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  1. #1
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018

    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: Tower of Power (March '90)

    Greetings, mizfan fans! And welcome back to another edition of the long running, award winning Life & Times of Bobby Heenan Series. Weíre hot on the trail of Wrestlemania VI, which for Hogan means the Ultimate Challenge, but means a great many other things to us as followers of the Brain! Letís get right into the action, shall we?

    WWF, March Ď90
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    Rock Before Demolishing

    Haku & Andre the Giant vs. Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty 3/25/90 WWF Prime Time

    Itís Heenan Time!!

    The pride and joy of the Family right now is definitely the tag team champions, Andre & Hakuís Colossal Connection. They have a date with Demolition coming up at Wrestlemania, but before they get there they have to deal with none other than the Rockers. As you can imagine, the size disparity is pretty jarring, but then again you get to see Shawn Michaels taking on Andre the Giant, so thatís pretty awesome!

    Andre and Haku jump the Rockers before the bell to get the match going, which is a pretty good technique considering the only advantage the Rockers would have had is their speed. The Rockers rally fast and go back on the offensive, but they can only do so much against such overpowering size and strength, so it isnít long before they start to show wear and tear as their lightning attack tactics prove fairly ineffective. Haku ends up trapping Jannetty and beating him into the mat, and then in a great moment he specifically holds him in place in the ring as he tags Andre in. The Rockers want to pull back and try to come up with an alternative strategy to take on Andre, but Haku wonít let them, and in the end the Rockers end up basically getting wrecked in this one. I actually really appreciate that because it not only makes sense considering the size disparity, but also because the Connection made it happen by not letting the Rockers get out of the starting gate the way they wanted to. It looks like the Connection are closing in on the win, but Demolition runs in and blatantly cause a DQ, because they are cowards who can only attack Andre from behind! Even so, that was pretty good with a strong story and some very nice action, and Iím looking forward to the Demolition match at ĎMania.

    GM: Haku doesnít get to enjoy his success too much, the way you cut into his salary.

    BH: Hey, Iím gonna throw him a party heís gonna love.

    GM: Oh, a real bologna blowout?

    BH: No, Sapphire wonít be there.
    Awesomeness Rating: ***ĺ

    A Barbaric New Family Member

    Further bolstering the Family, on the March 10th we learn that Fuji has sold the Barbarianís contract to Bobby Heenan! Heenan is proud to bring a new monster into the Family, and Barbarian is ready to go tear up some people. Iím honestly surprised they broke up the Powers of Pain so soon, but Iíve really come to appreciate Barbarian over the years, so we should have some fun stuff to see with him in the Family. Not much comes of this yet, but you know itíll be important as the year rolls on!

    Criminal Minds

    Oh Crap, We Forgot About Rude

    So thereís basically no build for this whatsoever, but we also learn that Rick Rude is going to be taking on Jimmy Snuka at Wrestlemania. This is lame because Snuka is basically a low midcarder at this point, and also as Iíve said before at this point in his career heís already nearly useless in the ring. Unless you like that one spot where he does an exaggerated chop to a running guy, youíre basically not gonna see anything worthwhile. And Rude is not exactly a carry-artist, soÖ yeah, this could be bad, and feels like itís below Rude. Hopefully it turns out to be a squash match, because Rude can do so much more than this.

    GM: Even if you beat Jimmy Snuka, what do you expect to get from him?

    BH: I know what you can get from Snuka. Malaria.

    High In Their Tower, Itís the Prime Time Hour

    On March 19th, Prime Time has a special episode from the top of the CN Tower, the tallest building in Toronto!

    GM: Weíre gonna be broadcasting right from the top of the tallest tower in Toronto. I figured youíd like that spot.

    BH: I donít like heights. I donít even like tall girls.

    GM: Oh, I figured youíd be comfortable up there.

    BH: Now wait, letís get this straight. When we went to Tucson, you had me pulled backwards through a window, through a pair of doors, you almost drowned me on a boat out in Los Angeles, and now I know whatís gonna happen. Youíre gonna heave me off that tower!

    GM: You donít have to go, you can stay right here.

    BH: Itís important I go, I have to host it! Is it more than 4 floors high?

    GM: Considerably more.
    Despite Heenanís reservations, he finds a way to get excited about the experience.

    BH: What can you do up in that tower? Can you see for miles around?

    GM: Sure, you can see most of Toronto!

    BH: Can you peep in windows?

    GM: I knew heíd find something unpleasant to be excited about.

    Focus, Bobby.

    As usual, things start to go wrong for Heenan very quickly.

    BH: I walked up 17,000 steps to get here, and youíre telling me thereís an elevator?

    GM: But arenít you happy to be here?

    BH: I think the buildingís starting to sway.
    But at least the unique perspective allows him to make some journalistic discoveries!

    BH: You see that little house down there?

    GM: Yes, so?

    BH: I just saw the guy come out, and then Jack Tunney went in dressed like a milkman.
    Unfortunately, they donít do very much shtick on the episode, but itís still a lot of fun. I always appreciate getting out of the studio, it always gives them a chance to do some different shtick.

    Donít you hate when you canít find the funnies?

    Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

    Since Heenan is still not doing Challenge, I didnít get a close view of all the angles leading into ĎMania VI, but of course Heenan will have his say about the top matches, such as Ted DiBiase vs. Jake RobertsÖ

    BH: DiBiase is a man who hangs around country clubs, the best of the best. And you would favor a guy who hangs around with 57 slimy snakes?

    GM: Snakes arenít slimy.

    BH: Have you ever touched a snake?

    GM: Many times.

    BH: Theyíre dripping with slime.

    GM: They are not!!
    The Dusty Rhodes/Sapphire vs. Randy Savage/Sensational Sherri mixed tag matchÖ

    BH: You take someone off the street, like Sapphire, and put her in the ring, what is she gonna do?

    GM: Donít you think the Dream is preparing her?

    BH: Oh great, they can do the two step, and soon theyíll be able to do the cha-cha.
    Mr Perfect vs. Brutus BeefcakeÖ

    BH: Mr Perfect only thinks about wrestling, all the time. Beefcake just thinks about cutting hair.

    GM: If Perfect is only thinking of wrestling, why is he associating himself with that scum of the wrestling world?

    BH: Heís dating Jakeís wife?!?

    GM: No, I mean the Genius!
    And of course, the big match itself, Hulk Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior.

    BH: I donít think Warrior would accept a victory if Hogan were injured, and Hoganís the same kind of guy. So, theyíre both stupid.
    Miscellaneous Quotes

    BH: Iím Bobby ďThe BrainĒ Heenan, your Prime Time and Wrestlemania host.

    GM: Oh, so youíre the Wrestlemania host too?

    BH: Yes.

    GM: Wonít that be nice. Do you want to tell the people about our Ultimate Challenge Special?

    BH: No, youíll just try to correct me.
    GM: What do you know about this Orient Express?

    BH: I know theyíre not from Cleveland!
    BH: Do you know the difference between unlawful and illegal?

    GM: I know, but Iím sure you have your own ideas.

    BH: Unlawful means itís against the law. Ill eagle means itís a sick bird.

    GM: Can you be serious?!?
    GM: Special airdates for the Ultimate Challenge special are March 25 & 26-

    BH: Hey, I donít work two days in a row!

    GM: You donít work any days in a row.
    GM: Say, I need four of those tickets I got for us.

    BH: Too bad. Hey, Iíll sell Ďem to you!

    GM: Youíll sell them to me??

    BH: Ok, Iíll give you one ticket.

    GM: Donít bother!

    BH: Deal.
    BH: Why did they name a town after the Lone Rangerís sidekick?

    GM: Not Tonto, Toronto!

    BH: Close enough.
    GM: The Bushwhackers never had a chance to wrestle your men, did they?

    BH: No, we donít wrestle garbage men.

    GM: Well, I admit itís hard to figure the Bushwhackers out.

    BH: Very hard to prepare against the unprepared.
    BH: You always connive against me, try to make me look bad, but you canít do. One thing I never do is look foolish.

    GM: Oh, of course. Except on national television.
    BH: If you miss Wrestlemania, donít ask your friends what happened. Send me $58.30, and Iíll let you know everything that went down.
    GM: Weíre gonna see Dino Bravo against Jim Duggan.

    BH: Boy, thatíll be something. The Worldís Strongest Man against The Worldís Dumbest Man.

    This is how you use a phone, dummies!

    And that brings us right up to the eve of Wrestlemania VI! Itís a little annoying, for me at least, that ĎMania goes back and forth between March and April, but ah well, weíll get to the big show in due time. For now Heenan is still riding high with the tag team champions, Rude will probably have an easy victory at Wrestlemania (god, I hope so), and with the Barbarian now in the mix the Family could be in a very good position in the post Wrestlemania season. Or it could all fall apart overnight! Only time can tell, but Iím looking forward to it all!

    Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I love that "selling a contract" used to be a thing. I know it's all kayfabe stuff, but those little touches meant so much to me. Also, I know from reading that you're a Haku fan, and that over the years you've come to appreciate The what are your thoughts on the Faces of Fear team from WCW with the two together?

    This seemed like a bit of a slow month, but man there were so many great quotes this month. The one about the tickets was so good. The two men together are gold. Looking forward to the next installement!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I know you've heard it (probably from me) but I would seriously consider writing a book. You definitely have the talent to do it. FYI, I miss all you CF'ers a lot. I get yelled at and called names in the comments section of my columns.. was not the case here. lol.

  4. #4
    Love the idea of the Rockers vs Andre and Haku. I don't see the Rockers as overrated or HBK for that matter. The Rockers were able to be such good underdogs but make you feel they always had a chance to win. Wrestling is as much about making people feel something.

    Man loved that left field comment from Bobby Heenan calling of all people Jake's wife the scum of the earth. Hilarious.

    Enjoyed this award winning series. The quality never dips. The series only expands. I agree as well, you could go back and edit it to one format like the one you have now and make a better Bobby Heenan book than anybody on earth.

    Also, loved Typeitman's comment about getting yelled had me cracking up. Shows what cowards people are. In the forums there's community. Where there's no community, you get more anonymous assholes.
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 06-13-2018 at 01:32 PM.

  5. #5
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Some feed for the feeders!

    Rayman – I definitely miss the kayfabe business side of things that you’d see a lot back in the day. Money and contracts used to be an organic part of the story, instead of rarely coming up except when they want to do a “shoot” angle. I’m a BIG fan of the Faces of Fear, as you might have guessed, and I think it’s criminal they never got a tag title reign! I think WWF should have kept them together and on the payroll, but sadly this run will be pretty much all they do together for the time being. The recurring angle of Heenan trying to scam tickets from Monsoon for every big show is a thing of beauty, and they never do quite the same joke twice. Thanks for the read and feed, great to hear from you!

    Tiiin Man – Dude! I miss you down here too! The MP is a bit of a lonely place, as I found out for myself some years back, so I get you. Feel free to spend some more time down here, you’re always welcome! Thanks for the kind words, as always.

    Benny Butts – See, I do find the Rockers a bit overrated, as it’s kind of taken at face value that they were the best of the era and ahead of their time, but there have been times I’ve been a little put off by them. They’re still a great team though, no question, and the Colossal Connection match was very fun. The Jake’s wife thing is almost certainly a throwback to the Rude/Jake feud, which I greatly appreciated! Continuity of character, dammit! And you and I are on the same page when it comes to the value of community in conversation. That’s what’s wrong with the internet today, dammit! Thanks for the read and the kind words, I appreciate it a lot.

    I’m back on the boards (obviously) so I’ll try to get a new edition out in the near future. Lots to catch up on! Stay tuned, all!

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I'm working on a heel turn on the mp with one low blow black lives matter column..

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