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    Half Suck, Half Dull ~ The Worst Royal Rumble Match [Opening Round]




    Half Suck, Half Dull ~
    The Worst Royal Rumble Match
    [Opening Round]
    ________________________






    The nerve of this Skull Digger dude! How could he exclude me of all people from another one of his PPV tournaments??? And to make matters worse, Iíve been replaced by Mazza who can barely find the time to keep the Power 10 afloat yet has hours on end to write about irrelevant Rumble matches! Talk about a royal screwjob. Perhaps this is some type of sick rib on Skulís part but either way, heís fractured a perfectly good relationship and now Iíve got a bone to pick with that spineless bastard-




    Skul: SkitZ, you declined my invite last June to participate in the SummerSlam seriesÖ and when I started organizing the Rumble tourney, you had already gone MIA again!



    Thatís enough out of you, traitor. And for the record, Iíve never been to Miami in my life. I have scoured the Western Hemisphere however in search of cretins miserable enough to assist me in this ridiculous crusade (ala a tournament of our own to crown the shittiest Royal Rumble match in WWE history). We've compiled pages upon pages of painstaking data and spent countless late nights studying the absolute worst that the January classic has to offer. Yeah, thatíll teach Skul!



    Before we dive into the craptastic bracket below, letís first introduce the motley crue that makes up this voting panel. Leading the charge is yours truly; 4-time Main Pager, 6-time Columnist of the Month, LOP Hall of Famer, etc, etc. Iím flanked by aspiring podcaster and fellow collab whore Spinmaster who hasnít won a goddamn thing. Accompanying us on this quest is 5-time COTM winner Kleckamania - a writer so coveted, he spent seven months sitting in limbo before Calvin could be arsed to set up his posting account on the MP. Strengthening our collective blood alcohol level is resident drunk and tit extraordinaire Anonymous. Then bringing up the rear is Randall of course who excels at doing Mazís bitch work and getting banned from Twitter. Together the five of us will discuss each matchup ad nauseam before ultimately voting on which is more repulsive. And for any readers expecting a field of 64, youíre fucking nuts. We went balls to the wall just seeding the 16 that made the cut. Donít believe us? Feast your eyes on our bracket:










    See? Weíre clearly too short sighted to bother with rhyme or reason. Now bring forth the madness!





    [#1] Yokozuna/Undertaker (1994) vs.
    [#16] Royal Rumble Match (2011)


    SkitZ: Who couldíve predicted Taker and Yokoís casket match turning into a bigger clusterfuck than the 2011 Rumble. Furthermore, was it really necessary for Wippleman to call upon his entire client base to help entomb The Deadman? Maybe Harveyís henchmen just wanted to ring in the New Year a little differently in Ď94? Were they simply playing a game of herd box? Are my suggestions total bullocks? Probably but I still wouldíve been better off watching this match with a blindfold. Despite the fact that Taker hadnít yet feuded with the Million Dollar Man, smart money says the heel faction interfered because they grew bored of watching the two behemoths slug it out at a snailís pace. In a logical universe, The Deadman would be quite comfortable stuffed inside a coffin. And as his pixelated spirit left the arena, I stopped shaking my head long enough to wonder how we never witnessed a casket match between he and Gangrel.

    The 40-man Rumble is also quite mystifying. I love me some stable wars but why have The Corre and New Nexus brawl right before the bell when theyíre all scheduled to join the melee minutes later? The feuding factions stunk up a quarter of a field that was already crammed with foul filler like Hornswoggleís Cena-assisted comedy bit. It wouldíve been rather fitting had the final two come down to Punk and Bryan (who were the stars of said match) but in typical WWE fashion they awarded those spots to Del Rio and Santino. Baffling yes, but not nearly as inexplicably booked as Wipplemanís posse gangbanging a corpse with kinetic powers.


    Nony: I love a Rumble, no matter how bad or good it is. The 40 man Rumble is a slog, Iíll accept that but, it shouldnít be featured in this contest. Itís a fucking Rumble! And itís full of little bits that make me smile. Listen to that crowd reaction for Santino! Reduce the running time by 10 minutes, give the win to Santino and you probably have something watchable. Fuck Del Rio though.

    The casket match is merciful in its length. The commentary is awesome. Other than that, thereís not much to write home about. Iíve seen worse hoss matches. I know weíve been spoiled by our ickle indie darlings who flip around and do pretty things but these guys were never going to do that. And it barely takes any time at all to sit through. The first 5 minutes are totally tolerable and actually better than many Big Man matches over the years. Sadly, interference is atrocious and the match completely goes to shit. For that reason, Yoko vs Taker is my pick.


    Kleck: I watched the intro package to the match and all I could do is wonder how Paul Bearer reacted while having sex. Dude is sooo animated with regular, simple shit. Did he go beyond that when he used to nut? Did he do that squealie over vibrato? Was he a chill guy behind the scenes, or was he all wild eyed, creepy faced, amazed at everything all the time? That takes some insane character work (or some nifty drugs), if he wasnít a legit fruit cake.

    The match was actually not bad until 700,000 people interfered. It makes some sense at the time, as the entire fucking roster was terrified of Taker- he was the dude that beat down Hogan! But man, such a sloppy, overly produced shit showÖ kinda like every single RAW in modern times. It wasnít overdone then, but yeeeesh. And lol @Taker levitating. Man, creative was on some spectacular drugs back then! This might have spawned modern wrestlingÖTaker and Zuna should have never bred.

    I actually enjoyed the Rumble match. I liked the early half CM Punk/Nexus domination, and being removed from it for nearly 8 years now, Iím fine with Del Bore-o winning. I wonder whatever happened to that Husky Harris fellow? Anyways, we are picking the worst match to win, right? If so my pick is Taker vs Zuna.


    Randall: I grew up being terrified of The Undertaker coming to drag me into his grave on my wallpaper. Yokozuna is the size I fear to be with obesity. The Ď11 Rumble is 40 men too many in an orgy but Iíll take that any day over the slog that is the casket match.


    Spinster: Ok, so the 2011 Royal Rumble is a bit of a trainwreck. They threw an extra 10 men into the match when the roster couldnít even support the regular 30. However, I would watch that match every day for the next year before I sitting down and rewatching the overbooked, convoluted, clusterfuck that was the 1994 Casket Match. Easily the worst match in Rumble history and one of the worst I have ever seen. Fuck that mess.


    [#1] Yokozuna/Undertaker (1994) wins 5-0





    [#8] Boogeyman/JBL (2006) vs.
    [#9] Genius/Beefcake (1990)


    Spinster: Thereís a lot of people who believe a short match should get a pass just because the torture ends quickly. I am not one of those people. There is no excuse for a piece of shit like Boogeyman vs JBL. I have seen matches that clock in under a minute and still entertain me more than a 30 minute ďclassicĒ. In comparison to our number 8 seed, Beefcake versus The Genius watches like, well, a stroke of genius.


    SkitZ: The eighth seed does possess one redeeming quality and thatís the banter between Cole and Tazz during Bradshawís entrance - Cole: And how about what happened a couple weeks ago when The Boogeyman in one of the most disgusting things Iíve ever seen in my entire life licked and then ATE that cancerous growth off the face of Jillian Hall!? / Tazz: Yeah it was a moonpie moment for sure. I mean The Boogeyman just had- it was like an orderve. He just ate that tumorous growth. He just sucked the juices out of that thing. / Cole: Okay okay. Ahhh Tazz is more of a hoot than the New Day. I really should give his podcast a listen.

    Once the bell rings, itís literally just 3 minutes of JBL punching Boogey before he gets pump handle slammed and pinned. At least Beefcake/Genius follows some sort of structure. Vince had Savage Lite doing poetry and cartwheels to draw heel heat because I guess he figured wrestling fans hated the gays (pretty ironic when you consider how much we get off on this shit). And to that point, Beefcake/Genius is only a Hacksaw and Tatanka shy of plunging deep into Village People territory. It goes against my gimmick to condemn such things however so Iím voting for the Boogeyman squash. Dude was in his 40s by then and still couldnít do much besides munch on worms.


    Nony: Sandow deserved everything he received for stealing The Geniusí gimmick and doing it worse. The crowd is hot for the match but it really does suck and actually seems to get worse as it goes along. I was actually pleased to see Mr. Perfect come in and save things. Itís not dreadful; just a bit shit.

    Meanwhile Boogey vs. JBL has Jillian Hall in it wearing very little, which instantly means the other match is losing. She really does have some Epic Boobs. Itís quite distracting. Hmmm, Iíll be right backÖ

    ÖUmmmm where was I? Yeah, Jillian Hall is great and the match provides a bit of comedy relief and barely takes up any time. Hallís outfit places it comfortably amongst the greatest Rumble matches of all time. 100 times better than Genius/Beefcake.


    Kleck:

    I kinda dug Geniusí character work,
    Despite the initial poem,
    But Beefcake is a total dork,
    Talent doesnít call him home.
    Lol at Beefcake, continuing to cut Geniusí hair,
    While Perfect attacks, Genius nearly gets decapped, stupid Beefcake doesnít care.

    Much like this poem, a hatchet job, This match was double dumb.

    Man, Jillian Hall was hot back in the day. Grade A hair, grade A bewbs. Taking worms in her mouth- another day at the office for her. Damn! Good thing JBL, one of the best heels on the roster at the time, jobbed out to the great Boogeyman so convincingly. It was clearly worth it! Boogeyman went on to do amazing things with that push....

    This match was a steaming hot shitpile. I cannot believe you (Skittlez) have presented me with a scenario in which Beefcake vs Genius is the best match. I also cannot believe I have to even type out a sentence in which I say JBL vs. Boogeyman won. They win the worst match award. I feel Jillian Hall levels of dirty.


    Randall: I was a JBL supporter ever since he turned into the loud mouth Texan with money and a nice hat. The travesty that is his loss to The Boogeyman always left a bad taste in my mouth, more so that what that growth on Jillian Hallís face mustíve tasted like. As for Brutus, his career was a joke so I refuse to acknowledge it.


    [#8] Boogeyman/JBL (2006) wins 4-1





    [#5] Islanders/Stallions (1988) vs.
    [#12] Royal Rumble Match (2015)


    Randall: The 2015 edition is a textbook example of how not to do a Rumble. Fuck Roman Reigns.


    Spinster: Oh man, the 2015 Royal Rumble. What a disaster in terms of booking choices. From the elimination decisions, to the winner, to the order of entrants, the WWE booking committee just couldnít seem to catch a break on this night. Thereís no way the Islanders vs Young Stallions match could be that bad, right? Iíll have to watch and find out for myself. Here we goÖ




    Oh shit, sorry, I fell asleep. Who knew a scenario where four people are beating the crap out of each other could be such a snoozer. The talent involved should be ashamed of themselves for being unable to do anything memorable with the 14 minutes they were given. The Rumble may suck but at least I can watch the whole thing. I canít say the same for the borefest from the original Rumble event.


    SkitZ: What I find hilarious about Islanders/Stallions is how thereís an intermission squeezed in between the first and second fall so WWE can conduct an unrelated interview. Imagine a commercial break during RAW but, instead of a car ad, itís just more wrestling filler. Meanwhile, The Stallions leave ringside to sell Romaís injured knee to which I ask why make him do all that extra walking when the match isnít over? Roma then spends the majority of the second fall ailing on the apron before receiving the saddest hot tag ever. Powers might as well be working a handicap contest as his partner taps to a Boston crab seconds later. Young Stallions lose 2-0 in arguably the most uninspired two-out-of-three fails match in wrestling history.

    My hatred of the 2015 Royal Rumble lies mostly in Vince lying to himself in regards to what fans wanted that year. Itís terribly depressing to watch Bryan bounced early while the Philly crowd grows increasingly pissed as the likes of Ziggler and Ambrose are eliminated by corporate stooges. Not even Romanís cousin could quiet the riot but even on his worst day, The Rock > Haku. Thus I vote in favor of the quartet who headlined in Ď88.


    Nony: The 2015 match is a fucking Rumble and therefore wonít be voted for as EVERY Rumble has some good in it and this one is no exception. Plus Wyatt is awesome. The roster sucked and they did what they could and produced something watchable, which you can enjoy. Itís similar to 2011 in the winner ruining it though.

    The Divas tag match in the 1988 Rumble is quite enjoyable. However, the overlong shit fest that is the Islanders versus Young Stallions is utterly agonizing. What the fuck? Iíd rather insert my penis into a blender than be forced to watch that shit again. How the hell did that main event a PPV? Even the crowd seems bored. Itís not close. Islanders/Stallions hurts to watch.


    Kleck: I fucking love Meng. If I were to pick my 5 favorite wrestlers ever, Meng would be one of them. But this match is a bit of a dumpster fire, and the main reason is Haku (Meng). Dude was so bad on his timing in his early days in WWF, and especially in this match. There was a spot, where Haku missed a dropkick by a fucking mile, and Roma sold it like he nearly died. I could not stop laughing at that throughout the rest of the match. Iím so glad Meng shed his mortal skin (Haku), and went on to become the legend he was in WCW. This match is a slam dunk pick.

    I was mad at the 2015 Rumble at the time, because of its utterly inept booking, but it is nowhere near as bad as Islanders vs. Stallions.


    [#5] Islanders/Stallions (1988) wins 4-1





    [#4] Steiner/HHH (2003) vs.
    [#13] Mickie/Ashley (2006)


    Kleck: Itís kind of hard for me to dislike a match involving 3 women when theyíre as hot as this trio. It was a sloppy and awkward match though. Asshole laugh at the fans outright booing the match after Ashley made a spear look like something you do casually- like a soft, off balance, drunk hug. Then they had to end it quick/on the fly. That sunset bomb was not protected at all lol. Surprised Ashleyís neck didnít turn into an accordian. Sloppy is the one word describer for this match, but I still have a thing for Mickie... Despite the weird hug bit after the match. I hoped Trish would warm up to the idea. Oh well...

    Man, Steiner was not in wrestle shape at all for this match. He is sucking wind real early! I forgot how bad this match is. That blade job was terrible. The finish is just awful. What a car fire. Who is the fucking face in this match?!? Congrats Steiner/HHH, youíre the worst.


    Randall: Whoever thought putting Steiner - who couldnít wrestle out of a wet paper bag since his ďgenetic enhancementsĒ - in a match with HHH at the peak of his burying spree was obviously on crack. As for poor Mickie, talented as she was she just couldnít get a decent bout out of a street corner hooker. Oh, that was Ashley? Eh, gimme a bottle of vodka and Iíd smash her (then with the bottle afterwards). HHH/Steiner take the L here, so to speak.


    Spinster: The 2003 title match between Steiner and Triple H is the definition of disappointment. Steiner was built up as this unflappable phenom when he arrived in late 2002. The fans fell for it hook, line and sinker. It seemed like we were finally going to see someone give Triple H the beating weíd been waiting for! The audience in the arena and the fans at home sat down expecting to watch a feel good, above average contest. What we got was a boring, plodding, disaster of a match. The genetic freak meandered around the ring with the cerebral assassin while providing zero skill, intrigue or excitement to the bout.

    Mickie versus Ashley was a terrible match but then again it wasnít expected to be much in the first place. We got what we thought we would and Iím ok with that. Not every match is going to steal the show, but when your brandís top title canít even produce a passable performance you have serious problems. Easy choice here as Steiner vs. Triple H win running away.


    SkitZ: ďWalk away windedĒ is more like it. You know, HHH/Steiner watches a lot like Hunterís matches against Batista but with umpteen suplexes added in. The crowdís so displeased with Big Poppa Pumpís repetitive repertoire, it actually triggers a double turn! Yep, he white heat babyfaced it long before Cena. Eh thatís what WWE gets for trying to sell Scott Steiner as a good guy. Clearly none of them gave WCW a glance when the ship was sinking. Trips did his best to steer them back to solid ground but the audienceís disdain for the intended fan favorite was as obvious as Steinerís purple g-string. How much you wanna bet he borrowed it from Val Venis? The two of them were probably tighter than buttcheeks.

    HHH and Freakzillaís first encounter may have left little to be desired but the same canít be said for Mickieís wrestling attire during her dyke phase. She fought Ashley for the affection of Trish in a cat fight that resembled shades of Terri/Kat from WrestleMania XVI. Weíre talking straight up eye herpes. James/Massaro is painful in a technical sense but every bit as pleasurable from a male perspective so Iím giving the girls a pass here. Hunterís deflation of Big Poppa Slump should advance without much hassle.


    Nony: Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson preceded HHH vs. Scott Steiner and was one of the most enjoyable things Iíve ever witnessed. It immediately put me in a good mood so what could go wrong? Well, apparently everything. If Dawn/Torrie was a lovely 30 minute meal, HHH/Steiner is the 48 hours of food poisoning that follows. Steiner just wasnít a very good face in this match and everything he or Hunter did seemed to happen in slow motion. It goes on forever, results in a cheap finish and just plain sucks.

    Mickie versus Ashley has two wonderful young ladies trying their best in it and Trishís referee outfit is wonderful. I enjoyed many, many aspects of this match and was blissfully unaware there was any wrestling going on for most of it. A fantastic match from top to bottom and thereís absolutely nothing wrong with it. Steiner/HHH needs to go through.


    [#4] Steiner/HHH (2003) wins 5-0





    [#3] Royal Rumble Match (1999) vs.
    [#14] Evolution/Dudleyz (2004)


    Nony: Another Rumble match?! Ugh. Who made this shit list? Rumbles never suck!! The 1999 one has its flaws but it tells a story that befits the Attitude Era wonderfully. Austin versus McMahon was red hot at the time and is one of the greatest feuds of all time. Spotlighting it made sense. Admittedly it would have been nice to see some of the other guys get a chance to shine but there really arenít many stars in there worth a damn. Itís all good fun still.

    Meanwhile, a green Batista working a match alongside three legends is really not that bad and I struggle to see how it made this list. The match is never dull and pretty much delivers your standard Dudleys table match against anybody not named Edge, Christian or Hardy. The finish is a bit abrupt and Coach sucks but, I still think thereís far worse in the contest. That includes Royal Rumble 1999 which I may have defended but really donít want to watch again.


    Randall:


    Kleck: Randall is speechless, and I know exactly why this timeÖ

    Much like myself, Randall undoubtedly loves the 1999 Royal Rumble match. I personally am a sucker for an engaging story, and watching Stone Cold and Vince play this feud out just reminds me of how much fun it was. Total nostalgia for me. And the exact amount of cheese needed. The moment Austin drives back into the arena in the ambulance, Vinceís facial expressions were hilarious! Austin getting screwed fits perfectly within the story arch. Truly, this might be one of my favorite Rumbles. If not for the stark contrast it had to typical Rumble matches. Their feud was bleeding through into everything at the time- it actually fit perfectly.

    The Dudleys/Evolution match never stood a chance in this matchup. I suspect it was insanely brief because baby Batista and old man Ric Flair were a thing. As for the Dudleys, they were just checked out at this point. Not a horrific match, but a waste of a PPV spot considering the match time imo. Add in Coach overacting the hell out of a rib injury to the point where it makes him look helmet worthy, and Dudleys/Evolution is head and shoulders above the Austin/Vince on the shit scale.


    Spinster: I donít have a lot to say about these as I believe the choice is evident. On one side we have a short, pointless table match that did nothing of note except make a decorated tag team look like chumps. And on the other side we have a match that took one of the greatest match types of all time and turned it into an afterthought on its own PPV. There are entire stretches of the 1999 Royal Rumble match where we donít watch the ring, as well as other stretches where participants just stand around wondering what to do next. WWE should be ashamed of what they did to my beloved Rumble match in 1999.


    SkitZ: While Austin/McMahon has repeatedly proven to be a winning combination, the poor Rumble is merely used as a prop in this scenario to further their rivalry. So much of the focus is on Stone Cold and Vince that they strip the match of what makes it special. There are no true ironman performances within the 1999 melee and so much attention is paid to whatís happening outside the ring at the expense of what takes place inside it. Nobodyís given the opportunity to shine except for The Rattlesnake whoís in there with bums like Bossman and DíLo Brown towards the end of the Rumble.

    Their competition in this round is the Dudleyz/Evolution curtain jerker. A sloppy effort from Naitch and Belly Ray until Coachmanís interference allows Batista to spinebuster D-Von through a table for the victory. An anticlimactic ending and more so since only one member of a team needed to taste wood in order to lose (2000 wants its rules back). The Tag Title contest watches like these four arrived moments prior to showtime and didnít have any time to rehearse. A headshaker for sure but the Austin/McMahon Invitational gets the nod from me nevertheless.


    [#3] Royal Rumble Match (1999) wins 3-2...?





    [#6] Henry/Angle (2006) vs.
    [#11] Test/Lashley (2007)


    SkitZ: Andrew Martin returning to the company as Test was hilarious since, judging by his physique, I canít imagine him passing one. His match with Lashley runs seven minutes and change and exudes the scent of hot garbage (like a 2007 version of Junkyard Dog versus Ultimate Warrior). They go back and forth until Test targets Lashleyís left arm with weak restholds. My favorite moment though is when Bobby drops him during a press slam to sell the injured limb and the crowd begins chanting ďyou fucked upĒ because none of them can grasp psychology.

    Angle contributed to a handful of classics throughout 2005-06 but this was not one of them. Why the fuck would this headline over Cena/Edge? Oh right, so Undertaker could make a cameo and wreck the ring with his psychic abilities. Meh. The crowd goes mild fairly quickly due to Henry dominating the first half of the bout with boring big man offense. Things pick up a tad in the final 4-5 minutes as Kurt resorts to every underhanded tactic in the book - low blows, chair shots, using the ropes for leverage, etc. - because following the rules is lame I guess? Itís a dud no doubt but Iím picking the lower seed in this bracket because it defies logic far more than the whack meet between WWEís Olympic gold medalists. I mean címon nowÖ Test walked out on an ECW Title match when he wasnít even champion!


    Nony: Angle/Henry is fucking brilliant and whoever selected it should be ashamed of themselves. It was David versus Goliath, except David was a manipulative little shit and would do anything to beat Goliath. I really love the match and disagree with it being on the countdown. Mark Henry is one of the most underrated wrestlers in WWE history and by this point, I really enjoyed his work. Plus The Undertaker fucking returns!

    Therefore Test vs Lashley, which is basically a ďnothingĒ match, loses by default. Compare the first 5 minutes of Undertaker/Yokozuna with this match and youíll see the difference in quality. This outright sucks and Test should have been in rehab getting off the juice instead of stinking up ECW.


    Kleck: A leveraged schoolboy is a rough way to end a good match between Henry/Angle, but it made sense, and the match was still good. I think people view this match so negatively because of how they imagined this match to be beforehand versus what it played out to be, paired with how abrupt a potentially great match ended. The action had to be plodding in spots, because it was building the match psychology for Angleís increasing antics/desperation. And it needed to end in a way that wasnít quite definitive, to drive home Angleís character change. It was still a solid match in my opinion.

    Test vs. Lashley is much lazier from a match choreography standpoint than than the stuff people are criticizing Henry and Angle for. Lashley is so green here, and Test was never a world burner. Their attempts at match psychology, as Skitz pointed out, are pretty funny. The ending is dumb. Like real dumb. This match is much worse than Angle/Henry if you ask meÖ

    Which you did. Test vs. Lashley sucks the most.

    Though at this point I think we can all agree that the 2006 Rumble seriously sucked- Angle versus Henry is the third match in this tournament from that yearís annual event!


    Randall: I had no issues with Test while he was alive. A running big boot was always a mark out moment for me but his match against Black Lesnar was trash. Angle/Henry should not have main evented a Rumble just because of the ending shenanigans but the thought of Hall of Pain Henry versus Angle has got my juices pumping. They advance.


    Spinster: Test was a great midcard wrestler who never should have been in main event matches on any brand. When inside a WWE ring, Lashley has yet to prove to me that heís anything special. Even with both of those things being true, at least this was a match that wanted to be a match and tried to entertain in some way.

    On the other hand, Mark Henry vs. Kurt Angle didnít bother to do anything interesting. It was a waste of ten minutes, a massacre of a title match and a poor excuse for a main event. It went on at the end of the show while Mysterioís feelgood Rumble win was slotted in the middle somewhere. Why did this happen you ask? Not because Henry and Angle was going to be a classic, not because the feud was amazing, and not because the two men were the biggest stars in WWE. No, it went on last because the bookers wanted The Undertaker to destroy the ring with his ďpowersĒ when he returned to stare down Kurt AngleÖ ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!! Fuck you, WWE.


    [#11] Test/Lashley (2007) wins 3-2





    [#7] Dawn/Torrie (2003) vs.
    [#10] Duggan/Boss Man (1990)


    Spinster: Yuck. Two middle of the road contests. Neither is anything great, but neither is the worst thing Iíve had to watch while preparing for this column. Duggan and Boss Man could have been better, and perhaps should have been. They are two talented individuals - well Boss Man is - and they have both had matches that were better and more memorable than this one.

    On the other side we have two women who probably should have never been allowed to wrestle. Torrie and Dawn had potential but unfortunately they werenít trained in a way that would pull a decent match out of them. Instead they were booked to be eye candy, with a potential lesbian interest in each other. That hotel scene alone could make me forget how bad this match was. Then again, the whole Al Wilson storyline was one of the worst things Iíve ever had to sit through on a weekly basis. For that storyline alone Iím handing the loss to Torrie and Dawn.


    SkitZ: I donít ever recall Duggan having a good match, Spinster. And as per usual, his effort against the corrections officer resulted in a clunky confrontation between two brawlers. Bossman sweats through his shirt just walking to the ring while Hacksawís wonky eye provides some symbolism for what would be an unsightly exchange. Why not just make this a 2x4/Nightstick on a Pole match? Also, I suspect BBM mightíve had a few drinks too many beforehand because he starts whipping chairs into the ring and nearly decapitates Duggan with one of them.

    On the flip side, we have the first and hopefully last(?) Stepmother versus Stepdaughter affair. A match that suffers mostly from the storyline death of Al Wilson whom Dawn honors by wearing a vail to the ring. Her skimpy outfit kinda defeats the purpose but whatever. A ďwe want puppiesĒ chant then breaks out in the opening moments because wrestling fans are depraved individuals. Iíll give the dueling Divas a sliver of kudos though for properly applying an armbar. Didnít expect that. Torrie exacts revenge for her father with a neckbreaker outta nowhere as Triple H and Steiner are given the unenviable task of following that.

    So it essentially boils down to who flopped harder: Dawn/Torrie or Duggan/Bossman. Hmmm well after some ho-ing and hawing, Iíve decided to go with the number that best represents failure in WWEÖ #10. Hereís looking at you, Tye!


    Nony: Duggan versus Bossman . The Smackdown feud of Dawn/Torrie got me through my teenage years. Bossman/Duggan couldnít get me through a glass of lemonade without checking my phone and giving in to other distractions.


    Kleck: Wait, was Skitz up there talking about fans being depraved? Like we arenít among them lol. Oh my lord this feud was awful! But Dawn Marie has always been attractive (especially when her and Francine used to roll around in O.G. ECW) and Torrie, to this day, is one of the hottest women alive. Itís like my weiner and brain are at war here. Because this match is terrible. And so unbelievably short...

    Background- Blood feud, like the cheesiest premise ever, to the highest degree. Now Torrie, letís chat... Chick was banging your dad. Banged him to death. Blamed his death on you in front of your family, then smashed you in the back of the head with a lamp at his freakiní wake. Did we see any anger from you in this match? Nope. It was as if you had just met this bitch. I mean come on! Why even do a plot like that! Beneath my calm demeanor right now, Iím a whirling dervish of anger over this match. Even more pissed when I realize I may have to give a Jim Duggan match a pass. ĎCause how could that match be worse than this? This matchís only redemption is Torrieís nipples!

    Whenever Jim Duggan does a promo, I canít tell if he is talking to me, or rich mineral deposits stored deep beneath the Earthís surfaceÖ

    This match was a waste of a PPV spot. The ending was so pointless. Iíve never liked Hacksaw, even as a kid I thought he sucked. Neither wrestler seemed that into this match either. Big Boss Man did his semi best(?), but nobody can carry captain doofus to a good match.

    And yet, horrifically, I now must admit that a Hacksaw match was better than literally any other wrestling match ever. Dawn and Torrie was so bad, it shook my faith in Judaism. I think I am now partially blind as well. That cannot be overlooked because of bewbs! Dawn and Torrie lay waste to everything good in professional wrestling. This match is one of the worst things ever. It is the best at sucking. I think you get it, but it was so bad that it pissed me off. And now I need to go watch a Tongo video on Youtube to balance myself outÖ




    Randall: HLA got my penis popping and Iím not ashamed to admit it. Dawn Marie the seductress getting it on with Torrie Wilson had me reaching for the tissues quicker than the remote for the TV when they wrestled instead. Unfortunately, thatís all they were good for; a cheap wank before continuing on. Gimme Bossman/Duggan any day.


    [#10] Duggan/Boss Man (1990) wins 3-2





    [#2] Bushwhackers/Beverly Brothers (1992)
    vs. [#15] Haku/Race (1989)


    Randall: I fucking HATE the Bushwackers and the Beverly Brothers needed slapping. Haku/Race was interesting at least, if only because of the stories that surround the Tongan and Race being such a tough bastard. Bye bye, sheep shaggers.


    Spinster: This one is the easiest for me to choose and the shortest explanation needed. Simply put, I like Haku versus Harley Race. It isnít a mat classic or a must-see but it differs from the WWE style at that time and attempts to do something meaningful.

    Meanwhile the Bushwhackers vs Beverly Brothers bout was a waste of creative energy, a stain on the history of the Rumble PPV, and minutes of my life that I honestly wish I could have back. Hard to imagine the Bushwackers were actually talented competitors before Vince signed the two and turned them into an unfunny comedy act.


    SkitZ: Holy cow is the tag bout utterly terrible. Itís 15 minutes long but feels like 40. I convinced Spinster to place Bushwhackers/Beverly Bros higher than initially seeded after remembering that it landed on my list of 102 Matches to Avoid While Youíre Alive (which means Iíve wasted a half hour of my life on that shit). Butch & Lukeís antics go on foreverrrrrrrrrrrr and I nearly cried upon thinking the bell hadnít rung yet. Then about half way thru, Gorilla chimes in with some apropos commentary: This match continues at a furious pace!... yeah I was just pissed it hadnít ended already. The Bushwhackers made Eugene look like Silent Bob.

    Long before Eugene donned a cape though, Haku and Harley fought over one (including the King of the Ring crown). The comical flopping in and out of the ring by Race is an Obama-nation. He also hits the lousiest piledriver ever on Haku who makes some kind of Samoan mating cry every time he exhales. Stretch that across nine minutes and itís enough to mute your TV for the duration. I realize this match doesnít accurately portray Raceís body of work which is why I wonít hold his bulbous gut against him. Harley and Haku might fail in certain aspects but itís nowhere near as degrading as the tag match from Ď92. As much as Iíd love to oust The Bushwhackers and Beverly Bros, they win in a landslide (e)victory.


    Nony: Bushwhackers versus Beverly Brothers is visually painful. It sucks as a match and just drags on. Iíd rather watch 100 Boogeyman matches in the time they get to produce this snoozefest. Saying that, the aftermath is extremely inspired and its saving grace. I love every second of it.

    Meanwhile, Haku and Race also has a lot wrong with it. Raceís stomach for starters. Itís certainly no classic and carries on at a pace that implies theyíll be wrestling for hours. Then suddenly, and without any real meaning, itís over. I love that the commentators sell it like theyíve been to hell and back when theyíve barely had a match. Itís not dreadful, just supremely underwhelming. For that reason, Iíll have to give it to Bushwhackers/Beverlys who actually tortured me.


    Kleck: Ughhh. Okay, the first two minutes of the damn tag match they donít even wrestle; they just pose down (mostly the Bushwhackers). I donít particularly mind Butch and Luke, but after seeing their pre-WWE work, I can never look at them as goofy, silly, happy-go-lucky goons ever again. They really do great character work, but man this match...

    The guy that plays Eugene deserves a medal. So good in the role. Character work aside though, this match was a straight up abortion. The only highlight of this entire shit storm of epic shittyness shit-tacular (RIP Jim Lahey) was Bobby the Brain and Gorilla playing their parts amazingly as always. God I miss those two so much. Not even heel Lawler and Jim Ross in their prime were near as good.

    I actually enjoyed Race/Haku. It wasnít great but engaging enough, despite going on a bit too long. This is an easy pick - The Bushwhackers and Beverly Brothers are (un?)comfortably the shittiest match.


    [#2] Bushwhackers/Beverly Brothers (1992) wins 5-0




    __________________________________________________





    That wraps up the Salty Sixteen! Nony was a bit bitter over us including multiple editions of the penultimate Rumble match but he should rest easier knowing that only one's left standing. That being the third seed which narrowly avoided elimination. Henry/Angle and Dawn/Torrie werenít so lucky as we witnessed Olympics Rí Us and Team HLA make an early exit. The other top seeds in the tournament not only dodged an upset but each won their bracket decisively. Now Iíve just gotta convince my four cohorts to do this dreary dance for three more rounds. I could barely get them to participate in this one for fuckís sake! Have they any idea how much work went into this? Roughly 52 minutes worth so Iím not too worried. Alright for those keeping score at home, I leave you with the updated bracket board. Best-case scenario: the Quarterfinal column drops next week. Fingers crossed!











  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    *Heart emojis*

  3. #3
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    Have you really only been on the main page 4 times, Skitz?

  4. #4
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    Got to say, even though I don't remember hardly any of these matches, it's actually a more entertaining read than the Best match equivalent! Fantastic work guys

  5. #5
    The Brain
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    Oh man, there's a lot of wrestlers I like in here, most of them at their worst or saddled with crap opponents unfortunately. Even a few matches I'm fond of, including the #1 seed which I never thought was all that bad, mess that it is. Super fun idea and I'm loving the execution, hit me with some more!

  6. #6
    Author of 101 WWE Matches To See Before You Die Samuel 'Plan's Avatar
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    So...if a match wins...it's the worst match...but it's so worse than the other that...it's better...in the series...so not the worst...so the winning will actually...be...the worst of the best...or best of the worst...or....

    I've not been this confused by rainbows since I was a teenager.

  7. #7
    The Best Worst.

  8. #8
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
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    Wow...what an intro. Then I realized I have no real accolades in these parts and it was fair.

    Credit to the other writers, this was a lot of fun to read back and I really enjoyed it. Issues to point out:

    1). RUMBLE MATCHES ARE ALWAYS FUCKING FUN.
    2). DIVAS MATCHES ARE ALWAYS FUCKING FUN.

    It’s simple enough. If you’re not enjoying them, you’re clearly watching them all wrong.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samuel 'Plan View Post
    So...if a match wins...it's the worst match...but it's so worse than the other that...it's better...in the series...so not the worst...so the winning will actually...be...the worst of the best...or best of the worst...or....

    I've not been this confused by rainbows since I was a teenager.
    See what you've done Skitz! 'Plan's our resident rainbow expert and you've confused him about those!

  10. #10
    Forgotten Ponder
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    This confused 'Planuel so I'd say that this is a successful post. Now that I have internet back, I shall be contributing to the next post intoxicated.

  11. #11
    Always love your parody series. "102 Matches to Avoid while You're Alive" was one of my favorite things to read back in the day. When is that going to make its comeback, by the way?!

    P.S. I like Evolution vs. Dudley Boyz from '04...

  12. #12
    Forgotten Ponder
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skulduggery View Post
    P.S. I like Evolution vs. Dudley Boyz from '04...
    I had written a paragraph saying I liked it too but SkitZ had other plans for that part, on the assumption I was no showing lol

  13. #13
    Technically the winner would be the worst of the worst, not the best of the worst. Matches that are not as bad get eliminated and only the top of the shit pile remain.

  14. #14
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    Taker/Zuna must have been an utter shit show if it did a clean sweep over a Rumble that Del Rio won! Sounds like shenanigans galore and not of the good variety.

    I didn't remember the JBL/Boogeyman match but I clearly remember the growth eating incident. That's just typical WWE.

    I remember how hot Steiner was when he came to WWE. At the time I had no idea who he was so I thought him a big deal based on his crowd reactions and how commentary put him over. That didn't last long though, by Bad Blood he was facing off against Test for the services of Stacy Keibler.... Ah, 2003, the year HHH did battle with WCW.

    Batista was green as fuck by this point, but let's not forget a year later he actually won the Rumble still green as fuck! At least being a main eventer made him get much better though.

    I think memories of that hotel scene just barely stopped Dawn/ Torrie from being worse than Bossman/Duggan hehe.

    This was alot of fun!

  15. #15
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    I just wanted to tell Randall that I love him.

    And sorry, Skul!


    Terrible matches but fun read. The next round seems so much easier, knowing that I don't have to watch 16 extremely shitty matches again...


    P.s. I demand a recount on Dawn vs Torrie. That match was easily the worst of all 16 imo. I'm ashamed for them.


  16. #16
    Lamb of LOP anonymous's Avatar
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    Dawn vs Torrie was phenomenal. A 5* classic which gained more ratings and YouTube hits than Rollins or Bryan could dream of.

  17. #17
    Maz: Haha I had a feeling you would swoon over this shit. Recruiting you would've been the ultimate coup but I'm still holding out hope for a cameo later on in the tournament.


    Oli: Sadly yes. I have come and gone more times than a pornstar (Steve was even kind enough to list all my Main Page stints in the Hall of Fame thread lol). It's one of those things where I'm not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed by the stat but it's almost become part of the gimmick at this point. So expect a fifth MP run to kick off before March.


    Dyno: Thanks for the love, homie. Skul's group of guys are almost clinical in the way that they break down matches so I wanted to take the exact opposite approach. That meant picking people who would ridicule and condemn stuff rather than dissect it.


    Mizfit: Happy to hear you enjoyed the Opening Round as I know hating on wrestling for sport isn't quite up your alley. I tried to attack this series with lightheartedness though as celebrating WrestleCrap has always been one of my favorite hobbies as a writer. The best/worst is yet to come I assure you!


    Plan: See what happens when you overanalyze shit? There's also an inappropriate joke screaming to come out in your comment but I'll pass. I do however expect feedback with more complexity from you as this thing rolls along!


    Imp: How dare you use the term 'best' when discussing this series. Do you not realize what we've set out of accomplish here!? Wait you do? Well great, you're hired then. Welcome to the voting panel! I'd been looking for a reason to replace Randall anyway.


    Nony: At least you get it. I simply couldn't resist the urge to tout myself as the greatest thing ever while simultaneously shitting on the rest of our group. It's one of the benefits of overseeing this project and I can't imagine many who would pass on such an opportunity!


    Randall: That's the spirit! I brought you into the fold purely to spite Plan. Nony's about to claim gimmick infringement however if you don't lay off the sauce.


    Skul: This series is now officially a success. I would have died a little on the inside if you didn't respond to or acknowledge this thread in some form. I would say you've met your match but this is nothing more than a pint-sized parody of the real thing so nevermind. Speaking of parodies, I still plan on completing 102 Matches one day but will probably give it a complete overhaul and start from scratch.


    Spin: Not only have you proven to be a worthy sidekick but you also provide clarity whenever I'm neglecting our precious feedback! God bless you, Spinster.


    Don: Yeah the fact that Steiner went from competing for the World Heavyweight Title at the start of 2003 to not even making the WMXIX card says a lot. And looking back now, I can't believe I missed the opportunity to make a testicles crack in this column! Eh that's the beauty of a series I suppose.


    Kleck: There's no way a bunch of horny wrestling nerds were gonna reject a heavenly slice of HLA (no matter how unsavory the aftertaste was). You're naÔve to expect any different, Kleck! I did love your adlibbing of Randall's phantom reply though. Congrats - you've been promoted to Chief Editor and he's being demoted to Janitor which means I expect a couple clean sweeps in the next round.


  18. #18
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    Is the Beverly Brothers theme used in one soft core porn film?

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