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  1. #1
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    May 2018

    A Bit of Light Entertainment: Me and My Mates....without the Mates

    OK, so a few days ago at work the internet was down. To pass a bit of time, I was looking over the drafts of my old columns and found this. Most of it was written probably over a year ago, when ZZZorf was planning a project where a number of anonymous people suggested a match, then once all the matches were in we all wrote how we thought the match would happen. ZZZorf's column never happened (another victim of the great forum reset perhaps?) but I figured what I'd written could be an entertaining read so was worthy of a post.

    This one is stepping out of my comfort zone somewhat, Iím not really one for creative writing but actually Iím pretty happy with what I wrote for the two matches suggested by other people (especially the last one). I have no idea who those people are, maybe theyíll own up to it here?

    The matches:
    • Big Boss Man v Cryme Tyme (submitted by me)
    • Bray Wyatt v Mankind (submitted by ????)
    • Vince McMahon vs Paul Heyman vs Eric Bichoff (submitted by ????)

    At the time, Iíd never written anything about the match I suggested, so thatís all new. The other two are completely unedited from whenever it was I wrote this. Iím looking forward to seeing if anyone owns up to submitting those matches, and maybe they could post whatever they wrote at the time too? Even if it wasnít you, feel free to post your own versions of these matches!

    Big Boss Man v Cryme Tyme

    As this was my match, I wasnít planning on doing too much fantasy booking with it, I was more curious to see what others make of it. Why did I choose it? The thing is, most of the true dream matches I could think of had already happened so I started thinking about matches that could provoke some interesting entries to the column. The tale of my wrestling fandom has a number of stops and starts, but through the early years Big Boss Man was someone who always grabbed my attention. Thatís why I picked him. Why Cryme Tyme though? Why not? When youíre looking for a dream opponent for a wrestler whose gimmick is a law enforcement officer, the best option is always to pick those who break the law.

    As the original column never came to pass, despite not really doing any fantasy booking with it at the time, I always imagined Cryme Tyme would put a lot of comedy into the match Ė Iím thinking much in the style of Eddie Guerreroís Lie, Cheat & Steal phase. The more outrageous they get, the more frustrated Big Boss Man gets with them, making him fall prey to more & more tricks.

    Obviously it always makes sense that the tag team would win against the single guy in a handicap match (especially when the single guy is the heel), but I guess itís always possible Boss Man could end up with a victory after he gets so frustrated he snaps & beats the crap out of them. I think Boss Man getting disqualified for something Cryme Tyme actually did would be the most entertaining result though.

    Maybe I should have actually picked Eddie for this?!! That would have been awesome.

    Bray Wyatt v Mankind

    Mankind comes out first for this Hell In A Cell match, instantly climbing to the top of the cell to await his opponent. Wyatt follows, with the fireflies in full effect. At the bottom of the ramp, he invokes his voodoo powers and levitates to the height top of the cell. Mankind falls off and lands on the Spanish announce table. Not to be outdone, Shane McMahon runs out with a ladder, climbs to the top of the cell, then climbs the ladder and jumps off onto the main announce table because thatís what he does best.

    Wyatt un-levitates (is that a thing?) back to ground level and is surrounded by a choir of masked children singing Heís Got The Whole World In His Hands. Mankind drags himself up and crawls into the ring. Wyatt assumes the crab-walk position and the ring fills with worms. Mankind rips out his hair in psychotic rage, before the Boogey-Man comes out and starts eating the worms.

    With this distraction, Mankind gets Socko ready and applies the Mandible Claw for the victory.

    Vince McMahon vs Paul Heyman vs Eric Bichoff

    Vince McMahon enters the arena with a cartoon video package telling the tale of a superhero devouring territorial anarchists. The world revolves around him as he glorifies his own achievements, ignoring the truth of what has gone before.

    Bischoff comes out next, to a video package financed heavily by his sponsors and their blank chequebook.

    The two face off and despite Vinceís early dominance, Bischoff steals more and more of Vinceís best moves to eventually gain control of the match.

    Whilst this was going on, Heyman entered a small corner of the ring to a huge ovation. Occasionally gaining the spotlight by using steel chairs and throwing people through tables, he is generally ignored by Bischoff. Vince however sees potential in this and begins to steal Heymanís best moves as he changes his entire approach to the match.

    Precisely 8.3 minutes since Bischoff took control, he takes a moment to grab a microphone and tell the audience what Vince is going to do next. Despite this tactic working through the earlier stages of the match, this time the audience get behind Vince and cheer him on as he starts his comeback.

    By this stage, Heyman has put himself out of the match through a series of moves he couldnít pull off leaving it as a 1-on-1 match. Despite Bischoffís best efforts, as his attempts to claw back dominance become more and more ridiculous his sponsors back out on him and he is left with nothing more to fight with and submits; making Vince the overall winner.

  2. #2
    Upon seeing the title, I was expecting something along the lines of the Me, Myself & SkitZ column I did hahaha. I remember talking to Zzzorf roughly a year ago and him mentioning internet/Wifi issues.

    A couple interesting suggestions here Dyno. You certainly could've given us more than three though! The length and format would've benefited from it. I can't imagine anyone (else) choosing Big BossMan vs. Cryme Tyme as a dream match but hey to each their own lol. It works from a gimmick standpoint but why place BBM at a 2-on-1 disadvantage? The dude needs backup. Reunite him with Bull Buchanan I say! Speaking of Shad & GTJ, it's still crazy to think that they never captured the Tag Team Titles.

    Wyatt/Mankind is more like it. Foley would of course need to reel Bray back in whenever he goes on one of his head-scratching tangents but imagine the war of words. You've gotta assume the feud would become extremely personal and thus I love the idea of Wyatt converting Mick's daughter Noelle. Turn her into the physical form of Sister Abigail! Ah I'm just looking for any excuse to get that girl on TV.

    Vince had a knack for keeping his matches fun up until the epic fail against Bret at WM26. I have no interest whatsoever though in watching Bischoff or Heyman try to defend themselves in a physical capacity. If WWE's version of ECW wasn't booked so inferior, I can envision a scenario where the three of them could've faced off for brand supremacy. Then again, sitting through Eric Bischoff versus Teddy Long was torture enough.

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