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  1. #1
    Senior Member
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    May 2018
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    136

    What Am I Thankful For?

    What Am I Thankful for?


    Well it wasn’t this morning. Preparing and making Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people while cleaning the house alone, besides of course my 3 and 5 year old boys… (big help!) [/Sarcasm]


    It wasn’t when I found our rabbit dead in her cage, minutes before I had to get the turkey in the oven, while my 3 year old screamed at me from another room because…well, he’s 3. Pick a reason. But I wasn’t thankful for any of that. Swallowing down my own emotions while cooking with my back to the boys, playing music on my tablet loud enough so they wouldn’t hear me sniffling and tearing up, partially because I knew I had to tell them, partially because I loved her. But they couldn’t know she was gone until after I got the turkey in the oven, because I was already overwhelmed.


    You see, our rabbit was family. Her cage door was always left open. Her water there. Some shavings, essentially her cage was her bathroom, but she had the run of the house. Often though, she was someplace else. She’d sleep in the youngest boys room a lot, because he’s a little animal whisperer like me- they all protect him. She’d hang out with the oldest sometimes in his room when he wasn’t being too overzealous- like the abominable snowman in those old cartoons. She had a mentality like theirs. She was social, happy, and liked to run around. She scavenged like you wouldn’t believe. She was essentially a super soft, tiny goat roaming about our house scoring meals from careless toddlers. And I was her human. She was like another child to us minus the fact that she tried to molest me more times than Harvey Weinstein at a label/album tryout. She was a creep, but she was our creep- and she was dead as a doornail in her cage, 10 feet away from the kitchen as the boys asked me questions about what I was cooking, and if I personally killed the turkey. And if they could eat the bacon, despite it being raw.


    These are not moments I’m thankful for.


    Well rather, I wasn’t then.


    But dinner went off without a hitch. My girlfriend finally made it home from work so I could shower and sob a bit out of sight of the kids. The food was of course perfect. Everyone had a good time- as if the hours while the turkey cooked, and my oldest son sobbed and sobbed while uncharacteristically staring out a window, and my youngest kept asking when bun bun was going to wake up so he could play with her, never happened. Aside from my kids parroting the news of bunnies death to my mom and dad about a hundred times. The youngest still asking when she was going to wake up...



    And I drank. A lot. I waited until adults were there so I could get hammered. I kept seeing her sitting on the floor out of the corner of my eye in the kitchen while I was cooking. I’d turn and remember that it couldn’t be her. My mind was playing tricks. All while my kids screamed and or cried, and I tried to focus on keeping it all together. I kind of unraveled once other adults were around. My parents knew. They know I’m no good with losing pets. I've always been miserable at that. To the point of not wanting pets at all anymore, because I can’t handle the goodbye part. So I drank. I’m still fairly drunk honestly. Not drunk enough apparently…


    There.


    As much as I wanted to punt her through a window sometimes, I loved that rabbit. She really was family. She followed me everywhere, like a shadow. Almost every morning that I came home from work she would greet me in the kitchen, then follow me through the house. She licked my legs and arms fucking constantly, which I've been told is extremely rare rabbit activity towards a human. I was her human. And losing her feels like losing a piece of myself. Everytime I walk downstairs I swear she’s sitting in the corner of the room I’m in. My mind waging war. Reminding me of her impact on me.


    Like wrestling.


    Even when I’m sick of it. Even when I think I’m bored or done- it has left such an imprint on me that even if I was free of it I wouldn’t truly be free… my mind would bring me back to what I was trying to escape from… It.


    I’ve spent more than three decades with wrestling as a regular member of my family. That personal family that your heart chooses. I’ve loved it, even when it annoys the shit out of me. Even when it does what I don’t want it to do. Like the rabbit chewing the wires behind the fucking tv, or knocking everything off the tables, or trying to snipe food off my kids plates while they were still eating! WWE has been like that lately for me.


    But there’s moments when you lose the things, or people, or tiny, furry, perverted goats you love- and then they’re gone forever.


    And it reminds you of how much those things, or people, or tiny, furry, perverted goats meant to you. And in those moments of realization the frustration just melts...


    We’re mad.


    Long time fans. We’re mad. We’re still in love though. The frustration is how we know. Because we care enough to be frustrated.


    So after I ate entirely too much, and drank entirely not enough…


    There.


    I realize days like today put love into perspective. Losing love. Dealing with pain in order to help other loves. Escaping in loves to avoid the pain from other loves.


    We always keep coming back, just like why I keep seeing her out of the corner of my eye hours after she blew her final breath into this balloon we call life. Her residual energy and spirit still shadow me through the house. A product, most likely, of my heart refusing to hear what my brain has to say...


    Our hearts and minds are at war. But be thankful, because that war shows us not only where we are coming from, but where we should be headed.




    Last edited by Kleckamania; 3 Weeks Ago at 05:58 AM.


  2. #2
    This is why I've always been reluctant to get a pet. They become part of the family and thus it hurts like you lost a human when they pass away. I've always been a big softie when it comes to animals (going hunting would fucking scar me for life) and don't think I could handle mine dying. Plus there's so many choices... would I get a cat? Dog? Snake? Mouse? Tarantula? Perhaps a pig? I've found myself wishing multiple times that we could domesticate foxes too. Anyway I'm really sorry for your loss, homie. Thanks for taking the time to write this on such a busy day. What a bummer of a Thanksgiving, huh? At least you had the alcohol to numb the pain.


    Even when I’m sick of it. Even when I think I’m bored or done- it has left such an imprint on me that even if I was free of it I wouldn’t truly be free… my mind would bring me back to what I was trying to escape from… It.

    This so much ^. It's like a goddamn disease. Once you reach the point of no return as a wrestling fan, it's a done deal. You might go a few years without watching if life gets busy or something pisses you off badly enough but there's always a part of your brain glued to what's going on. I haven't watched in two months but still find myself checking the Main Page on a daily basis. It's a sickness I tell you! Thanks again for wearing your heart on your screen and RIP Kleck's rabbit.

  3. #3
    Mediocrity at it's finest kingzak13's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
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    74
    Rest in peace Bunny.

    I don't really know what to say, I think you handled yourself pretty good for the circumstances.

    Pet's are amazing, they truly are part of the family and losing them is probably one of the hardest things to go through.
    *Ghostly wailing*

  4. #4
    I could feel the loss of your rabbit through the screen, so sorry for your loss. I guess that's why we have have to be thankful for every moment that we can spend with those we love.

    As for wrestling, it will never go away. As much as I hate it at times it almost a constant on my mind for some reason. It think this is due to us dedicating so much time toward it over the years. We'll always keep going back. I guess that's why WWE feels no type of way for serving us shit.

  5. #5
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    1,832
    Shit man, I teared up a little bit at this. I've never been a pet person but last year the wife got a dog and now I know someday I'm going to be absolutely fucking wrecked when the adorable little guy isn't there any more, let alone the thought that we'll probably have kids by then and that's a conversation I'll have to have with them. Fuck-ing hell, that's so damn heavy.

    I can relate to the wrestling portion as well... I was on the verge of giving up a few years ago when I fell out of love with the WWE, but I just couldn't resist checking out some different and now I'm in deeper than ever before. It's a hell of a thing.

    Thanks for sharing this man, I hope it was therapeutic.

  6. #6
    I am never really into pets, but I can certainly understand the permanence of death being the great separation of all ages. Solid stuff

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