Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    105

    Taste My Rainbow ~ SkitZ & Co. Abuse Another Christmas


    SkitZ & Co. Abuse Another Christmas
    ________________________








    Welcome back to the column thatís keeping this tradition alive by any memes necessary - Taste My Rainbow.








    Greetings fellow internerds. Weíve reached another December and I - like Olí Saint Dick - have spent most of it sitting on my ass delegating work amongst the little people, crackin' the whip, etc. This festive song and dance has been on repeat for so long that Iíve even began to pattern my schedule after Santaís; spending most of the year in hiding before returning just in time for the holidays. Unlike Mr. Claus however, I merely ask the masses what they wish to receive from the world of wrestling in the New Year so donít expect me to wave my magic wand and suddenly turn Brock into a fantastic beast again. Speaking of which, I hope to be reimbursed in some form for the deer that dented up my Altima a few weekends ago. Rudolph mightíve taken out my right headlight on a rainy evening but that didnít stop Skitzo from seeing red. Shit if anything, I wish my deductible was lower... Well that and for Rocky to slow his role with the reboots. Donít stomp on any more of my favorite childhood films dammit! Heís one brainfart away from directing Dwayneís World and casting Zac Efron as hipster Garth. 30s Rock was a blast but action Johnson just doesnít do it for me. At least not like he did it for this guyís favorite wrestler:





    Nony ~

    I wish that plants would mutate into physically superior beings; uprising and taking over the planet. I wish they would slowly enslave us all for becoming increasingly murderous towards them, and because weíre choosing to kill their innocent gentle selves instead of cruel, devious creatures such as cows and pigs. I wish the plants would one by one destroy humanity, starting with the one man who actively tries to force others to eat nothing but plants. Daniel Bryan.

    I wish the plants would trap him alive, and force feed him meat until he finally shakes off his unnatural pale skin. Then, they can slowly penetrate all his entrance points with their stalks, with each plant species (thereís billions) getting a turn at destroying this menace to their society. Finally, when heís eaten nothing but meat for a long time, and his innards have been violated by the plants, I wish for them to publicly and embarrassingly remove his genitalia, for fear he try to continue creating vegan babies. Birdie deserves better.

    In the same way Daniel Bryan has tried to kill their species, I wish the plants would eventually kill Bryan. But make him suffer more.

    Finally, I wish for our new plant overlords to create the Plant Wrestling Federation (PWF) and appoint meat enthusiast Rikishi as GM of the human division. He and the other meat eating, dairy swilling heroes of our time can then serve the plants for the rest of our lives, until we finally die, and are laid to rest so the worms may feast on us.

    Is that so much to ask?





    PT ~

    The one thing I want from wrestling in 2019 is for the shows to have more structure to them. Right now they are in a really bad place, because they present like they are chaos but it is chaos of the most formulaic and predictable type. Putting some actual structure back into the way the show operates means that it might actually mean something when someone throws a spanner into the works and injects some genuine chaos, rather than retreading that very predictable path in which people just talk when they want, for as long as they want, interrupt each other, form matches out of nowhereÖ I mean, that kind of programming is just an absolute shower of shit. Bring back dedicated interview segments, with broadcast journalists keeping control of the show. Bring back time-limits for TV matches. Bring back just a good old dose of fucking sense. And then, when youíve built the sense back into the product, thatís the time when you can start playing with it, and tactically breaking it, to create a response.

    Oh, and I also wish for the elimination of that stupid red ĎUniversalí belt. But that should just be standard.





    Sam ~

    I don't want a lot for Christmas
    There is just one thing I need
    I don't care about Braun's presence
    In the Universal Title scene
    I don't need no Scotsman brawling
    In that ring with the Beast
    Santa Claus won't make me happy
    With The Rock at my Mania feast
    I want the red strap for Seth to own
    Burning down Brock's overrated throne
    See his hero's journey through
    All I want for Christmas
    Is you
    Seth Rollins

    I mean Dean would be cool too.





    Fenichel ~

    ****************************************



    SkitZ: Despite his religion, David had happily agreed to draft me a wishlist. That was until Steve stepped in to remind me that heíd banned the Eternal Troll from these here forums. Our beloved administrator sends his warmest regards by the way. Iím sure Mr. Bell wouldíve taken part in the hoopla if he wasnít so busy spreading Christmas cheer across social media...








    JCool ~

    Seeing as how most of my time is spent with nXt, it's fitting that my wishlist involve both current and former nXt stars.

    - Heavy Machinery going to the main roster and getting over as the entertaining yet tough as bricks team they've been in 2018

    - Velveteen Dream having the best match at Takeover: Brooklyn V and debuting on Raw the next night

    - Seeing the real four horsewomen face off against WWE's original four from nXt

    - Aleister Black regaining what is rightfully his, the nXt Championship





    Skul ~

    The one thing atop my wish list for 2019 is a high-caliber match between Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar. I mean, I guess that's being a bit redundant - any Lesnar match is axiomatically high-caliber. Of the active wrestlers untested by Lesnar in WWE history, it's easy to see why Lashley is the clear choice for a power match-up. These two behemoths never crossed paths in their respective first stints with WWE, as Brock departed the year before Bobby came on board. With Lashley's return in 2018, I was immediately anticipating a throw down between the pair. Things seemed tantalizingly close with Lashley's win over Roman Reigns at Extreme Rules - a date with Lesnar at SummerSlam seemed as evident the next step as lemon after tequila. Alas, it wasn't to happen - but I'd still love to see the two clash in 2019. As much as I understand dream matches featuring technical wizards, I can't deny craving a battering ram of two beasts. Keep it away from Goldberg/Lesnar at WrestleMania XX territory, and more towards Big Show/Lesnar at Survivor Series '02 territory, and it's an easy ace.

    Failing that...I could use a nice pair of New Day socks! Either or.





    Imp ~

    1 Ė The Women Main Event Mania
    If the Universal Championship main events Ďbecause Lesnarí then it would be one hell of an injustice and a completely wrong reading of the fan measuring stick. The most over act in WWE is female, reward the lass. The fans are sick of Lesnar, do not reward him.

    2 Ė Becky Lynch wins the Royal Rumble and challenges Rousey
    This has to be that match, this screams WrestleMania main event. Charlotte would be a good, strong, enjoyable bout, but she isnít the one with the sudden swell of crowd support. Lynch is, and the women main event WrestleMania when The Man comes around.

    3 Ė When Lesnar Loses the Title at WrestleMania, Then Thatís It. Ta, bye.
    Talk about outstaying your welcome, we were ready for this to end this time last year and itís still going on. After he loses I need a proper Lesnar hiatus, a complete break from the character. If he does come back at all, my friend you tell him youíre paying his ass to put people over.

    4 - NXT Stars Only Called Up After Mania If Thereís Actually A Plan To Use Them
    In 2018 some top notch wrestlers were called up to the main roster, not that youíd know though. The most featured ended up being Ember Moon and that should tell you something given how much she just wasnít for a portion of the year. Thereís no point calling up more if you canít even manage what you already do have.

    5 Ė Sasha Banks Turns Badass
    To be fair, when it comes to NXTís Four Horsewomen they donít really turn heel, they become badasses. Lynch and Flair have become the hottest things going in WWE, Iím up for giving all of four of those NXT women getting the Ďbadass makeoverí ahead of their inevitable clash with Rondaís Roundtable.

    I am being a bit selfish, I just want to see ĎThe Bossí character properly on the main roster just once. I wanna know what it would be like!

    6 Ė RAW Commentary Stop Questioning Renee Over Ambrose
    The point has been made, the audience informed, if sheís not going to be directly involved then there is no further narrative reason for it to keep happening.

    7 Ė Elias Becomes Intercontinental Champion
    This is with the caveat that the Universal Championship is actually on RAW, but Elias absolutely screams top quality mid-card champion.

    8 Ė Tetsuya Naito Wins The G1
    Come on, itís me, had to put one NJPW thing on here. Wrestle Kingdom is on a Saturday in 2020, so get ready for the biggest match possible. My pick? Naitoís arc of climbing to the top completes.





    Dyno ~

    5: I want to see Baron Corbin go back to his Lone Wolf persona and have a solid mid-card run.
    4: I want to see The Miz get a decent run with a main title. Even better if he took Lesnar's belt.
    3: I want Undertaker and Kane to retire. Taker's send off at Mania after losing to Reigns was perfect, his repeated comebacks have ruined the moment.
    2: I want Bobby Roode to go back to his NXT/TNA style character and work his way to the top(ish) of the card.
    1: Most of all, I want Reigns to beat his leukaemia.





    Cult ~

    Come visit luchacentral.com! Why? Because I write there, you can learn all about lucha libre and the higher ups there would do to me what Iíll do to Skitz if I didnít mention this. Not to mention that lucha libre is fun and will never let you down. Unlike Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins.

    ___________________________________

    Ah Christmas time; my favorite time of the year, and not just because Iím getting PWGís Battle of Los Angeles and Red Dead Redemption 2 for Christmas. No, Christmas is my favorite time of year because a) family gatherings featuring pizza rolls and b) Skitz bringing back this idea so I can come and roast all you WWE loving mother [the following was redacted by the Mustafa Ali loving honchos at LordsofPain.net] yet again. And I get to do it all while watching a DTU show! Whatís DTU? Donít worry about it; Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose didnít crush SirSamís dreams in that promotion so it doesnít matter. But enough about things people donít give two shits and a Robin Hood remake about; Skitz wants me to give a wrestling wishlist and thatís what Iím going to do. At least until I learn that this isnít me giving a wishlist. And then Iím still not going to change it anyway because Iím secretly a colossal asshole who will ruin Skitzí already nonexistent love life if he dares asks me to change/shorten this bad boy. And with that, hereís what I want from wrestling in 2018!

    -Lucha Underground Season 5.
    -LA Park vs. Rush, mask vs. hair. I donít care when, where or why; JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN! I will personally fly myself, mizfan and Kerv to the show when this occurs.
    -Mazza watches Will Ospreay and Zack Sabre Jr. match, realizes he was wrong about them and apologizes for calling them whatever he called them on Twitter the other day. Then he also admits that Pete ďMy favorite song is Sell Out by Reel Big FishĒ Dunne isnít the future of British Wrestling. Just kidding Maz. OR AM I?!
    -The AAA trios team of Hijo del Viking, Laredo Kid and Myzteziz Jr. holding the AAA Trios Championships for over a year with numerous title defenses.
    -Angelico returns to AAA and is part of the trios team to take the titles from Myzteziz Jr., Laredo and Vikingo. His partners; Jack Evans and Teddy Hart.
    -Lucha Underground Season 5.
    -CMLL gets their shit together and puts on shows that donít make me want to drive over to Skitzí house and shoot it up with paintballs.
    -WALTER wrestling Tetsuya Naito, just so mizfan can finally agree with a six star rating when Dave Meltzer rates the match as such.
    -More Scott Steiner. There is still not enough of the Big Poppa.
    -All Elite Wrestling to be a big success, both so there can be competition and so wrestlerís actually have more than one option to make money.
    -The safe and healthy returns of Gran ďI Miss MŠscara DoradaĒ Metalik and La Sombra ďCienĒ Almas to CMLL. You had your chance WWE; give them back to us!
    -Did I mention Lucha Underground Season Five?

    And there you have it. Thanks for the platform Skitz. Remember, you shorten this or change this in any way and Iíll [the following has been redacted by the cat headbutting, Donald Sutherland loving fascist bosses of LordsofPain.net]



    SkitZ: Wanna know how to turn a profit writing for a website that doesnít pay? Sell ad space in your column to plug-worthy pals! Thatís what Calvin gets for being such a cheapskate!





    Chrisss ~

    Writerís Note: Damn you, SkitZ! Iím retired! Who do you think I am Ė Ric Flair? Terry Funk? Shawn Michaels? Leave the memories aloneÖ

    So what do I want from Papa Wrestling in 2019? You know, Iíve requested so many different things since I was a young Super Chrisss but none of them have ever come true. Thatís why Iíll keep it plain and simple:

    Fire the non-NXT writers. All of them. Fire Vince. Fire Stephanie. Fire Kevin Dunn. Fire that Indian dude who used to accompany The Great Khali to the ring. They all suck and are 100% to blame for the past 2+ years of main roster mediocrity (and thatís being kind). Fire their asses and call-up the amazing men (and women?) who are doing wonders for the Ďdevelopmentalí brand.

    Is it vile of me to wish for others to join the unemployment line? Fuck if I care. Those assholes have made so many long-time viewers walk away from the product just because Vince is an 80 year old man who put all his stock into pushing Roman Reigns and now heís running around like a chicken without a head.

    Save us, Papa Wrestling!!!





    Rob S. ~

    What do I want for Christmas?

    I want everybody to stop being douchebags while watching wrestling and just enjoy it. I mean isnít that the whole reason we started watching in the first place? I donít know one person that started watching professional wrestling for the sole purpose of shitting all over it. I get it, social media has become this monster that everyone has embraced that gives every single person a pulpit to pound their gavel on. But in reality, all itís done is lessen our enjoyment of the one thing that brought us all together in the first place.

    Instead of sitting back and appreciating the work and effort and physical toll that these individuals put themselves through to entertain us, we mindlessly type on our keyboards and phones about how bad a PPV is going to be before it even happens or how many botches a match will have because the participants are women whoíve never done it before. I grew up a fan. I watched the good. I watched the bad. I watched pretty much everything that I could find. Was it all good? Of course it wasnít. Even back before PPVís and basic cable the WWF has plenty of crap going through its system. But thankfully there wasnít an internet for THOSE fans to use.

    Believe me, todayís fans have nothing on the fans that I knew growing up watching wrestling. Todayís fans are complacent, quiet, and judgmental but theyíre also in the know. Watching crowds at a PPV is sometimes like watching crowds at a play. They sit in their seats with little to no reaction, whilst simultaneously live-tweeting about how bad the show is. If you want to know the definition of stupidity, itís being THAT fan; the one who paid $100 a ticket just so they could complain about the show they paid their hard earned money to go see.

    Fans back in the day just enjoyed the hell out of what they went to see. They were rabidly enthusiastic about the good, the bad and the ugly. Watch some of the old NWA/WWF PPVís on the Network and take note. Thatís what a professional wrestling crowd should be. The men and women in the ring are doing their jobs, and theyíre doing it for YOU! Theyíre doing it for the fan base that has made professional wrestling a mainstay all around the world.

    So Iíve gone back to where it began. Iím embracing the indy shows and the sheer multitude of choices available in the world of wrestling. Donít like the WWE? Watch something else. As fans, we get Christmas presents all the time. We get monthly PPVís. We get Lucha Underground. We get Ring of Honor. We get Impact Wrestling. We get NXT. We get NJPW. The list goes on and on. Unwrap something this year. Unwrap your fandom.





    Spinster ~

    For Christmas this year I wonít try to push my luck.
    Just a few slight changes so that maybe Iíll still give a fuck.

    Can Vince please shoot his eye out with a BB gun
    While youíre at it take the control from Kevin Dunne.

    When a bell rings can it mean that a match ending cleanly?
    Or will we continue to overbook everything obscenely?

    I donít want any jelly of the month club
    But Iíd love if a promotion could challenge the big hub.

    Finally, I want to regain the true meaning of fandom
    I wonít gain that from watching something so random

    Give me a product that wonít make me scream AHHHHH
    Something that doesnít make me feel fucked raw.

    If not, Iíll go elsewhere to a place where talent matters
    A place not full of owners who act as mad as hatters

    The land of indies makes my eyes fill with wonder
    So please let them flourish instead of putting them under

    Granting these little requests will make me one happy elf
    Otherwise Iíll bring a machine gun and a ďGO FUCK YOURSELFĒ!!





    Mizfan ~

    My wish for 2019 is simple, and maybe a little selfish. I want to see more wrestlers standing up and saying no, I don't NEED the WWE to succeed. Now don't get me wrong, I would never begrudge any wrestler who signs with the WWE, or decides to stay if they're already there. It's the biggest show in the game, it's the surest money, it's better job security and health care, there are a hundred reasons to go there. I don't believe anyone going there is "selling out", that's stupid. BUT, for the health of the industry at large, I would love to see more wrestlers willing to bet on themselves and take the more difficult road, make a go of it out in the wild world of wrestling that's happening out there. And that goes double for promoters, I have no doubt it's tempting to cozy up with the WWE, but as we've seen recently that can have drawbacks as well, and the more unique visions we have competing in the wrestling world the better. Give me an ever more diverse and independent wrestling world in 2019 and beyond!





    Tim Rose ...ís must've gotten lost in the mail.



    SkitZ: Wait you wouldnít be related to Mandy Rose by chance? Mmmm what I wouldnít give to deflower her before Graves does.





    Zak ~

    Dear Vince McSanta,

    I hope this letter finds you well, I guess Iíll cut to the chase. I have been a good wrestling fan this year, so long as you donít include the Saudi Arabia debacle(s), and as is customary, you now have to do anything I say because I was a good boy.

    I would say my main wish is donít make this another 2017, 2017 sucked hard balls, this should be rather simple to do, all you need is to keep full timers in the main event at all times and use talents that are actually over.

    Actually, quicker idea, no more super house shows, no more Saudi Arabia broadcasts, still do the shows, just donít hype them on TV.

    Also, and this is very important. Donít call up anyone else from NXT until at least 2020. The talent down there are definitely not ready for the WWE creative and should be left to work in NXT for the next couple of years, keep bringing in new talent and just cycle them through the various title scenes, seeing them languishing on the main roster isnít something anyone wants to see.

    I wish there was more I could think of, but right now I am optimistic about 2019, we got some pretty legit womenís wrestling going on, and the rest of the roster is coming together nicely for WrestleMania season. Iíve got no real issues Ö yet.

    So those are my wishes for 2019 Mr McSanta, Iím sure you have many other good boys and girls (mostly boys) letters to read, so Iíll bid you a fond farewell. I hope you enjoyed my letter and Iíll speak to you next year.

    Best Regards,
    Kingzak13

    PS: I have enclosed some cookies









    Burn ~

    My wish list is short and sweet. I want competition.

    There are a lot of reasons WWE, the only wrestling product I watch, has been so stagnant and, let's be honest, consistently terrible for years. But the biggest reason is that they can be, because they haven't had to worry about Company X taking your viewership away. So I wish for NJPW, Lucha Underground, whatever The Elite is up to, or Chris Jericho and JR's rumored-endeavor to step up and provide the competition WWE needs to move to the next era of professional wrestling. Or at least give me a good alternative to painful RAW after painful RAW.





    Kervin ~

    So, Iíve been reminded twice to write this, and here we are, at the deadline, and I finally had to be reminded again. This is my writing career here at LOP (and especially on the main page) in a nutshell. Laziness. Which brings me to my wrestling wishlist. And thereís the thing; Iím taking two wishes, because one, I probably wonít write again until next Christmas, and two, Iím a veteran who does whatever he wants. So here we go.

    My main wish is that Roman Reigns overcomes the battle heís currently facing with leukemia. This isnít about him coming back to the ring, or any of that. Admittedly, I hope for that as well as I love the guy, but for his family, and because heís a real-life superhero to so many people out there, I want him to kick the shit out of cancer and enjoy his life. Heís far too young, and cancer sucks.

    Second wish, that WWE will bring me back. Iíve had hiatuses before, so this isnít new, but I donít even find myself wanting to watch any of the programming. I saw two matches at Survivor Series, and havenít really watched much since, and really before that. WWE doesnít need me by any means. Iím not special. But wrestling is special to me, so Iím wishing for a great 2019, where I can start anew.

    Oh yeah, one more wish. PUT THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE MIZ ALREADY!!! See ya next year.





    íPlan ~

    I could put all the usual stuff on my Christmas Wish List this year. Ya know, like no more part-timers, or like WWE to focus on their contemporary talent exclusively, or like completely overhauling the creative culture of the company Ė from writing practices and writing staff to commentary production and television format Ė or even something like ending this idiotic Brand Extension and its self-destructive and excessive proliferation of talent. Hell, I could even settle for something simple, like no more four hour pay-per-views outside of WrestleMania.

    But letís be honest: as good as any one person may be all year, none of those things, sadly, are going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway, and maybe not ever.

    So instead I shall limit myself to just one little thing this year, something quite possible, quite easily achieved, something that really isnít too much of an ask at all. In 2019, I would like Seth Rollins to main event WrestleMania and defeat Brock Lesnar cleanly and without contestable circumstances to walk away the new Universal Champion, all after winning the 2019 Royal Rumble. (Preferably going coast to coast. With Ambrose in at two. Also going coast to coastÖ.)

    Ok, so I lied. Itís really a handful of things. But theyíre all really easy to do so why not, just for once WWE, ya knowÖlike, DO them?!





    Tito ~

    LOP readers want me to come out of retirement? PAY ME AND THEN WEíLL TALK. The same goes for my priceless participation in any side projects so unless youíre starting a GoFundMe page, keep wishing.



    SkitZ: What a greedy McGrinch. I shouldíve known better than to- Uh hi. Who the the hell invited you?



    Mazza: 'Sup, Santa SkitZ. I've been very good this year and I think I deserve 20 wishes. Sadly, I have Randall in tow. He has been as naughty as usual so between us we are due 10 I reckon. Which is kind of handy when you think about it.



    Randall: I hardly call covering your ass "being naughty" but beggars can't be choosers and I'll take whatever I can get. Quite convenient that we get 10 wishes so lets get some Power behind them and let the lady choose first.



    Power 10 Wishlist ~


    10. Top Guys Get Respect They Deserve

    Mazza: I think we can both agree on this one, Randy. Give the Revival the straps and let them steal the show every night. Seth was totally right in his mini pipe bomb.

    Randall: Instead we get jokes like B Team or Wyatt/Hardy stinking up the joint, all for the sake of a few laughs. I ain't laughing.

    9. NXT Call Ups To Be Handled Better

    Randall: How many times have acts been great in NXT only for them to be a bust on the main roster? Asuka and Tyler Breeze are two that spring to mind and it needs to stop.

    Mazza: I'd love to handle Asuka better. Hell, I think I'd handle Tyler better in the right light.

    8. The Big Dog Whoops Leukemiaís Ass.

    Mazza: Just the one serious one here. Doesn't really need much more comment. Superman Punch. Spear. 1-2-3. OOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHH

    Randall: What he said.

    7. Becky Lynch To Sit On My Face

    Randall: Never thought I'd want a Man to do that but here we are....

    Mazza: Lana will be bitterly disappointed.

    6. Renee Young To Stop Saying "Ohhhhh"

    Mazza: Is it genuine shock? Is it her catchphrase? Is it annoying? I can only answer the third of those questions and it's a resounding "YES". Also, while we are at it, she can also stop sitting on the fence when it comes to Dean. If she is going to sit anywhere it's... well, you know...

    Randall: No wonder Dean turned on Seth, hearing that "Ohhhhh" in the sack and now on TVÖ

    5. No Women's Tag Team Titles

    Randall: There are too many titles as it is. Keep it at two Women's Titles and leave it at that.

    Mazza: Imagine a tag team of women sitting on your face. Although I'd say Nia and Tamina are favourites if the titles did happen so maybe not.

    4. All These Old Farts Be Gone

    Mazza: This means you Taker, Shawn, Kane, Shane, Kurt, even Jericho and Trips. Fuck off. Unless you want to wrestle in middle of the show gimmick battle royal, fuck off. And take Brock with you. And Cena and Orton. And don't even think about it, Dwayne

    Randall: I'm shocked you even threw Hunter in there but I concur with the lot of them, especially Shane. Best in the World my ass.

    3. Competition To Challenge WWE

    Randall: Wishful thinking but they need a kick up the ass because their weekly shows are on autopilot and it's woeful.

    Mazza: Thankfully we don't have to watch them every week for column purposes. Oh. Or should I say "OHHHHHHH"!

    2. 2019: A Year of Classic Bryan Matches

    Mazza: We missed out them when it should have been his peak in 2014. They've not really clicked since his return. However his heel turn has given a new hope and I want that second career HBK type catalogue for GOAT face this year.

    Randall: Once that happens, people will appreciate his talent and he'll have that second big (goat) face run to cap off a remarkable comeback.

    1. Skitz To Not Disappear Again Like He Usually Does

    Randall: The bastard is a talented writer, playing the serious and comedy sides to perfection. Then he pisses off, wallows in self pity and starts all over again. FICKLE! Be consistent, like I am at getting banned from Twitter.

    Mazza: I'd honestly be shocked if he stuck around long enough to post this. Although I would be pissed if he didn't. This is far too much work for me at the moment.

    Randall: Wouldn't have known since you never show up at your regular gig.....

    Mazza: Touche!





    Rey Ca$h ~

    For the eighteenth year
    Of the two thousandth mil
    I give you my wishes
    For which next year should build
    I hope for the dream
    Of Velveteen hue
    To continue to grow
    And get his just due
    And an Era that lives
    Undisputedly well
    Should get all the gold
    What a story to tell
    And dastardly Ciampa
    Will hopefully find
    His way back to his Johnny
    Done themselves in kind
    And back in the darkness
    Is the mysterious Black
    A Rumble awaits
    Debuting on track
    For Tuesday Night Smackdown
    I wish for in full
    Great ratings on Fox
    New strings to be pulled
    A couple of Usos
    A spouse that will glow
    Need pushes of strength
    This we all know
    A NEW Daniel Bryan
    Proud Vegan, no shame
    Meets a new rival
    Black Mass is the name
    Then Andrade Almas
    Heís known as Cien
    Should ascend to new heights
    US gold, he should win
    The Man is still waiting
    For her biggest test
    A Rowdy challenge waits
    Main Event seems the best
    A Phenomenal task
    Awaits AJ Styles
    He faces the Beast
    After the Rumble mile
    Speaking of Lesnar
    This I say is a fact
    Just show the fuck up sometimes
    Iíll be happy with that
    For Rollins and Ambrose
    A brotherhood torn
    A Mania classic
    For them is sworn
    And please Mr. Santa
    Give me this wish
    Let tag teams be tag teams
    Enough of this shit
    I hope that Braun Strowman
    Heals up very well
    He needs a big win
    The title compels
    And to The Big Dog
    I plead to stay strong
    Get healthy Roman
    Get back where you belong
    My final wish Santa
    Is for us internet fans
    Wrestlingís for all
    US or Japan
    Opinions are rampant
    But passion is bliss
    Letís stop the complaining
    And love this business

    FIN





    Kleck ~

    Okay, I won't sing, Skittlez. Though I thought about doing a poem about a song, or a song about a poem, just to mess with you...

    What do I want for Christmas? Less snowflakes.

    We aren't individually unique. We aren't individually special. But we are equal. And having established that, we are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. At some point in everyone's lives, they will become the punchline, or butt of a few jokes, and the focus of some hostility. It's unavoidable (especially as grown ass pro wrestling fans!). But don't be the wet fucking blanket that takes the piss out of life because you're feeling insecure in your own skin.

    Humans aren't just snowflakes, and heaping piles of shit, mind you, we are also very shark like, in that when we can smell blood in the water, we will circle the wounded. So on top of ruining everyone else's freedom of speech, and expression, you paint a red bullseye right on your soft spot. Ever heard of manifest destiny? I learned at a young age to take the piss out of myself when I'm feeling vulnerable. Predators like a fight. If you don't give it to them, they won't circle you.

    So suck it up, buttercup. Your life is infinitely easier than your ancestors. We all get shit on, and that doesn't mean we should all get up on our soapboxes and bitch and moan incessantly about how unfair life is. If your ancestors could hear/see you, they would Sunset Flip Bomb you through that soapbox. Cause you have more rights and freedoms than they ever could have dreamed of- while you live in the most peaceful time in the entirety of human history, yet feel targeted/disenfranchised/offended...

    Try living through Typhoid, religious crusades, living on a continent when it becomes "discovered", a 100 year war, or being Heath Slater.

    It can always be harder.





    Don ~

    When it comes to the WWE, there is so much that one could wish for. Where does one even begin? Well, at the beginning, I guess...

    I wish for common sense. I wish WWE would start booking their wrestlers and the feuds that they are involved in logically. How about when a wrestler is a face and he is not afraid of anything and he turns heel and is suddenly afraid of everybody? Makes no fucking sense. Please stop that shit. I wish that WWE would run their brain around the block to jog their fucking memory. Throwbacks to past events and feuds can create great moments and WWE really need to start taking more advantage of that. Besides, you can't just completely forget about something for the sake of a story. That makes the previous story pointless.

    I wish that RAW would seriously go back down to two hours and actually put in an effort to compete with the overall quality of Smackdown. They have more or less the same writers, so why should one show be a commercial while the other is mostly enjoyable? I wish for consistency. This 50/50 booking needs to come to an abrupt end. I wish that WWE would start putting faith in their current crop of talent and actually allow them to show the world their worth.

    Fuck it, I REALLY wish Vince would just retire.





    Bearly Reviewing ~

    SkitZ: The Brewsome Twosome were all in until they found out Iíd booked another European tag team to go on before them. Apologies for the no-show, people. Please accept this crap consolation prize...




    A rare photo of me (center), Bear (left) and Oli (right)





    Mav ~

    So WWE, it would seem, have actually fulfilled one of my wishes in some way already, as the uber talented Mustafa Ali has debuted on Smackdown and been treated as a star. But letís go further! I would like to see Ali get a genuine push from WWE that lands him a big midcard title win at WrestleMania, after a star turn in the Rumble. Subsequently, Iíd love to see the man catch fire, and start to gather Daniel Bryan levels of popularity. He has the talent and the charisma; all he needs now is the platform and the booking.





    SkitZ ~

    Alright letís steer this thing off the racetrack before it starts to drag. Buckle in, coneheads!

    My wonky wishlist includes:

    -- Roman defeating leukemia in 2019 so WWE can unveil Vest Cancer Awareness Month when he returns. Pink Kevlar for everyone!

    -- Becky legitimately becoming "The Man" by getting a sex change. Yes you read that correctly. Fully commit to the character, Lynch! That main event spot at WrestleMania would be as good as yours with some surgical assistance. Vince wonít dare go to war with the LGBT community in this social climate! Discrimination against transgenders would bring the company nuclear heat so yeahÖ Book the appointment and youíre a shoe-in to headline WM35, Bucky Lynch.

    -- Gargano weaseling his way into the the main event of TakeOver: Phoenix and capturing the NXT Title. Now allow me to preface this wish by saying that the other two men in said equation are equally awesome. Ciampa is pretty much what heel Austin circa 2001 couldíve been if handled correctly and Black is basically NXTís Undertaker. Either guy would do great business with the belt going forward but mannnn Johnny Wrestling is my fuckiní dude. Heís got that intangible quality about him; a Bryan/Zayn hybrid. No matter whatís going on in the background, my eyes always gravitate towards the TV screen during Garganoís matches and I canít help but get sucked in. His stuff is just as engaging as a villain and if anybody deserves a run with the NXT Championship before moving on, itís Johnny 5-Star. Garganoís been chasing the gold for a year now; reward him already! Tommaso and Aleister have had their moments in the sun.

    -- Attending another wrestling show. Itís been almost six years since my last live event (12/27/2013 to be exact) and I miss the adrenaline spike that comes from experiencing a show in person. It's kinda tough to empathize while watching from my recliner.

    -- New Japan becomes so obsessed with tapping into the North American market that they sign John Cena to a huge contract and turn him heel. NJPW fans weep into their pillowcases as Super Saiyan Cena spends the next decade dominating the promotion with his lightning fist finisher. Then when it canít possibly get any worse, corny joke John resurfaces, grows his hair out and creates the Mullet Club. Sorry, I have an unconditional love for cruel humor.

    -- On a slightly more serious note, I want the Columns Forum to remain active enough for us do this shit all over again next December. My annual clusterfudge began ten long years ago and Iíve dedicated most of the Christmases since to keeping it alive. 7 outta 10 ainít too shabby, right? I wouldíve been thrilled with a 69% on my Sex Ed Essay in the last CSI.





  2. #2
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    186 miles from Sheepster
    Posts
    527
    Excellent work all. Enjoyed that. I love that you censored Fenichel but still broke 100 other forum rules.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    19
    My dog ate my contribution.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    In Plan's Brain
    Posts
    181
    It's not Christmas til that is up.

    And funnily enough, Cult, I've never watched an Ospreay match. Wouldn't recognise the guy if I passed him in the street so no real judgment from me!

  5. #5
    The Brain
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    2,632
    Nony – This is why everyone put Rikishi references into their CSI column.

    Pete – My god does WWE ever need a modern day Gene Okerlund! Is Scott Stanford still on the payroll? Or maybe Renee Young would be better served stepping back into that role?

    Samwell – I don’t love Seth nearly as much as you, but WWE could do much worse than rolling the dice with him as a top babyface.

    Mr Cooooool – Seeing NXT callups treated with an ounce of care would be more than enough for me!

    Skully – Choked on my breakfast at “any Lesnar match is axiomatically high-caliber”. You and I are on different wavelengths for sure! I do think a Lesnar/Lashley match could have torn the house down at one time, but I’m skeptical in 2019. Wouldn’t mind seeing them try, if Lesnar is even still around.

    Imp – I wonder if New Japan will ever properly pull the trigger on Naito. Seems like they have him slotted in the old Nakamura role where he’s so popular they don’t bother making him top champion.

    Dyn-o-mite – Right up my alley here, except like most humans I don’t care about Baron Corbin. Miz beating Lesnar though, you’re preaching to the choir!

    Colt Iken – I’m so on the fence about getting BOLA this year. I hate PWG’s slow ass distribution and watching all three shows can be a bit of a slog, but the line up is soooo good I may do it anyway. I’d trade everything mentioned in this entire column for LU Season 5, and I’m holding you to that Rush/Park match. Dying at that WALTER/Naito remark and yeah, that’s New Japan’s best shot at breaking my personal scale.

    Chrissss – How the heck do you fire Vince?

    RRRob – Man, I miss your columns mate. Hear hear, watch what you like and be happy about it!

    Spinny – Ha, jelly of the month club. I should start our next TNA collab, shouldn’t I?

    Zakington – Nobody is ready for WWE creative. They’re undefeated in fucking up careers.

    Burninator – I think it’s very dumb that WWE can make a trillion dollars on TV deals but other perfectly good wrestling companies struggle to get broadcast. Definitely want to see a turnaround on that, it’s fresh content you stupid TV networks!

    Kerv – Miss ya, jerkface. Miz rocks.

    Man With The – You and Sam on the Rollins train, eh? I’ll say this, if they are going with Rollins, I’d love to see them go all in, and that’s the way to do it.

    Mazda – Throwing Trips out with the bathwater? I’m legitimately shocked!

    Rey $$$$ – I think a wrestling fanbase that never complained would actually be rather unhealthy, but we could absolutely strike a better balance. Stop watching what you hate, people!

    Kleck – By that logic, won’t our descendants look back and be horrified by how we live? Discontent is part of progress, my friend.

    Donny – I’m all for continuity and consequence entering into the WWE consciousness again!

    Bearly – Gimmick infringement! Gimmick infringement!

    ‘Rick – Huge fan of Ali, hope he excels instead of getting dumped into midcard hell when WWE’s attention defecit disorder kicks in.

    Skitzoid – Think this thing is long enough already?? Get out to a live show mate, and merry Christmas!

  6. #6
    Member #25 SirSam's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,410
    Great job all around, particularly the censoring of Fenichel however after reading through I'm with Rob all our wish lists could come true but the IWC would just find another 50 things that need to happen before we are all happy. Screw that let's rebel by just enjoying the damn thing, appreciating what is going on and investing I the characters and stories emotionally instead of coldly checking off boxes on our fantasy booking sheet. And if we are unable to do that then let's have the good sense to step away and not live in a world of toxic negativity.

    Merry Christmas everyone you are the best damn wrestling community going around. As Skitz said let's make sure we are all here again next year.

  7. #7
    Forgotten Ponder Super Hoody's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    93
    You actually posted it. Shocked.

    Fun as always Skitz, think that's my 2nd or 3rd contribution to this yearly shindig. Maybe I'll get you on MY Power 10 someday *stares daggers at Maz*

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    289
    Yup, this was awesome. Glad to have been involved.

    Despite you few wishlists, I sensed a recurring theme here, which I honestly expected.

    Sign me up next year!

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    105
    Nony ~ Haha yep that's me; the King of Contradiction. I love having you bat first in the Christmas lineup because it's always a wishlist out of left field. Gotta start the festivities off on the right foot.


    Tim ~ As legit an excuse as any. Keep in mind though that I can edit your shit into the column when it comes out the other end. Eh actually unless he's severely constipated, that ship's already sailed. Disregard!


    Maz ~ I'm shocked that your comment didn't trigger a lengthy ALL CAPS rant in Scott Steiner's voice. And yeah, who the hell is Ospreay? Isn't that a rare type of bird? I'll have to YouTube it after posting this.


    Mizfit ~ You would feedback every single wishlist! The overall number of contributions dipped a little this year but I think we still had a pretty solid turnout considering how (in)active the forums are. We've gotta catch a show together at some point!


    Sam ~ Totally agree, homie. Rob's wishlist was one of my favorites this Christmas as it surely resonated with most of the people who read this. We're all guilty of perpetual complaining (some more than others) and I've found that wrestling is far more enjoyable when I'm not writing about it.


    Randall ~ It's a Festivus miracle! And yes I'm expecting a few cameo appearances in future POWER 10s in exchange for your invite to my Christmas shindig. Maz better never give me shit for letting someone else do all the work in a column ever again!


    Don ~ I did my best to add variety and space out the wishlists that sounded similar but you're absolutely right. This had a consistent theme running through it and that's for WWE to pull their heads out of their WrestleCrappers. Unfortunately, Vince thinks his shit don't stink when it reality it reeks.
    Last edited by SkitZ; 12-26-2018 at 08:51 AM.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    142
    Quote Originally Posted by mizfan
    Skully – Choked on my breakfast at “any Lesnar match is axiomatically high-caliber”. You and I are on different wavelengths for sure!
    Maybe I could been better in re-wording...not necessarily in quality, but certainly high-caliber in spectacle. Every match he has is on PPV, nearly every single one is the main event, so any Lesnar match is automatically treated as high-caliber. That said, I generally do like most of his matches (minus a few absolute crappers), so I'm pretty sure we still are on different wavelengths!

    I don't really agree with Rob's sentiment that today's fans are quiet, but I do agree wholeheartedly with his thoughts that they're a bit of a pain in the ass. Like, enough with the stupid chants.

    SkitZ, this was a blast - great little yearly tradition and I love seeing some of the names you've dragged out of hiding!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •