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  1. #1
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018

    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: A Giant Loss (April '90)

    Greeting, mizfan fans! And welcome to another quote filled, gif packed edition of this monstrous entity known as the Heenan series. Sorry for the hiatus, life gets in the way, doesnít it? But now we are back, and hopefully will be able to roll on without much trouble! Are you ready for the Ultimate Challenge?? I hope not, because that has nothing to do with our man Heenan! But you better get in that Wrestlemania spirit, because itís time to roll through the sixth edition and find a way to live with the fallout. Letís dive right in, shall we?

    WWF, April Ď90
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    A Giant Loss

    Jesus, just LOOK at Andre.

    GO: Ladies and gentlemen, Iím standing here with the Colostomy Connection-

    BH: Hey baldy, whatíd you call them?

    GO: The Colossal Connection!

    BH: Oh no you didnít! But if you want to talk ďevacuationĒ, letís talk about Demolition!
    Haku & Andre the Giant (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Ax & Smash, WWF Tag Team Championships 4/1/90 WWF Wrestlemania VI

    Hereís your Wrestlemania main event as far as the Family is concerned! After winning the titles under shady circumstances, Heenan has used a unique strategy for this massive team. A mostly immobile Andre stands on the apron while Haku rips people to shreds, then Andre comes in for a couple big hits at the end and takes it home. Itís actually quite fun because itís a really unique psychology, theyíre able to preserve Andreís impact as long as possible, and Haku is completely awesome. But will it work against the former champs?

    Huge pop for Demolition, but that only gets you so far, because Andre and Haku attack them from behind before the bell! Andre is looking very rough here, sadly. Haku looks great though. Heenan slyly smacks Ax in the face and lures him to a waiting Andre as he acts innocent.

    You wish you could be as cool as The Brain.

    Haku is owning in this match, with Heenan and Andre playing backup and enhancing things. Smash gets the hot tag and has a great run of offense, and they double team Andre to take him down. Andre tries to recover but Haku kicks him by mistake, and heís tied up in the ropes! One Decapitation on Haku later, and Demolition are 3 time tag champs!! Obviously there were some limits to the physicality, but honestly this was just fun, and really well executed for what they were trying to do.

    Oh BobbyÖ no. You shouldnít do that.

    Heenan berates Andre after the match, as the crowd chants weasel. Heenan is even poking him. HEENAN SLAPS ANDRE!! ANDRE GRABS HEENAN TO A HUGE POP!! Heenan begs off like his life depends on it, but Andre smacks him anyway! Heenan sells it like his neck broke all over again. Haku tries to kick Andre, but Andre catches it and beats up Haku to boot. Bye bye, Andre. It was a great three year heel run. This is the last time Andre will compete in the WWF, and the Family is back down to three members.

    GM: How do you sleep at night?

    BH: I fluff the pillows, pull up the covers, and-

    GM: And pray to god Andre doesnít find out where you are!

    Instant Redemption!

    And of course, Gene Okerlund canít miss a chance to give Heenan a hard time after the match!

    GO: Bobby, you seem harder to get along with than a mother-in-law on a weekend visit to my house.

    BH: Donít you concern yourself with getting along with me! Iím the easiest guy in the WORLD to get along with! But when youíre 540 lbs and 7í4, and it takes 2 Ĺ hours for your blood to reach your brain, you donít think real well!

    GO: But where do you get the ba-, er, the nerve to hit Andre the Giant in the face?

    BH: Iíll tell you where I got the NERVE to hit Andre the Giant in the face! You take orders from ME! IíM the head of the Family! You listen to me, you go to the top! You donít listen to me, youíre never heard from again! Now youíre committed palÖ

    GO: What, are you at a loss for words for the first time ever?

    BH: NO IíM NOT! We just lost a championship! HE stood on the apron, WOULDNíT get in the ring, WOULDNíT help Haku, Haku had to carry the load! Is he lazy? Is he incompetent?!? Iím through with him! Iím starting a NEW Family! With new members! Ones that will LISTEN!!!
    Awesomeness Rating: ****

    Rick Rude Is Coming

    Rick Rude (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Jimmy Snuka 4/1/90 WWF Wrestlemania VI

    In the early 90s, if youíre a big name but they didnít bother making a Wrestlemania storyline for you, you get to wrestle Jimmy Snuka. Yay. Rude attacks Snuka from behind to start things off. Rude tries to bump big for Snuka, and Iíve got to admit Rude has actually gotten pretty good at it by this point. Sadly, Snuka doesnít really have anything left at this point. Thereís also some comedian on commentary making lame jokes who doesnít seem to know whatís going on. Rude wins clean with the Rude Awakening, putting this forgettable ĎMania counter to bed.

    Awesomeness Rating: *ĺ

    BH: You know, Rick Rude is the only man to ever beat the Warrior for a title.

    GM: I didnít ask you that.

    BH: No, but I told you that.
    Soon after Wrestlemania, we start to see vignettes of Rick Rude working out with Heenan and cutting promos on Warrior, bragging that heís beaten him for a title before and now heíll do it again! Iím amazed they started the build to Summerslam all the way back in April. Weíll see how it pays off.

    Barbaric Happenings

    Barbarian (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Tito Santana 4/1/90 WWF Wrestlemania VI

    Two generally underrated guys get the chance to show off their stuff at Wrestlemania, which is fine with me. They do a pretty good job with the time theyíre given, though they donít really have the chance to tear the house down or anything. Tito almost gets the win but Heenan helps Barbarian put his foot on the ropes. Barbarian comes back to win with a very nice diving clothesline.

    Awesomeness Rating: ***Ĺ

    Lone Islander

    Haku (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Ultimate Warrior, WWF Championship 4/28/90 WWF Saturday Nightís Main Event

    Ventura: Bobby Heenan, youíve gotten your man Haku a title shot tonight in, of all places, Texas.

    BH: Oh yeah, Texas. I used to think this state was only good for tobacco chewing women, horse manure, armadillos, dirty politics, saddle sores, cow dung, illegal aliens, and of course the always popular horse flies, but after tonight Texas will be remember for something else when Haku makes history! Texans will finally have something and someone to be proud of. All those ham and eggers who got kicked at the Alamo, Davey Crockett, Sam Houston, John Houston, Jim Bowie, Rosemary Coonie, theyíll all be forgotten after tonight. Remember the Alamo, but you can forget about the Ultimate Warrior!
    Never one to sit on his hands, Heenan has secured a title shot for his man against Warrior. Itíd be a sticky situation for Bobby if Haku actually won and he had to explain to Rude he wasnít getting a title shot anymore, but I guess we can feel pretty good that it wonít be a problem. This is Warriorís first chance to show what he can do as champion, and I may be biased against the guy but christ, he really gets exposed fast under these circumstances. Warrior is limited as hell. Much less fun than Hogan, to be quite frank. Warrior sells little and wins with ease after hulking up worse than Hogan ever did. Bleah, already sick of this reign.

    Awesomeness Rating: ĺ*

    Haku (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. Hercules 4/30/90 WWF MSG

    Much more exciting than that is the battle of the Family members! Herc makes threatening motions towards Heenan, who is happy to trash talk from outside the ring. I guess heís still not over being sold to DiBiase. The match itself is a bit slow in pacing but both guys are strong and capable of hitting hard, so the result is pretty solid. Herc surprisingly wins, with a flash pin no less! Heenan goes to join Alfred Hayes and Monsoon on commentary after the match, and we get this wonderful exchange:

    BH: It doesnít matter how big you are or how much you can bench if you canít think when youíre in there.

    GM: I guess thatís why Haku got beat, huh?

    BH: He did not get beat!

    GM: Oh? I could have sworn I heard the announcer say Hercules was the winner.

    AH: Distinctly got beat.
    Awesomeness Rating: ***

    Return to Challenge

    On April 8th, Heenan is back on Challenge commentary for the first time in ages, and his partner is none other than Vince McMahon. Strange that he comes back to the show after quitting dramatically with little fanfare, and without his usual partner. Tony Schiavone has likely crept back south at this point, and Monsoon may be having health problems, but still I have no idea if this is a permanent return.

    VM: Youíre being very secretive this week, Bobby.

    BH: After whatís gone down lately, Iíll probably be secretive for the rest of my life.

    VM: You being secretive! Ha! Youíll spill your guts.

    BH: I think Iíll take that as a personal insult.

    VM: Ok.

    BH: That doesnít seem to bother you very much.

    VM: Iím busy, itíll probably bother me later.

    The Amazing Shrinking Family?

    Last but not least, a small hint to the future of the Heenan Family. Of course Monsoon is quick to make fun of Heenan for losing Andre from the Family, but on Prime Time Heenan promises to once again introduce a new member soon! I hope itís finally who Iíve been waiting forÖ

    Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

    Strike Force Powers Explode

    Rick Martel vs. Tito Santana 4/4/90 WWF Glens Falls

    GM: What do you think of that fragrance, ďArroganceĒ?

    BH: One whiff of that, you have to beat the ladies back with a board. And have you smelled Tito Santana lately? Very niceÖ if you like enchiladas.

    GM: Sorry I asked.
    Heenan and Monsoon on commentary, which is nice, but mostly Iím just excited to finally get to see these guys go at it!

    BH: I put a little of Martelís ďArroganceĒ behind my ears and went on a flight, and the stewardesses were all over me.

    GM: Let me guess, you didnít have a ticket right?
    They broke up a year ago but somehow all their previous matches have either not been online or not featured Heenan on commentary.

    BH: Do you know what ďarribaĒ means? It means ďswim faster, the border guards are right behind us!Ē

    GM: Ugh, please. Canít you ever come out here and be serious?

    BH: ďSwim, Lopez, swim!Ē ďI canít amigo, the alligator got me!Ē
    It was worth the wait though, as Martel is still really, really good, though heíll always be better as a face. Plus, there is a HUGE amount of hilarious commentary in this one!

    BH: You and all the humanoids, at any given time you only know 1/10th of what Iím up to.

    GM: Iím not eager to find out about the other 9/10ths!
    Martel tries to play up a leg injury for sympathy, but Tito instead attacks if viciously!

    BH: Tito put the hold on the wrong leg!

    GM: That hold puts pressure on both legs, Brain.

    BH: Are you saying Iím wrong?

    GM: I am.

    BH: Well it doesnít matter anyway, because the leg is ambidextrous.

    GM: A leg canít be ambidextrous!

    BH: It can if youíre a chicken! Did you ever have a chicken leg that didnít taste good on both sides?

    GM: Please!!

    BH: Iím ambidextrous, Iím just as charming at night as I am during the day.

    GM: Would you stop?!?
    Some great back and forth in this one. I feel like this feud gets little attention, but itís top notch in the ring if nothing else.

    GM: Tito Santana, close but no cigar.

    BH: Close but no burrito.
    After a tough battle, Martel uses the perfume spray to get the cheap victory.

    GM: Martel has blinded Tito with that perfume!

    BH: Eh, Tito deserved it.
    Most amazingly of all, Heenan made a dinner bet with Monsoon on the outcome of this match and ACTUALLY WON! That has literally never happened before, and probably never will again!

    BH: I actually won our dinner bet!! Weíre going to the nicest joint in town! And Iím driving, I want to order at the window first!

    GM: PleaseÖ

    BH: Come on, I want some NUGGETS!!
    Awesomeness Rating: ****Ĺ

    How Many Wrestlers Are Afraid Of Snakes?

    Jake Roberts vs. Bad News Brown 4/30/90 WWF MSG

    BH: Iím not afraid of snakes, but that thing Jake Roberts carries around is horrible.

    GM: I remember I used to have oneÖ

    BH: Yes! You carried around a bag for six months! Why would you carry something like that around??

    GM: I left it in the backseat of your car.
    Because writing wrestling feuds is really hard, Bad News Brown also has a fear of snakes but is still feuding with Jake Roberts. I guess lots of people are afraid of snakes, but it does feel a little lazy to go back to that well as the main driving force for a feud so many times.

    GM: Brown isnít being very intelligent about this, there arenít any poisonous snakes in North America that can kill you.

    AH: It could be an imported snake.

    BH: It could be from Newark! Lots of things there will kill you!

    GM: Well, thatís certainly possible.
    As we go into the match, Jake naturally uses the bag for psychological advantage. Brown gains the advantage eventually and wants to smack Damianís bag with a chair!! Jake stops him though. Jake spends a great deal of time selling, almost like heís knocked out. Brown even gets on the mic while he lies on the mat, and calls him garbage and says that Jake belongs to him. It was all part of a lengthy ploy though, as Jake finally surprises Brown with a DDT and gets the win.

    GM: Jake Roberts, looking very upset with himself.

    BH: If you had to wake up every day and be Jake the Snake, youíd be upset too.
    Awesomeness Rating: ***ľ

    Money Canít Buy A Win

    Big Bossman vs. Ted DiBiase 4/30/90 WWF MSG

    For some reason, Heenan storms out of the booth early in this one, furious about both Bossmanís behavior and about his broadcast partners, but I really like both guys so I decided to watch this anyway. DiBiase stalls early on until Bossman gets on the mic and says get in here so I can kick your ass!!! Hell yeah!!! The man is a decade before his time. Very smart and interesting match where Bossman runs over Ted left and right, until Ted manages to hit a liver shot which really shuts down Bossman. DiBiase is able to keep going back to that shot again and again every time Bossman starts getting his wind back. Itís a very strong, continuous story with great psychology. Bossman canít get back on an offensive roll, but he surprises him with a running small package, of all things, to get the win! Humongous pop!! Ted and Virgil beat Bossman up after the bell, still working on the liver, but he gets his night stick and the heels bail.

    Awesomeness Rating: ****ľ

    The Two Titles

    GM: What do you think theyíll do about this situation with the Warrior holding two titles?

    BH: They should strip him of both and give one to Rude and one to Haku.
    The big question now is what to do with the Intercontinental Title. Will Warrior keep it and defend both? Will he have to vacate it? Of course, in the end itís decided by Jack Tunney that the IC title will be vacated. More on its fate next month! There is also a silly thing where Tunney denies Hogan a rematch for the title, as the match was ďtoo damagingĒ for both competitors. Itís really hard to do a test of strength for 10 straight minutes, I guess!

    Öok Bobby, thatís a little creepy.

    BH: So what is Hulk Hogan gonna do now that heís lost the world title? Well, when you go into work tomorrow and someone parks your car for you, look closely. It might be the Hulkster!

    Miscellaneous Quotes

    VM: Iíd like to talk to you about the result of the tag team championship match at Wrestlemania.

    BH: Wow, the Brawler has really taken over this match, huh?

    VM: I said, Iíd like to talk to you about Wrestlemania!

    BH: For a guy as strong as Hercules, heís sure having a lot of trouble isnít he?
    VM: Mr Fuji, striking Paul Roma with that cane!

    BH: No, heís just waking the guy up.
    BH: Tell me McMahon, on Garvin, is that hair or are those nerve endings?

    VM: Well havenít you ever seen Bart, on the Simpsons?

    BH: I donít watch childrenís programming.

    VM: Itís not childrenís programming, itís the Simpsons!

    BH: Is it real life or is it animated?

    VM: Kind of like you, itís animated.
    BH: Would you say Garvin is a good wrestler?

    VM: Iíd say heís an excellent wrestler.

    BH: Oh yeah, he knocks a guy down with a punch and then runs around and stomps on them. What great ďwrestlingĒ.

    VM: I think heís trying to send a message, Bobby.

    BH: Oh, I KNOW what heís trying to do. Kick an unconscious man.
    VM: And thereís Earthquakeís opponent, Jim Gorman.

    BH: You mean there WAS Jim Gorman.
    BH: After a match with Earthquake you donít have to check into your hotel room, they can just slide you under the door.
    BH: Those Bushwhackers, they just show up wherever they want and start yelling. Theyíre very rude.

    VM: Ok, so theyíre rude!

    BH: Theyíre living proof the Three Stooges did have children.
    VM: Mr Heenan, how can you possibly mention the great Elvis Presley in the same sentence as Rhythm & Blues?

    BH: Youíre right, he doesnít really measure up.
    VM: These fans are telling Honky Tonk Man what they think of his signing.

    BH: No, theyíre booing the audio man because they want it louder!
    GM: What are you hiding for?

    BH: Iím not hiding, I just canít watch Dusty and Sapphire dance. You ever see two semis on a slippery highway?
    GM: Hereís a man who has never lied in his entire life-

    BH: Me.

    GM: My good friend, Sean Mooney.

    BH: Who?
    BH: Do you mind, Iím setting somebody straight here!

    GM: Heís on the phone with somebody, of course.

    BH: Monsoon, he gave me bogus tickets, talk to him, not to me. Hey, if you say something like that again, Iíll slap your face! Ok, talk to you later Mom.
    BH: You see that Hercules has an H on his boot?

    GM: For Hercules, of course.

    BH: No, humanoid! He might be the leader of them!
    BH: I donít want anybody to buy or wear anything about Demolition.

    GM: Well, thatís just going to increase the sales.

    BH: No it wonít! The people will listen to me!

    Phew! And so we return on a packed month that sees Andre break from the Family as the tag titles depart the group, but there is also the promise of a main event feud for Rick Rude and possible new Family members on the horizon. What will Rude do to prepare for another match with the Warrior? Will Heenan try to get his men on the hunt for the vacant Intercontinental Championship? Does he have further plans for revenge on Demolition? Will he be reunited with Gorilla Monsoon on Challenge, just as he eventually was on Prime Time? Time will tell as the new decade rolls on!

    Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

  2. #2
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    I was waiting for this series to get to Andre turning on Bobby. I love how the crowd is just instantly back on Andre's side. Shows both how beloved Andre was and just how despised Heenan was.

  3. #3
    Man, saw this up earlier and couldn't wait to get home to read it fully. And it delivered as always.

    Always liked the Wrestle-Mania 6 thing with Andre. Somehow I seem to be remembering the cart ride thing caught in the mix, but maybe my memory isn't clear. For sure though, a lot of things going full circle here. The ring/cart/ride like the one Bobby and Andre came down together at 3 on, Andre going out getting tied up in the ropes, Andre going out on Mania as an active competitor the way he started Mania-- feuding with Bobby.

    Even when Andre got the pop, I dont know if baby-face Andre ever came out of his trance or if heel Andre was angry or if Andre was always a mixture of both and age just brought more and more the heel out of him.

    WWE never got Haku right. Score one for Doubya C Doubya.

    Even before you wrote it, i was thinkin how Warrior mus've been the lamest WWE champion up till his time.

    Really liked the Bossman/Million Dollar Man match from MSG. Never seen/heard of it. A clean win is most surprising. Also, Bossman swearing surprised me. Gotta look this up....

    Great comeback!
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 08-11-2018 at 04:40 AM.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018

    I've been checking these forums religiously for the next installment and was so excited when I saw Saturday it was up to sit down and read it, and finally got the chance this morning.

    As always you delivered here and it's just so much fun.

    We've discussed this before, but it's so weird in today's social climate to see the things that Heenan got away with saying 30 years ago that he'd be fired for today. A fair portion of his material would be considered overtly racist in today's day and age. Speaking of which, it was so odd to me to see him make reference to illegal aliens in his Texas rant. It's crazy to think that this has been something on this country's radar for so long and is now hitting a boiling point in society.

    That's part of what I find so engrossing about these columns, it's like hopping in a time machine and not just appreciating Bobby's greatness, but seeing how much the wrestling world and real world has changed in the last few decades. It's pretty damn crazy.

    "Because writing wrestling feuds is really hard, Bad News Brown also has a fear of snakes but is still feuding with Jake Roberts."

    This is one of my favorite lines from you. I remember thinking something similar when I was little like "why are all these guys who are afraid of snakes fighting Jake, just fight someone else". So glad to see this back!

  5. #5
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Samwell – And I’ve been waiting for that was well! The crowd does indeed instantly revert to Andre, and I think you’ve hit it dead on why it was so easy. I will put extra emphasis on the idea that anyone on god’s green earth could have become an instant babyface by popping Heenan, he was just that important. Great to have you back, Sam!

    Benny – Your kind feedback warms my heart as always, my friend. You’re absolutely right, the cart was involved again! I had forgotten but Andre very pointedly rides it back by himself, leaving a busted up Heenan and Haku to fend for themselves. Andre being tied up in the ropes is indeed a touchstone as well, and feuding with Heenan one last time. I think they would have done more with him if they could, this isn’t the last time he will appear in the series, but his wrestling days in the US were over. What’s really amazing, if that’s the right word, is that he kept doing six man tags in Japan until a month or two before he passed. I don’t know if I’d want to see them…

    I like the idea of Andre being in a trance all these years. It was mentioned many times that Heenan relationship with Andre was different than with his other clients, that Andre basically did anything he felt like it and Heenan swallowed it just so he could have a big gun in his back pocket. That version of Andre might indeed be the one who kicked Bobby out of the ring at the end of the match. Did nice guy Andre ever truly return? A question for the ages.

    Love the praise of Meng in WCW, and your shared dislike of Warrior’s lameness. When he suddenly disappears, it’s the best. I’m up to early ’92 in my watchingand I’m dreading his return already.

    WWE took down the Bossman/DiBiase MSG match, sadly, but someday I hope they’ll post the damn thing on the Network, because it’s great stuff. Thanks so much for the read and feed!

    Rayman – Always great to hear from you man! I think you’re my longest running regular commentor on this series, and for that I’ll always be grateful.

    A lot of Heenan’s shtick would be quite problematic today, but I think he might get away with at least some of it even now because it’s always so clear that he’s playing this character, this small minded buffoon who is meant to be seen as the fool as he spouts off ignorantly (even if he’s funny in the process). He’s the Archie Bunker of wrestling, in more ways than one.

    Haha, I’m glad I’m not the only one who is thinking that guys who hate snakes so much should just find someone else to tangle with! But I guess that’s the pride of a wrestler, to confront his weakness. Brown is, if nothing else, a serious badass, even he’s about to do something silly… tune in next time for that!

    Thanks all for the feed, I love it! Working on the new part, hopefully dropping very soon!

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