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  1. #1

    Troll-a-Mania 35

    On Sunday, the Immortals showcased themselves in my living room, and it started out with the Hulk! Have mercy! And when he joked about being in the Silverdome, I said aloud, “Hulk, you’re so bad!” “Real American” played. All the while, I smiled to myself thinking, “we get to experience in 2019 the same thing they did in 1985.” That’s the true evolution—the kind where you get to see the Hulk evolve to wearing jeans over his underwear.


    Then, that guy who they say use to be Paul E. Dangerously ruined it. I’m thinking, “oh geez, please don’t pull that giant cell phone out.” Then, I realized he was talking about Brock Lesnar. He said Brock was going to Las Vegas for the ultimate opportunity. I got it. That caused me to look at each person in my living room and say, “hold the phone.” I looked left at my brother, Greg, who was wearing his Roman Reigns bracelet, and I said, “hold the phone.” I tilted at the waste to see passed Greg, until I made eye contact with my Uncle Teeter, the biggest Batista fan on the planet, and I said, “hold the phone.” I looked at my aunt. She was sitting Indian style on the floor, shirtless, and pumping breast milk, while her baby napped, lying face first, beside her. I said to her, “nice tits.” Then, I walked in my dad’s bedroom where he was sleeping (that’s what we call his masturbation time). I said to him, “hold the phone!” I came back and told everyone that I don’t think that comment was planned! I just love them sincere moments in wrestling.


    Then, Brock Lesnar’s music played. I’m thinking, maybe we’ll get one of them altercations where he walks over to the Hulk and mouths something at him. But it didn’t happen. Ol’ string bean came out, next. We all laughed together saying no way this little fella will beat Brock! I enjoyed seeing Brock toss him around the outside, and when he started with the suplexes—oh, boy! I thought I could watch them suplexes for the next six hours!


    Out of us all, I was the one that came up with the best wrestling ideas, therefore, I looked at Teeter and said, “wouldn’t this be a good chance for the Hulk to come down and save Rollins?“ I heard Hulk always did come out and protect them little guys. Teeter cracked me up when he threw up them two fingers. He, of course, meant Brock-Hogan two!


    We all screamed at the TV when Rollins won. He doesn’t deserve to be champion! I fumed out my ears. If only there were some upstart promotion, but the WWE is the only wrestling, nowadays. I rated the match one and a half men.


    But we couldn’t stay mad long, because out came Randy Orton: a true superstar. But guess what? He, also, lost to a light weight! I rated the match, one cruiserweight.


    Then, Greg said something clever to loosen us up. He said, “’Wrestle-Mania?’ More like ‘205 Live-Mania.’” We all laughed and laughed at that. “205 Live-Mania…” Greg was the witty one out of our group, for he always came up with stuff like that.


    The Usos mean mugged their way down the ramp. Greg thought they were constipated. Neither I, nor my Aunt ever heard a joke like that. She about coughed all the milk out her nipples, laughing. Then, when Ricochet did that back flip, Greg said it again! 205 Live-Mania! We just died! In this match, only Sheamus emitted star-power. I came up with the idea that the Bar would be an interesting feud for Seth Rollins. But I felt Sheamus to be better in the singles. I’d only been watching wrestling for a few months and wondered if Sheamus and Reigns ever made magic, together. That’d be something to watch!


    In the end the Usos won. I gave the match one star, because Sheamus was the only real star in it.


    The Miz and Shane McMahon did a brawl. This caused us all to hate on the Miz, because of the way he talks. We like the stuff that sounds like they're reading straight from the script, because it seems more organized that way. Speaking of organization, this one turned out anything but that. We got a bit uppity, when they started falling off high platforms.


    “Quiet! Don’t you know I’m trying to sleep,” my dad yelled.


    “Still in there masturbating, I see,” Uncle Teeters yelled back. “Need any help?” My dad and Uncle are close like that. And they’re only twelve years older than me. Side note: my mom is in jail for being a bad nanny.


    Next thing I know Miz superplexed Shane McMahon, and I thought they both died. When Shane pinned the Miz, my Aunt said, “what a wimp; he can’t even beat Vince McMahon’s dad.”


    I gave the match two and half stars, because it would have been better with a more dominant loss for the Miz. But my Uncle made a good point. He said, “one thing about the Miz, you can always count on him to lose.” I thought about how the WWE really knows what they’re doing with him.


    The women’s match came up, and I hoped for one of them wardrobe malfunctions—you know, clothes to rip causing a butt or boob to fall out. Seems like the only nudity I ever get to see is from my relatives. Baily and Sasha bored me. For, they seemed to have something credible going with the belts; credibility makes staleness. But I loved the name, "Boss and Hug connection"; I bet WWE put a lot of thought into it. Still, no tits came out, but just the short-shorts alone got me a half-chub. I wished that Vince Russo guy, who my Aunt told me about, was still around. See, my family don’t just like the hosses and veterans, we like Vince Russo’s booking, too. I thought Natalya and Beth Phoenix were too serious about winning. I’m like, it’s fake, guys! And the Samoan team could have a long, boring Title reign with Boss and Hug chasing them. That’d be something too sensible. But in the end, we felt rejoiced to see the two women nobody cared about win. I’d hate to think WWE were taking their new Titles, too seriously. Vince Russo wouldn’t like it.


    In the end, though, I didn’t see any sex. I just wished there was an industry that centered on people having sex with each other. Maybe, WWE will come out with it. But until then, I’ll ogle my aunt’s butt-crack when she fixes the toilet. After all, it flatters her. As for the match, I gave it one half-chub.


    Kofi took the WWE belt from Daniel Bryan. There’s not much to say for this one. I was expecting Greg to do that ol’ 205 Live-Mania, joke. But we were all a bit impressed with the close finishes. Still, it’s like Greg said, this would’ve been a real good NXT match. Uncle Teeters said they just weren’t ready for the big stage. Personally, I didn't get the whole, "people like us" and twelve year journey thing. What does that mean? The WWE that I know doesn't do things like this.


    Aunt said Roman Reigns was supposed to be in the important Title matches, every year. Now, that made sense. Maybe, WWE had to throw this together since he got sick. Aunt’s baby slept calm on her face amidst the excitement, though. I gave the match 5 stars, because God knows it needed stars.


    We got excited to see Samoa Joe! We all relate to him since we have his body type. We felt outraged, though, with the short match. We didn’t pay 9.99 this month to see anything less than twenty full-long matches!


    I gave this match a buck back on my money, because I’m a person who will complain.


    I couldn’t stay mad long, because HHH rode out with that mask on! My dad came running in the room with a towel over his crotch to complete his business. It takes him a long time to masturbate, but if anything will hasten it, it’s HHH! Uncle Teeters said to dad, “no, no, no! My fifty-year-old muscle-man is better than yours!” But when HHH took that toolbox out, my dad let the towel fly! We all just let it hang out on this one: Uncle Teeters throwing his fist up for Batista; dad throbbing up and down for HHH. Aunt squealed at the excitement, when HHH plied out Batista’s nose-ring. “Better cover that prince Albert up, dad.” Greg said, holding his own pliers. HHH won, though. Uncle Teeters tried to give dad his wife for payment, but dad said he was going back to sleep. “Oh, dad, I thought you were going to blow your load in here!” Greg cried.


    “I was only edging," said dad.


    I gave this match six stars. Mainly, because Ric Flair came out, too, and WWE doesn’t make enough use out of fresh faces like that. It seems like the veterans are always being held back to promote the people who wrestle throughout the year…Poignant thought, I know!


    Finally, Roman Reigns came back. I clutched Greg’s wristband. We thought for sure Drew would steal the win. In unpredictable fashion, however, Roman got the duke. He really won! Glad the building didn’t have a roof on it, or I’m sure it would have blown off. And I’m, especially, positive that we’d of heard a pen drop.


    “That’s the thing that sucks about a roofless building,” Greg said, “the sound just goes up to the stars.”


    And I’m sure the stars couldn’t sleep with all the racket, therefore, for this rating, I’m going to put the stars to bed and give it just one big, surreal howl for the Big Dog. My family all howled at the screen. Except the baby, she just lay on her face.


    We all rejoiced to see Angle give the rub to Baron Corbin. What more exciting young talent could he have put over? We hoped this to lead to a Corbin-Roman blow out. I gave the match the rating of one twenty-year career but forgot about it, shortly after.


    The night took another wicked turn with the Balor- Lashley match. For one, I hoped it to be much longer, because it seemed like the night flew passed us. Also, I didn’t get to see enough of either of these superstars, who the WWE has booked in such a way that I love their characters to pieces. It goes without saying Finn has a muscle mass deficit, though. I hate seeing big men lose! No stars!


    I must mention before I get to the main event that Elias showed his face. Man, my family hates that guy! I just thought I’d throw that one in.


    The main event came, but after the exciting HHH match and the emotional Reigns match it seemed the energy had turned stored. Also, there’s women in the match. Greg said, “time to take a piss break!” Slayed me again with his wit! I don’t know where he comes up with these! Uncle Teeters said, “women can’t wrestle, but if I have to pick one of them it’s going to be Rhonda." The three of us argued between Charlotte and Rhonda. My Aunt said Charlotte was underutilized.


    I need to take a step back here to say, while I don't condone women wrestling, I love the way WWE booked this. First, they made Becky out to be this badass, then when everyone thought she had momentum, they squashed it. It's like when they had the fans going left, they went right! The epidemy of the great booking came with the three count. It looked like Rhonda’s shoulder slid up! As the show went off, we were all like, “well did Becky win or didn’t she?” There’s nothing like confusion to cap off an eight-hour show!


    I gave the match one question mark but with an exclamation point behind it.


    As the show went off, though, I couldn’t help but feel disappointment. Brock lost, Roman wasn’t in the main event, Batista was leaving, Kofi and Becky won major Titles. However, the emotion fled when I looked around and felt ashamed. As I saw Greg hold up his Roman Reigns wristband, listened to my Uncle Teeters go on about Batista’s body, watched my Aunt lift her baby’s corpse up, and heard my dad finally reach his own climax, I realized it’s not the quality of the show that matters but the quality of the people you watch it with…
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 1 Week Ago at 05:45 AM.

  2. #2
    HUGE Member TheLAW's Avatar
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    Column of the motherfucking month! Contest over! This is the funniest shit I've read in months!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Freaking brilliant

  4. #4
    Cero Miedo Mystic's Avatar
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    Oh god. Got people looking at me in the Library. I give it at least 4 laugh out loud moments and 1 I really hope people get the uptake.

    Great exercise in voice.

  5. #5
    LOP's part time glass ceiling DynamiteBillington's Avatar
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    I'm about to start work on my post-mania column. No chance it's going to be anywhere near as entertaining as this...

  6. #6
    The Brain
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    This was very funny, a little sad, and uncomfortably real. I give it one dead baby.

  7. #7
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    This was weird as fuck in the best possible way ever! This was brilliant and I agree with LAW that this could very well be COTM thus far. Fantastic column!

  8. #8
    Cero Miedo Mystic's Avatar
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    I think one of the family members of the narrator of this piece just got in trouble for trying to RKO their principal. Maybe unrelated but I'm really thinking no.

  9. #9
    Back with you here. The real @Nightmare Family has a contract with Button Up that we can write anytime we want, therefore, I’ll be giving my family’s reactions when I feel like it. People always called us the Nightmare family, but I just threw the @ in there because I think it’s funny when people do that.


    If you thought we had fun here, you should have seen us hooping and hollering when the Bar fought in the main event at the Troll after Mania.


    I’m going to go backwards in the feedback, just to make it more exciting.


    I think one of the family members of the narrator of this piece just got in trouble for trying to RKO their principal. Maybe unrelated but I'm really thinking no.


    I’d like to say yes, but my family’s all Caucasian with larger heads, and the person that did this isn’t and didn’t have one. And we would have whipped him with a chain and wrenched at his nose ring, instead.


    This was weird as fuck in the best possible way ever! This was brilliant and I agree with LAW that this could very well be COTM thus far. Fantastic column!


    I thought it was average, but with Kofi Kingston winning, we didn’t have a lot of material. Uncle Teeters and Dad said an old wrestler came up with a good idea to make Kofi, bigger--Steroids--We all thought that was brilliant and wondered why no other wrestlers ever thought about doing that before.


    This was very funny, a little sad, and uncomfortably real. I give it one dead baby.


    We were really comfortable, actually, except, your right, the baby must not have been. The accident was on us, because we didn’t know babies weren’t supposed to lay on their faces for 8 hours while we watched TV. But, kinda, on the baby, too, because he didn’t say much. But don’t worry about Aunt. She was a little sore at first, but we bought her a kitten and she feels better, now. Also, there’s more where that baby came from. Twins run in the family. Dad and Uncle Teeters are twins, me and Greg are twins, and I guess Aunt’s other baby and the kitten are, now, twins!


    I'm about to start work on my post-mania column. No chance it's going to be anywhere near as entertaining as this...


    I think if you go in depth on that Roman vs. Drew match, you might surprise yourself. That one was good.


    Oh god. Got people looking at me in the Library. I give it at least 4 laugh out loud moments and 1 I really hope people get the uptake.
    Great exercise in voice.


    Thanks, Greg did crack some jokes about 205 Live in there, if I recall. He’s the funny one in the family. I don’t know how to exercise my voice, though. I wonder if I can give it steroids like that old wrestler was talking about.


    Freaking brilliant


    Thanks. Mr. Button says you should try your hand at column writing. But my family only read the ones on WWE's official website.


    Column of the motherfucking month! Contest over! This is the funniest shit I've read in months!


    I think they should have more than one column in a month, since there’s a lot of writers around. They should have, maybe, two.



    I don’t know if we’ll be back or not. It’s solely depending on if Greg’s telling the truth. He told me there’s wrestling outside the WWE, called the indies. I don’t much like the sound of it, because it sounds like undies, and I’ve got enough skid marks to deal with.


    Still, we think he might be making it up, because he said he met a girl named Nila Rose at the shows. Says she’s his new girlfriend. See, me or Greg are virgins and never been on dates before. That's why nobody thinks he has a girlfriend now, or that there’s other wrestling shows than WWE. Uncle Teeters is a little scared it’s true, because he says girls named Nila are full of surprises, and he doesn’t want Greg to get butt-hurt.


    But Greg keeps saying there's a show he wants us to see on May 25th that has his girlfriend on it. If there’s really other wrestling out there, we’ll find out, and I’ll tell you our opinions. My dad did say there was wrestling back in the day that wasn't WWE where Kevin Nash and Big Show use to fight each other. We're hoping it's like that.
    Last edited by Benjamin Button; 1 Week Ago at 03:32 AM.

  10. #10
    Junior Member Zombieguy's Avatar
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    Yikes. I usually roll my eyes at reading yet another WrestleMania 35 review. But this was a confusing, misdirecting, ridiculous, and off-putting mess. And I really loved it for that. Hilariously original. Great perspective, storytelling, and a heck of a funny concept. Maybe tighten up on the formatting and grammar. Making it easier to read would make it more impactful. Good stuff.
    Last edited by Zombieguy; 6 Days Ago at 01:04 AM.

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