the top! I imagine it was much easier to get a team with Andre in it a shot at the belts, considering how long better teams have had to wait in the past.

    Demolition attacks before the bell, because they are full of aggression! But honestly, it’s a solid strategy to attack before a guy like Andre can get his feet from under him, so there’s a certain psychology there that I appreciate. Incredibly, the Connection is actually able to knock back the initial assault without too much trouble, with Andre making the most of his limited offense (and Demolition selling great) and Haku once again picking up the slack, working overtime here and taking the fight to Demolition in a big way. The match isn’t terribly long, but it’s fun for what it is, and the fact that it has a bit of a story makes it that much better. In what could be considered a shocking moment, Haku drops his opponent with a powerful kick, which allows Andre to drop a huge elbow to quickly capture the tag team championships!! Great to see some gold for Andre, even this late in the game. Not to mention a great chance for Haku, who has deserved more recognition for a long time and has a chance in this team to show off twice as much offense as anyone else!

    Awesomeness Rating: **

    Haku & Andre the Giant (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Ax & Smash, WWF Tag Team Championships 12/28/89 WWF MSG

    The tag title change aired on the 30th, but I guess the change was recognized as soon as it happened in real time, because here the Connection already has the titles. This is similar but gets a LOT more time, seeing Haku go all out against both Demolition members and actually have the advantage is particularly awesome. He really was the perfect guy for this team, I actually really like the dynamic they’ve set up. Andre stays out of the match for a long while, but he has his moments as well when he gets more involved. Again, Demolition sells what he can still do as devastating, which is a benefit to the match as a whole. Demolition ends up counted out when Andre hurls them to the floor and they’re unable to make it back! I don’t think you’ll see a five star match with this formula but thanks to hard work and careful storytelling, this was very fun.

    After the match, Demolition comes back and dumps Andre outside before hitting the Decapitator on Haku. They count 3 for themselves and grab the titles. Those don’t belong to you, guys!

    Awesomeness Rating: ***

    Miscellaneous Quotes

    GM: We’re also gonna see Hillbilly Jim against the Genius!

    BH: You know, if the Genius had an IQ of 3, he’d still be 4 points ahead of Hillbilly.
    GM: Who does Sherri’s makeup, Dracula?

    BH: It’s different. That’s what’s great about America, you can be different.

    So, after suffering some tough losses in November, the Brain was able to rebound somewhat before the end of the year. True, both he and Rude ended up laid out by Piper for Christmas, but the Family did regain tag team gold! And, as a result of Piper’s attack, Heenan may have rid himself of one of his chief headaches on Prime Time Wrestling. All in all, things may be looking way up for the Weasel, and Wrestlemania VI is coming up before you know it! What will the road look like in a new decade? We’ll start to find out next time, you can be sure!

    That’s it for today, humanoids. I’ll be back soon with the next entry, until then don’t let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!
    Last edited by mizfan; 2 Weeks Ago at 05:13 PM.

  2. #2
    1. Am I the only one who loves those old square and/or rectangular boxes where people used to talk to each other from?
    2. Are you finding Piper a good match for Heenan or overbearing?
    3. "BH: Now there’s something I’ve never done, I’ve never gone out and purposely made fun of somebody. Unless they had it coming." Bobby and I have a similar logic at times. I appreciate good earnest false earnestness.
    4. "RP: The Bushwhackers may be nuts, but ain’t they great competitors?

    BH: Oh sure, and they’re great at picnics because the flies go for them instead of the food."

    5. "BH: No, you misunderstood. I asked you for a hint, and I also asked if you needed any extra cash for holiday shopping." Again, good, earnest, false earnestness (GEFE).
    6. Piper is also against spending money, so the image of purchases might have got him, too.
    7. "There’s something nice about the era where this kind of match can decisively end a feud, isn’t there?" Goddamn right.
    8. "
    So, after suffering some tough losses in November, the Brain was able to rebound somewhat before the end of the year." True mark of a successful person, particularly a successful heel. You better know how to exploit losses at least as well as wins.
    9. Heels don't seem to deserve holidays.
    10. Great stuff man. I like the gimmicky Christmas stuff. Makes me happy.

  3. #3
    "Talent isn't sexually transmitted." CanadianCrippler's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Tavistock, Ontario
    You officially have more bobby Heenan quotes in your repertoire than the entire fucking internet! My day was made reading through those Heenan one liners along with those glorious gifs. Seeing Piper smack the shit out of Bobby goes in your future Gifs hall of fame, fuckin' hilarious.

    Wait for it.

    And another excellent job well done MizFan

  4. #4
    Man, I always found that Andre tag title reign special. Titles didn't change hands a whole lot back then, and going back as a kid and watching those times were special to me.

    Man that Piper beat down on Bobby was intense....what a cool show prime time was...really had a lot of intesity building up but when actual physical violence happened it meant something..

    Love how Bobby or Monsoon could have an entertaining take on whatever side of the coin they happen to be on...Bobby would just as quick have an entertaining insult on Sherri's makeup if she were Babyface but has sn entertaining defence bc she's heel...

    Really enjoyed gettN caught up on these on my days off...good work as always, man!

  5. #5
    32B apparently SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I am currently writing YES Relived and have hit a roadblock. I said it on one of your last pieces but I'll say it again, your ability to minmax these things cannot be overstated. Given the wealth of things you could be talking about your brevity and self-control when pumping these out is amazing. Also the rate you church these out at is machine like. I don't think I entirely appreciated the craft behind these pieces until I started my own series in a similar vein.

    I've watched those Brain Buster matches you sent me. The Rockers one was my favourite because of how it all just exploded but I really loved all three, particularly the Hart Foundation one, I could watch those two teams fight on and on and I think they would find a way to keep it fresh and creative.

    Also Heenan makes a truly terrifying Santa, the kind of Santa that really would slide down the chimney, eat your milk and cookies, kiss your mother under the mistletoe and leave without giving you any presents.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Always a fun time here.

    I think you and I have gone over this before, but I greatly enjoy the fact that a fine actually meant something back in the day. Or that a match for cash meant something. One of the great problems of the shows today is that they have, in many ways, removed character motivation from the equation in WWE. I don't know if you saw RAW last night (I know you're not a huge WWE guy these days), but it was the first time in a long time where there was some continuity (for me at least) in continuing Seth having an issue with Jinder because of his being collateral damage in Jinder's issue with Reigns...then the continuity post-match of Elias being upset about Seth interrupting his concert for the match with Jinder and attacking Seth.

    In some ways that's exactly what you and I discussed in a recent column, the seamlessness of transition from feud to feud at this time. Now it's a pretty hokey reason for Elias to attack Rollins, but in the scheme of the narrative and in the world they've created, it makes all the sense in the world. It's part of the reason that the whole Money in the Bank concept or Royal Rumble works, because the characters have clear motivation to win the events. It's nice for me as a fan to see.

    Heenan was gold this month, he toes that line between dastardly and endearingly weaselly better than any wrestling personality ever for me. I always thought Angle did both sides of the coin well, but he wasn't able to transition between them. He was a goofy heel when he first came in, then once The Wrestling Machine persona happened, he lost much of that endearingly goofy and overbearing side. The Brain can do both from week to week or even in a given week, match, segment. The closest thing we might have in today's WWE is your buddy...The Miz. Since his promo on Bryan on Talking Smack he won over such a large percentage of the fanbase that he, like The Brain, is the kind of guy you love to hate. He's earned the fans' respect, and I think that's what Heenan did so well. The Miz doesn't show his serious/dastardly side as often as the Brain, and his goofy antics aren't quite as outrageous, but he captures the dynamic as well as anyone around today in my opinion, though on a much lesser scale.

    I honestly forgot that the Colossal Connection had won the tag titles. I also like that teams had team names almost always back in the day. It feels more cohesive to me. I made a marvel parallel in the last response, so I'll do it again here. All of the heroes of the marvel universe have their own movies etc, but at the end of the day, when they come together it's under The Avengers banner, and it makes it feel bigger, and more like a unit. I think the same holds true in wrestling. If you're a team, be a team, go all-in. Austin and Pillman were basically thrown together, and they were really good, but if they'd have been Austin and Pillman, and not the Hollywood Blondes I'm not sure they'd have been as popular.

    Another great one here sir!

  7. #7
    Senior Member 205 Clive's Avatar
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    May 2018
    More exemplary work from you Mizfan, and with more content churned out at a rate that outs Raw and SD's 5 hours as week to shame!

    Can't believe Heenan would make such a wild claim about Santa not being real. Shocking stuff, and very dastardly indeed!!!

  8. #8
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Feedback for the lovely feeders!

    Mystic –

    1. There are at least two of us!
    2. Both. Sometimes Piper is so wild he rebuffs any attempt at chemistry. When they are on though, it’s magic, and they’re on more often than not.
    3. The birth of GEFE!
    4. Making fun of the Bushwhackers is almost as easy as making fun of Jim Duggan, and almost as much fun too!
    5. GEFE strikes again!
    6. Haha, I’m not sure the origin of this comment but it made me laugh.
    7. Cage matches to end a feud is a trope near and dear to my heart!
    8. Heenan never gives up, he’s got the heart of a champion!
    9. Heels deserve only pain and humiliation, don’t you know?
    10. I too love the gimmicky stuff, it always warms my heart. Love the comments, thanks for stopping by!

    CC – The internet is a big place, but I do think my collection has grown to be pretty impressive! Thanks very much for the kind words, much appreciated.

    Benny Butts – This series has really embedded a deep love of Andre in me, even more than before. Even as he fell apart, all he wanted to do was be part of the business. He and Vince fell out before he died because Andre wanted to get mixing it up any way he could, and Vince didn’t want him on TV anymore. That makes me sad. Prime Time is the best thing about this era in my book, and yeah, anytime it gets physical it’s a serious “oh shit“ moment! And YES, the hypocrisy of the commentary is always hilarious to me. When somebody turns, they just trade scripts and start reading the other’s part, but somehow they make it work beautifully. Thanks for the read mate!

    Samwell – Make no mistake, it took me ages to hit on this format. I’m a little bit glad that some of the older editions have been wiped out, because they were nowhere near as good as this, way too much useless information. Glad you like what I’ve worked out here, anything I can do to help I’m happy to do! Glad you loved those Brain Buster matches, if you want more recommendations you know where to find me anytime! And I can absolutely see Heenan pulling just such a trick, probably because the snot nosed kid in the house disrespected him! Thanks for the read, it’s great to have you along on this ride.

    Rayman – I LOVE money being a motivation back in the day. Some guys wrestled for titles, sure, but others just wrestled for a payday, or to be famous, or to hurt people, or for pride, or for a dozen other things. It created a lot more variety. Nowadays everyone has to wrestle for the love of wrestling, to have a “moment”, even the heels. Sigh. But yeah, any sign of continuity/character/motivation creeping back into the modern day is great in my book!

    I actually really like that comparison between Heenan and Angle. Angle almost seems to be emulating Heenan’s style at times in his early years, not so much the funny one liners but his willingness to look goofy or foolish. That’s so important to wrestling, I think. I never liked wrestling machine Angle half so much as the Angle that could be funny. Obviously, a Miz comparison is going to be well received in my book. And YES, I am a big mark for teams with names! It does make everything seem more unified, like you’re seeing a true team instead of guys with no real connection slapped together. Imagine if the Avengers movies were called “Captain American & Iron Man”. It just wouldn’t be the same. Hollywood Blondes FTW! Thanks for the read man!

    Clive-05 – Hopefully I’m not quite so tedious as all those hours of Raw and Smackdown can be! Heenan was a man pushed to the edge, he was a wild man ready to say anything! That’s the only possible explanation!

    Thanks all for the great feed, I really do appreciate it a lot. 1990 starts soon, hopefully later today!

  9. #9
    32B apparently SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Dude, I would love any and all feedback on the actual writing I'm doing. It is weird not receiving it as regularly. Iron sharpens iron and I gotta stay sharp.

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