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  1. #1
    The Brain
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    The Life & Times of Bobby Heenan: Bugs Piper & Bobby "The Duck" Heenan (April '91)

    Greetings, mizfan fans! Are you ready for another edition of the Heenan Series? Of course you are, so get ready! This is a big one! Letís get to it! Exclamatory remarks!!

    WWF, April Ď91
    Ongoing Heenan Storylines

    The Perfect Battle Royal

    GM: I understand earlier you and your man Perfect made some derogatory remarks about the British Bulldog!

    BH: Yeah. Yeah, we did.
    Man, itís so easy to write section headers when Mr Perfect is the star. Just add the word perfect to whateverís going on. Thanks, Curt! Alright, before we get to the match in question, itís worth noting that Heenan and Perfect pretty much spend the whole month talking trash about Davey Boy Smith.

    BH: Whatís the difference between Davey Boy and his dog Winston?

    Mr Perfect: Davey Boy has more fleas!

    BH: You got it!
    They donít miss a chance to put the Bulldog down, and as usual they are very, very good at it.

    Mr Perfect: Youíre not worthy to challenge me for my title, Bulldog, but I do need a good English butler.

    BH: But the Bulldog isnít smart enough for that.

    Mr Perfect: What about the dog he hangs around with?

    BH: Well, he is smarter than Davey BoyÖ
    The only reason this isnít a bigger deal is it doesnít seem to lead to any TV matches or angles, just some house show matches. Thatís the drawback of this era I suppose, but still thereís a lot of fun zingers.

    BH: Look at the fleas jumping off that mutt.

    GM: Will you shut up about the dog?

    BH: I wasnít talking about the dog, was talking about Davey Boy!

    GM: Youíre just jealous.

    BH: Jealous that I donít have a rabid pet?

    GM: You do, the Barbarian!
    Anyway, on to the in ring main event of the month!

    Battle Royal 4/27/91 WWF Saturday Nightís Main Event

    BH: My Mr Perfect, greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time!

    GM: I think there are some past champions who might disagree with that! Guys like the Ultimate Warrior!

    BH: Tough.

    GM: Randy Savage!

    BH: Tough.

    GM: Tito Santana!

    BH: Tough.

    GM: Pat Patterson, just to name a few!

    BH: I donít care about any of them. None of them areÖ perfect.

    GM: I donít think Perfect is perfect, either.

    BH: Then you shouldnít think.
    Perfect, Haku, and Barbarian are all involved in this one, so of course Heenan has to come down to ringside! Actually there are a lot of big names in this one, including Hulk Hogan, who attacks everyone at the start, including his babyface allies! God, Hoganís jerkishness intensified so much in í91. In a great moment, Heenan directs Perfect to stand on the ring steps to avoid getting in the fray! Great strategy, that. Roma goes out first, and he pulls Jannetty out after him. Hogan starts choking Earthquake out with wrist tape, because heís a big olí cheater.

    In a big markout moment for me, Hercules reunites with the Family as he helps Perfect and Haku beat up Davey Boy! I love it. Former feuds collide as Perfect is beat up by Bossman and Von Erich shortly after. Warlord throws Davey Boy out early, surprisingly. Hogan and Greg Valentine double team Perfect, and Bossman gets his leg tied up in a CRAZY way on the turnbuckle. Jake goes out early via Earthquake, as their feud is now on full speed (more on that later). Jake throws Damien into the ring and everyone backs WAY off until itís gone. Hogan gets in a shoving match with Tugboat, who he was going to be ďmarried to for the 90sĒ! Hogan, you relentless asshole. Hogan throws out Warlord as Earthquake eliminates Duggan, making him my new favorite wrestler. Hogan eliminates Earthquake singlehandedly, which just feels wrong considering what a threat he was supposed to be originally. Wow, Tubgoat throws out Hogan. We are supposed to be sympathetic to Hogan but man, I do not care at all about this Hogan betrayal storyline. Michaels, of all people, throws out Tugboat.

    Perfect and Barbarian do a double team to eliminate Bossman! Itís down to all three Heenan Family against Michaels and Valentine, which is a phenomenal collection of talent. Haku chops Perfect by mistake, allowing Michaels to eliminate Haku. Michaels goes NUTS on Perfect and almost eliminates him! You can definitely tell Michaels is just about ready to break out as a singles guy. Perfect finally gets Michaels out in a great sequence. My man Greg Valentine is alone with two Heenan heels. Perfect hits Barbarian and Valentine throws the big man out! Itís Perfect and Valentine! This is my dream final!! Perfect takes GODLIKE BUMPS for Valentine!!! Look at this shit!!!


    JESUS

    Valentine almost throws out Perfect but he latches onto the ropes and flips out Valentine instead, just barely staying alive long enough to win!! Iím a sucker for battle royals but by any standard, this was a really, really good one, and I strongly recommend you check it out as soon as possible.


    Heenanís managerial career summarized in one five seconds.

    Awesomeness Rating: ****ĺ


    Bugs Piper and Bobby "The Duck" Heenan

    RP: What are you doing?

    BH: Nothing, just looking at your knee.

    RP: Why, you lonesome?
    One of the good things about the new Prime Time is it gives Heenan a chance on a weekly basis to interact with different talent. One week this month Roddy Piper is the main guest, still on a crutch from his motorcycle accident. Lots of history between Heenan and Piper on Prime Time! Heenan is, of course, trying to make a fool of Piper, so he challenges him to play the bagpipes. But Piper actually does it, and does a good job too! They challenge Heenan to play something, and he claims to be an expert on the tuba, thinking there wonít be one around. For some reason there is one around, and they tell him to play! Heenan, of course makes a fool of himself in the end, as only he can.


    Proper technique

    Heenan comes out later in a kilt, and says heís showing off the proper way to wear one and acts like heís going to look under the kilt with a mirror.


    Probably should have known this wouldnít go well, Bobby

    In one of my favorite moments in the whole Heenan series, the also actually do the Bugs/Daffy Looney Tunes bit:

    BH: This is the proper way to wear a kilt!

    RP: Bobby, on you, thatís a dress.

    BH: No, itís a kilt!

    RP: Dress!

    BH: Kilt!

    RP: Dress!

    BH: Kilt!

    RP: Kilt!

    BH: Dress!! WaitÖ
    Roddy Piper vs. Ted DiBiase (Sensational Sherri) 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    Neidhart: Roddy Piper, sucking it up with that bad leg to get the job done!

    BH: Yeah, heís a sucker alright.
    A bit later in the month Piper is back in the ring, though still selling his leg, and naturally he segues into a feud with DiBiase that Iím quite eager to see! Ted comes out with a crutch to mock Piper. God, DiBiase is such a great character. Speaking of, Piper attacks him wildly the very moment he gets in the ring! Piper whips him with a belt!! Ted is able to take control back due to Piperís bad leg though. Sherri is with Ted, and she attacks Piper! Ugh, but he kisses her. Really hate that trope and donít care that it usually got a pop in that era. Sherri continues to plague him, which he kind of deserves after jamming his tongue down her throat. Ted is all over the knee of Piper. Fun moment where Sherri steals Heenanís chair and tries to give it to Ted, though heís not able to use it in the end. Ted gets Piper in the Figure 4 and he canít escape but wonít quit, so the referee calls the match for DiBiase. After the match Piper hops on one leg and beats up Ted, Sherri, and the ref. That was a lot of fun, despite a couple iffy moments.

    Awesomeness Rating: ****ľ


    The Funeral Parlor

    Mercifully replacing the Brother Love Show is Paul Bearerís Funeral Parlor, which is SO much better. We see a clip of an early edition where Undertaker attacks Warrior and locks him in a coffin! They take forever to get him out, and act like he couldnít breathe the whole time he was in there.

    Warrior comes on Prime Time to talk about the incident, for some reason wearing tie dye overalls. He breathes heavily just from walking in and sitting down. This guy is so weird. Vince tries to be very serious with Warrior but Warriorís responses are just pure nonsense. Heenan implies that Warrior is too freaked out to continue. Warrior for some reason accuses Vince of not being a true believer. Iím glad Taker is getting this big spots but man, the Warrior canít bail out soon enough for me.

    UW: In the end I will stand and it will be Undertaker who lays buried.

    BH: Ok, but you seem kind of down, kind of defeated. Donít mean any trouble, just my opinion. As a journalist.

    And Much More Here On Prime Time Wrestling!

    BH: Why donít you ever give me a good introduction?

    AH: That was a very good introduction!

    BH: It was lousy. It stunk.
    Lots of stuff going on during Prime Time this month, so Iím glad despite the format change they are still putting a lot of effort into the show. Segments including:

    -Sensational Sherriís advice to the lovelorn, a beautiful bit where Sherri reads letters from sad women and screams at them to dump their loser husbands and find new men with lots of money!


    I canít stop watching this, send help

    VM: Irwin R Schyster will be on later, maybe he can give us tax tips.

    BH: You shouldnít have any trouble with receipts, itís obvious you buy all your clothes at garage sales.
    -IRS comes on to say people donít know what it means to be honest. Heenan acts nervous when asked about his taxes.

    IRS: I may even have some information about Bobby in my briefcase.

    BH: I had to write off that dinner! If thatís what youíre talking about, that isÖ
    IRS says Heenan makes $500,000 and only paid $200 in taxes, but gives him an excuse for deducting tons of expenses, and says he actually deserves a refund! Strange to see Vince McMahon arguing that rich people should have tougher taxes, considering his political leanings.

    VM: How is it fair that this man paid so little in taxes?

    BH: Thereís an old saying. The rich get rich and the poor getÖ unemployed.
    IRS investigates the finances of the Bushwhackers and comes back with a massive document, and complains they have no normal deductions, like soap.

    VM: Well weíre gonna take you to the match, and after that maybe more Bushwhackers!

    BH: No, please!!
    Apparently they only buy sardines and deduct it from their taxes. The Bushwhackers come on and apologize for confusing him, and give IRS a wheelbarrow full of sardines. IRS doesnít want them, so they pour the fish into his briefcase. Seems reasonable.

    -Miss Elizabeth is brought on as a guest, and they show footage of her coming in for the first time in í85. She says even through the bad times she loved Savage, which is sweet in itís way, albeit very unhealthy if you think too hard about it.

    VM: I donít think youíll really have dinner with Elizabeth, you know how the Macho Man feels about her.

    BH: Big deal, probably lots of people are in love with Elizabeth.
    Heenan brags that heís gonna take Liz on a date, but Savage shows up in the lobby and busts into the studio! Heenan tries to hide in the crowd, to no avail. Savage threatens him and puts a bucket on his head to finish him off.


    Nobody could sell a bucket like Bobby

    BH: Do you mind if I introduce the next guest properly?

    VM: Well, as long as you do it properly.

    BH: I just wouldnít want you to screw it up.
    -Bizarre scene where Bret Hart paints a painting to classical music while the Nasty Boys spray paint the lobby. Random thought, surely the Nasty Boys should be fighting the Ninja Turtles instead of wrestling? They just seem like a good fit. Hitman also debuts the Sharpshooter for the first time this month, and is much better at it than Terry Taylor was.


    Invading All American Wrestling

    Because the wrestling world can never have enough of Heenan hosting things, the Brain also appears on All American Wrestling with Okerlund this month!

    GO: The initials on the shirt say BS-

    BH: They say BH! Youíre BS.

    GO: Iím GO!

    BH: Youíre DOA if you keep messing with me.
    Man, it is nostalgic as hell to see them slip right back into their rhythm. Okerlund was almost as good with Heenan as Monsoon was.


    GO: Weíve seen this before, I think Earthquake may have ophidiphobia!

    BH: No, I donít think heís afraid of heights.

    GO: No, snakes! Did you ever read ďThe Fear of FlyingĒ? Itís just like that, but with snakes.

    BH: Wow, and people say itís Hillbilly Jim who makes this show stupidÖ
    Heenan has got an ice pack on his hand from when Andre stepped on him, which of course comes up as well.

    BH: Let me tell you about a guy who sets up another guy. Iím minding my own business and someone says hey, come over here! And itís you, Okerlund. Next thing I know Iím facing down a 7í5, 530 lbs guy who was probably put together in somebodyís storm cellar. You think thatís funny?

    GO: No, I-

    BH: Youíre laughing, whatís the matter, your mustache too tight?

    GO: No, Bobby Heenan, I-

    BH: Next thing I know he almost tears my hand off at the wrist, he puts me down on the floor and stands on it! While you two are standing there discussing what happened in the stock market, Iím lying on the floor with a smashed hand!

    GO: I get the distinct impression that Andre the Giant doesnít really care for you. Do you get the impression?

    BH: No! How would I have gotten that impression? After all, he didnít stand on both hands!!!
    Heenan promises heíll be the new host permanently and replace Okerlund! Which actually sort of happens in í93, so never doubt the Brain!


    Steamboat Who?

    Ricky Steamboat vs. Haku 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    Ricky Steamboat officially returns to the WWF, but donít call him that. Heís just ďThe DragonĒ. I donít think anybody says his actual name, ever. He does blow fire as part of his entrance now though.

    GM: What are you doing under the table, Brain?

    BH: It looked like the Dragon set off a hand grenade!!

    GM: Look at that fire! Now I know why youíre sitting down here instead of over there with Haku!

    BH: No no, Haku told me to just sit here, he donít need me because this wonít take long!
    As the quote implies, Heenan actually does stay in the booth for this match instead of going out to support his man at ringside. Probably a sign that Heenan is winding down his managing career, which is sad, but it does mean we get even more great commentary.

    GM: Look at that move, the Dragon flipping back into the ring!

    BH: Yeah, but what good did it do him?
    Anyway, as you might expect this match was a lot of fun. I donít think much comes of this Steamboat run and heíll be gone again before the end of the year, but still if you put a great wrestler against a badass like Haku, youíre going to get something quite good. They go back and forth with a hard hitting match. Steamboat, I mean The Dragon, wins with the Flying Crossbody.

    BH: You can hit Haku in the head all you want, you wonít hurt him.

    GM: Unlike you, you hit him in the pocketbook!

    BH: I donít!

    GM: Iím gonna have a talk with him.

    BH: Donít bother him!!
    Awesomeness Rating: ****ľ


    Elsewhere in the WWFÖ

    Hogan Continues Going Mad

    Hoganís promos are simply bonkers in í91. This month he says, among other things, that Sergeant Slaughter will use ďchemical warfareĒ in the arena, and that he will drive a tank down to the ring and shoot him. He also warns fans he may ďgo crazyĒ and set Sergeant Slaughter on fire. His words, not mine.

    Sergeant Slaughter (w/General Adnan) vs. Hulk Hogan, WWF Championship 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    GM: Slaughter used the ring bell, thatís an automatic disqualification!

    BH: So Hogan can hit you with a chair and do anything he wants, but if you touch a bell youíre supposed to be disqualified??
    There is an ongoing angle that Slaughter ďburnedĒ Hogan after his Wrestlemania match, so Hogan is selling this weird and vague injury. Hogan is getting pretty bad, guys. Not much else to say here, Hogan wins a pretty stock standard bout.

    GM: Hoganís has brought a fan into the ring! Heís gonna remember this for the rest of his life!

    BH: Heís only 3 years old, what kind of memories is he gonna have?
    Awesomeness Rating: *ľ


    DA MOUNTIE Fights The Law!


    Big Bossman vs. Jacques Rougeau (w/Jimmy Hart) 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    BH: I like it when the Mountie zaps people. Thatís my favorite.

    GM: I wish heíd come over and zap you.
    I thought the Rougeaus were an ok team, but I love DA MOUNTIE! Itís all about how Jacuqes has hurled himself into the gimmick and is having a blast with it. Bossman is a big favorite as well, and heís finally on to his next feud after getting the moral, if not the title victory, against Heenan. This started a bit slow but it got really good as it went on, Jacques works over Bossmanís leg and he sells it beautifully after getting it caught up in the ropes. Awesome visual of Bossman trying desperately to punch while Jacques dances away obnoxiously.

    GM: Bossmanís face just smacked into the top of the steps!

    BH: Big deal, youíll never be able to tell the difference.

    GM: Those are solid steel!

    BH: Check the steel, it might be dented. With the impression of a very ugly face.
    Mountie is overconfident and taunts Bossman on the mic, and Bossman catches him with the slam to get the win. Great fun here. Jacques shocks him after the match and leaves him laying, so you know this is far from over.

    Neidhart: The Mountie uses that shocker, thatís real fair huh?

    BH: Whoís to say whatís fair and not fair, as long as you win? Iíve seen YOU pull hair on occasion, Mr Anvil!
    Awesomeness Rating: ****ľ


    The Quake and the Snake

    Yet another wrestler has a fear of snakes, and now itís Earthquake! I am forced to once again wonder why a wrestler with a specific fear of snakes would bother mixing it up with Jake Roberts.

    GM: Earthquake, showing fear of that snake!

    BH: Well of course, he donít know if itís poisonous or not!

    GM: What does it matter? If they bite you, they bite you!

    BH: Oh, thatís a great outlook on life.

    GM: If you get bit, either you live and youíre alive, or you die and youíre dead!

    BH: Some people donít like to get bit at all!!
    Some of you know where this angle is going, but for now itís just simmering along. Stay tuned for more though!

    GM: Hereís our vivacious ring announcer, Mike McGuirk.

    BH: Maybe sheís in Jakeís bag. Thatís where she should be.

    Pay Your Taxes!

    Irwin R Schyster vs. Jimmy Snuka 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    BH: Just last year, Snuka spent $1100 on coconuts alone!

    GM: So? Whatís wrong with that?

    BH: Who could eat $1100 of coconuts?!?
    As mentioned, this is the month IRS enters the WWF, and there are some weird growing pains at first. For instance, IRSís gear is truly horrible in this match, heís got the suit on top but on his bottom heís got hot pants and what look like pantyhose on. Itís a really terrible look that fortunately was quickly fixed.

    As for the match, Iíve made it clear that Snuka is pretty worthless by now, and IRS is a great character but perhaps not terribly impressive as a wrestler by this point in his career. He gets the predictable win, of course.

    GM: I heard you were denied an extension of your taxes this year, Brain.

    BH: Thatís a complete lie!

    GM: Oh, thatís what Barbarian told me.

    BH: He doesnít know what I do!! He doesnít even know what taxes are!!
    Awesomeness Rating: *Ĺ


    Salt Rock

    Mr Fuji, Tanaka, & Kato vs. Shawn Michaels, Marty Jannetty, & Virgil 4/22/91 WWF MSG

    GM: Youíre supposed to be a journalist, shouldnít you know why Kato wears that mask?

    BH: Iíll find out and tell you in about a month or so.

    GM: Oh, forget it.

    BH: Ok, itís a deal!
    I guess this is the house show specific Rockers/Orient Express feud continuing, but itís been plenty of fun so far so why not? Bit funny that Fuji is considered an adequate foil for Virgil, but at the same time itís kind of nice to see how over Virgil is. The fans are really behind him, at least for this short period. Virgil actually gets the win after a pretty good match, and he uses the Million Dollar Dream to get the victory!

    GM: Who knows how much more salt Mr Fuji has in those tights?

    BH: Hey, thatís personal!
    Awesomeness Rating: ***ĺ


    The Barber Shop

    Instead of returning to the ring with his broken face, instead we have Beefcake doing the Barber Shop. Suddenly I miss Brother Love.

    GM: And hereís our lovely ring announcer, Mike McGuirk.

    BH: Did she have her face reconstructed like Beefcake?

    You WILL Love the WBF!

    Oh yes, we are now hearing about the WBF. You do not want to know how much bodybuilding conversation I had to sit through for this series.

    GM: Take a look at this guy, what a specimen from the World Bobybuilding Federation!

    BH: These bodybuilders, they eat a can of tuna and 3 raw eggs every day, wear a shirt 2 sizes too small, and walk around with a distorted mirror, and they think theyíre tough.

    Miscellaneous Quotes

    BH: Look at her in the crowd. Boy is she ugly.

    GM: Thatís someoneís daughter, Brain! Possibly someoneís mom!

    BH: Frightening, isnít it?
    BH: Just between you and me, Gorilla, Neidhartís been talking to the producers and trying to get rid of you.

    GM: Do you want me to tell him what you always say about him and the shock treatments?

    BH: Wow, just look at that slam in the ring!
    BH: Texas Tornado is a guy who went to Australia and spent two years trying to throw a boomerang away.
    BH: I donít like guys with a big mouth, and Dugganís got a BIG mouth.

    GM: I guess you donít think too much of yourself then either, do you?

    BH: I have an intelligent mouth.
    BH: You interrupted me! Monsoon, Iím going to have to ask you to leave.

    GM: Iíll leave anytime, the Anvil would love to sit next to you.

    BH: No, wait! You stay right here!
    GM: This Berzerker needs psychiatric help.

    BH: Talk to Neidhart about that one.

    JN: Hey, I went to college!
    BH: Warlordís a lot stronger than the Tornado!

    GM: But Tornado is a lot smarter!

    BH: Well, now youíve lied to the people.

    GM: Warlord is sometimes stuck for the right answer when you say hello!
    GM: Looking at some of these moves, Iím glad I retired!

    BH: I wish you were still wrestling, Monsoon.

    GM: Oh? You want to manage me, Brain?

    BH: No, but then I wouldnít be stuck here sitting next to you.
    GM: Referee has got to stop DiBiase before he does serious damage to this youngster?

    BH: What damage could he do?

    GM: Heís cutting off circulation to the brain!

    BH: Youíre assuming he has a brain.
    Phew! Another month in the bag, mizfan fans, and it was a busy one indeed! Mostly with Heenanís many hosting duties, and it must be said heís great at them, but youíve also got Perfectís IC title reign chugging along very nicely, and Haku and Barbarian are at least on TV, which is sadly the most we can hope for at this point. I wish WWF had kept them teamed up! But there is plenty on the table for the post-Mania months, and you know our man Heenan will be right in the thick of it!

    Thatís it for today, humanoids. Iíll be back soon with the next entry, until then donít let the ham-and-eggers get you down, and stay awesome!

  2. #2
    I'm just glad someone other than Hogan won a battle royal for a change (also Valentine looks like a mix between The Hulkster and Brian Knobbs in your sig)! The sequence between Perfect and Michaels in the closing moments sounds awesome. IRS in pantyhose? Not so much.

  3. #3
    Quite the pool of talent in that Battle Royal. About Perfectand Bulldog not getting a TV match, was that during the entire duration of their feud? And if so, was that because Bulldog wasn't a big enough star at the time to warrant a TV match? Also, Michaels lasting until close to the end was probably showing that WWE had big plans for the guy. In retrospect, would you have been able to tell how far Michaels would go at that point in time?

    I'm not 100 percent sure but isn't Warrior Undertakers most popular opponent to date. For some reason I will always think of Taker as a throw-away gimmick character that Vince conjured up. It just reeks of that Era, but to The Dead Mans credit, he made it work and turned out legendary.

    I dunno, Mizzie, it doesn't seem like too much happened this month. Perhaps it's because Heenan is not as hands on as he normally is (especially considering that Heenan can't really take bumps anymore).

    Good work here, as always!

  4. #4
    The Brain
    Join Date
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    Feed for the feeders!

    Skitzoid! Quite impressive indeed that Hogan could be in a match and not win. I guess he figured that Tugboat feud would be big money. He was in for a SHOCK, eh? Thanks for the read and feed my man!

    Donny! British Bulldog was definitely a big enough star for a TV match with Perfect, it’s just one of those weird things of the era that it never once happened on TV. Perfect had Bossman at ‘Mania and Bret at Summerslam, and there just wasn’t a big televised show in between to feature the Bulldog match, so you had to buy a live ticket to see it. Too bad, I’m sure it was great!

    I’d say Vince knew he was going to run with Michaels as a significant player already by this point, just off the top of my head. He probably saw workhorse Intercontinental Champion written all over him, but I bet he never guessed he’d be a multiple time world champion.

    Warrior is definitely Taker’s biggest opponent to date, considering he’d really only feuded with Jimmy Snuka and Tugboat up to that point. I think, especially in this era, Vince was open to almost anybody getting over, especially if they were larger than life (both physically and in terms of character). Within his first year he’ll be paried up with Warrior and Hogan and even win the title, so I don’t think we can assume Vince thought of him as a throwaway! He could have fizzled like a Papa Shango for sure, but that was never the plan.

    Definitely a quiet month for Heenan in terms of getting physical, but you know there’s always something going on with the Brain. Thanks for the read and the great feed, my friend!

    Not sure when the next entry will come out, but I'll keep plugging away at it, have no fear!

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